Once behind the heavy double doors, the nurse led Siwon and Daerim down a series of hallways, making too many lefts and rights for Siwon to remember. But it wasn’t long before they stopped in front of a room numbered 208.

Turning the handle, the nurse pushed open the door and then stepped back so that they could go in. Stepping into the room, Siwon walked quickly over to Kyuhyun’s bed, Daerim still in his arms, her neck craning to try and get a good look at her father as well.

Kyuhyun was laying in the bed before them, in a blue and white hospital gown, in a deep sleep. His usual full pink lips were dry and chapped. His skin was ashen, void of any of the warmth or rosiness they were both used to. His dark hair was visibly damp with sweat and clinging to his clammy forehead.

“Kyu Appa,” said Daerim shakily, not liking at all what she was seeing.

Siwon pressed her head against his shoulder as he looked down helplessly at his husband. As his stared on, he felt his chest begin to ache, sore from the guilt he felt at having not been there when Kyuhyun had needed him most.

“Appa, what’s wrong with Kyu appa?” asked Daerim softly.

Feeling the warm tears begin to make their way to his eyes, he cleared his throat, trying to focus on Daerim’s question.

“I—I don’t know aegi-yah,” he said turning away from the scene.

He was prepared to go back out to find the nurse who escorted him here, in an effort to find Kyuhyun’s doctor so that he could for the first time that day, get some answers. But as if by grace of G-d, a woman in a long white coat knocked on the door before walking in.

“Hello,” she said with a small smile as she walked to the end of Kyuhyun’s bed to get his chart.

Siwon frowned, this was not Kyuhyun’s regular doctor.

“Hello,” he said slightly taken aback.

“I’m doctor Bae So Yeon, I’m sure you were expecting Dr. Kim?” she said, reading Siwon’s face.

“Yes, is she not here—

“She was called away to see another patient, but she’ll be back to check on your husband later today. In the meantime she’s asked me to preside over him,” she said.

“Okay, fine, but please, just explain to me what is going on? Why is he here? Is he going to be okay? What—what about our baby?!” Siwon said, the thought just suddenly occurring to him.

In all this time, he never assumed what had landed Kyuhyun here would have affected their baby. That is until he saw the terrible state Kyuhyun had been left in.

The doctor her lips as she glanced at Daerim in Siwon’s arms.

“I don’t think it’s best to have this conversation in the presence of your daughter Mr. Choi. What I have to explain to you…may not be the most appropriate thing for her to hear,” warned the doctor.

Siwon’s mouth ran dry as the severity of the possibilities he was imagining ran through his head.

“A—alright…I’ll just let her say goodbye and then I’ll leave her with her samchons and come back. Is that alright?” he barely breathed out.

The doctor nodded.

Siwon looked at Daerim in his arms and then walked back over to Kyuhyun’s bed.

“Aegi-yah, the doctor has to tell Appa something important about Kyu appa, so can you say goodbye for now to Kyu appa—

“No!” said Daerim holding onto Siwon tighter.

Siwon his lips. “Daerim-ah, please. Appa really, really needs you to be a big girl. It’s very important. You have to do this,” said Siwon trying to pull her slightly away so that he could look into her eyes.

“No, no!” she said, her voice filled with panic.

Siwon sighed, completely unable to handle this right now.

“Baby, you have to say goodbye to Kyu appa just for a little while, okay?” he said turning so that she could look at Kyuhyun. “Look, he’s sleeping, right? You can’t talk to him right now, so how about you go spend some time with your samchons and Haejin, and when your Kyu appa wakes up and feels better, you can talk to him again?”

Daerim still clung to Siwon refusing to let go as he stood in front of Kyuhyun for a few moments.

“Okay baby, we have to say goodbye for now,” said Siwon.

When he began walking away, Daerim started her low whine that slowly grew into cries.

Siwon patted her back as he walked back down the hallway and towards the waiting room. The further and further away he got from Kyuhyun, the louder her cries got.

