Excerpt:

Jaejoong shot Yoochun a scowl. “I’m not going to marry Lee Soo Man!” he snapped. “I ended one soul- contract, I’m not about to agree to another. No - this plan is so much better!”

...

Changmin was a sensible man (or “baby” as Jaejoong would call him), and therefore he knew that a prank that he had orchestrated and pulled should have given him immense pleasure.

Instead he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole. That was enough to tell him that perhaps - just perhaps - he was completely and utterly ed in the head for agreeing to this.

Surrounding him from all sides, the members of Super Junior stared at the television screen in disbelief.

“…Mother of God,” Kangin murmured, “everyone here is literally insane.”

He cringed as the stuffed bunny’s head fell off and rolled to the floor.

“Oh lord!” came Kyuhyun’s voice from the television (Changmin had tried to stop him from voicing the bunnies but…well, when did Kyuhyun ever listen?). “My little bunny just got chopped off - oh, what will I do now? Oh, there goes my head!”

Ryeowook glanced away, his mouth hanging open.

“I thought we were watching the Titanic?” Donghae whispered to Eunhyuk.

“Quiet hyung,” Kyuhyun ordered. “You’re watching ‘The Bunny 2’ right now.”

“The Bunny 2?” Eunhyuk stared at him in disbelief. “There’s a first part?”

“Yes.” Kyuhyun nodded. “The first one is the one we had to trash - Changmin kept groaning throughout the same thing.” He shot his best friend a brief, accusing glare, to which Changmin silently decided that, next time, he would be planning the finer details.

“I’m flying! I’m fly - oh no, I face planted and now I’m dead! HAHA!”

Leeteuk swallowed. “Uh - is it almost over?” His voice was almost pleading.

“Nope - still about an hour to go.” Kyuhyun smirked, clearly enjoying the discomfort surrounding him. Changmin wouldn’t be surprised if he was feeding off it - all that evil had to be fuelled somehow, right?

“And then we have bloopers.”

Yes…yes, Kyuhyun definitely had to be -

“And then I thought that maybe I could show you the mangled, cotton-strewn bodies of the stuffed toys - Sungmin, what do you think about that?”

…Or maybe he was just screwed in the head, and Changmin was just as screwed for going along with this. After all, being complicit was just as bad, right?

Sungmin cringed, but he didn’t seem particularly angry at the moment - just disturbed. “Kyuhyun,” he said slowly, “I was going to get rid of those things anyway.”

Kyuhyun snorted. “Sure you were.”

“No, really,” Sungmin insisted. “I was going to give them to charity - but that’s not the point.” He shook his head, his eyes growing wide. “Are you crazy or something?”

Again - no anger. Changmin frowned.

“You don’t seem mad,” he observed. After everything they’d done, shouldn’t they at least get some anger?

“I’m not!” Sungmin replied, and then Changmin realised he could identify the emotion in the elder’s eyes - ing concern. “I’m worried about you guys! I mean, this isn’t normal!”

Leeteuk nodded his head in agreement. “Maybe that game had some bad effects on you,” he said, sympathetically. “I think maybe you should go to therapy - ”

“We don’t need goddamn therapy!” Kyuhyun spluttered; his previous good mood seemed to have dissipated.

Kangin snorted.

“Look,” Kyuhyun growled, “are any of you the slightest bit angry about this? We destroyed Sungmin’s stuff - give me a reaction other than concern!”

Everyone stared at him with the same look of sympathy in their eyes (well, everyone except Kangin, who glared at him, and Heechul, who smirked, knowing exactly what was going on).

“What the guys?!” Kyuhyun snarled, leaping to his feet. “A normal person would be angry! Sungmin - ” He turned to said male, “ - I destroyed your stuffed animals. Punch me - do anything, just stop looking at me like that!”

Sungmin paled.

“…You’re asking me to hurt you?!”

There were a series of horrified cries that echoed throughout the room. Both Changmin and Kyuhyun swallowed heavily.

“Oh maknae!” Leeteuk leapt to his feet, and pulled Kyuhyun into a full-body hug.

