Kyuhyun squinted as the light began to pour into his room. He heard the scratching of the metal chain being pulled to move the curtains back and it made him wince before hiding his face slightly in his flattened pillow.

But soon, the screeching noise stopped and the footsteps of the offending nurse made their way to his room door. He exhaled, relieved she was gone without having spoken to him. She had learned. They all had.

“Good morning Siwon-ssi,” Kyuhyun heard her small voice say before completely exiting the room.

Good morning,” Siwon said in his polite voice. Kyuhyun was glad at least one of them had retained their good nature.

His eyes still slightly closed, he smelt his husband approach before he saw him. Siwon was undoubtedly caring with him another meal that Kyuhyun had no interest in eating.

“Kyu? Yeobo?” Siwon had taken to calling Kyuhyun this, when his usual term of endearment, “baby” seemed to illicit a negative response from his husband.

Kyuhyun’s eyes slowly peeled open.

“It looks really good today,” Siwon said softly with a smile, picking up the metal chopsticks. “Here, I had some things specially ordered for the big day.”

“The big day”, Kyuhyun snorted slightly at this. It wasn’t that Siwon was wrong, it’s just that Kyuhyun personally didn’t see it as any different than the others. Nevertheless, it was finally time to leave the hospital. Kyuhyun’s infection had been treated, but his body still remained weak from the battle.

And throughout his entire stay, Siwon had never left his side, but it proved to be of little comfort to Kyuhyun, as he had taken to barely speaking to anyone in the last few days.

Siwon held up a bit of beef to Kyuhyun, who promptly shook his head.

“Yeobo, please. Just a few bites, that’s all. You have to keep your strength up…please?” Siwon begged.

Siwon hated that he had to result to this. But whatever it took to keep Kyuhyun healthy at this point, was deemed necessary. Because Kyuhyun had essentially blacklisted the entire medical team, Siwon had taken it upon himself to do the basics for his husband; and feeding was among one of the hardest.

From Kyuhyun’s perspective, he had eaten before ‘for the nourishment of their child. What reason did he have now?’

In the few moments here and there that he chose to speak, something of that nature is usually what would come out of Kyuhyun’s mouth and Siwon always felt like he’d been doused with ice water. But he’d already lost his son. He wasn’t going to lose the love of his life too.

Seeing the look on Siwon’s face, Kyuhyun sat up in bed and then leaned forward to take the bite of food that Siwon was offering him.

“I talked to your mother earlier. She said Daerim is so excited to see you. I mean, everyone is, but she’s been asking about you constantly.”

Kyuhyun nodded, a hint of a smile on his face. Because of the depression he had fallen into, Siwon had thought it best that Daerim not visit Kyuhyun anymore after that first day.

“And…I’m not supposed to tell you this,” said Siwon in a whisper, although they were alone. “But there might be a small surprise waiting for you as well.”

Kyuhyun cocked an eyebrow.

“A surprise?” he asked, his voice slightly rough.

“Yes, which you’ll find out all about when we finally get back home. Your mother told me that Daerim planned everything—

There was a knock at the door.

“Kyuhyun-ssi, are you ready to prepare for your discharge?” asked a young nurse. It was obvious that she was nervous to disturb them, from previous times.

“He’s just having breakfast now. Give us just a little more time?” Siwon stepped in quickly.

The nurse nodded and quickly left them.

“I’m not hungry Won,” said Kyuhyun shaking his head as he looked down.

“Just a few more bites. For me. And then I promise, no more hospital food. You’ll just have to suffer through my cooking,” Siwon chuckled.

Kyuhyun smiled at his corny joke and Siwon felt like he had won a medal.

“I’m so happy that we’ll finally be back around our family, our friends, and our little apartment, so we can start our life again. Aren’t you Kyu?” asked Siwon feeding Kyuhyun another bite.

Kyuhyun nodded slowly.

“How’s the beef?” asked Siwon, trying to keep the conversation steady.

“It’s not so bad,” said Kyuhyun honestly.

“Oh good, since you’ve been eating so much seafood lately, I was worried you’d lost the taste for it,” said Siwon absentmindedly.

“You’re right. I’ve been have cravings for fish and crab so much in the last few weeks, I…” Kyuhyun drifted off, his mind taking him back to the source of those cravings.

Siwon paused as well, his eyes meeting Kyuhyun’s, and he instantly knew that they had stumbled upon a landmine.

Kyuhyun’s hands gripped the sheets beside him as he looked down. After a few moments his left hand moved to rest across his stomach.

“I wonder…I wonder if he would have…if he would have loved seafood like me? You know Daerim hates it so much…maybe he would’ve been different,” Kyuhyun said with a sad laugh, his breathing increasing as he felt the tears forming.

Siwon put the chopsticks he was holding down and moved the table out of the way. Kyuhyun had released only one heavy sob before Siwon had embraced him. Burying his face in Siwon’s shoulder, Kyuhyun released the sorrow that had surfaced within him.

“It just hurts, not knowing…we’ll never know anything about him!” he sobbed.

Siwon was in a hard place and he knew it. Although he felt the same pain, he knew he couldn’t give into the tears he had bottled up inside, at least not here, and definitely not in front of his husband who needed him to be the strong one. But he also knew that if he remained too stoic, Kyuhyun would feel betrayed, assuming he was the only one who was affected by the loss.

