" Make yourself at home " Chansung hugs him after letting him in to make sure Nichkhun knows he’s welcomed.

Chansung lives in a two storey building, the lower floor is used for this coffee shop that he owned since college. It’s a small business but it’s running. The coffee shop has teak flooring, warm atmosphere and racks and racks of books to kill time for those who want to get away from the world for a while; simple wooden chairs and tables for the ones who just want to grab a quick breakfast with their morning coffee. Its windows opens up to the street, mossy green curtains that works perfectly to filter the lights without making everyone feels crammed in. It’s small and it’s cozy and it amuses Nichkhun because everything is just so so Chansung here.

“ That’s Jinyoungie and Jaebeomie, they work the afternoon shift. ” Chansung points at two grinning boys wearing long sleeved white shirts with black apron wrapped around their waists. Nichkhun smiles back with a nod.

“ Who cooks?” Nichkhun asks, walking through the small kitchen, tugging his backpack up, his nose catching the smell of cinnamon and toasted bread.

“Me.” Chansung answer and laughs, cracking up at his own words.“ Nah, I just helped on busy hours. We do have a cook. I however, have a killer recipe for scrambled eggs and customers love it. We open from 7 am to 7 pm on weekdays. Not many customers sitting in in the morning, mostly just take their coffee to run back to their schedules. I get everything prepared an hour early or so, it might get a little noisy at those hours I hope it’s okay with you.” Chansung explains as Nichkhun follows him all the way to the back, then up the stairs, the wood creaks under his weight and it gives a lived-in feel that Nichkhun grows fond of in a heartbeat.

“ It’s fine. You sure it isn’t too much trouble though, for me to stay here?” Nichkhun asks, catching a large black and white printed photo on the wall, it’s of chansung and junho, doing a series of silly faces.

“ Trouble? What trouble? I refuse to have you staying in some random hotel when I have a vacant room you can use here. Oh. “Chansung turns and sees nichkhun looking at the picture. “ Junho comes and visits sometimes, we’re kinda--, like--, together, I mean, yeah. that happens , while you’re away. But he’s not gonna, I promise you he’ll behave when he’s here. “ Chansung chuckles, nichkhun smiles back. “ Come on, I’ll show you to your room. “ he grins, unlocking and opening the door for him. “It’s not much but it’s home. “

Chansung leads him to the guest room, passing a small living room with large flat screen tv with gaming consoles on the side. It’s messy, in a way a lived in place should be, magazines scattering on the carpet, cushions jumbled up on the couch and there are two opened cans of beer on the coffee table.

“ Blankets are in the shelves if you need them. Are you sure you don’t want something to eat? I can cook you something quick, or order in if you want?” Chansung looks at him thoughtfully and it’s a punch to the gut for Nichkhun really, that he had—, has friends that cared about him so much but he can’t even remember any of them before.

“ Im not hungry. I’m going to tuck in early if that’s okay. I’ve had a long day.” Nichkhun half smiles,  placing his backpack on the bed and turns around to face Chansung. “ Thank you, for everything.” He says honestly, feeling a lump growing on the back of his throat because he doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve to be treated so kindly.

“Hyung,  it may not look like it now but it’s going to be okay, you’ll see.” Chansung looks back at him. He doesn’t elaborates, only gathers Nichkhun into a hug and Nichkhun lets himself  be comforted because he’s so tired of feeling alone. Chansung’s shoulder is as sturdy and warm as he wants to remember.

Nichkhun strips down to his boxers after Chansung left and lie on his back, watching the ceiling and listening to random noises that sneaks in from outside while his head is swimming with thoughts. Nichkhun wished it could be easier like what he saw in movies all the time. A person with amnesia would get these dramatic flashes of memories that in turn will recover his memory completely.  But there were no memory flashing before his eyes, there weren’t any hints, just a few old pictures, and a ring. Nichkhun takes the ring from where he keeps it in his backpack and twirls it with his fingers. His eyes tracing the engraved initials once again. "KY". What does it stands for? It’s clearly an initial. Did he have a girlfriend back in highschool? It does looks like a couple's ring.

 Then K is Khun?

..and Y is?

Nichkhun wonders if Chansung might know something about this. He’ll ask him in the morning, Nichkhun thinks as he lets his eyelids drop and hope that his nightmares wont visit him tonight, pressing his cheek deeper into the pillow and wishes for that special dream, that warm warm summer sun and gentle smile that made his insides twirls funny to come instead.

