Nichkhun finally decides to take the fight to Korea three days later.

He wraps things up at the office and files for a few days leave. His boss is surprised but it’s more because Nichkhun had never filed for a leave before, so he gets a pat on the shoulder, a “have a nice vacation, take all the time you need. ” with an encouraging smile. Nichkhun can’t decide whether he should feel grateful or uneasy about it but his boss seems genuine, so he smiles back and promise to try to return quickly.

Nichkhun insists on travelling light, packing a few clothes, a pair of jeans, clean underwear and some personal belongings, folding them neatly and tucking it carefully so it wouldn’t take up more space than it should. His eyes catches the sight of the canister of pills he has standing by on the night stand. Nichkhun reaches for it and stares at the damn thing, his mind conflicted. "These nightmares and headache could be your memories trying to kick its way back into your head and maybe you should-, try to stop taking those pills for once?" Minjun's voice echoes in his head.

Nichkhun bites his lips, pondering for a while, weighing whether he can survive without these damned white pills , but in the end he drops the canister inside his luggage and opts to keep it, just for a while, just to make sure, just until he can find courage to face his nightmares without the help of his medications.

As he shoves his red toothbrush into his backpack, Nichkhun realizes that this is crazy, insane.  He realizes that he doesn't have a plan, he doesn’t have anyone in Korea, he doesn’t have anything, and yet he still feels he has to make this flight.

He needs to know. Need answers for his questions, and so Nichkhun chooses insanity.

~

It’s raining when he steps out of the airport , a slight drizzle that’s enough to get his teeth chattering. He gets a hotel room, surprising himself when his tongue speaks fluent Korean and he has perfect understanding in what people was talking all around him. Nichkhun wonders if Korea has more surprises in store for him and the thought of it made him both giddy and nervous at the same time.

The next morning on his hotel room, fresh out of the shower and into clean clothes, he sits on his bed , pulling his notes out with the names and addresses and phone numbers. He has his red pen with him and circles the name "Jang Wooyoung", biting the back of the pen as he considers his option.

It nearly gave him a nervous breakdown the last time he calls 'Woodong', something about the voice, hidden somewhere inside that husk, in the curves of his sighs as he breathes out , Nichkhun can’t really put a finger on it other than it was clearly too overwhelming for now. So Nichkhun decides to try his luck with the other boys first. Hoping this time he would at least be able to say something.

A lady answers his call, she sounds friendly and warm and tells him no, the person he’s looking for doesn’t live here anymore. But she has his current phone number and Nichkhun writes it down and says thank you.

" Yeoboseyo?" A voice greets him as he dials the new number.

 It’s slightly heavier than 'Woodong’s' but its tone is a bit more cheerful. Nichkhun breathes in, bracing himself as he waits for the shaking, the walls closing in, the piercing pang in the place where his heart resides . There are none. There are no tears either and he finds his tongue a lot easier this time.

"Yes. Hello, may I speak to Hwang Chansung please?" He starts tentatively, feeling the Korean words rolling off his tongue in such ease.

" Yes, this is me. Who is this?"

" This is Nichkhun. Nichkhun Buck Horvejkul." Says Nichkhun.

There was a pause and Nichkhun is not sure whether it's because the other person couldn't hear him clearly or because he did heard him clearly.

" Khun hyung?" The voice asks, answering Nichkhun’s question. Hwang Chansung does remember him.

Chansung is this tall, statuesque man with long arms that dangles, not awkwardly, because there’s something soothing about the way he moves, like he’s comfortable in his own skin being his own person. Comfortable enough to hug Nichkhun tightly the second they meet at the hotel’s café. (that tells Nichkhun a lot about just how much this Chansung guy really remembers him because Nichkhun was still trying to memorize his face from the pictures when he’s suddenly got pulled into the hug.)

It’s different for him at first, being wrapped in a hug by a complete stranger and Nichkhun wonders whether Chansung feels the same, considering the years stretched between them. But Chansung, as Nichkhun will soon learn, is much like his hug. Chansung is warm and welcoming and genuine. He likes to laugh, --aren’t afraid to laugh out loud and he makes Nichkhun actually feels like a long lost friend. Like he's missed, and it feels good.

" I never would’ve thought--, " Chansung shakes his head disbelievingly when Nichkhun tells him what happened to him in all these years. “So you lost all your memory after the accident? Everything?”