As he reached the heavy wooden doors, Leeteuk and Kangin’s heads popped up in confusion, hearing Daerim’s cries loud and clear.

Upon opening the doors, Siwon stepped out and began walking over to them.

Leeteuk immediately rose and jogged over.

“What’s going on? What happened?” he asked, almost yelling over Daerim’s cries.

“I saw him, but the doctor doesn’t want to inform me of his condition with her in the room. She didn’t want to leave but he looked….oh J-s,” Siwon sighed closing his eyes. “Hyung he looked so weak…I can’t even imagine what could possibly be wrong.”

Leeteuk put his hands to his head.

“I’m think the baby…” Siwon said weakly.

“No,” said Leeteuk firmly.

Siwon looked at him with doubtful eyes.

“Please, take her to your home. I’ll…I’ll be there as soon as I can—I just have to find out what’s happened,” said Siwon.

At this point, Kangin and Haejin had approached them as well and Kangin nodded.

Seeing as how Leeteuk seemed almost immobile, Kangin stepped forward and took the wailing Daerim from his arms.

“Take all of the time you need Siwon-ah. We’ve got her. Just focus on Kyu,” said Kangin as he patted Daerim’s back gently as she lay her head on his shoulder.

Realizing what was happening, Daerim began shrieking once again and reaching out for Siwon.

“No! Wonnie appa!” she begged stretching her fingers out to him.

“I’ll go ahead and take them home, don’t worry. She’ll be fine. You do what you have to do,” Kangin said and he took the hand of the stunned Haejin and walked the two children out of the waiting room, ignoring the stares from everyone as Daerim continued to reach out for Siwon.

“I’m a terrible father, I should have—I should have let her stay,” he said bringing his hands up to his face.

“No, you did the right thing. This has become too much for her—it’s too much for all of us,” said Leeteuk resting his hands on Siwon’s shoulders.

“I don’t think I can hear what she has to say,” said Siwon looking into Leeteuk’s eyes.

“What?” asked Leeteuk shaking his head.

“I can’t bear it…if it’s what I think…I can’t,” said Siwon softly.

“Siwon, whatever she has to say, we already know that it’s not going to be good. So don’t focus on how bad it’s going to be. You need to find the strength to face it all. And you can do that. I know you can. You’ve done it before and you'll be amazing at it now. Kyu needs you. Daerim needs you. You have to be there for them and the rest of us will be there for you, all right?”

Siwon nodded and Leeteuk pulled him into a hug.

“Let me know the moment you find out what happening, okay?”

Siwon nodded again and then Leeteuk pulled away.

With a small smile he watched as Siwon turned around and then walked beyond those double wooden doors, trying his best to keep his head high.

~**~

Siwon felt for the chair behind him, the words literally taking the strength from his body as the doctor stood before him, trying her best to explain what had happened to Kyuhyun.

“The doctors tried all they could Siwon-ssi, but your husband’s body and the fetus were not healthy, so they had to induce labor. They’re currently running more tests on his blood work, but right now, they believe he contracted some type of bacterial infection, which spread to the fetus and because it was only 20 weeks old…there wasn’t any possibility of it fighting off the illness—

The doctor paused her words as she watched Siwon curl over in the chair, holding himself as his body rocked back and forth, over come with grief.

“Do you need a moment of would you like me to keep going?” she asked softly.

“Keep going,” Siwon breathed out.

“Because of this, we had to remove the fetus. It was becoming critical. We were afraid that if we didn’t act fast, we might have risked further endangering your husband’s health,” she explained further.

 “Will he be alright?” asked Siwon finally looking up at them

“Oh yes of course,” said the doctor. “We’ve set him on a course of antibiotics and with rest and time, he’ll be fine soon enough.”

Siwon’s body relaxed some at these words.

“What’s happened to…where is our son?” he asked wearily.

