Nichkhun would be lying if he said it doesn’t stick with him as days pass by, that it doesn’t tease at the corner of his mind. It has been three full days since he opened that box; a time capsule from the past that lets him peek into his previous life.  A Pandora box that made questions revealing themselves in his head. Questions he kept in the shadows, questions with new found courage to step into the limelight of his mind, demanding his attention.

He’s had these questions for a long time now, but never dared to ask himself because it was not the proper time, never the proper time, to look behind when he's reaching so hard for the future. It’ wouldn’t be fair for his family either; he knows he wasn’t the only one traumatized by the accident if his parents silence about the matter is anything to go by.

But it’s not like he can help it, for every question he stomps down two would materialize out of nowhere.  What kind of a person was he? What was his life like in high school? Was he the jock? The nerd? The philosophy geek? The popular kid? What were his friends like? He knows he likes reading, but have he always liked reading?  He likes red, but why does yellow appeal to him so much? He’s so drawn to that sunshine-like color that he even owns a whole set of stationary in that color; yellow mechanical pencil with a yellow chick-shaped eraser, yellow pens and markers that he kept in his transparent yellow pencil case.

Not to mention his yellow flip-flops, yellow towels, yellow mugs. Tiffany love to for it, saying it’s cute but aren’t you too old to have a color based collection items? Usually Nichkhun just shrugs it off, unable to provide a feasible explanation to her, -to himself, that somehow there’s something more about the color yellow that leaves him fascinated and drawn.

Above everything, from all of the questions emerging in his head, the one Nichkhun wanted to know the most is that, was he happy then?

The photograph of him and the five other boys keeps lingering in his head. Their smile. His smile. He looks so happy in those photographs. Not that he’s not happy now. He has a decent job that pays well, he has friends, --acquaintances, to socialize with. His family loves him; his girlfriend never complains about anything, his girlfriend’s family adores him. His life is complete. Almost. Because Nichkhun couldn’t help but feel that there’s something missing. A gaping hole in his heart where something was supposed to be there.

A piece of his missing puzzle.

" Baby what’s bothering you?" Nichkhun looks up and meets his girlfriend's worried gaze.  The faint sound of piano being played on their usual dining place escapes Nichkhun along with whatever Tiffany was trying to say to him.  “You’ve been staring into your food for the last 5 minutes or so, are you trying to digest them mentally?" Tiffany reaches forward to hold his cheek lovingly.  She was joking, but her smile is faint and her eyes are tired.

It‘s not exactly love, this thing he shares with Tiffany. Nichkhun is sure of that.

But Tiffany is nice, and friendly and Korean. Somehow that fact gives a sense of connection to him. Despite everything, Nichkhun finds his heart has a strange way of warming up at the thought of Korea, or everything that relates to Korea. Maybe because he's half curious of his life there, maybe because both of his parents always seemed to avoid any conversation concerning anything Korean, maybe because he’s just a er for samgyupsal ( tried it once with Yanin secretly and was blown away), maybe he'll know if he remembers more. For now it just naturally made Nichkhun warms up to her.

It was unfair for Tiffany but so was life and Nichkhun never remember himself as a fair man to start with.

He never quite remembered who he was before.

Dinner with Tiffany was nice. It was always nice. They talk about their day, share some jokes and worries, eat their food, talk a little bit more until it’s time to kiss and wave goodbye. Tiffany has her own car so Nichkhun doesn’t need to drive her home, and it’s not weekend so he doesn’t have to spend the night at her flat. They're more like best friends than lovers really, but Tiffany is not complaining, and Nichkhun feels that their platonic romance was-, well,... nice.

He tosses his briefcase on the couch after locking the door of his apartement, stretching his arm and walking straight into the kitchen. He pulls out a tub of ice cream from the freezer and snatches a spoon as he makes his way back to the living room.  

The light from the tv flickers upon Nichkhun's face as he kicks his shoes off and props his feet on the coffee table (he’s feeling rather rebellious today and will worry about home etiquette later) and slouches back on his couch, toes wiggling free under the yellow socks he’s wearing.

Half hugging the tub, Nichkhun takes a spoon full of ice cream and brings it to his mouth , his eyes gazing uninterestedly towards some random game show playing on tv.  Nichkhun is not really an ice cream lover but he keeps having these urges to buy them, piling them up to fill his freezer and taking them out in times when he feels painfully lonely, like today; Like in most days, and somehow the sweet vanilla taste in his mouth would calm him down. Which is strange, because it wasn’t even his favorite flavor, but Vanilla just tastes better. No, it tastes right. It feels-, right. And it gives him more comfort, much more than any therapy sessions or little white pills could’ve given him.  