“No!” Kyuhyun attempted to struggle out of his grip. “Leeteuk-hyung, let go of me! I’m a grown man!”

“Maknae, we love you so much,” Leeteuk cooed, ignoring Kyuhyun’s desperate pleas. “Don’t you know that? You don’t need to hurt yourself - ”

“I’m not!”

“ - your hyungs will make sure everything gets better!”

Donghae and Ryeowook leapt forward, joining in the hug. Siwon moved to do so, but the look on Kyuhyun’s face (a look that belonged solely in a horror movie) stopped him dead in his tracks.

“Changmin!” Kyuhyun hissed, “do something - please!”

Changmin opened his mouth to respond, but closed it as Ryeowook turned to him.

“Changmin, do you need a hug too?” he questioned, smiling innocently. Changmin’s eyes widened in horror, and he rapidly shook his head.

…

Minho walked into the house, paused when he caught sight of Key, and then debated walking straight out.

“Um - Key?” he questioned, deciding against running away (after all, things were awkward enough between them at the moment). “Where is everyone?”

“Hmm?” Key glanced up from the television. “Oh - well, everyone’s gone out to see a movie.”

“Really? Which one? I’ll go and meet up with them!” Minho exclaimed, unable to hide his eagerness - anything that removed him from this situation was good in his books.

“No you won’t!” Key replied enthusiastically, shaking his head. “You’ll be spending some quality time with me!”

“…What?”

“Yes!” Key beamed and took a step forward. “I admit, I’ve been a bit of an lately, and that really doesn’t fit with my loving-umma-image at all!”

Minho stared at him. “…Loving Umma - ?”

“So I decided I’m going to make it up to you by giving you the night of your life!” Key smiled, seeming wholly pleased with himself. Minho silently pondered why he hadn’t escaped while he had the chance - and then he realised that he really didn’t have anywhere to go (after all, he’d been banned from practically every dorm but his own).

“Uh…Key…” Minho started, choosing his words carefully. “Let’s just…let’s go and meet up with the others. How does that sound?”

At those words, Key’s smile vanished, replaced by a look that shot shivers up Minho’s spine. “Look,” he growled, shoving his palm forward. “I didn’t write a speech this time! This is all from the heart!” He strode forward, and latched onto Minho’s arm. “Now come on, I made you a delicious dinner, and it’s getting cold.”

After seeing the deadly glint in Key’s eyes, Minho decided to simply go along with it, and pray for it to end soon.

…

“Hello - ?”

“Jaejoong, for the last time, get out!” Lee Soo Man bellowed from the other line; a second later a series of “beeps” met Jaejoong’s ears. Jaejoong signed and dropped the phone onto the table, a scowl on his face.

“Pain in the arse,” he grumbled.

“Who was it?” Yunho questioned.

“That Lee Soo Man!” Jaejoong spat, his eyes flashing. “What right does he have to evict us, huh?!”

Yunho coughed. “Well, he does kind of own this place…”

Jaejoong glared. “You’re taking his side.”

“…This sounds very familiar,” Yunho muttered, wincing slightly.

Jaejoong rolled his eyes, and threw himself onto the couch. “I need a plan. I can’t just let them send me away.” He sighed loudly. “Maybe if I negotiate with him using Yoochun and Junsu…”

“Hey!” Yoochun spluttered, shooting up. “What’s that supposed to mean?! You’re not allowed to play favourites!”

“…You’re right.” Jaejoong nodded his head after a brief moment of thought. “I can’t send Junsu out into the world by himself!” He shot Junsu an adoring smile, while Yoochun scowled in the background. “Yoochun, you don’t mind living alone, right?”

“Hyung!” Yoochun whirled to face Yunho. “He’s kidding, right?”

“Of course he is,” Yunho soothed. He turned to Jaejoong, who looked deep in thought - yeah, Jaejoong wasn’t kidding.

“Look,” Yoochun sighed, “why don’t we just…I know!” He sat up. “Why don’t we get him completely trashed? Then Jaejoong-hyung can climb into bed with him and take some pictures, and then the next morning we’ll use them to blackmail him - ”

Jaejoong cut him off. “Are you forgetting that I have a public image to maintain?! And also - just no!” He shook his head rapidly, trying to clear the images.

