Nichkhun opens his eyes and see stars.

Yellowish, round pointed stars, lots of them, sticking to a ceiling he faintly recognises. They’re shining, --no, they’re glowing, this strange shimmer which they kept from the sun, stolen daylights that possess not even a fraction of its original shine. They’re dying, the stars. Dying and clinging to the last bit of light the sun gifted them before surrendering into the night.

“ Tell me again about Paris.”  A gentle voice hushes, nudges him at the precipice of his consciousness , and suddenly Nichkhun is aware of the soft fabric under his palms, the pillow under his head, fluffy and smooth. He’s aware of the elbow poking his side, the elbow that connects to a shoulder, up to a neck and eventually, a face.

“ Wooyoung.” Nichkhun breathes.

“Tell me about Paris.” Wooyoung says again, insisting this time, and also so young. His cheeks  are fuller, his jawline softer, and he’s lying, --they’re lying, on his old bed in his old room, Wooyoung with both of his palm folded on his stomach, face angling towards Nichkhun , looking at him with eyes gleaming of youth and trust with none of that murky hesitancy and self restraint he’s seen so much in the adult Wooyoung.

“ What do you want to know?”  Nichkhun hears himself replying.

This is a dream, Nichkhun realises as he floats out of himself, now an audience of the two teenagers on the small bed. Dream Nichkhun is younger, with limbs long and lanky, like he grew too fast overnight and he’s still adjusting under his skin; dream Nichkhun is smiling, telling Wooyoung about the Louvre, about large corridors filled with paintings and high vaulted ceilings with decorations,  telling Wooyoung about the open sky outside.

There’s an abandoned party hat on his study desk, next to a plate of half eaten slice of what Nichkhun guess is from a birthday cake, someone’s birthday cake, probably his but he’s not sure.  The map on his wall looks new, no flags pinned anywhere; the continents looks funny though, and yet they make sense in the way only dreams do. Everything blurry and hazy but also so focused at times. Nichkhun feels light, and warm.

“ Do people really kiss freely on the streets there?” He hears Wooyoung's voice again, couldn’t help but to smile from the innocence of Wooyoung's question.

“ Why ? Do you want to be kissed on the street when we’re there?”  Dream Nichkhun teases.

“ No, i don’t. Shut up.” Wooyoung elbows him, and Nichkhun feels it. A light nudge on his ribs, just barely there. “ maybe i do, maybe, kind of. ...maybe,..you can kiss me here...”

Wooyoung reaches for his hand and gently link their fingers together, he’s not making eye contact  though,  stubbornly looking at the ceiling, at the dying stars. His cheeks an endearing shade of red and Nichkhun can’t stop staring at him. He’s dream Nichkhun again now apparently, pressing so close beside Wooyoung he can feel the way Wooyoung's chest expand and deflates as he breathes.

Through the open window, through the thin curtains that moves with the blowing wind, the sun have left them, a magical colored sky in its trail, purple red orange flaming the horizon, challenging the coming night. The round pointed stars of his ceiling seems to glow brighter.

“ Do you want me to kiss you?” Nichkhun whispers. When Wooyoung turns to look at him, Nichkhun gets the feeling Wooyoung will give him the eyeroll of a lifetime , or maybe a mean punch by the shoulder but—

--but Wooyoung didn’t.  Instead he gives a small nod with this sheepish smile, his thumb brushing over Nichkhun’s knuckles softly. Nichkhun smiles back before turning to his side and leans over, gently pressing their lips together. It’s a chaste, closed mouth kiss that lasts only a few seconds,  but Wooyoung is beaming when Nichkhun opens his eyes.

“ What are you doing?” murmurs Nichkhun when Wooyoung pushes his shoulder back and starts slowly, but surely, climbing on top of him, palms flat on Nichkhun’s chest and knees trapping his hips.

“ Hi..” Wooyoung greets, gingerly, this adorable shy smile on his face.