~

Nichkhun wakes up to the smell of coffee, toast and something sweet and wonders if he died and went to heaven.

The crick in his neck tells him he’s not, that he’s very much alive and the grumbling of his stomach is all the confirmation he needs. He’s tempted to go back to sleep, to pull the blanket over his shoulder and just sleep when he sees his all too familiar canister uncapped, a few white pill scattering on top of the nightstand from where he frantically takes them last night when the nightmare wakes him up.

“ Ufff.” Nichkhun grunts, pushing himself to sit up and welcomes the headache that pounds his skull. Headaches are good. Anything is good as long as it keeps his nightmares at bay. He checks his watch and his eyes went saucer wide at the sight. 6.30 pm, , how long has he been sleeping again?

A little disoriented, Nichkhun staggers to the bathroom and lets the cold shower wakes him up. He got dressed and went downstairs because he can’t find Chansung anywhere.

“…you have to give him credit because he is trying.” Nichkhun hears Chansung speaks as he pads slowly down the stairs. “…being sixteen is already difficult even without being head over heels over a crush.”

“ I’m not saying he can’t have crushes, I’m saying that if he give just a third of the effort he’s putting on his relationship to his study, he will have better grades. And I know him, he can do better, he just have to want it.”

Nichkhun stops mid-way through the kitchen when he overheard that. He can’t see who Chansung is talking to, but the thing is, he doesn’t have to.

“ and jinyoungie will. He listens to you, he really does. He’s just in love, Wooyoung. And that’s huge when you’re sixteen. ” Nichkhun hears Chansung again.

“why would he even need a girlfriend in his age. What are they gonna do? They’ll end up breaking up anyways.”

“aungh..wooyoung, don’t be like that.”

“ well it’s not like they’re set to get married?  First loves don’t last. That’s what made it so memorable. All the what ifs. He’s better of focusing on his study. He has to know that sooner or later, sooner would be best. Sooner like before his finals.”

It’s him. It’s that husk and low timbre of voice that sends Nichkhun’s lungs to a paralyzing stop and his heart into a chaotic frenzy. He swallows thickly before forcing himself to move, counting his steps as he takes them.

When he makes it to the back of the pastry display cabinet, Nichkhun can see Chansung standing by one off the racks , cradling a few books in his arms as he arranges them back to order from where the customers jumbles them.  The other person is sitting not so far from him, talking and flinging his fork around as they chatter and chuckles, the conversation taking a turn to something light and amusing.

Nichkhun feels like throwing up.

Maybe he needs more time, maybe he’s not ready. Who is he kidding; he knows he’s not ready.

Maybe he can turn back; none of them have seen him yet. Turn back and plan a meeting again on a time and place of his choosing.  It’s weak he knows, but at least he will be the one calling the shots and won’t feel as helpless as he is now. It’s a fake sense of security, but maybe he’ll be spared from feeling like he’s drowning in whirling water like this, spinning hopelessly without anything to hold on to.

He’s thinking about it, watching intently towards the other man, the shake of his shoulder as he chuckles from something Chansung says but Nichkhun’s ears fails to process. His jaw got more defined and a pair of thick framed glasses makes a point that he matured despite still looking too young for his age.

The pictures done him no justice though, because there’s something captivating about this man that the cameras failed to capture. Something that seems so familiar, so close, but Nichkhun couldn’t tell what. It’s like that word that’s teetering at the tip of his tongue but failed to be pronounced out.  Thinking it over, that’s what he is to nichkhun. He’s another piece of the missing puzzle, nichkhun gets that.  He just hasn’t figured out where to place him.

Just as Nichkhun finishes that thought, Wooyoung lifts his face and meets his gaze, and it knocks whatever air that’s left in Nichkhun’s lung.

Wooyoung is staring straight back at him. Staring, and Nichkhun couldn’t move. His heart’s on his throat and he couldn’t say a word. Nichkhun wants to laugh on how ridiculous he must’ve look, on how he’s feeling, on the cold sweat covering his palms.

Wooyoung is the first to turn away.

“ Your guest is awake.” He says to Chansung. Flat. Emotionless, and somehow it feels wrong.