Nichkhun would bet his bottom dollar that among the pieces of puzzle he’s missing, there would be one that could explain his infatuation towards vanilla ice creams.

~

Nichkhun swallows a couple more pills on his lunch break, earning a concerned look from Minjun who sits across the table.

“ Not feeling well again today are we?” he sips his americano. Like Tiffany, Minjun is a second generation Korean born in the states and Nichkhun feels comfortable with him.

“ Headaches.” Nichkhun gives him a short answer.

“ Usual headaches or “the headaches” headaches.?” He prods further. When Nichkhun says nothing and busies himself with his food, Minjun doesn’t relent. “ You haven’t had those kind of headaches anymore lately. Are the nightmares coming back too?”

“The nightmares are always there, man.” Nichkhun answers quietly. ” They never left.”

Minjun sighs. “ Yeah, but it’s getting worse lately aren’t they? I haven’t seen you popping pills like that since a long time.”

Nichkhun shrugs, he hates the fact that everyone who knows about his condition tend to treat him so carefully, like he’s a fragile china, broken once, patched up, and now must forever be treated with the utmost care.

“I know you since college man, and- . Don’t you ever wonder?” Minjun his lips, a habit too familiar for Nichkhun.

“About?” Nichkhun wipes his mouth with a napkin, pretending he doesn’t feel Minjun’s eyes boring hole on his face.

“ About maybe it’s time to end it? To-, I don’t know, have a closure or something. These nightmares and headache could be your memories trying to kick its way back into your head and maybe you should-, , maybe try to stop taking those pills for once?”

“ Asking me to stop taking them is like asking me to stop breathing . It’s just not possible,”  Nichkhun shakes his head and downs his water in one breath.

As much as he hates taking those tiny white pills, Nichkhun can’t imagine not taking them. The nightmares was bad enough when he took them, what kind of hell would be unleashed if he ever chose to stop taking them?

“ Okay, so it’s a bad idea,  then maybe you should go to Korea or something. Get it done once and for all ?”

“ There’s nothing for me in Korea. My family moved back here, remember? And then back to Thai but that’s not the point. Why should I go there? What does Korea have to do with everything really?”

“ beats me, but maybe that’s what you need to find out?” Minjun reaches forward to steal some fries from Nichkhun’s plate and Nichkhun lets it. His mind too preoccupied with something else to defend his lunch, because much as he hates to admit it, Minjun might have a point.

~

It lingers in his mind. Dangling annoyingly in his thoughts and Nichkhun finds there’s no way to ignore it anymore. An idea. The idea.

Maybe instead of waiting for the memories to come to him, he should go and try to recover it himself. Maybe, he could pass on without taking those little white pills and just let the nightmares come at him at full force, just so that he’ll know what the hell they’re about, because his nightmares were never clear. It was just this sorrow, this crushing pain that was choking the life out of him.

He flips the picture to read the names for the nth times. Chansungie, Taec, Junho, Khunnie, Woodong. " Khunnie", he smiles. Only a handful of people besides his family call him that, the people he knows here calls him Nick or Buck, because it’s simpler. It shouldn’t matter but somehow, Khunnie feels more personal, and these people knew him as Khunnie.

He wonders why he never asked about his high school friends to his family. but then he remembers that none of his family ever talked about their life in Korea, maybe like him; they too just wanted to move forward.

But Nichkhun is curious, intrigued, by these people, these friends he have had. They might know things, stuff that might help him recover his memory, his missing pieces, and maybe then the nightmares will stop.

It‘s in his mind as he wakes up the next morning, covered in sweat and tears and shoving another couple of pills into his mouth automatically. It’s in his thoughts as he types in his usual reports in his plain dull office. It stays in his head when he finds himself making up excuses not to meet Tiffany for the weekend.

Nichkhun eyes the year book with uncertainty, worrying his bottom lips before finally noting down the addresses and phone numbers listed under five specific photograph.

He doubts for a second, but collects himself and starts dialing the first number with determination. The person who he notices was always present in every pictures of him, the person Nichkhun guess was his best friend among this circle of friends. The youthful looking boy with slanted eyes.