“ Hey beautiful.” Nichkhun greets back, and then gets awestruck by the way Wooyoung’s face lights up, blushing at his words, how his timid smile contradict the flicker Nichkhun sees in his eyes.  “This is nice...” Nichkhun bites his lower lip with eyes fixating still on Wooyoung as he settles his weight down.

“ This .. “Wooyoung jabs Nichkhun’s chest, adoringly. “--is your birthday, and i...want to give you my present.”  Says dream Wooyoung, his face turning a few shades redder if possible.

Nichkhun shouldn’t be surprised, probably, should paddle back and grin and ask Wooyoung to stop joking around; but something in Wooyoung's eyes tells him that this is not a joke, that this is important , even beyond the borders of his dream. That there is something here that’s huge and massive it feels like a great big secret is about to be revealed before his eyes.

Wooyoung kisses him.

It’s slow and careful, nichkhun parts his lips when he feel the soft nudge of Wooyoung’s tongue. He tilts his head to find a better angle, hand shooting up to cup Wooyoung’s face. Wooyoung moves his hand from Nichkhun’s chest up into his hair, fingers tangling in Nichkhun’s hair, pulling, tugging, keeping them closer together as if they’re not pressed tight against each other already. “ Is this okay?” Wooyoung asks softly.

“ Yeah, “ Nichkhun rasps, heady with so much Wooyoung flooding his senses.

Wooyoung breaks the kiss to pull his shirt over his head and throwing it to a corner, and then he just looks at Nichkhun, his chest heaving. They haven’t turn the lights on and the stars above them glows even brighter in the darkened room. Somewhere in the distance the sound of traffic faintly reaches them, Seoul getting ready to welcome the night. But here there’s only the two of them, here there’s only Wooyoung, who looks stunningly beautiful with the way the stars’ glow falls on his bare skin, the glint of sweat on the long expanse of his neck, the soft way his eyelashes flutter--the tips of it light and almost golden--when he blinks slowly. Something in Nichkhun chest tightens, a familiar warmth blooming in his stomach.

“ When you’re out there..” Wooyoung starts, his fingers moving to Nichkhun’s shirt from the bottom up, Nichkhun's breaths shudders each time Wooyoung's fingers brushes warmly against his skin. “ When you’re traveling the world,... don’t forget about me.” Wooyoung leans down to kiss Nichkhun’s chest, right under his left collarbones, sending tingling shivers that travel and ignites, tiny sparks in every part of him that Wooyoung touches.

“ I will never forget about you.” Nichkhun tells him breathlessly, too overwhelmed by Wooyoung's weight on him, Wooyoung’s lingering touches, the intent he sees in Wooyoung’s darkened eyes.

“ Never?” Asks Wooyoung again, lips still half pressed over Nichkhun’s skin.

“ Never.” Nichkhun answers shakily, a pang of pain piercing through his heart.

Yours is the light by which my spirit’s born: yours is the darkness of my soul’s return. You are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.

He cups wooyoung’s face gently with his hands, all the while the pain in his chest twists, cutting and sharp.

He will never forget Wooyoung. That thought is ridiculous! He can never forget Wooyoung when Wooyoung is here, his touches real, his whole being everything Nichkhun longs for. He will never leave him, he will carry Wooyoung with him whereever he go, and even if they part Wooyoung’s name will etched deep within his heart. It’s the truth!

He will never forget Wooyoung. Never!

And Nichkhun is saying these thoughts to Wooyoung, promises, saying them vehemently he stumble on the words, chokes on it, the words, the tears, his desperation pouring out in broken sobs. But dream Nichkhun isn’t crying, he is . The pain in his heart bleeds black, ugly, swallowing everything beautiful that he knows, leaving him with pitch black emptiness. Suddenly he’s trembling with anger, it’s not fair! I will never forget Wooyoung!  

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be!

The ceiling stars glows brighter brighter brighter so bright that it’s hurting his eyes .  

Nichkhun scrunches his eyes shut.