“ Oh. Hyung youre up! Oh .” The sound of Chansung’s books falling off his arms draws Nichkhun’s eyes away from Wooyoung, “ I was--, I was planning to wake you ..but not sure if.. I mean, thought you’d still need rest and--, ..did we wake you?”  Chansung is down on his knees, gathering the books on the floor, Nichkhun can’t see his face from where he’s standing.

“ it’s fine.. “ is the only thing Nichkhun  manages to speak out , his eyes drifting back to Wooyoung. He’s wearing a white shirt with two of the first buttons undone, the sleeves rolled up to his elbow,  a brown cotton blazer rests on the seat next to him. He’s playing with his food for a while, shoving what seem to be scrambled eggs without much interest when it dawns Nichkhun.

This is Jang Wooyoung.

This is his friend.

Bestfriends  as a matter of fact, but he carefully keeps that fact to himself.

Nothing in the pictures he found can deny any less of the friendship they’ve shared. He can hear it in Taecyeon's tone of voice, in Jay’s dodgy stories. He can see it in Chansung's rueful gazes, felt it in Junho's fist, a throbbing reminder of how his friendship with Wooyoung turns awfully wrong and he just wants to--, god, he just want to wrap his arm around his bestfriend’s shoulder and hold him and say im sorry im sorry im sorry, but even that, Nichkhun knows is not enough to make up for the lost years between them.

“ Well it’s  been fun boys, but I have t’go. Got loads of homeworks to correct at home.”  Wooyoung declares suddenly, pushing his chair back and slipping into his blazer as he stands up.

Nichkhun swallows, hesitating but stumbling forward anyway, away from the cabinet. “ Wooyoung wait..”

Wooyoung does, pausing for a while before lifting his face up to meet Nichkhun’s gaze.  “Yes?” He has an eyebrow up, but there’s no curiosity in his eyes.

“ Wait..” Nichkhun heaves, feeling awkward and clueless now that Wooyoung is staring at him again. He doesn’t know why but he’s panting, and his palms are sweating so he wipes them on the back of his jeans. He’s walking forward though, closer, like he’s being towed by something he has no control on.

Wooyoung’s hair, you see, is this sophisticated side swept golden brown with a few darker shades and the color shouldn’t work for him but somehow it does. The half-dimmed light of the coffee shop, the way it falls on his face are making the edges looks softer. There’s something fragile there, something beautiful about Jang Wooyoung, and Nichkhun thinks of crystals and tears and snowflakes. He’s tempted to lift an arm and reach over, to touch, but then remembers he’s the one who smashes it to pieces. Wooyoung’s dream, Wooyoung’s life. The captivating crystal shattered to pieces of gleaming shards, sharp enough to cut anyone near. Nichkhun feels heat rises to his cheeks again, his heartbeats starting to pace and that knot around in his chest tightens, although he couldn't understand why.

Perhaps it’s guilt.

“ Riiiiight.” Wooyoung says slowly, staring at him. “ okay. I think I’m going home now.” He lift  his bag strap to his shoulder.

 “ No, wait! “ Nichkhun holds his hands up and then quickly shoves them deep into his jeans’ front pocket, hoping Wooyoung doesn’t notice the way they’re shaking right now. I mean, hai.., d-do you remember me?”

Wooyoung blinks, but that’s it. There is no apparent emotion, no flickers of anger, no joyous smile. “ Do i remember you?  Yes, i remember you.” He answers, scratching the back of his neck and sorting the books on his table with his free hand, the motion casual and easy, like he’s done this a thousand times. “ I think i am not the one with the memory issue here?”

“ Ah.” Nichkhun takes another step forward,“  so you’ve known about--,”

“ Chan told me, yes. he’s been quite informative, ” wooyoung nods, gathering the books into one single stack “, although he fails to tell me that you’re staying here, but hey, enjoy your stay.” He adds dismissively, and Nichkhun glances briefly towards Chansung who quickly disappears behind one of the book shelves.

“yeah about that, I just--, I just got here yesterday from the hotel,“ Nichkhun explains.” Chansung offers me to stay here and help me to try remembering stuff.”

“ Well, good for you then. Always nice to have old friends covering your back, isn’t it? “Wooyoung gives a polite smile..  “That being said, I really need to be going now, thank you Chan for the invitation although I don’t have a clue what you add in that scrambled egg that you wanted me to try--.”

“ umm, I added cardamom? ” Chansung replies from afar, his head peeking slightly from the rack before quickly disappearing again.

