Another long week went by and nothing seemed to get much better for the small family.

Feeling too guilty over letting Daerim stay in one place too long, Siwon had shuffled her from family members to friends who were more than willing to spend time comforting her.

Meanwhile, Siwon tried his best to make things better at home again.

During the day, he would try to keep things organized, cooking ,cleaning, handling calls from managers or friends, who were still concerned with how Kyuhyun was recovering.

He’d politely thank them for their concern and say that things were getting a little better each day before hurrying off the phone, not wanting to leave his husband alone for too long.

Although he didn’t want to admit it out loud, Siwon was worried. The small improvements he’d see during the day, like a smile or two during lunch, or a soft kiss they would share while standing, embraced in the hallway, would be lost once it was time for bed.

Nights were rough, to say the least. It seemed that every night, just like clock work, Siwon would wake and find Kyuhyun in their baby’s room, either sitting in silence or crying over some small item.

The first couple of nights Siwon sat up with him for hours, trying to get him to talk about it, and let everything out he was feeling.

But when he saw that this had become a ritual, he would just bring him back to bed and simply hold him until he fell asleep again.

And so a routine was born.

Tonight was no different. Siwon’s eyes opened suddenly, as though something had startled him. Glancing over to his right, he saw that the sheets where pulled back and there was nothing left except the small indentation in Kyuhyun’s pillow where his head had lay. He knew none of this should have surprised him, but he was honestly hoping that tonight maybe Kyuhyun would’ve stayed. It hurt Siwon to know that in a way, there was almost nothing he could do to help his husband out of this. No amount of hugs, kisses, hours spent holding him or conversations had could stop him from clinging to their unborn son the way he was.

But he knew he had to keep trying.

 So he swung his legs off the side of the bed and stood, bracing himself to make the short journey to the bedroom across the hall. When he stood just outside the door to the nursery, he saw Kyuhyun asleep on the floor, with stacks of baby clothes around him. It was clear that he had been trying to refold all of them again. Something he had loved doing when he was still pregnant.

Weeks ago, this sight would have made Siwon smile, but now it did nothing more than grip his stomach.

Having this constant reminder of what could have been was proving to be anything but helpful. So as Siwon helped Kyuhyun back to their bed that night, he resolved that it was finally time to do something about it.

                                                ~*~

The next morning, when Kyuhyun woke, he realized he was alone in bed. As his body became more and more awake, he realized that something was odd. The sound that had woken him up was something he couldn’t immediately place. 

It was similar to a screeching….no, more like a tearing sound, he thought to himself as he sat up trying to listen more carefully.

Then it occurred to him. It was tape. Siwon must be tapping something.

As curiosity began to get the best of him, he eased out of bed, more from habit than from actual pain now, and walked to their doorway.

He was about to call out to Siwon when he realized that he was in the nursery right across the hall. The door was only slightly ajar and the lights were on.

Although Kyuhyun frequently found himself in this room, as far as he knew Siwon never found himself there, unless it was to take him back to their bed at night.

Peeking through the sliver in the door, Kyuhyun saw Siwon pushing a freshly tapped box to the side, before stacking it with two others. He then grabbed another box and walked over to one of the drawers that held their baby’s clothes before carefully placing everything inside.

When Kyuhyun saw this, he immediately pushed the door open.

“Wh-what are you doing?” he asked in a panicked voice.

Siwon’s head whipped around and he saw Kyuhyun standing at the door, glancing around the room he currently was in.

“Hey baby, you’re awake,” said Siwon standing and walking over to where his husband was standing and still looking around curiously.

He reached out and Kyuhyun’s arms gently, happy to see that he was up and moving around. But he could already see the questioning look on Kyuhyun’s face.

“How did you sleep? Are you hungry? I’ll make you some breakfast, come on,” Siwon said trying to steer Kyuhyun away from the room.

But Kyuhyun planted his feet in the ground, as his eyes continued to scan the room they had lovingly turned into a nursery months ago.

Now there were large cardboard boxes scattered about and drawers were being emptied.

“What are all these boxes for? What are you doing?” asked Kyuhyun as he shook his head, not understanding why this could possibly be happening.

“Kyu, I was just…I thought maybe it was time to put everything away,” said Siwon said glancing over his shoulder and then back at Kyuhyun.

“Away?” he asked shaking his head again as he pushed past Siwon.

He walked over to the nearest box and peaked in. Inside was a stack of never worn, still folded onesies. Seeing the layers of fresh white cotton, sitting alone, never to be used made his heart clench. Reaching his hand in, he pulled the top one off and unfolded it, taking in the impossibly small size.

Two months ago…

“Can you believe he’s gonna be this small?” asked Kyuhyun with a small giggle.

“I know, it’s hard to believe. I can’t really remember Daerim ever being that small,” said Siwon with a smile.

He had walked up behind Kyuhyun and placed his chin on his shoulder while his arms wrapped snug around his waist.

“Are you going to help me fold all of these or just continue to take these little breaks?” asked Kyuhyun with a smirk as he proceeded to fold another small onesie before placing it in the drawer.

“I’m sorry baby, I just love holding you like this, especially now that you’re showing,” said Siwon softly before placing a kiss to the inside of his neck. “I love seeing you like this.”

“Like a baby Buddha?” chuckled Kyuhyun folding the last of the onesies. “A beached whale?”

“No, like the beautiful father to our daughter, and now to our son too,” said Siwon holding Kyuhyun a little closer.

                                                ~*~

“No, no,” said Kyuhyun shaking his head as he began pulling out items from the boxes, clutching him to his chest in an effort to protect them.