When he opens them again he’s not dream Nichkhun anymore, dream Nichkhun is kissing Wooyoung slow and passionately, dream Nichkhun is cradling Wooyoung's nape while Wooyoung has his hand on his stomach, careful fingers on now skin. Dream Nichkhun is murmuring i love you and are you sure? and Wooyoung is returning those in kisses, touches, with a hand going lower to start undoing Nichkhun’s pants with a yes, i’m sure murmured back.

All the while Nichkhun floats away; further away from his room, away from the narrow mattress of his old bed, from the stars on his ceiling. Nichkhun floats helplessly away from Wooyoung.

Chansung knocks on his door and Nichkhun jerks awake before the second set of knocking came, always the light sleeper.

“ Hyung..?” Chansung calls behind the door. Nichkhun drags himself towards it, careful not to hit any of the boxes of files he has on the floor, works from his Seoul office.

Need to pick Junho up, Chansung tells him. He’s got too much to drink and can’t drive home. Don’t wait up. Nichkhun nods blindly, and then curses inwardly when the motion worsens his headache, only manages to squint his eyes and catches the shadow of Chansung’s figure disappearing in the hallway.

He drops face first on the pillow when the rumble of Chansung’s engine is no longer heard, and between sleep and awake and a headache the size of Russia, he tries to remember his dream. There was Wooyoung, and… stars, glowing, well something was glowing, was it Wooyoung? Wooyoung was glowing? doesn’t make any sense, there’s a party hat--Nichkhun thinks and--, and then there’s something else too, something important he should remember, it’s teetering on the bridge of his mind, a simple nudge will push it falling into his pool of awareness, but the more Nichkhun tries to remember the more the dream eludes him, slipping slowly through the caving holes of his treacherous memory until it’s nothing but fragments of hazy blurs.

~

“Got the electricity going.”  Chansung pokes his head through the kitchen door, grinning.

Jinyoung tosses his broom to Chansung who catches it swiftly. “ heck yeah, finally! we can use the vacuum cleaner, no more broomsticks. JB!  get that thing going.” He hollers into the house before launching himself off the counter where he’s leaning back.

“ Yah, little brats, careful not to scratch the floor!” Chansung pauses. “ or i’ll cut it from your pay! “

A synchronized  “ Nee hyung!” is heard before drowning in the whirring sound of  vacuum cleaner being .  Nichkhun smiles from where he’s standing near the sink, drying his hands after washing it clean. He got the water running again yesterday, and with the electricity back, they can really speed up with the cleaning. He walks toward the kitchen island, grabs a bottle of mineral water, uncapping and offering it to Chansung, who takes it gladly.

“ i really appreciate you doing this.” Nichkhun starts, getting himself another bottle to drink from. He’ll need to check whether the refrigerator is still working, if it’s not then he’s planning to get a new one tomorrow.

“Nah, don’t mention it. “Chansung shakes his head, “what are friends for, right? “he gulps his bottle empty.

Nichkhun his head aside, smiling a little as he lifts to take a sip, “ well, you ‘re bringing Jinyoung and JB with you.. that’s a bit..”

Chansung laughs, he sets the empty bottle on the table and waves Nichkhun off. “ I’m paying them by the hour, the shop is closed for today anyway. Is good that they get to keep their pocket money, and besides, working hard builds character!”

Chansung has this dopey smile on his face when he turns to look at Nichkhun. He doesn’t look all that different from their high school years, still the same genuine smile, the same clearness in his eyes. Nichkhun had wondered if he has any friends in high school—if he had anyone at all—and now Chansung is in his kitchen. Every bit of a good friend anyone would love to have.

Junho had  dropped by to bring popsicles for everyone somewhere at noon, saying he has other things to do, and Nichkhun doesn’t know if Junho really do, but he doesn’t want to push, the fact that Junho is willing to drop by his house is something Nichkhun is already grateful for.