“If you would like to see him, that option is available. But we can leave that to later, after Kyuhyun-ssi has woken up and you’ve had time to discuss it,” the doctor said.

Siwon nodded, already questioning whether or not this was something he wanted.

“I need to go check on Kyuhyun-ssi’s lab work, so I’ll have to leave for a while, is that alright?”

Siwon nodded, “I’d like to be alone with him.”

“Of course,” she said with a small smile and a nod.

And with that, she left the room, leaving the two men alone for the first time.

~**~

Another hour passed and Kyuhyun had slept soundly. Siwon had watched him closely for a while, but even as the fatigue and stress from the day began to take it’s greedy toll on him, he refused to sleep.

Taking Kyuhyun’s hand in his, he brought the limp limb to his mouth and kissed it repeatedly, hoping that Kyuhyun could sense it on the other side of his sleep.

But it wasn’t until Siwon thought another hour might pass before they could speak, that Kyuhyun began to finally come out of his sleep.

It was difficult and slow at first. He ached and it felt like cement had found it’s way into his limbs. Convinced moving was not an option right now, he focused on his eyelids, which he blinked open lazily. Everything in front of his eyes seemed to be clouded over and way too bright for him to handle. A frown formed on his face as he squinted, trying to overcome the harsh lights and the sudden fatigue he felt spreading over his body.

Despite the agitated stinging he felt coming from his stomach, his mind chose to focus on the warmth he felt on his right hand. Warmth and…wetness. As his mind began to slowly piece together what was happening he could see Siwon’s face coming into view and it was…crying.

“Won?” he asked softly, not sure he wasn’t still dreaming.

“Yes, baby? I’m right here,” said Siwon scooting impossible closer and holding Kyuhyun’s hand firmly within both of his.

“What are you…doing here? Why aren’t you in Bu..Busan? Why…why are you crying?” he asked slowly. Why did he feel so drowsy and tired?

Siwon lifted one of his hands and wiped at his eyes, trying in vain to dry his tears.

“Why am I here? What happened?” Kyuhyun asked becoming more and more awake and realizing where he was.

“What do you remember from this morning baby?” Siwon asked, trying to control the sadness in his voice.

“This morning? …I woke up, took a shower…dressed, dressed Daerim. And then…we needed to eat breakfast, so I took out some fruit. But then…I had this cramp…in my stomach,” said Kyuhyun and his free hand drifted to his stomach.

His eyes widened when he felt a bandage there. Looking down he moved the gown out of the way to get a better look.

“Kyu—started Siwon.

“What is this?” he asked still staring down.

“Let me get the doctor, she can explain better than me—

“No, I want to know now. What is this? Why is this here?” he asked, panic written all over his face.

“Kyu, just please, let me call the doctor baby—

“No! Tell me!” said Kyuhyun finally looking into Siwon’s eyes.

“I…I can’t,” Siwon said weakly as he brought a hand to his mouth.

“My baby…please tell me there’s nothing wrong with my baby,” Kyuhyun whispered, shaking his head as his face began to crumble.

“Kyu, you have to calm down, if you get too upset—

“I don’t care what will happen, I just want you to tell me! What did they do to me?!” he yelled.

“You're sick Kyu and th—the baby couldn’t…he just couldn’t…so…they had to take him,” breathed Siwon, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks again.

“Where, where is he?” said Kyuhyun looking around.

“He’s gone baby…he’s gone. You were only half way…it was impossible for anyone to do anything. He was too young,” said Siwon shaking his head.

“No, no,” Kyuhyun said weakly, trying to look in Siwon’s eyes. “Everything’s fine. Right? He’ll be okay. They wouldn’t let him….you wouldn’t let him…just bring him to me? Please?”

“I would love nothing more than to do that. But I can’t baby. I can’t. He was hurting and he was sick, so they had to take him. Or he would have made you sicker too—

“But…what are you talking about?! He’s our baby! And he was just right here! ” Kyuhyun cried, finally breaking down as his hands gripped his stomach again.

