losing through you what seemed myself;i find

selves unimaginably mine;beyond

sorrow’s own joys and hoping’s very fears

Nichkhun pulls the hood of his sweatshirt back, panting to the fresh open air as he makes his way towards the house. It’s an uphill track and every step he takes reminds him of the time he held on Wooyoung’s hand while walking on these same streets not so long ago, when Wooyoung was showing him the house for the first time, when things were less complicated between them. It feels like just yesterday he came to Korea, but at times it also feels like he’s been here forever. Memories are indeed tricky things.

“ Good morning!” Nichkhun greets to the people he meets as he jogs up hill. Some just looked at him curiously, but others greets him back, an old man, probably older than his grandfather even pats his back and gave him an apple.  It settles a warm feeling inside his chest as he opens the side door and walk into his old house.

Where there were shrubs , there are none now. The stony pathway leading across the front yard is more visible now, Chansung and the boys really helped him a lot in cleaning the house up.  Nichkhun wants to repay them with a hearty feast on Thanksgiving. Nichkhun is planning a thanksgiving dinner here. And he does have a lot to be thankful about, his friends, his life, and despite the strain coming between them, he’s thankful for wooyoung .

Nichkhun understands that he can’t impose his feelings towards Wooyoung nomatter how strong he feel about him. One cannot force love. If that is what he’s feeling for Wooyoung--this gentle tug to his heartstrings, the swell in his heart upon seeing his smile,--Nichkhun is not an expert but he imagines if he were in love, it'll feel something just like this.

Like he'd give the moon and the stars , the whole world to Wooyoung if he desires it, even if that world doesn't include his own existence.

He tosses his keys on the counter and takes a bite into the apple he’s given, getting a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator and then taking a few swigs of it. The glass material of the bottle clinked with the ring he’s wearing and gets his attention. Nichkhun stares at the simple silver band around his ring finger for a while.. He took it out yesterday and decided to wear it just in case, out of impulse, thinking that maybe if he’s lucky enough he’ll find someone who recognise it. Nichkhun's doesn’t dwell long in that thought because his phone is buzzing, demanding his immediate attention, Nichkhun brings the milk and walk slowly to the kitchen island.

He reaches into his pocket with one hand and swipes it open, setting the half full bottle of milk on the counter. There’s new text from Chansung, don’t mention it, hyung. If there’s anything else we can do to help, you just say the word, okay, which Chansung end with a cute heart emoji. Nichkhun laughs. The next message comes from Junho,  Yeah, is all good. So, do i need to bring anything over ?  Nichkhun throws his apple core into the bin before replying, Nope, just you being there will be a wonderful gift. In which Junho replies him back, God damnit that’s so cheesy, even for you, followed by a ^^ that somehow feels to be more on the sarcastic side.

But it’s not Junho that made Nichkhun freezes on the spot, staring at the screen of his phone for far too long.

I’ll clear some schedules, i’ll be there.

It’s Wooyoung.

Nichkhun sent the invite via text messages and honestly he didn’t think Wooyoung would pay any mind of it, like he clearly wasn’t with all the texts Nichkhun sent him before, but this time he read it, replied to it. It should’ve make Nichkhun feel happy but instead, ridiculously enough, it makes Nichkhun feel like crying.

~

The idea came from his mother, at first.

Well, it’s more of a proposition than anything else, but the more Nichkhun thinks of it, the more it made sense. Mother was not happy knowing that he was in Seoul, alone, meeting old friends. She softens a little bit when Nichkhun says he’s here on business journey, the head office wanted him to take care of things at their Seoul branch, and they trusted him to go.

It’s not the whole story but it has bits and pieces of truth and Nichkhun knows how his mother feels about her precious son climbing up the career ladder so when she gave him a long sigh instead of a ticket back to LA, Nichkhun knows it’s working.

Nichkhun also knows that it’s probably the best plan that he have over the past months, not that he actually had a plan when he approached this a few months ago. He was just--, he took his bags and he just follow his gut feeling. He didn’t plan to stay this long in Korea. He didn’t plan to bond with Chansung, didn’t know the guy would open his home for him, his heart. He didn’t plan Wooyoung. Oh he didn’t even see that one coming. He doesn’t have a plan, but if he did have one, falling in love to Wooyoung is something he never would have thought of.