Wooyoung is busy. Can’t say he was surprised when he hears that from Jinyoung so he just nods and smile his best, no reason to get anyone else involved in the mess between them. Mess, that’s what it is, it’s a pile of something that is--truthfully-- immense and wonderful, but also kind of terrifying for both of them, Nichkhun thinks. Complicated. As complicated as calling Wooyoung but having a girl answering the phone for him instead. That was, pretty numbing. So yeah, Nichkhun supposes Wooyoung has been busy lately.

“Anyway, i figure we should get going if we want to finish everything before thanksgiving. That’s what it is, right? The reason you’re moving out? because you wanted us to have a thanksgiving dinner here, in your house? and not because of.. other reasons?” suddenly Chansung is eyeing him warily.

“ Other reasons?” Nichkhun exhales and blinks his eyes to get the thought of Wooyoung out of his head, “ such as?”

Chansung clears his throat, his ears looking suspiciously red as he avoids Nichkhun’s gaze. “ like, if um.. if you were uncomfortable because of, because Junho and me, we--uh, talk too loud, at times.”

Grinning because he knows what Chansung is trying to say, Nichkhun brings his bottle closer to his mouth before sipping it. “ you guys do...talk, a lot.”

“ Oh my god, that’s really the reason why you’re moving out? Hyung, it’s just--, i’m just--,  i mean we—Junho and me, we get really umm... vocal, when we’re fuc--, talking! i mean talking.” Chansung stutters nervously. “I tried to be as quiet as i—we,  can , but it’s so hard hyung when--”

Nichkhun grins. “ Oh i bet it's really hard , Hwang Chansung." He continues when Chansung looks like he's about to die from embarrassment ." But we are not having this conversation, Chansung. Nope.” He pats Chansung on the shoulder, “ Trust me when i tell you that that is not why i move out. I do have earphones so i won’t hear you two when you guys talk.” He chuckles.

And he is telling the truth, that one misfortuned night was the only time Nichkhun allows himself without an earphone whenever Junho came to spend the night at Chansung’s place. It’s funny how that night feels like a lifetime ago when it had just been a few weeks. Sometimes Nichkhun feels like he couldn’t stand this radio silence from Wooyoung any further, and maybe, that’s why he’s doing this. It’s like closure, from his part at least.

“Hyung?” Chansung waves his hand in front of Nichkhun.

Nichkhun breathes in sharply, then focuses his gaze on the younger man, for how long has he been lost in his own thoughts?

“Sorry.” Nichkhun clears his throat.

“All this time and you still haven’t changed one bit.” Chansung chuckles. “ I wonder what’s going on inside that head of yours.”

Nichkhun quirks up a thin weak smile at this, “That makes the two of us.”

Nichkhun never seen a smile drops so fast from Chansung’s face the way it does just now. “ Hyung, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I’m so terrible.” Chansung quickly corrects himself.

This time it’s Nichkhun that chuckles, slinging an arm around Chansung’s neck and pulls him in, “ Yah, are we just gonna stand here exchanging apologies to each other?”

“ Oh..oh..that reminds me to check on the boys…making sure they’re not breaking expensive vases.” Chansung wiggles his way out of Nichkhun’s headlock, his good natured humor returning.

“ Go.” Says Nichkhun with an easy smile now.

Half way to the door, Chansung turns around, looking contemplative, but he sets his eyes on Nichkhun as if he’s about to announce something important.

“Just wondering, about the initials thing you asked me before? " Chansung asks, "Did you found out what it’s about? Have you talked to anyone else about it?“

Nichkhun slips his palm into the front pocket of his jeans and lifts his shoulder. “ No, i—I never…” truth be told, Nichkhun hasn’t been pursuing that as much as he’s been pursuing Wooyoung. But he’s not feeling guilty about it, oddly. Someway somehow in some weird way he accepted the fact that he wouldn’t be able to get all the pieces of his puzzle. He’s accepting the fact that he won’t get Wooyoung either. Life is a funny thing, and sometimes Nichkhun wants to laugh at the absurdity of how things played out in his.

But why would Chansung asks him about this? Curiosity?