“Yeah, that’s just disturbing,” Yunho agreed.

Junsu frowned. “Why can’t we just stay here?” he questioned.

Yoochun raised one eyebrow. “Junsu, don’t you remember what Lee Soo Man was like?” he questioned.

“Yeah - horrible,” Junsu replied, nodding his head.

Yoochun’s brow raised higher. “You really want to go up again that without a lawyer standing between us?”

Junsu let out a nervous laugh and averted his gaze.

“I’ve got it!”

Everyone turned to stare at Jaejoong, who looked entirely pleased with himself.

“What?” Yunho asked, blinking in confusion.

“I know what will make him agree to letting us stay here!” Jaejoong replied, clapping his hands together in glee. “So, you know how Lee Soo Man is really old and boring, right? I doubt he has anyone to bring him nice, home-cooked meals.”

The other three stared, still confused as to what the oldest was trying to get across.

“Uh…your point?” Yoochun coughed.

Jaejoong beamed. “I’ll be that person!”

There was a brief pause.

“…I said pretend to sleep with him, not marry him!”

Jaejoong shot Yoochun a scowl. “I’m not going to marry Lee Soo Man!” he snapped. “I ended one soul- contract, I’m not about to agree to another. No - this plan is so much better!”

…

Minho forced himself to ignore the terrible taste of the food, and focus on guzzling it down as fast as possible.

“Do you like it?” Key questioned, watching him with an eager look in his eyes. “I cooked it myself!”

Minho decided not to comment on how, if Key really wanted to pass the food off as his own, he should've probably gotten rid of the take-out boxes. Instead, he simply smiled and nodded - anything to keep the psycho at bay.

“Really?” Key’s smile grew. “That’s great, have some more!”

He reached over to heap more food into Minho’s plate. The younger male yelped and shook his head.

“Uh - no! I’m actually really full so…” He pushed the plate away and stood up. “I’m really tired, so I think I’ll go to bed now - ”

“You can’t go to bed yet!” Key protested. “We’re going to have a movie night!” He leapt to his feet, and latched onto Minho’s arm. “I organised a bunch of really great ones - remember how you said you wanted to watch the Grudge?”

If Minho wasted being yanked forward by Key, he would have stopped dead in his tracks.

“Uh - no,” he spluttered.

“…Oh yeah, that was Jonghyun…” Key shook his head. “Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is - horror movie marathon!”

Minho shook his head rapidly. “No! Key, I am really not good with horror movies!”

Key glared at him; Minho was horrified to see that the strange, psychotic glint was back.

“Well, you should have told me that before I wasted my time and money!” Key snapped.

Minho swallowed and took a step back, trying to hide his apprehension. Jesus, who knew Key could be so goddamn intimidating? “Uh,” he coughed, “on the second thought, maybe The Grudge would be a good movie to end the night with.”

Key snorted, his expression relaxing. “We aren’t ending the night with it,” he retorted. “We have about seven others after that.”

Minho swallowed.

…

When Minho shot up in bed, covered in sweat, he cursed Kim Kibum (his bandmate to be more specific - he had no issue with the many other Kim Kibum’s on this earth) to the depths of hell.

The nightmare he’d just had stayed vivid in his mind. The girl from The Grudge, crawling forward, and then - Key’s ing face. Oh god, why had he decided to become an idol? Why?

Climbing out of bed, he forced the vision out of his head. He’d get a drink of water, and then watch some light, fluffy kid’s film. Surely Key couldn’t ruin his sweet, childhood memories, right? (Oh who was he kidding - it was Key, of course he could).

Minho paused moments away from the kitchen, Key’s voice meeting his ears. He would have continued on his way, but the words Key was saying chilled him to the bone.

“ - so yeah…there’ll be a scream probably, and he’ll drop to the ground dead - ”

Surely Key wasn’t - he couldn’t -

“ - and then he’ll get buried in the garden behind the rose bush - because that’s the best hiding spot for a body.”

Minho paled, taking a step backwards. “No,” he muttered, “Key is not…”

“When the police come,” Key continued, “they’ll get told that he left the country to become - wait, what?”