Which is why it’s good that his mother called. Puts things into perspective. What did he expect anyway? That his memories would suddenly come back to him just because he’s in Korea again? That Wooyoung would drop everything for him?  When he took that plane ride to Korea, all he think about is to have questions answered so he’d be able to move on. Well he had answers now, albeit not all. At this point, moving on is the best decision for everybody. And Nichkhun thinks now he can actually do that. At least he can try to do that.

A comforting fact Nichkhun knows about the current company he’s working for is that, they are genuinely nice people, most of them to say the least. His super and him are on first name bases, even with his boss despite the , and the rest of his co-worker never treated him with ill intention. He realises, the only reason he only considers them as acquaintances and not friends is because he pushes them away. Not blatantly, of course, only that he always finds excuses for gatherings and ducks his way out of social meetings.

Nowadays he notices, that he feels calmer when meeting people, feeling more at ease in his own skin, being his own person, questions no longer bothers him as much as they used to and he has genuine interest in the people he sees. This might be one of the reason why he’s been doing so well with the workload he received for the Seoul office, after getting to know the personels in the office here ( and as a way to distracts himself from anything wooyoung) , Nichkhun finding himself getting out for coffees and makgeollies,  sojus at night over light chit chats in the city strips and he--, he likes it. The conversations, the company, the exchanged laughter and stories, it made him feel warm and he’d like to think that it’s more than just because of the alcohol in his system.

It seems that they favor him too, sees him as the friendly foreigner rather than the usual no nonsense auditor from the head office who only came to scrutinize people for their mistakes. Nichkhun suppose this was what made them opened up to him more, sharing their side of the story that Nichkhun tries to reconcile with the bosses in LA, while negotiating a way out despite the cultural differences present. And it works. He’s been making more progress in these few days compared to the early weeks when he’s here.

“ Helloo.. are you paying attention here, i said two cups of flour , not sugar .”

Nichkhun glances to his laptop screen, placed higher on top of a stack of old recipe books he found earlier, and grins. “ Yes, mam.” he nods, and TIffany smiles back from the laptop screen.

“ Are you sure you going to make this cake from scratch? I think you can find some cake mix there, can’t you.” she says questioningly.

Nichkhun sifts the remaining flour into the bowl, “ Uh, this is my first and last thanksgiving here. So i want to make it memorable.”

“ Baking a disastrous cake will surely make it memorable, i think. ” she teases.

“ Hey, let’s try and keep a positive mind here, please.” Nichkhun shoots a glance towards his screen. Grinning, he pats down his apron, “ what else?”

“ Beat the butter and sugar, medium speed mind you, we don’t want creams exploding everywhere again.” She shoots a glance back.

“ That was one time, and i cleaned everything before your mother came.”

“ Oh yeah, mum says hi. Said she missed eating kimchi and watch cherryblossoms.  ”

Nichkhun smiles, “ i can bring her some kimchi when i get back, but i’m afraid she will have to come here for the cherryblossoms viewing.”

“ Uh, about that.” There’s a change in Tiffany’s tone of voice that gets Nichkhun to look up.

He sets the mixer in the supporting handle, “ About what? Cherryblossoms viewing?”

“ Mmm..no. “ Tiffany looks like she’s having a conversation with herself in her head, and after wincing, she look straight to Nichkhun “ About you coming back. “

“ What about it?” Nichkhun asks, wiping his hand with his apron.

“ Uh, do you remember that umm.. Cute guy i told you about?”  

Yes, Nichkhun remember. He walks closer to where he put his laptop, his apron has this large pocket at the front and he sneaks his palms in.  “ What about him?” he asks curiously, trying to guess where the conversation is leading to.

There’s a pause, and Tiffany is visibly taking a deep breath before answering, “ He’s--we’ve, had lunch…--es, we have had lunches, yeah.”

Nichkhun nods. “ Okay.”

“ and dinners.”

“ O-kaay.” Nichkhun steps forward.

“ and he…, kind of stayed over for last weekend.”

“ Ahh...”