Siwon rubbed his hands over his face as he watched Kyuhyun began to undo all of the work he had spent time on.

After a few moments he stepped over and tried to take Kyuhyun’s hands only for Kyuhyun to jerk his hands away.

“Wh-why? What were you thinking? This is all we have left of him…how can you just pack it all away?” asked Kyuhyun turning to look at Siwon, hurt in his eyes.

“Kyu…we can’t keep living in this world where we pretend that he’s coming any day now…we’ve lost him,”  said Siwon softly.

“But we—we can’t just forget that he ever was a presence in our lives! He was real! He was our baby,” said Kyuhyun, his voice breaking.

“I know, you’re absolutely right. And nothing is ever going to change that,” said Siwon sympathetically.

“Every night I come in here, and I just imagine what it would have been like to hold him, and rock him to sleep in my arms. Singing to him, feeding him, changing him, loving him. I need to be able to imagine that, I need to feel what it would’ve been like. Having all of this the only thing that keeps me going,” said Kyuhyun looking around the room sadly.

“I understand. I know how much it means to you to be able to hold on to all of this. But Baby it’s not healthy…and you have to stop,” he said finally, trying to take the onesie out of his hands.

“I don’t want to stop,” mumbled Kyuhyun as he jerked his hands away and then pressed the softness of the small shirt to his face. “Stopping means…it means he’s gone, forever.”

“No, baby. It just means that we continue living for ourselves and the rest of our family. You have to start thinking about the blessings that we still have, not what we’ve lost. I know it still hurts. I know it does. But doing all of this…physically clinging to the memory of him the way that you do, it’s not…”

Kyuhyun’s jaw tightened as his eyes cut over to Siwon.

“It’s not…” started Siwon, already sounding defeated.

“It’s not what?” Kyuhyun asked bitterly already anticipating what he was thinking.

“It’s not going to bring him back,” Siwon breathed, unable to really give life to his words, too overcome with the grief they filled him with.

“How could you say something like that to me?”

“I’m not saying it to hurt you,” said Siwon shaking his head. “I’m saying it so that we can begin the healing process. You have to start healing. You have to start moving on. You had so much to live for before you got pregnant and it’s like…you’ve just forgotten all about that life—

“Well unlike you, I care! I want him to live on through me, I want him and everyone else to know that he was loved and that someone cares he’s isn’t here! I can’t just forget I was carrying our child—

“I haven’t forgotten!” shouted Siwon.

The room immediately grew silent, as Kyuhyun realized that he had finally stung Siwon in the wrong way. In all of this time, Siwon had never shown this side of himself when it came to their son. He had honestly thought that Siwon was indifferent to it all. So he was more than surprised to see the emotion that was searing through his husband’s body at the moment.

“It hurts me just as much too! …I lost my child too! But I don’t get to grieve like this do I?!…I don’t get to stop living! We have a beautiful healthy daughter who needs us right now! She needs us—she needs you…and I need my husband back—I…” trailed off Siwon as he tossed his hands in the air in defeat.

Kyuhyun moved to say something but he stopped seeing that Siwon wasn’t yet finished.

“I wanted all of that too! I wanted to hold him and love him and care for him just as much as you! Everyday I have to walk around with it bottled up inside. And it’s like I’ve suffered a double loss! Not only do I never get to hold my son, but I’ve also lost the person that I married to all of this! So don’t you dare tell me that I don’t care! I do! But someone has to keep life going in this family!” he said before storming out and leaving Kyuhyun alone among the half filled boxes.

Kyuhyun remained standing there, instantly regretting the conversation that they had just had, but not knowing what to do to make it better. He considered going to him and apologizing immediately, but he also knew that when Siwon was really mad at him, which rarely happened, he needed time to himself to calm down.

But when he heard keys rattling and movement near the front door, Kyuhyun’s head popped up.

“Siwon?” he called out, moving around the boxes as quickly as he could.

Almost running down the hallway, he was surprised to see that Siwon was in fact standing at the door, keys in hand and just putting on his last shoe.

“Wh-what are you doing—where are you going?” asked Kyuhyun shaking his head.

“I just need a few minutes to myself, “ said Siwon not looking over at him.

“Wonnie I’m sorry—I didn’t mean what I said—I know that you care! That was awful and wrong of me to say—just don’t go, okay, don’t go,” pleaded Kyuhyun walking up to him.

“Baby, I know, it’s not about that,” said Siwon shaking his head slowly.

“Of course it is—why else would you be leaving? Look, I’ll even help you pack away the boxes, you're right, I have to stop pretending— tried Kyuhyun as he held onto Siwon’s arms.

“Baby. No, listen, listen,” said Siwon putting his hands to Kyuhyun’s face, trying to calm him down as he could tell he was getting worked up. “I just need a bit of air. You’ve had your time alone, I just need mine, okay? Can you understand that? Please?”

Kyuhyun swallowed the lump in his throat. “You promise you’ll come back?”

Siwon nodded. “Of course.”

“And you're not mad at me?” he whispered.

“No,” said Siwon rubbing his thumbs across Kyuhyun’s flushed cheeks.

“Then please stay,” Kyuhyun said weakly.

“You need to rest Kyu. Get back into bed and I’ll be home in a few hours,” said Siwon leaning forward to kiss his forehead.

Kyuhyun sniffled as he watched Siwon turn away from him and open the door.

“Wonnie,” he called out as he watched Siwon cross the threshold of the door.

Siwon paused, without looking back.

“I’m sorry, I love you,” Kyuhyun said taking a step forward.

“I love you too baby,” Siwon said softly before letting the door close behind him.