Maybe he should leave and go back to his room - or leave the house. Maybe that would be a good plan…

“Jonghyun!” Key yelled, making Minho jump in alarm. “What do you mean, the rose bush is too obvious?!”

“Jonghyun’s in on it too?” Minho whimpered. And then, he decided, he didn’t want to be here anymore. As he sprinted to the front door (silently praising his long legs), he pondered whether Changmin would mind him staying over for the night…or the rest of his idol career.

…

“ - and then no one will no that she was the one who killed him!” Key beamed. “Well, was that close to the actual plot?”

He heard Jonghyun sigh from the other line. “Key, as lovely as that was - ” His tone was sarcastic, “ - the movie had a G rating.”

Key scowled. “Don’t insult my movie-predicting-skills.”

Jonghyun snorted. “Whatever - it was an awful movie anyway. I only want because Taemin wanted to see it, and because you kicked us out of the house. By the way, can I come home now? This motel stinks.”

“No,” Key replied. “You told me to make it up to Minho, and I did - and it went great.”

“Really?” Jonghyun questioned sceptically.

“Yes,” Key announced, oblivious to the sound of the front door slamming. “Aren’t I just amazing?”

…

Note to self: if you wanted to enter a place that you were banished from, converse with your allies first for easier entry. Minho had forgotten his phone, and, thus, could not beg Changmin to allow him entry. Instead he stared at the building in front of him, trying to remember where Changmin’s room was.

Sure, he could knock on the door - but would anyone actually let him in? He’d have better luck sneaking into his best friend’s room. Minho’s eyes landed on the first window, and he decided that that was probably the right one (in his desperate mind, it was worth the risk. After all, he’d just been faced with death).

At least this window wasn’t two-goddamn-stories like the SNSD dorm, Minho thought, as he clambered for the window latch, and yanked it up. Minho paused before throwing his leg over the window sill, and lowering himself into the room.

When he was met with a piercing shriek (and the feeling of a body underneath him), Minho realised that he might have entered the wrong room.

He didn’t have long to ponder this though, before he had been pushed out the window, his private regions on fire. He had a brief sense of deja vu, mingled with a scream - one that sounded suspiciously like Jaejoong - of, “ERT!”, before he landed on the ground…on his newly-healed shoulder.

“Why?” he muttered. “Just…why?”

…

“Um…Kyu?” Changmin said, glancing at his best friend. The two were sprawled in Kyuhyun’s room, disheartened after their failed prank. “Why did I just get a really bad feeling?”

Kyuhyun glared at him. “Hug me and I’ll kill you.”

Changmin blinked, shrugged, and went back to staring at the wall.

…

Yunho and Jaejoong stood still, staring at the whimpering Minho.

“Mother of God Jaejoong,” Yunho uttered. “What did you do?”

Jaejoong flushed. “He climbed into my room!” he snapped. “What was I supposed to do?!”

“My shoulder!” Minho moaned, his eyes screwed shut. “Not again, dammit!”

Yunho frowned at Minho. “What were you trying to do?” he demanded, a dangerous sound in his voice.

“Nothing!” Minho snapped. “I thought he was Changmin!”

When both males paled, Minho realised that that was probably the wrong thing to say. He quickly back-peddled.

“Not like that!” he said hurriedly. “Look, Key is psychotic and wants to kill me and I thought my best option would be coming here - but since you guys don’t want me around, I tried to sneak into Changmin’s room instead, but I got the wrong one, and - ow, dammit, MY ARM!”

“Uh - okay, you know what, Yunho, get the car,” Jaejoong said, nodding to his former bandmate. “And Minho, don’t move too much, okay? Even though you kind of deserve it - ”

Minho glared at him, and Jaejoong quietened.

“I’ll go start the car,” Yunho sighed, looking exhausted. “Jaejoong - you bring him, alright?”

Jaejoong nodded. He paused briefly, and turned to Minho. “Uh,” he said, “don’t tell Lee Soo Man about this, alright?”

Minho blinked.

“Jaejoong!” Yunho snapped.