“ And a few weekends before that. At my place.”

“ ...i see. “

The noise of the mixer whirring in the background is the only sound heard after that, Nichkhun lifts his eyes to look at Tiffany. She’s been a very good friend to him for all these years, they hardly ever quarreled. He lets her do whatever she wants and she never judged him for anything. He was never never jealous about her guy friends. He never knew why he never gets jealous.

He knows it now.

Minjun told him to not do this over a phone call, and Nichkhun had already planned to confess this to her as soon as he gets back to LA. But now, if Tiffany is telling him what he thinks she’s telling him, maybe now is the appropriate time.

“ Are you happy?” Nichkhun breaks the heavy silence..

Tiffany blinks, seems surprised by the question. “ What?”

“ Are you happy? ...does he make you happy?”

She shrugs ,“ I’m--”  . Her arm moves to scratch her elbow, clearing .” Yeah.. i’m happy. He makes me happy, i suppose.  He got me all these stupid little presents that i adore so much and he shows up at my door when i needed him and--,”

Nichkhun takes a deep breath and lets it out. “ Okay then.”

Her perfectly drawn brows knitts together in confusion, “ ...Okay then?”

“ Okay. it’s okay. “ Nichkhun nods.

There's a pregnant pause between them before she says anything. “ That’s it...? I’m telling you i’ve been seeing another guy while you’re away, ...and all you say to me is Okay then?”

Nichkhun bites the inside of his cheek, playing it between his teeth as he catches her pretty face on the screen. He’s thinking. Weighing his options. But in the end of the day, Tiffany has been honest with him and Nichkhun thinks he owes it to her to be equally honest. He inhales deeply.

“ There’s...um..there’s this...guy…” Nichkhun starts.

He tells her about Wooyoung.

He tells her about the first time they met, their second--first time, granted Wooyoung was his best friend until he forgot all about his existence. He tells her how Wooyoung is witty and kind, how Wooyoung is scorching hot one moment and freezing cold in the next, how Nichkhun is taken between his smiles and frowns, his conspiring smirks and placid poker faces, Wooyoung is an enigma that baffles him yet lures him even closer everytime. Nichkhun tells her about their kiss, the heavy-breathing-refusing-to-be-ignored attraction that’s been growing between them.  Nichkhun tells her on how his skin burns in Wooyoung’s touch, his heart elated, his very soul sings when Wooyoung finally finally kissed him back.  

Nichkhun tells her that he’s trying to get over him.

Tiffany stays silent, and then she shakes her head, eyelashes blinking back something, not tears, memories perhaps. “ I’ve been with you for years and i’ve never…., i’ve never seen your eyes lit up like that. Not for anyone, not even once, even for me."

“ I’ve never felt something like this to anyone before.”  Nichkhun says, it’s the truth, although this feeling is vaguely familiar. Had he been in love with Wooyoung before too?  His heart is having a déjà vu while his head can’t place the memory nor the time.

“ Well.” She laughs, but she’s turning her face and, this time wiping the corner of her eyes with the tips of her finger, her manicured nails glints under the light.

“ I’m sorry.” Nichkhun says genuinely.

“ Me too, me too. I’m sorry too. “ She sniffles, and chuckles, and then lifting both hands up, “ But yeah, don’t be sorry, i guess i won’t have a new guy with me too if what we have was something, you know, the real thing. Ahhh we had fun , didn’t we? “ She asks him after a pause , her eyes glassy but her smile is there.

Nichkhun smiles back, “ Yes , yes we did.”

She puts her hands on her cheek and widens her eyes, “ Oh god it all made sense now, but why are you leaving? If he’s the grand love of your life, which he seems to be, why would you leave him? I don’t understand.”

“It’s complicated.” Nichkhun answers, and immediately hates the sound of his own voice when saying it. He wets his lips and tries a tiny smile, “ Because he doesn’t feel the same way. Because he has his own life. Because he’s getting married in a month or so. “ Nichkhun lets out a choked laugh, “ All the above?”

She looks at him, and it feels like the minutes just stretches on forever until she huffs, straightens her back and breathes out, “ Just so you know, i’m going to tell everyone that it was me who dumped you.”