“Why? “ Nichkhun finds himself asking, “ You said you know nothing about it?”

“ Yeah I might know…something.” Chansung scratches the back of his neck.

Nichkhun freezes where he stands, he can feel the hair of his skin pricking while something—not anger, he’s sure of it, it’s ice cold and numbing, surging through his veins. Chansung lied to him before, Nichkhun knows it, didn’t chase after it for whatever reason that is fleeting him at the moment because something else is stirring inside his head. Images of the silver ring entering his mind in flashes; on the day he found it, falling from the back of a wooden picture frame of him and his sister. He can see the initials, clear as day. KY,  forever and always, Chansung’s apologetic smile,—lies , as he told Nichkhun he knows nothing of it, Wooyoung’s blooming smile, blinding , beautiful.

“ forever and always, really?” a familiar voice echoes teasingly at the back of his mind.

Nichkhun takes a deep breath, his fist balling inside his pockets. “ Tell me..” he says to Chansung.

“ I can’t. It’s not my story to tell, “Chansung tells him. Before Nichkhun opens his mouth to say something about it, Chansung adds. “ You should ask Wooyoung. You two…should sit down and talk some things out.”

“ Yeah, I’m not really his favorite person to talk to apparently.” Nichkhun shakes his head.

“ Don’t say that. He’s just—“

“ Busy. He has a life, I don’t.  I get it okay. I know.” Nichkhun doesn’t mean to snap at Chansung, but it happens anyway.

“ –confused. Wooyoung is confused. “ Chansung says in a way that gets Nichkhun to look at him. “He’s also terrified.”

That is a bald-faced lie and Nichkhun is calling it out this time.

“Why would he be terrified? “ Nichkhun quips. Wooyoung has a good life, a good career, friends and a girlfriend. His life is full, he should be happy, he should be ing rejoicing. Unless,

Nichkhun’s breath hitches at the thought, and when he lifts his face to Chansung, he can see that Chansung knows.

“It’s me isn’t it?” Nichkhun asks, incredulously. “That’s the reason he--, that’s why he won’t come around anymore. Ooh God. “Nichkhun barks out a laugh, the empty, hollow kind of laugh. “ It’s me, Wooyoung is terrified of me, isn’t he? He did feel something for me, didn’t he?”

“He feels a lot of things for you , hyung..” Chansung smiles wryly.

Chansung looks like someone had just kicked his puppy and Nichkhun would try to console him if he’s not in the middle of breaking down himself.

“Our kiss. He kissed back. Wooyoung kissed me back.” Nichkhun murmurs, staggering back until he feel the edge of the counter, he grips the rim tightly to keep himself from falling. The world is spinning.

Chansung’s eyes are blown wide, “ What ? He—, you two...kissed, recently?”

That must be the reason why he’s afraid, why he was terrified. Wooyoung was acknowledging this growing feeling between them, but he can’t, he has his family, he has his girlfriend. That’s why he was so torn.

“I’m such an idiot.” Nichkhun rasps, he was only thinking of himself, so selfish. “ and I keep pushing him , Chan. I kept pushing him.”

“What? Hyung, I don’t understand.”

“I’m in love with him, and I kept pushing him to accept my feelings.”

“You’re in love with him? W-wooyoung….You told him that? You told Wooyoung you loved him?” Chansung stutters, “When was this?”

“No i, .. he has his life, his family, his girlfriend, and he feels something for me. No wonder he’s terrified. And I’m an idiot for putting him in that position.” Nichkhun goes on.

“Wooyoung has a girlfriend?” At this point Chansung is basically shrieking.

Nichkhun however, is shaking, his whole body is shaking apart at the seams, his mind a chaotic mess.

“ I wish things were simpler.” Wooyoung’s voice echoes back inside his mind. It all make sense now. No wonder Wooyoung was terrified. Everything he knows, the life he had built, Nichkhun is basically telling him to let those go when he ask Wooyoung to accept his feelings. It makes Nichkhun’s blood runs cold, he’s heartbroken, but more than that he is ashamed. He came to Seoul to find his life but here he is ruining the life of the one person he should’ve protect. Wooyoung deserve happiness, he doesn’t have the right to ruin Wooyoung’s life. Not again.