“I know, but he just couldn’t. He wasn’t healthy enough—

“NO! What are you talking about?! He was perfect! Everything was perfect! Why did they take him from me?! He just needed more time and he would have been fine! How could they do this?! I want to see him!” said Kyuhyun sitting up.

He cried out in pain from agitating his wound.

“Kyu, please,” said Siwon. “You have to lay back down.”

“I want my baby!” he yelled.

A nurse who was walking by stopped when she heard the commotion.

“Is everything alright here?” she asked.

“No! I want my child!” shrieked Kyuhyun trying to get up from the bed.

“Please, get his doctor, quickly!” said Siwon rising to try and keep Kyuhyun down.

The nurse nodded and left the room in a hurry in an attempt to find some assistance.

When Doctor Kim and three nurses entered the room, Siwon was using both arms to keep the hysterical Kyuhyun down on the mattress.

“I just want to see him! Please! Just bring him to me!” Kyuhyun cried.

“Kyuhyun-ssi, you have to calm down please! You’ve just had surgery, you're going to aggravate your stitches!” said the doctor as she and the nurse tried to assist Siwon.

“How could you take him from me?!” Kyuhyun asked angrily as he looked at the doctor he had known for years, who had brought his daughter into the world, as if she was the worst person in the world.

“I’m so sorry Kyuhyun-ssi, the medical team did everything they could but—

One of the nurses produced the syringe filled with the sedative they had ordered.

“Doctor, it’s ready,” she said looking at Dr. Kim.

“Okay, thank you. Siwon-ssi, we want to administer a sedative to Kyuhyun-ssi, to help him rest again so he can allow his body to heal. It’s strong enough to put him back to sleep for a couple of hours, is that all right with you?”

“Wonnie, please no, I just want to see him—that’s all. Please don’t let them give me that—I’m fine. I’m fine,” pleaded Kyuhyun as he turned to look at Siwon.

“I..I” started Siwon as he glanced between Kyuhyun’s face and the doctor. “I’m sorry baby, but you really need to rest for a while. Just for a few hours, okay? Please don’t be angry. I’ll be right here when you wake up, I promise.”

Kyuhyun swallowed hard as he looked at Siwon.

The look on his face was that of a hurt child, and it made Siwon feel like he had just been punched in the gut.

“Okay?” asked the doctor.

“Okay,” said Siwon glancing at her before releasing Kyuhyun.

Sitting back down in the chair, Siwon held Kyuhyun’s gaze as the nurse injected the sedative into his IV drip and then, once sure everything was alright, they cleared out.

Siwon’s gaze never broke until Kyuhyun’s eyelids went from blinking heavily to closed and then he covered both his own eyes with his palms.

~**~

Siwon exhaled shakily. His eyes were clouded over with tears as he gazed over at his husband. Kyuhyun was still sleeping, but stress was still somehow written all over his face. Siwon reached a timid hand out, placing it on Kyuhyun’s forehead before dragging it back, his limp and still damp hair back. Siwon envisioned all of the times he would do this same loving action, which would lead to Kyuhyun leaning into the warmth of his palm and relaxing at his touch. But now, there was nothing. Kyuhyun lay there, almost seemingly frozen, if not for the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

his lips, Siwon’s mind began to wander to thoughts of how all this could have possibly happened. What could have lead them here, and to this. Kyuhyun’s pregnancy with Daerim had been no problem, and although Siwon understood that he and Kyuhyun were much older now, he never anticipated that tragedy could strike them so hard and so swiftly. Kyuhyun had been fine…no, more than fine when he had left him, so how? How was his husband laying here now, post surgery, and with his heart broken?

As if she had been reading his mind, Doctor Kim gently knocked on the door, mindful of the fact that Kyuhyun wasn’t awake.

Siwon nodded, acknowledging her presence, only to look at Kyuhyun and then at her, silently explaining that he hadn’t yet woken up from his sedation.