" No, not all, some, but a lot of that some was during my time here in Korea.”  Nichkhun explains, fingers reaching for the packets of creamer and ripping three of it to pour into his coffee, swirling it slowly with his spoon as he continues, “..at first I couldn't even remember my name. But it came back to me in a few days, so did the other memories, but the times i‘ve had in Korea, they never really came back to me.” He lifts his shoulder, sounding a bit more apologetic than he intended.

Chansung breathes in slowly, eyes staring intently into Nichkhun’s cup of coffee before lifting an eyebrow, voice trailing far." No wonder.." He hums quietly, placing his own cup back on the table.

" No wonder?” Nichkhun searches for Chansung’s eyes.

 Yeah, you never.." Chansung tilt and shakes his head. " You never called us back, never replied any of the emails we sent you.. Your mum said you're having a hard time recuperating, and then she said you're concentrating to get to uni and then there's always something else and  a few calls after that I guess we just stopped calling you up.. " Chansung lets out a light embarrassed chuckle .

Nichkhun does vaguely remembers Chereen telling him about phone calls from Korea, about friends who asked to talk to him, but back then he was still in pain, and talking to strangers was the last thing he wanted to do. It’s just seemed easier to move forward at that time, concentrating on his wellness instead of reconnecting with people he doesn’t even remember, people he most likely won’t ever meet again.

" So have you talked to the others?" Chansung asks, careful as he looks back at Nichkhun.

" No. I haven't. Not really. " He lied. Not really wanting to talk about the tears, the sudden suffocation, the aching pang that happened when he called Wooyoung, so yeah, he lied.  “ And how is everyone, where are they now?”  Nichkhun lifts his coffee, focusing on the flowery pattern of Chansung’s cup.

Chansung watches him quietly. Nichkhun can see that he’s thinking, and for once Nichkhun feels like he too was a piece from a puzzle, long lost and now found, awkwardly squeezing himself in into his old place here, somehow wishing that he still fits between the curves and the angles. But Chansung is Chansung,  and Chansung makes everything easy, makes Nichkhun feels he’s less than a stranger, more like a brother, and fifteen minutes into their meet up, Chansung is already cackling about how Taecyeon gets Jay embarrassingly drunk at his bachelor party .

So apparently Jay and Taec is back in the states too now, sort of .  Jay is happily married with his highschool sweetheart Jessica, living in Seattle with their twin daughters and Taec is always on Jay’s hair when he’s not on business trips around the world, because Taec actually lives just across the street to Jay.  Junho, ( the one with the warm eyesmile if Nichkhun remembers correctly)  is working within the music industry. He's a choreographer and he’s very good at it but it takes long hours and he’s sleep deprived lately and I wish he would eat more but he never listens to me comes sputtering on a single breath take and Chansung furrows his brow as he speaks. Yet, Nichkhun catches the fondness in his voice and the gleam in his eyes.

" and Wooyoung? How is he? “Nichkhun clears his throat, feeling something clogging uncomfortably there.

 Chansung eyes flickers back towards him, suddenly seems all too careful. “He’s good.  Wooyoung is doing great; having the time of his life torturing his students with numbers and equations and variables. “Chansung lets out a quiet laugh to Nichkhun’s raised eyebrow.

“ Wooyoung is a math teacher in our old high school.”  Chansung explains.

“ He is?”

“ He is. “ Chansung nods.

“ but didn’t he wanted to become a dancer though? ” Nichkhun asks,

“ Yeah, “ Chansung snorts. “ remember he and Junho used to have dance-offs and dance competitions? and oh god the tireless banter on what move is cooler to use on events. You and i would sit on the side and watch them practice and bickers and whatnot till sun down while doing our homework. Well, at least you were doing your home work, I was usually napping."  Chansung shakes his head, “ Good times.” He sighs in amusement.

Nichkhun plays the scenes in his head, trying to match the stories to the faces he saw, the cold grey faces from the year book to these lively characters he’s being told about. Then his head switched to the Polaroid’s and everything seems to make more sense. He really could imagine Junho having a clear ambition in his life, because behind that eye smile Nichkhun could see confidence, determination. And Wooyoung, somehow the image of a boy with too youthful face bickering playfully with anyone is warming his heart.

These people, Nichkhun stares onto the still talking and sometimes chuckling Chansung, these people are real, they are living breathing people with real emotions and real daily lives and at one point of his existence he was connected to them, he was one of them and they were a part of him.

Pieces of the same puzzle.

" So what happened ? Why is he a math teacher now? That’s kind of a long stretch from being like Michael Jackson." Nichkhun asks, almost wishing he hadn’t though, seeing the way Chansung’s face pales the second he ends his question.