Not for the second time.

~

You are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.

Nichkhun opens his eyes and see stars.

Yellowish, round pointed stars, lots of them, sticking to a ceiling he recognizes as his room. They’re shining, --dimly, but they are shining. Stubborn little things. Keeping themselves alive with the last rays of today’s sun. And they were shining yesterday, and the day before that. Glowing, without anyone around to watch this constant cycle, how many days, months, years? Had passed since they have somebody looking up at them again.

Seven years. That’s how long. Seven ing years. He wasn’t here to watch the stars glow their brightest for seven years.

All these months, years, and they’re still here. If he searches within these stars, will he find the answers he’s looking for? Will they share him his memory, tucked safely behind every glow?  If they could speak, what secrets will they whisper to him?

“ Wow, you two are so weird.”

Nichkhun blinks at the voice, realizing for the first time that he’s not alone, he stirs and to his side he sees Jinyoung sitting on his study chair, slouching back with feet apart as the teen looks up to the ceiling.  “ I meant that in the best possible way by the way.” Jinyoung gives Nichkhun a sincere smile.

“ What are you talking about? “ Nichkhun tries to sit up, Jinyoung bolts from where he’s sitting onto Nichkhun's side , supporting his arm like he’s afraid Nichkhun's will faint again.

“ Take it slowly, hyung. How are you feeling? Do you need anything?” the teenager asks. Nichkhun's waves him off, but Jinyoung is still holding him steady.

“ I’m fine.” Nichkhun answers. He’s in his room, he doesn’t remember getting up to his room. The last thing Nichkhun's remember was talking to Chansung.

“ You passed out. Chansung hyung is getting your meds back at his place. “ Jinyoung informs him. Nichkhun's nods, his headache is still present but at least it’s ebbing away.

Nichkhun rubs his face, vaguely remembering something about Wooyoung under the glowof the stars, edges soft and blurry. He can’t put his finger on it. Was it a dream? Was it a memory? Is his head playing tricks on him again?

“ What were you talking about?” he asks Jinyoung instead, “ Earlier, something about being weird.” Nichkhun's elaborates when Jinyoung looks at him quizzically.

“ Oh that. Is just that--, have you been to uncle Woo’s house?” the teen inquires, “ He has something just like these in his room.” Jinyoung points up to where the ceiling are filled with stars.  “ You guys must’ve reaaaally love glow-in-the-darks.” he grins.

~

“ Are you telling me Wooyoung has these exact same glow-in-the-darks stars put up in his house?” asks Nichkhun to Jinyoung, the hint of a headache pulsing back in his head.

Jinyoung gives him an open smile, “ Well, i wouldn’t say the exact same ones, they have more… variations? like in the shape and sizes? but they do glow and they are stars and he does sticks them to his bedroom ceiling. Much like these.” Jinyoung points up again.

“ Why would..” Nichkhun swallows, “ Why would Wooyoung have glow-in-the-darks stars ,why would he do that?”

“ I...don’t know? I really don’t get the appeal of sticking glowing things on your ceiling. But he..likes it? i guess? “ Jinyoung asks back. “ maybe you should ask him yourself when you see him.”

Yeah , like that'll happen anytime soon. Chansung said it himself, Wooyoung is confused and terrified. He’ll have bigger chances winning the lottery at this point. “ He’s so busy lately.” is all Nichkhun say to Jinyoung.

“ Yeah, he’s been a bit preoccupied. A lot, actually.” Jinyoung mumbles grimly, “ Well, it’s not like i can help him with anything in that part. ” Sighing, Jinyoung shifts his gaze back up to the ceiling.

“ What is it you can’t help him with?” Nichkhun asks curiously.