“Sorry,” Jaejoong grumbled, although his expression said otherwise.

…

“ - and then I hear Key talking about burying my body, and it’s on the same day that Yoona rejected me!”

Jaejoong stared at him, clearly immersed in the tale. Their was a look of deep sympathy in his eyes, and his fingernails were digging into Yunho’s arm, much to the leader’s discomfort.

“And Sooyoung too,” Minho added. “Sooyoung rejected me as well!”

“You, uh, asked both of them out on the same day?” Yunho raised one eyebrow. “Don’t you think that’s a bit - ”

“Shut up Yunho!” Jaejoong snapped.

Yunho clamped his mouth shut.

Jaejoong, a typical mother-bear, felt his heart swell at the tale of Minho’s plight (okay, a part of him still wanted to smash the younger in the balls, but that was beside the point).

“Don’t worry too much,” he told Minho comfortingly. “You don’t know how hard it was for me to get a date when I was younger. I mean, there was this one time I can remember when…I got rejected!” He paused, and awkwardly coughed. “I uh - well, a minute later it turned out that I’d actually misheard the response, but…hey, it was a moment of panic, right?”

Yunho groaned, rubbing his forehead, while Minho pondered why some people got all the luck.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Jaejoong moaned, unable to take Minho’s misery any longer (umma at heart; umma at heart). “Look…I’ll help you get a date! How does that sound?”

“…Wait what?” Yunho lowered his hands, and stared at Jaejoong in disbelief.

“What?” Minho echoed.

“I said, I’ll help you get a date!” Jaejoong responded, nodding his head.

“Jaejoong, you basically banished me from your dorm,” Minho said slowly.

“Yeah, well, that’s lifted,” Jaejoong told him, smiling. “It’s the least I can do after…well, you know.” He nodded towards Minho’s bruised shoulder. “As long as you don’t interact with, or look at Changmin, I think we can - ”

“He’s my best friend!” Minho snapped. “I’m going to have to look at him eventually! And hyung, seriously - let’s get this settled now. I am not interested in guys! I don’t know why you think I have feelings for Changmin, but let me tell you, it’s making you seem slightly psychotic - ”

His voice cut off as he caught sight of the dangerous glint in Jaejoong’s eyes. Jesus, what was with these self-proclaimed idol umma’s? Minho couldn’t be more relieved when the doctor came into sight. He stood up and sprinted over, ignoring Jaejoong’s calls.

“I’m Choi Minho,” he told her. “Let’s go!”

She stared. “Actually, I have to see - ”

“Too late,” he told her, walking into her office. “I’m not going back now.”

When he’d disappeared from sight, Yunho whirled around to face Jaejoong, a look of disbelief plastered onto his face. “What are you doing?!” he demanded.

Jaejoong shrugged. “I feel bad,” he replied. “I mean, I did kick him in the balls, and throw him out a window.”

“Because he was being a creep.” Yunho didn’t sound too guilty.

“Yeah but…” Jaejoong sighed. “Hearing the whole story…well, I genuinely felt bad for the guy.”

“Rumour is he broke Taemin’s heart,” Yunho told Jaejoong, his eyebrows raising, as if to say, ‘you’re really going to argue with that?’

“Yunho, I’m the loving team umma,” Jaejoong snapped. “I can’t go around throwing people out of windows! Let me redeem myself by doing this!” He paused, taking a deep breath. “Anyway,” he continued, calmer, “if we find Minho someone to date, it’ll destroy any chance of him tainting Changmin.”

“But Minho’s a ,” Yunho mumbled, his tone almost whiny.

Jaejoong glared at him. “Yunho!” he snapped. “Stop arguing, or you’ll be sleeping on the couch!”

“I am sleeping on the couch!” Yunho retorted heatedly. “In case you forgot, there are only two beds in the dorm, since the three of you technically aren’t in the band!”

Jaejoong shrugged, seemingly unbothered.

…

AN:

Okay, wow, this is longer than I thought it would be. Anyway, hope you enjoy it - and yes, Minho is being completely tortured…hopefully this story will end in his favour…

…Maybe…

…Probably not.

Anyway, tell me what you think! :)