" How did you--, how’d you know that? Do you remember it?" Chansung asks back and it’s always saddening to see that, that hope, that spark in everyone’s eyes whenever he says the right word or mentioned the right name accidentally.

 Nichkhun shakes his head weakly and sips his coffee, trying to focus his mind instead to the creamy taste that’s winning over the bitterness. The taste that’s actually too rich and too heavy for his liking but it was comforting; like a best friend’s smile and calming, like an old lover’s hug. " Nah, I read it in the year book. Junho wrote about getting into the music industry and Wooyoung wrote that he’s gonna be like Michael Jackson, why? ” He asks back.

There’s a good few seconds of silence  between them, and it almost feels like that silence before his mother told him and the girls that their grandmother had passed away, or that time when his father gathered them all in the living room and told them that he and mum are getting a divorce. It’s that sort of silence and Nichkhun can’t help but to feel queasy on the stomach like something bad is about to happen.

He’s wrong though, something bad has already happened. He’s just seven years late upon finding it out.

“W-what?”  His brain freezes a little when Chansung tells him.

" The accident--,“ Chansung repeats.”--your accident. You weren't alone." Chansung takes a deep breath, huffing it out slowly out as he plays with his cup, the frail handle of the cup looks alarmingly delicate in Chansung’s rather stocky fingers . He continues,   “Wooyoung was with you when the accident happened. He was sitting in the front passenger seat beside you. You didn’t remember this? No one ever told you?" 

Nichkhun never heard about another person in the car. He never knew that he was not alone in the accident, never knew that there was somebody else with him when the whole thing happened. It’s just that his family never said anything about Wooyoung. Thinking it over, his family never mentioned anything about the accident to him and just guided him to concentrate on his condition, his recuperation and to just move forward. Never look back. And so he never does.

“Have you--, have you always make your coffee that way?" Chansung suddenly asks, pointing at his half drank cup. "Seemed a bit too thick and sweet wouldn't you think so?." Chansung stares at him and Nichkhun blinks, the rest of his thoughts still scattering as he struggles for a proper answer.

“Uh.., yes.. It actually is, but I like it. It tastes fine for me." Nichkhun lies. How would he explain that it tastes 'right'? That it made him feel comforted? Just like his bizarre cravings for vanilla ice creams and his adoration towards anything yellow.

That night on his hotel bed, curling under the blanket, Chansung’s words comes echoing back in Nichkhun’s mind, pieces that’s missing from his puzzle, pieces to be placed carefully to fill in the empty spots.

Some of it is not his though; they were parts from another man’s puzzle, pieces that could’ve tiled a completely different picture for the owner.

" While you were hurriedly transported back to the states for surgery, Wooyoung was injured pretty bad himself, he was pinned between the dashboard and his seat. His mum told us he had multiple fractures on his leg and his hip bone was severely crushed. He lost a lot of blood that they didn't think he'd make it, but Wooyoung proved them wrong by staying alive. When they told him that he won't be able to walk after the accident, that he would need a wheelchair for the rest of his life, Wooyoung proved them wrong again."

"Hyung, you should’ve seen how he worked his off to be able to walk again. All those painful rehabilitation session he had to go through. I know I usually hate it when he’s being stubborn, but this time I’m glad that he is. The doctors told him he won’t be able to be a dancer anymore, but I'm happy just to see him alive and kicking. Literally.

Nichkhun think of life as this one big jigsaw puzzle, and he's trying to gather all the missing pieces that he has lost, but he finds that he's not the only one. That somehow somewhere along the way, he might have caused someone else to lose their pieces of the puzzle, and now their puzzle will never be completed the way they wanted it to be.

Nichkhun didn't know why, but he felt like crying that night.

And he did.

~

Chansung promised to take him to see Lee Junho today.

after talking so much about Jang Wooyoung the other day, it was a surprise for Nichkhun that it was Lee Junho he agreed to take him to. Not that Nichkhun is complaining.

There's this aching spot in his chest whenever he thinks about this Wooyoung, and he's not even sure why. It could be a heart condition, something he acquired after consuming so many of those tiny white pills for so many years. That would really be something; he always thought the nightmares would finally find a way to kill him one way or the other.

The aftershave stings his cheek as he pats them on gently, nichkhun grips the edge of the counter while his thoughts shifting back to his conversation with chansung. He was his best friend, --Wooyoung. Chansung said the both of them was almost inseparable, tied together with some sort of invincible string that pulls and tugs between them only , that they seemed to connect in their own private wave length that sometimes words are unnecessary between them.