“ I am helping all i can, for everyone.“ says Jinyoung defiant , suddenly looking so sullen. The teen straightens up and walk towards the window, the curtains flowing in the afternoon breeze, the sky in a purple-orange palette. Something feels familiar , Nichkhun's glances up to the stars in his ceiling.  “ Hyung, have you ever--,” Jinyoung starts from where he’s standing by the window, “... not wanting someone to go through with something but they look so happy and it’s not that it’s bad it’s just that, you’re afraid, what if that something goes wrong and everything falls apart and they ended up getting hurt. What do you do then?” He turns and look straight to Nichkhun.

Nichkhun looks back . Not completely grasping the sudden question.

“ I’m sorry, i shouldn’t be asking stupid things.” Jinyoung shakes his head, looking utterly sad and Nichkhun feels for him.

“ Hey, hey, no. it’s not stupid, hey.” he moves from his bed and approaches the teenager. Placing a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder, Nichkhun smiles to him. “ First of all, it’s okay to feel that way, if it’s about someone you care a lot about, it’s natural that you don’t want to see them hurt. But it is their life and it is their choice. You can't take that away from them. What do you do? you love them throughout, i guess. You celebrate with them in their happiness, and you be there for them if it does falls apart, which i’m hoping it doesn’t but if it does , you stay by their side and you make sure they know that they are loved no matter what.” Nichkhun tells gently.

From this angle, Jinyoung looks strikingly similar to Wooyoung, a younger version of Wooyoung maybe. Just as Nichkhun finishes this thought, a sharp pain hits his head. He presses the heel of his palm against his temple, when he looks back to Jinyoung, it’s not Jinyoung he sees, it’s Wooyoung.

Wooyoung standing in front of him in his school uniform, hands inside his pockets, eyes at the stars. “ Do you really have to do it? do you really have to go? “ he says. Nichkhun can see Wooyoung is on the verge to tears , and it wrenches his heart. The sadness and uncertainty painted on Wooyoung’s face.

Wooyoung's posture flickers and distorts suddenly and when Nichkhun blinks, it’s Jinyoung again standing near him. Nichkhun shakes his head to clear his mind, grunting when it feels like somebody just ing bashed his head with a frying pan.

“ Hyung, are you okay?”

Nichkhun holds on to the offered hand, looking up, “ i’m fi--” It’s Wooyoung. It’s Wooyoung looking at him with wet trails of tears slicking his cheeks. It’s not Jinyoung. It is Wooyoung.

What is going on?

“ Hyung, don’t joke around. Let me call Chansung hyung for you.” Nichkhun can hear that it's Jinyoung's voice, but the face looking back at him is Wooyoung, sad and broken.

Then slowly, Wooyoung's crying face blurs into Jinyoung’s worry one. The school uniform he’s wearing turns into Jinyoung’s shirt and jeans. But only for a while. One second Nichkhun is sure Jinyoung is talking to him, the next he could swear it is Wooyoung, young and miserable, clinging to him.

This is it then, he’s actually losing his mind, Nichkhun thinks.

He staggers back towards the bed, sitting down and bowing his head between his knees, willing himself to think between the headache and the chaos he’s feeling.

“ i’m alright. it’s fine.” Nichkhun mumbles despite his shock and confusion.

“ Are you sure? y--you don’t look like--,like it’s fine.” Jinyoung stammers , he has an arm around Nichkhun's back as if Nichkhun will fall over if he doesn’t, and who knows, Nichkhun probably would.

Nichkhun laughs, or tries to laugh. The headache still throbs although it is dissipating almost as quickly as it came now, the image of Wooyoung’s crying face still playing at the back of his head.

He reaches and give a reassuring pat on Jinyoung’s knee despite, no need to worry the teenager even more. “ I’m fine. Really, it’s alright. ” Nichkhun says, eyes still closed.

~

Jinyoung sits with him for a while more, long enough until he stops worrying and Nichkhun catches him looking up at the glow-in-the-darks stars again.

“ Does Wooyoung really have those in his room too?” Nichkhun breaks the silence, couldn’t stop himself from asking.