She doesn’t prod further where it hurts and Nichkhun appreciates it. “ You do that.”

“ –and that we parted on good terms. “ She adds.

“ of course.”

“ No wait, you wailed for days in Korea. Devastated that i broke us off, clearly. ”

“ Gutted.” Nichkhun's played along.

“--But we agreed that this is for the best--” She goes on.

“ Of course, we do. ”

“ And so, as dependable, mature adults that we are, we decided to remain friends and not let this come between us.”

Nichkhun grins, “ Absolutely.”

“ Ugh. My mother is going to hate me, she loves you like you’re her own son.” She sighs.

“ She won’t. Send her my love.” Nichkhun tells her softly.

Tiffany looks at him thoroughly, this unspoken understanding between them that feels like an even ground,  and then she tilts her head aside , a smile blooming. “ You know~, i have a movie date with  cute guy this saturday, do you think i should wear that blue ribbon-y blouse or the pink pastel one?”

It feels like a heavy weight just been lifted off his shoulders, Nichkhun smiles before replying to her , “ Do you still have that white lacey one? WIth the pink embroidery? You should go with that. You look cute in that.”

“ Okay “ She nods.  “ Okay.”

“ Okay.” Nichkhun echoes her. If he could hug her he would.

“ Oh, check the eggs, you don’t want to over beat it. ” She reminds him, an easy smile on her face.

Nichkhun welcomes the change of topic, never imagined things will go this smoothly between them, but then again, they were always, first and foremost, friends. And he appreciates her friendship. “ ...now what goes in first, the flour? The sugar?” Nichkhun turns around to see the inside of the mixing bowl.

“ no, no, do you have your carrots and walnut ready?” Nichkhun's hear her say, “ Okay now you need to pour it in by small amount, we don’t wanna bust our mixers again.”

“ Again, that was a one time thing.” Nichkhun protests, “ You’re not going to let it die down, are you?”

“ Neverrrrrr..” Comes her giggling reply. " Now, finish this quickly i need to practice on my sad but happy i'm single again face for a selca."

Nichkhun laughs.

Nichkhun has always thought of Tiffany more as a really good friend than a lover, someone who helped him get through some rough times in his life, she was there for him as he was there for her and he loves her, he really does. But it was never, love. Somehow, Nichkhun thinks, that Tiffany knows that too. After all said and done, he know they will remain as friends, no matter what.

Nichkhun is grateful.

~

“ Are you busy?”  Nichkhun opens his phone and finds the text after he’s done taking the cake out of the oven. It turns out okay, the cake, a little on the salty side and Nichkhun made a note to cut the salt next time. But the cake can wait.

Wooyoung is texting him.  Again. Twice in one day is a record breaking achievement, especially after the long radio silence from Wooyoung’s part.

“ No, not really. Why?”  Nichkhun manages to reply back, slowly making his way to sit on the kitchen stool, cake forgotten on the counter. “ Do you need me for something? ”

“ can i come over?”   Wooyoung replies. So frank and straightforward it catches Nichkhun off guard.

Nichkhun's heart pounds in his throat. What the hell is going on? “ Yeah, of course you can.”  he replies, and then sending another text that reads “ i miss you” because he can’t help it--he’s a greedy man when it comes to Wooyoung--always wanting more than what Wooyoung is ready to offer.

For  a moment he thinks he ruined it, but then his phone buzzes, and Nichkhun stares at it--really stares at it for what seems like forever--never thought four little words could make him feel so weak, happy, and miserable all at the same time.

“ i miss you too.” is what Wooyoung texts him back with.

Nichkhun throws his phone on the table like it was fire, pacing around the kitchen to calm his nerves, he’s shaking and he can’t breathe, he needs to breathe. He can’t have a breakdown every time Wooyoung reaches out to him, it’s ridiculous.

The doorbell ringing makes a good distraction for Nichkhun, who goes to it in long strides, almost yanking the door off its hinges as he swings it open.

His mind is playing tricks on him again.

Because it is Wooyoung standing on his doorstep, white shirt and dark blue blazer, the emblem of their highschool embroidered in gold and red on the front pocket.