And yet, Nichkhun didn't even remember the other had existed.

Nichkhun didn't know about the hardships the other had to struggle with. All those years, all he thinks about was HIS recuperation, HIS wellbeing, HIS own fight for the future, HIS own peace of mind, HIS, HIS, HIS...

Would Wooyoung hate him by now?

A fist launches its way to him and Nichkhun had to stagger back from the impact. He tastes copper in his mouth and knows his lips are cracked.

" you Chan, I am not talking to him!" Junho raises his voice, finger pointing straight to Nichkhun’s face. He’s flushed red, half from all the dancing he’s been doing and half from being upset. The warmth and friendliness in his eyes Nichkhun found in the pictures is nowhere to be found. There’s only anger.

Chansung grabs Junho’s wrist, afraid he’ll throw another angry blow at Nichkhun." Cut him some slack, he flew half way across the world to talk to us, hear him out and you'll understand. "

“and why should I ? Cos he flown half way across the world? “Junho pulls his hand free and pushes himself away from Chansung, “Half way across the world my , I can kick him half way across the world back, how’s that? “ He takes his jacket and shoves it into his bag, his fringe sways angrily, crashing back to his forehead.

“Junho..” Chansung chides. Brows knitting together.

“ Oh no don’t you Junho me,”  Junho glares, " Shutting us off for years and he think he can breeze his way into our lives again. Not once did he calls us, emailed us, text us. . Don't you remember how we tried so hard to contact him? Even if he can't remember he could at least take the damn phone when we called him,... or when Wooyoung asked for him for god sake. "   Junho swipes his bangs aside, his eyes burning and hurt." Seven years Chan. Seven ing years. No, it’s not that he can’t remember, I think he just doesn’t  care. “Junho stares him down and Nichkhun felt a twinge of shame because Junho's words are true. He thought of no one else but himself in all those years.

“Well that’s not fair, his head was injured, and he can't remember anything. How can you expect him to remember us when he can’t even remember his own name? and it’s not--“

Chansung’s voice trails away as he speaks, explaining to Junho what Nichkhun had shared to him about his--, condition. Funny thing is, it sounds more like a broken record now; no one wants to hear it and even Nichkhun himself realizes how pathetic it sounds.

Seven years.

It’s has been seven years. He had seven years to pick up the phone, seven years to reply all those emails, seven years to look back, seven years to fix things.

And yet he didn’t.   

“ not fair? not fair? what’s not ing fair is Wooyoung not dancing. “ Junho snipes, slinging his bag across his chest, jaws clenching tightly. “" No. Okay? You may choose to forgive and forget, but I won't. I can’t. Not after he made Woo suffered so much."

And just like that Lee Junho left them. A cracked lips and a bruised heart in Nichkhun's part and he deserves it. He really does.

Nichkhun thinks his memory was locked tight somewhere in a chamber inside his head and he had lost the key to open it. Maybe Minjun was right. Maybe his nightmares are his memories, trying to break down the door from inside. But what if he didn't lose the key, what if he deliberately locked those memories in and consciously threw away the keys.

What if he chooses to forget?

~

It is a dream in like how a dream should be, hazy and blurry and bright. So so bright. It’s the color of summer, soft green grass over warm warm yellow sun warm on his face as the sunlight caresses his cheek gently. The smell of grass and last night’s rain caught between its strands, moist wet beneath the bench he’s on. The leaves rustling softly above him and it’s nice and he’s sleepy, so very sleepy lying on his back with his arms folded under his head and the wind whispering around him lulling him to sleep.

“ Youre not supposed to be here. I thought you had class.” Someone says, firm with a hint of amusement rounding the edges. Nichkhun peeks one eye open, wincing slightly from the rush of light invading his eyes. “you should stop following me  you know, you’re gonna get us in trouble,.” The person adds, whines, and the familiar clinginess there makes the warm warm sun seeps its way into Nichkhun heart.

 “ Only if we get caught, which we won’t, because I’ve been very careful.” Nichkhun whispers back, smiling, reaching a hand up to the dark silhouette hovering close above his head, resting his fingers on a warm nape and soft ends of jet black hair.

“ Tsk, you are insufferable.“ Nichkhun hears when he starts tugging his hand down. He sees lips curling into a smile though, white pearly teeth lining up before they come leaning down closer closer closer closing the gap between them and a what am I going to do with you? is exasperated with a quiet chuckle before Nichkhun tilts his chin up and sealed their lips together. It’s a gentle kiss, slow and sweet, the kind that makes Nichkhun insides goes all warm and gooey and eyes fluttering back closed.