Jinyoung looks at him like he’s trying to figure out if Nichkhun is really feeling better, then he nods, “ Yeah. Next time you come over for a visit, check his bedroom and see for yourself.”

Nichkhun chuckles. “ I might.” If Wooyoung still want to see me again. he thinks to himself. “ How is he?” Nichkhun asks slowly. Terrified and confused . The words echoes back into his mind. Nichkhun sighs. How is he away from me for so long? how is he coping? does he ever stop to think about me while he’s going through his day, does he looks up the ceiling before going to bed and wonder whether i’m thinking about him too? but Nichkhun knows he can’t ask that.

“ He’s fine, if we’re going by your definition of fine just now.”

“ What do you mean?”

Jinyoung looks down at his hands. “ He really is busy. But something is bothering him, i know my uncle, he kept saying he’s okay, or he’s fine but i think he’s not really, you know? and the scary part is that i don’t know if it’s something else or if it has something to do with the wedding. and it ! i know i’m supposed to be happy about the wedding and all, but i’m also so scared. What if it’s not a good thing? what if it changes everything. We’re happy with the way things are, what if the wedding changes that? “

“ Jinyoungie, “ says Nichkhun, uneasiness rising up slowly. “ What wedding? Who is getting married?”

“ Uncle Woo hasn’t told you?” answers Jinyoung. Nichkhun shakes his head, he can feel his stomach sinking even before Jinyoung opens his mouth again.

“ The wedding, The great Jang wedding of the decade.” Jinyoung chuckles flatly, no mirth in his voice.

Nichkhun feels himself going cold. A wedding! he did not see that coming. Not even Junho’s snarks prepared him for something like this. “ Wooyoung is getting married?” he asks again, slowly.

Jinyoung exhales.“ Youngji noona and him are.”

“ Hyung, i can’t find your medicine !!” Chansung’s voice roars in the corridor before he appears at the door, slightly panting, he must’ve ran up the stairs to get them. “ Where did you keep them, did i accidentally threw them away? Oh my god, let’s get you to a doctor right now!”

After reassuring Chansung that he’s fine , he doesn’t need the doctors and no Chansung did not accidentally throw his pills away, he just haven’t been taking his meds in a while now, and it’s okay; Nichkhun orders in some pizza for the boys as his gratitude. Nichkhun eats in silence, drowning in his own thoughts while Chansung and the boys chitchats about this and that. Jinyoung looks like he’s over his glum, although Nichkhun thinks it might be just Chansung and Jaebum distracting him. Chansung help him dries while Nichkhun does the dishes. Jaebum and Jinyoung took the trash out. They say their goodbyes after that, Jaebum smiling and Jinyoung hugs him, to Nichkhun's surprise. Thank you for listening, Jinyoung says to him, Nichkhun hugs back.

Did you know about Wooyoung and the wedding? Nichkhun's asks Chansung after, careful of his tone so it doesn’t comes out as an accusation. Why haven’t anyone told him yet? Chansung throws him a curveball by smiling, just thought i’d let Wooyoung tell you in person, the invitation is still in printing, he answers, patting Nichkhun's back like it’s no big deal. Like he didn’t just swing the last punch to Nichkhun's already bruised and battered heart.

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It’s all my fault.

It is not all your fault.

He’s moved on.

No he hasn’t. He’s here, he won’t be here if he had moved on.

He remembers nothing.

Yes, but you remember everything.

It doesn’t matter now.

You love him. You still do, even after all these years, how can you say it doesn’t matter. What are you afraid of?

I never said “ i love him”, where did you get that idea?

You don’t have to. It’s written all over your face.

What if--,...what if he goes away again? I-i can’t--, not anymore.

He won't, not if he has a reason to stay. You are that reason. You can be that reason. You know that.

You really think so?

With all my heart.

......you know i love you, right?

I do. Now go tell him that. Tell him you love him still. You’ve always been brave, so please have courage this time too. You deserve to be happy, and he deserve to know.