“Actually, Siwon-ssi, I was hoping to speak with you,” she said softly, motioning for him to join her in the far corner of Kyuhyun’s room.

Not expecting this, Siwon  slowly stood up, looking down at Kyuhyun once more before joining her.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I realize that we didn’t have much time to talk before and I wanted to make sure that you were fully aware of what has happened,” she started.

“Yes, please, I was beginning to think no one was going to be able to give me the answers I’ve been waiting for,” said Siwon folding his arms across his chest.

“Well, first I want to be give my condolences, I’m so sorry that your family is having to go through this. But I want to clarify that there was nothing that could have been done to deter this. Along with the bacterial infection that he’s suffering from, Kyuhyun-ssi’s womb was just not able to carry this fetus to full term—

“But I don’t understand, why did this just suddenly occur? And if his womb isn’t able to handle a pregnancy, how were we able to have Daerim?” asked Siwon shaking his head in confusion.

“As I explained to Kyuhyun-ssi the first time, because of trauma from his car accident, his womb is slightly misshapen, so it could prove to be an issue when trying to conceive.”

“I’m sorry…when exactly did you explain all of this to him?” asked Siwon frowning.

“At the beginning of his first pregnancy and then again, for this second one,” said the doctor, her head tilted slightly in confusion.

“No…you couldn’t have. I don’t remember hearing anything about this,” said Siwon.

“Siwon-ssi, I can assure, I have the notes and paper work that I went over with your husband explaining the risks that he would have when trying to conceive. The odds weren’t incredibly high, but they were good enough that the chance of having a healthy pregnancy was still achievable. “

“No, no, listen, I mean no disrespect, but there’s no way that Kyuhyun wouldn’t tell me any of this. We talk about everything, especially involving our children. He wouldn’t hide this from me.”

The doctor shook her head, “I don’t know what to tell you Siwon-ssi. Your husband told me that the two of you had agreed to go ahead with the pregnancies and when I saw you join him for appointments I assumed nothing different. The pregnancy with Daerim was thankfully incredibly healthy, but it seems that with this pregnancy…I don’t know…perhaps if he didn’t get sick—

“So you're saying all of this happened because of the infection?” asked Siwon shaking his head.

“It’s difficult to completely say Siwon-ssi. With Kyuhyun-ssi’s condition, miscarriages are an unfortunate common side effect. And combined with his untimely illness…it pains me to say, that the odds for your child coming to full term were incredibly low.”
 

Siwon exhaled sharply, as his chest seemed to deflate. His hand quickly went to cover his mouth as he tried to hold back the sob caught in his throat.

“Siwon-ssi, I’m so very sorry,” said with doctor reaching out to touch his shoulder.

Siwon shook his head as he tried to regain his composure.

“No, no, I’m sorry. I’m sorry— Siwon said wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand as he swallowed the lump in his throat.

“No, no, no, please don’t apologize.”

“It’s just…how could he not tell me this?! I had no idea he had been hurt so badly  from long ago and he just…he hid it from me.  All of this time, I just…oh my god,” he breathed as he rubbed his eyes again, the stinging redness making them ache as he lost the battle to hold back the tears.

“I’m sure his main motive was to make sure that you wouldn’t worry unless need be,” offered Dr. Kim softly.

“It’s not his right to rob me of that,” said Siwon running his hands over the back of his head.

“Well, what we should all be focusing on now is making sure that Kyuhyun-ssi returns to being healthy and continues to rest so that his body can heal. That includes a tranquil mood. This…is  gonna cause a lot of feelings of grief within the both of you, so I really ask of you to be his pillar Siwon-ssi. Now more than ever,” said Dr. Kim.

The sound of sheets brushing against the bed made Siwon look up and over his shoulder.

“Baby?” he called out, frustrated that his voice made it evident he had been crying.