Nichkhun just looks at him.  The afternoon wind blows and Wooyoung pushes his fringe back in one fluid motion, Nichkhun is mesmerised.

I miss you , the words are sliding off his tongue like it has been waiting there too long ( far too long than just a mere few weeks, it feels ancient and dusty, buried years inside the maze of his incomplete memory) only to get trapped between his teeth.

Wooyoung’s cheeks are rosy and full, his teenage eyes clear and he’s smiling this wonderful smile that gets Nichkhun's breath caught up in his chest; It hurts, his chest hurts--his heart hurts. Nichkhun closes his eyes.

When he opens them again the image is gone. Wooyoung is still there though, the Wooyoung in his twenties that Nichkhun knows, looking tired and worn. The bags under his eyes makes Nichkhun think Wooyoung is somehow having it even harder than him. Whatever that would actually means.

“ Hey, “ Wooyoung says softly. “ Aren’t you gonna let me in? “

“ Yeah, ah sorry. “ Nichkhun's steps back after a pause,  holding the door open for Wooyoung. He’s still shaking, he realises that, so he curls his fingers tighter around the doorknob when closing the door, inhaling deeply before he turn and faces Wooyoung.

“ I like what you did with the place, no shrubs tripping my feet when i walked here.  No more mosquitos. ” Wooyoung tries to lighten the mood as he steps inside, but the odd pitch of his voice gives him away.  

“ I’ve had help. Obviously, couldn’t possibly do it by myself.”

“ So i’ve heard.” Wooyoung says. HIis eyes going through the things in the room, the little trinkets on top of the fireplace, the paintings on the wall. His shoulders looks tired, heavy with burdens Nichkhun knows nothing about. Wooyoung’s gaze settles on something across the room. He glances to Nichkhun then, and Nichkhun nods.

“ It’s cleaned and properly tuned. “ Nichkhun informs as he gestures Wooyoung to follow him, “ I haven’t touched it since the last time, but i’m sure it’ll sound better now.”

Wooyoung takes his blazer off, brown, slightly crumpled,  similar to what he’s wearing the first time Nichkhun sees him ( that feels like a lifetime ago ) and places it on one of couches. He rolls his sleeves up to his elbows and approached the grand piano with such affection, the way he brushes his fingers along the now shiny black lid. “ May i?” He asks.

Nichkhun can’t help but to smile. The last time they did this, Wooyoung was leading the way, Wooyoung was the one hosting this place for Nichkhun, and a wonderful host he had been. Now it’s Nichkhun's turn. “ Go crazy with it.” He tells Wooyoung. A smile breaks across Wooyoung’s face like sunrise, beautiful as it is breathtaking.  Nichkhun tries not to think how it he might have fallen just a little bit more.

Wooyoung starts playing a song, his fingers moving flawlessly on the piano keyboards to a children's nursery rhyme. Then he lifts his eyes to Nichkhun invitingly, a small smirk playing on the corner of his lips and, well , Nichkhun is weak when it  comes to Wooyoung. He joins Wooyoung then, sitting on the bench beside him as they played the song together. Together as in, Nichkhun being in charge of pressing one single note while Wooyoung is responsible for basically the rest of the song, just like before. When it’s over, the strain between them feels less palpable, although it haven’t completely wear off, but it’s a start.

“ You have flower in your hair.” Wooyoung tells Nichkhun out of the blue.

“ i have what?” Nichkhun touches his hair absentmindedly, because why would he have flower in his hair?

“ i said, you have flour in your hair.” Wooyoung looks amused as he reaches up and starts patting parts of Nichkhun's hair, narrowing his eyes and giving Nichkhun an inquisitive look when he sees the white also dusting his cheek faintly. “... and on your face, what have you been doing ?”

Wooyoung’s fingers brushed over his cheek gently, the tired circles around Wooyoung’s  eyes are dark, like his eyes when it inevitably falls on Nichkhun's lips.  Wooyoung is close, so close that their thighs are pressing together,  and that point of contact became a source of warmth that inexplicably washes over Nichkhun , coursing through his veins and hitting all the right nerves. Nichkhun feels the urge to lean over and swoop Wooyoung in for a kiss. It would be so easy to do so.  But would Wooyoung want him to? What does Wooyoung want?