Jang Wooyoung.

His palms turns cold as he waits for the connecting tone, not really knowing what to expect, what to say. What does one say to a best friend he’s forgotten about?

“Yeoboseyo?" A voice comes up and pulls him back from his thoughts. " Yeoboseyo??" It greets again when Nichkhun stays silent.

He want to talk, really he does. But there’s an aching pang piercing his heart and his mind goes blank just like that.

 " Who is this? " The voice asks in thick Korean before falling silent.

Nichkhun couldn't move, he couldn't even blink. He feels heat rising, warming up his cheek.

“Well? Aren’t you going to say anything now that you’ve finally called? Tch. “  Nichkhun hears him clicks his tongue. “Okay, then I’ll do the talking.” He  continues. ”Comeback please. Everyone is worried about you. I'm worried about you, if you don't feel like coming home, then you can come here, we'll talk it over ice cream, I’ll let you choose the flavor. See, I'm being a good sport."

The man on the phone chuckles lightly. It’s heavy and it sounds so familiar but at the same time it doesn’t.

Nichkhun has prepared himself of having some sort of reaction, but he's not prepared for this, obviously. It feels like the walls are closing in on him and he never thought of himself as a claustrophobic before but right now it’s as if  there’s no air no matter how hard he tries to breathe and he’s shaking and he’s going to die from suffocation because he just can’t breathe.  

“Look Jinyoung, I know it’s hard being a teenager. I know you're confused and upset and in love..”

Nichkhun hears him exasperates, and god what is that???  That soft husk edging around the voice, he feels like he have heard that before, Nichkhun is sure of it; but then again maybe he’s not. Was it really a distant memory or was it a blurry dream? His memories are not the most dependable thing in the world right now, Nichkhun reminds himself.

“-but your mum only want what's best for you. Also, remember that you have a math test tomorrow and just because I'm your uncle doesn't mean I’m gonna let you off easy. I can and will flunk you if necessary, you get that? So go home, have that ice cream with me..,  I will wait for you until you're ready. You know where to find me.”

“ I love you. We all do.”

Nichkhun leans back against his chair, his fingers still gripping the phone knuckles white, eyes flitting in a daze. Something cold and wet falls down his forearm and Nichkhun blinks, only realizing then that tears are streaming down his face.

What is happening? Who is this Jang Wooyoung? What is this feeling? Nichkhun doesn’t really recognize the voice, but there's something in that voice. What is it?

The disconnecting tone drones his eardrum but Nichkhun can’t seem to put the phone down.

~

Nichkhun wakes up with sweat drenching his forehead. His breath scatters and heart pounding erratically while his fingers digging into the blanket.

His face becomes damp with sweat and sticky with tears. It won't stop this time, the tears, and Nichkhun finds himself sobbing, weeping. It isn’t even a manly cry. It’s tears and snots everywhere and yet he doesn't care. There's this crushing pain in his heart, far worse than his usual nightmares. It’s like someone wrenched his heart out and shreds it to pieces. It was so painful he felt it would surely kill him this time.

" I love you.." He blurts out of nowhere. " I love you I love you I love you.." The word comes rushing out like fast flood, unrestrainable and devastating.

What's going on? His brain reacts while his lips continue to chant these three words, unable to stop. " I love you I love you.." His voice croaks pitifully. " I love you I love you I love you..."

Who?

Who was it that he loved?

Why can't he remember?

His eyes jerked wide with a glint of past knowledge. Nichkhun jumps and runs to his wardrobe, pulling the brown box from the upper shelve in haste. His strength and urgency causes it to slip and fall, scattering its contents to the hardwood flooring of his bedroom.

Where is it? Where is it?

He's on his knees, tossing and swiping his medals and trinkets out to look for something, eyes widening as he holds the   dark brown frame in his hand, the picture of him and his sisters in front of their old house. His fingers quickly stripped the back covering and as it opens, something small falls and hits the floor.

His fingers tremble as he slowly reaches for it, breaths hitching as he takes a good look of the shiny thing.

It was a ring.

It was silver, the design simple yet sophisticated. There's fine gravings on the inner circle, words written beautifully and delicate.

" Forever and always. KY."

a/n. i think i should tell everyone that i have a thing with slow build. so, pls bear with me :))) and i actually started writing this before kf happened, so, yeah, kudos for them tho. and thankyou for the comments <333