And with a snap of a finger everything changes.

It was another nightmare, he should get used to it by now, yet he never did. It was the same terrifying feeling, and he feels so scared, so heartbreakingly sad. Like nothing matters anymore.

Like someone had died. 

~

Ok Taecyeon and Jay did a conference call with him the next day. Taecyeon has life in his voice that frizzles and pops with every laughter, this dry rasp that becomes unbelievably warm when he’s telling Nichkhun the story of them, of the six of them, and Jay will counter him back teasingly. Most of the time it was just the two of them bantering about and Nichkhun being caught in the middle, confused yet thoroughly amused. All and all it was a full three hour phone call from seattle and Nichkhun was truly grateful.

“ Good to hear from you again, man. I’m glad you’re okay, for the most part. ” Taec says after a while and Nichkhun depends on his luck when he asks them about the initials, the one he found engraved on the back of the silver ring. The talkative bubbly duo suddenly falls silent.

“ Where did you heard that? Did you remember anything?” Jay was the first to pipe up.

“ Nah, I didn’t. I read some scribbling on the back of our pictures together, and I was just wondering what it means,” Nichkhun shrugs, checking his nails to try to look nonchalant and then remembers that no one could see him through the phone anyway.

" I see…umm.., have you met Wooyoung by the way?" Taecyeon asks him this time.

Nichkhun notices Taecyeon is asking in that way Cheerren would asked him about his nightmares, careful and concerned; Another landmines. Something inside Nichkhun stirs.

" No, actually I haven't, but I am planning to. " Nichkhun grips the phone just a tad tighter.

And then it hits him, the possibility that Wooyoung might not want to see him, that Wooyoung might just hate him to the core of his bones. Nichkhun wouldn’t know how to handle that, it’s not every day he wakes up and realizes he had crushed a man’s dream and nearly taken his life with it. 

“D’you--?” Nichkhun his lips, hesitation never felt so sour in his mouth. “ Do you guys think he’s angry at me? --Wooyoung? Do you think he hates me?”

For a moment, no one says a word. The weight of seven years of silence falls heavy between them. Seven years of scattered memories must’ve had some sort of effect on them. So yeah, Chansung welcomes him just as warm,  Jay have been raving about a meet up in the states saying you should see my baby girls, Khunnie. they need to know uncles other than Taec to have a normal childhood. Junho hate his guts (or maybe hates him for abandoning them) but Wooyoung, what would Wooyoung do? Moreover, how would he react to Wooyoung?                                                                       

 “Truthfully? …I don’t know. “ Taec answers, “Seven years is a mighty long time, buddy. I mean I get emotional talking to you right now I can’t imagine how Wooyoung would feel if you showed up in front of him after all this time.”

 “ You don’t think I should see him?” Nichkhun murmurs quietly into the phone, hugging his knee with his free arm.

“ Who are we to tell you what you should and should’t do, man. We love both of you to pieces ‘swear to god , but you just--,...well damn dude you just vanished. Poof.  Yeah now we know why, but seven years back we didn’t know , and it was really difficult, especially for Wooyoung.” Nichkhun can hear the conflicted sigh in Jay’s voice.

He leans his back on the headboard, pulling his knees close to his chest. “ because Wooyoung and I was close? Apart from the fact that he might want to rip my head off for making him lose everything.” Nichkhun chuckles darkly, staring into the dim lighted ceiling. He can feel a headache coming.

“ Who told you that? That you two were close?” Taecyeon asks, alerted.

“ Uh..Chansung?”

Taecyeon mutters something under his breath that Nichkhun couldn’t catch and Jay was cussing out.“ I’m sorry what?” Nichkhun breathes in sharply, blinking his eyes repeatedly, not fully understanding.

Taecyeon seems to think about it for a moment before he replies. “ Yeah, you were close. You guys were—“  

“—bestfriends?” Nichkhun says when it takes longer for Taecyeon to finish his sentences.

“  …yeah, yeah bestfriends, i guess you can put it that way. “ Jay was the one who answers him before quickly quips out,. “ hey  Taec , you remember that one time where…”

And suddenly they’re talking about teen pranks again, about who skips classes the most, or who overslept in the library and got locked in to the next day, and some silly other things that they apparently did years back, but Nichkhun realizes that both Taecyeon and Jay never mentioned Wooyoung again, nor did they answered his question about the KY initials. Nichkhun knows a deflection when he hears one; he’s done it too many times with too many people before.