( What does Nichkhun  want?)

Nichkhun flinches, and Wooyoung catches on the small movement.  “ I made cake.” Suddenly standing up, Nichkhun clears his throat.  Confusion flashes across Wooyoung’s face, ( or was it disappointment? was it, really? Disappointment? Or was he only seeing what he wanted to see? ) They’re both been down this road before, alone and tempted, Wooyoung a gravitational pull that Nichkhun can’t seem to escape. But this love is hopeless, Wooyoung is getting married and what right does Nichkhun have to ruined it for him?

“ A carrot cake, it’s in the kitchen. Come on.” Putting a stop to his over analysing mind, Nichkhun turns on his heels and heads to the kitchen, leaving Wooyoung to close the lid on the piano.

He can feel Wooyoung’s eyes on his back as the latter follows him, and Nichkhun tries to brush aside how nervous it’s making him feel. One step after the other, his mind tells him, don’t trip. The kitchen offers some relieve, Nichkhun goes around the island to open the cupboard for some plates.

“ An actual cake, wow, i’m impressed.”  He can hear Wooyoung muttering, his distinct chuckle when he pulls a stool to sit on.

“ Yeah, i’m testing a recipe for thanksgiving dinner. Not that impressive, i got Fany guiding me step by step through skype. “ His fingers freezes mid air when he realises what he just said, Nichkhun didn’t mean to drop Tiffany’s name. Should he explain her to Wooyoung?

When he place the plates on the table, Wooyoung doesn’t question him. “ It looks nice.” he only say to Nichkhun, his gaze fixating on the cake. “ I’m sorry i couldn’t come yesterday, i was running around Seoul the whole day, i couldn’t even feel my feet when i got to bed.” Wooyoung half-whines.

“ For the wedding?” Nichkhun asks, slicing the cake in perfect poker face while his heart pounds in his ear.

“ Oh, you knew?” Wooyoung looks up to him. “ I know i should’ve told you, i didn’t want you to think that i was avoiding you.”

“ Jinyoung told me.” Nichkhun forces a smile, placing the sliced cake on Wooyoung’s plate. “ I suppose i owe you a congratulation.”

There, he said it. He addressed the elephant in the room. It doesn’t make him breathe easier though, he still feels choked, and perhaps he followed the recipe wrong because the cake in his mouth tastes like sand, dry and unfavoring.

Wooyoung looks at him blankly for a second too long before blinking , “ Um..yeah, i guess i made a promise that i don’t think i can back out from.” Wooyoung says softly, he’s smiling a little at this and something burns inside Nichkhun.

Wooyoung is terrified, Nichkhun remember his own voice saying. Wooyoung is confused and i kept pushing him… but Wooyoung is still getting married, Wooyoung is still going to walk that aisle and giving his love and life to share with someone else, that girl that was picking up his phone calls for Wooyoung the other day probably. She seemed cheerful and bubbly from the sound of her voice, the kind of girl who can make Wooyoung laugh and be happy. Nichkhun hates her. Nichkhun hates himself for hating her.

But inside, his heart drags, he keeps busying himself with the notion that Wooyoung might feel the same way as him, that Wooyoung is torn inside because he has feelings for him , and it distracts him from the most important thing; that it was Wooyoung’s decision to get married. He had asked someone’s hand in marriage, and not a kiss or two, or even a thousand charged kisses between them could ever compared to the devotion that drives a man to propose someone to share their lives together. Maybe Wooyoung did feel something, some forbidden physical attraction  between them. Maybe Wooyoung was just being curious . Maybe, Nichkhun thinks as his heart plummets into his stomach, maybe he just can’t handle Wooyoung’s rejection.

“ Why are you here, Wooyoung?”  He hear himself say. He’s laying all his cards on the table and knowing now, finally , that what he has is not enough to win Wooyoung’s heart.

Nichkhun doesn’t get to have his answer then, though. Because Wooyoung’s phone buzzes and after receiving it Wooyoung looks paperwhite pale. “ Jinyoungie..” His lips tremble as he stares to Nichkhun, “ There’s been an accident, he’s in the hospital.”