Kyuhyun looked over his shoulder at Siwon and Dr. Kim and then looked away.

“I’ll…give you some more time alone. If you need anything, please just ask a nurse to page me and I’ll be right over,” she said touching Siwon’s arm before walking out of the room.

“Thank you Doctor,” Siwon said with the biggest smile he could muster, which in reality barely resulted in the corners of his mouth moving.

Once Dr. Kim had left, Siwon turned to Kyuhyun.

“Kyu? Baby you’re awake?” he asked, rushing over to his bedside again.

Kyuhyun refused to look over at Siwon’s eyes, which Siwon quickly took note of.

“Baby please, tell me what’s wrong?” asked Siwon asked reaching out to Kyuhyun’s hair again.

“I heard your conversation with the doctor,” said Kyuhyun softly.

“Yes, she was just explaining to me why this happened…Kyu, she said you knew that there was a chance this could happen…but I told her there was no way. You’d never keep something like that from me, right?” Siwon asked with a soft chuckle.

Kyuhyun was quiet as he shifted.

“Right?” Siwon pressed, more serious this time.

Kyuhyun chewed on his bottom lip, still refusing to look at Siwon’s face.

“Kyu, look at me,” said Siwon touching his shoulder in an effort to get some eye contact.

But Kyuhyun only moved away from his touch.

“What?” he finally asked.

“If you knew something like this could happen…you would have told me, right?” asked Siwon, his voice firm.

“What was I supposed to say?” asked Kyuhyun finally looking at him.

Siwon sat there completely dumbfounded.

“You…you knew that your pregnancies were high-risk and you didn’t think that was something I needed to know?!” he asked when he found his voice again.

“Would it have made a difference?” asked Kyuhyun shaking his head.

Siwon’s jaw dropped.

“I can’t believe this right now…this—this isn’t you—

“Wonnie, please just let it go. I don’t want to talk about this right now,” said Kyuhyun tiredly as he leaned his head to the other side away from Siwon’s eyes.

“No, I want you to explain to me why you thought this was something that only you needed to know—these are our children! How could you not tell me it was this dangerous to them and to you?!”

“Again, what difference would it have made?! Would you never have wanted to try?! You know that if I had told you, you wouldn’t have wanted to take the risk—

“If the risk involved possibly loosing you, no I wouldn’t!” said Siwon through gritted teeth.

“Exactly! And then where would we have been?! We would have never had Daerim! Is that what you want?!”

“That’s not fair. How could you even say something like that to me? This isn’t about not wanting to have children with you. It’s about you not telling me something that would not only affect your life, but our children’s and mine! How could you make a decision like that without me?!”

“Because I didn’t want you to worry! I didn’t want you to have to carry even an ounce of the doubt that I already had! When the doctor told me that Daerim was perfectly healthy at the end of every check up I felt so relieved, like I had been holding my breath for weeks and I could finally breathe. And then when she was born healthy and I stayed healthy, I knew that we could do this again. I was so confident. But then the doctor told me that the risk might be higher this time…especially with me being older.”

“And you went ahead with it anyway?” asked Siwon solemnly.

“What else was I supposed to do? Terminate it? Would you really have supported that?” asked Kyuhyun shaking his head in disbelief.

“You know how I feel about that but you also know how I feel about you. We already have our family and if it comes down to you or our unborn child it’s always going to be you baby. You can hate me all you want for that, but I would never choose anyone over you,” said Siwon firmly.

“Well it looks like you won’t have to,” said Kyuhyun sadly as he turned his body completely away from Siwon, wincing from the tenderness he still felt in his stomach. “Don’t worry, I won’t ever do this again; not to Daerim, myself, or you.”

At these words Siwon slumped back in the chair his head tilted up towards the ceiling as he stared sadly at the fluorescent lights.

Kyuhyun’s ears twitched when he heard the soft murmuring, prompting him to glance over discreetly at Siwon. When he listened carefully, he understood.

He was praying.