 Wooyoung frowns.” –it tastes strange, “ He turns to where Chansung is supposed to be to shout back, “ it was fine the way it is , why would you want to add something and ruin the whole balance of it? “ Wooyoung takes the pile of books from the table.  “ That guy, I swear, always experimenting with different spices and testing it on me out of all people, now if you excuse me..” Wooyoung moves to go.

"Can i see you again?"  Nichkhun asks abruptly, purposely stalling. Because Wooyoung is here and Nichkhun refused to be brushed off. Not when he’s this close.

“Oh i think Chansung can help you with whatever it is you need, I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to take you around, or something, i however still have exams to make, homework to correct and just--, i’m sorry, I don’t think I can help even if I want to.” Wooyoung replies firmly; and for the first time Nichkhun sees the slightly rumpled shirt, the rebellious strands of hair falling from his day old coif, the books in his arms that are actually students workbooks. Nichkhun imagines it has been quite a day teaching highschoolers. He can see that Wooyoung is tired.

Truthfully, Nichkhun doesn’t know what kind of reaction to expect from Wooyoung. He did dare to imagine a smile, genuine, maybe even a hug like what Chansung gave him. Or maybe an angry punch straight to his face, the way Junho greeted him. He prepared himself for the alternatives from both, but he didn’t expect this, this layer of appropriate politeness, like Wooyoung is trying to be civil with him, like he’s just another inconvenience Wooyoung has to put up with before finishing his day and rest. 

And somehow it hurts more.

Nichkhun rather get another fist landing on his jaw, because it means he was close enough to cause the pain. That he was once somebody in their life.

"...maybe we can meet after you’re done with exams and homework?" Nichkhun tries again.

But who is he to say really. It’s been seven years and if Wooyoung wants to treat him like a stranger, the man has all the rights in the world, because life goes on, right?

It’s not going to stop for everyone else just because it has stopped for him.

And even if they were best friends seven years ago, he did got Wooyoung into an accident, he did left Wooyoung to cope alone, he did rejected the phone calls, the emails, he did forgot about Wooyoung, completely.

“aren’t the exams be over next week? you told me so yourself , Wooyoung.”  “ Chansung appears out of nowhere to take Wooyoung’s empty plate and glass.

“ I have tutoring after that, chan.”

“ only till six? isn’t it? “ chansung says fleetingly, “ khun hyung can hang around the shop and picks you up after seven, get you time to refreshed and  you two can talk, or eat, or whatever, do some catching up?” “

“ what are you, my new social secretary?” wooyoung clips.

Chansung lets out a laugh at that before disappearing to the kitchen again.  Wooyoung narrows his eyes to the general direction where chansung went and Nichkhun couldn’t help but smile.

“Well?” he turns to Wooyoung, and is surprised to see the first sign of a real emotion.

“ i…, “ wooyoung drags out, like whatever he’s trying to say weighs a ton.“ I’m sorry, i can’t do this right now, “ he says quickly,  eyes flickering with something deep before he turns to leave.

If Nichkhun hadn’t noticed it before he’s noticing it now.  It’s not clearly visible at first but after a while he sees that Wooyoung is slightly limping. There's a gait in the way he walks, though subtle. His left foot seems weaker than the other that he needs to shift his weight to his right with each step he takes.

Then the realization hits him like a freight train, that wooyoung couldn’t walk normally, let alone dance. Nichkhun can’t imagine how it feels like, to be reminded on how his dream died with every step he take for the rest of his life. And that it’s on him. Nichkhun knows he was the one driving; he was the one behind the steering wheel, whatever happened was his responsibility.

“ Wooyoung, wait!” Nichkhun calls because Wooyoung is one foot out the door, and this time he’s not stopping.

“ What are you doing in Seoul, khun. There’s nothing for you here. “ Nichkhun can see the condensed air puffing out from Wooyoung’s mouth as he follows wooyoung into the sidewalk.

“ There’s my memories here.” Nichkhun paces up, feeling a strange panic from seeing Wooyoung’s back getting further and further away.

“ Some things are better left forgotten. “ Wooyoung waves his hand off.

“ There’re my friends. “ says Nichkhun.

“ Which friends? The ones you tossed away seven years ago? Well guess what, we learned to live without you.“ Wooyoung answers curtly and it’s hurtful, Nichkhun’s not going to lie, but he fists his palms on his side and pushes on.

“ There’s the life I’ve had here.”  Nichkhun answers instead. “ There’s you.”

Wooyoung slows down to a stop at that. Turning on his heels after a moment of silence.

“ What do you remember?” wooyoung looks him straight in the eye, and it feels more like a dare than a question. Wooyoung is testing him and Nichkhun knows he’s about to fail.

“ Nothing. I don’t remember anything.”  He wishes he does, but really, there’s nothing.

There’s a sad smile forming on wooyoung’s face, and nichkhun doesn’t like it. doesn’t like the way it shadows wooyoung’s bright face , doesn’t like the way it pinged something in him, something he knew he was supposed to remember. But he doesn’t.  Wooyoung shakes his head and lifts his shoulders, chuckling to the cold air as the bus comes and stop by their side. His words drowns a little under the rumbling engine of the bus, and then he’s off, the bus’s door closing behind him and he doesn’t even give Nichkhun a passing glance when the bus drives away. His words though, was as clear as day for Nichkhun.

“I’m not your friend. We were not friends.”

~

The crushing sadness engulfs him and Nichkhun is choking on his own tears when he wakes up from another nightmare. A heavy sob shakes his entire body as tears streams freely on his face.

His hand moves by itself to find a familiar canister of pills. Nichkhun grips it tight, his mind conflicted yet again. Finally, mustering all of his courage and determination, he goes to the bathroom, opens the canister, and flushes everything down the drain.

If he's going to find whatever pieces that were missing from his puzzle, if he's going to sort out everything once and for all, Nichkhun think he should start facing his nightmares.

Even if it scares the living hell out of him.

~

“ Did i have a girlfriend back in high school?” he asks Chansung after dinner when they are doing the dishes,  passing a plate for Chansung to dry.

Nichkhun thinks his younger friend freezes a bit before answering. “ No. At least none that i knew of?” He said, placing the now dry plate into the cupboard.

“ Do we have high school friends whose name starts with a ‘Y’? I mean, the ones we used to hang with?”

Chansung shrugs, “ we have yugyeom, that junior. Umm, yoona? Pretty, bubbly social butterfly.  Yeeun noona? Very kind, used to tutor English?  Yuri? Ugh, I don’t know what Yuri does.” He shakes his head.”  But we hardly hang out with any of them.”

“ we don’t? I mean, not even on lunches?”

“ nope. why?”

“ Nothing.” He watches Chansung, a bit disappointed at his answers, but Chansung was always easy to read and the man doesn’t seem to know how to lie so it must be true. Which was perplexing, because if their friendship was so close-knitted then Chansung should’ve known whoever it was he was getting emotionally attached to at that time, even going as far as having a couple’s ring.

Maybe he wasn’t asking the right questions.

“Chansung, do you know what KY stands for? “ Nichkhun blurts his next question and the plate he had given Chansung to dry ended up on the floor.

" Oh, crap.." Chansung squats down immediately to clean the mess.

" Let me help-"

" No, hyung, it’s okay. Really. Ahh, I'm just so clumsy sometimes, it’s my fingers you see, they’re all fat and stubby," Chansung chuckles. 

" Okay " Nichkhun resigns, leaning back to the sink, drying his hand with a towel while watching Chansung cleans the shards. He smiles eventually, feeling really grateful for this friend he has. He would be lost in seoul if it wasn’t for chansung, and it’s not just physically speaking.  " Thanks for being such a good friend for me. I know I might not deserve to be treated so kindly. Was i a real back then?"

Chansung looks up, " Ah, hyung, what is that talk? You were a good friend for me. For all of us. “ He shakes his head, then continues. “Junho is--.. Well, he's really close with Wooyoung. He'll sober up, I mean even Wooyoung is okay with you, right?" He gets up, smiles and walk passes Nichkhun to reach the dust bin. 

Well , Okay is not really the word for it actually, Nichkhun thinks he hasn’t found the word to describe what happened between he and Wooyoung, but one thing at a time. “ So, you haven't really answered me.." His eyes follow Chansung. "Do you know what KY stands for?"

Chansung gives a rather timid smile, lifting his shoulder stiffly. " I’m sorry, hyung,  I don't think i know  what you're talking about." He washes his hand on the sink and continues to dry the plates like nothing had happened.

Nichkhun scowls, fingers gripping the cupboard surface behind him a little tighter while watching Chansung’s back.  He was right. Chansung doesn’t know how to lie, because Nichkhun can see the younger man lying through his teeth just now.