“I know Kyu, I know. Dear G-d,  I know,” Siwon said softly as he held Kyuhyun gently, but close to him.

“We were so close to having him,” Kyuhyun mumbled out slowly. “And we would have known everything about him.”

Siwon could feel himself coming close to tears and he was trying so hard to suppress them that it physically hurt him, deep in his chest.

“I think you’re right though yeobo,” he finally said kissing the top of Kyuhyun’s head.

“Why?” asked Kyuhyun softly.

“Do you remember how many strawberries you ate with Daerim? I swear you started to turn pink from the pounds of them you ate,” Siwon chuckled softly.

Remembering himself, Kyuhyun softly smiled.

“I mean, daily I would have to buy one of those huge containers, remember? And by evening you were asking for more,” Siwon laughed again.

This time Kyuhyun let out a laugh as well.

“And that one night, when I couldn’t find any at the market so I bought you strawberry juice, jam, cookies, and that huge cake because I was scared to come home empty handed. But you still asked me to take you all the way out to the countryside because you’d called that farm and they were holding them for you?” Siwon laughed, his eyes disappearing as he buried his chuckles in Kyuhyun’s hair.

Kyuhyun himself was laughing now as he wiped at red eyes.

“So I think that’s something we do know. With the amount of squid, crab, and fish you’ve been eating lately, there’s no doubt in my mind he would have been just like his Kyu Appa,” said Siwon kissing Kyuhyun’s hair before hugging him a little tighter.

“Thank you Wonnie,” Kyuhyun mumbled a few moments later.

“Always,” said Siwon softly.

After negotiating three final bites, Kyuhyun refused anymore, but Siwon was satisfied. After breakfast, the nurses and Kyuhyun’s doctor came in to discuss the final evaluation of Kyuhyun’s condition and to answer any questions they might have. Siwon asked plenty of questions about what they could expect to happen and what was necessary for them to do now.

Kyuhyun simply sat on the edge of the bed, and stared out of the window.

Even now, as he was being wheeled down the long hallway from his room to the front desk to be discharged, he remained mute, seemingly deep in thought.

Upon reaching the desk, Kyuhyun jerked slightly in his seat from the sudden stop Siwon made so that he could sign the paperwork needed to be discharged.

“Okay then, I believe this everything,” said the nurse softly as she handed a small paper bag of Kyuhyun’s belongings to Siwon.

He nodded in gratitude, taking the bag with both hands.

“Is there anything else we can do for you? Kyuhyun-ssi?” asked the nurse looking down at him as he sat in the wheelchair.

Kyuhyun was slightly slumped down in the seat, his palm propping up one of his cheeks as he stared on forward, clearly not interested in responding.

His eyes were still swollen and pink rimmed and his face still remained sallow, the beginnings of a few days beard beginning to show along his jaw. His hair was also unkempt, from endless occasions of stress-ridden fingers running through it the last few days.

As Siwon’s eyes followed the nurse’s, he felt himself instantly wanting to shield his beloved from her pitying eyes. This was not his Kyuhyun. It was his shell. But if this morning had proven anything, he knew that with a bit of rest and support things would back to normal once again. Well, at least that’s what he hoped.

When the nurse heard nothing come from Kyuhyun’s lips after a few moments, she glanced back up at Siwon who quickly spoke up.

“No, thank you Ganhosanim, you’ve been very helpful this whole week. I think what’s needed now is just some time spent at home with family. We’ll, be fine,” said Siwon hanging the bag by its rope handles on the end of Kyuhyun’s wheelchair.

She nodded and then stepped back as he proceeded to push Kyuhyun away towards the front doors. He had only gone a few feet when she stopped him.

“Oh Siwon-ssi?” called the nurse.

“Yes?” asked Siwon pausing and turning to face her.

The nurse used her hand to silently beckon him over.

Siwon glanced down at Kyuhyun who was glanced back at the nurse and then at him. “I’ll…be just a second Kyu.”

When he reached the nurse she was holding a file in her hands.

“I’m so sorry Siwon-ssi, I forgot to include this,” she said in a slightly hushed voice.

Siwon took the folder and opened it. There was an assortment of different papers and pamphlets on depression and methods on how to cope with miscarriages, local support groups, and lists of psychiatrists that worked at the hospitals; all things that the doctors had discussed with the both of them in the days leading up to now.

“Oh yes, thank you,” he said with a nod, quickly looking through it.

“Kyuhyun-ssi’s doctor just wanted me to remind you that the physical and emotional side effects that he’s going to go through are going to be at times, really severe. So they would like to you please consider taking advantage of the services the hospital offers,” said the nurse as Siwon closed the file.

“Thank you Ganhosanim, if it becomes necessary, we’ll look into it,” said Siwon with a nod and he was about to walk away when she reached out and gently touched his arm, stopping him again.

Siwon paused and looked at her questionably.

“Siwon-ssi, wait…I-I apologize if you think I’m overstepping any boundaries, but I just really want to urge you to consider these options. I know that your husband wasn’t…too accepting of the idea of talking to a psychiatrist. But the thing is…my sister went through the same experience that you all are having now. And speaking to someone who was removed from the situation….it really helped her when everything else failed.”

Letting the words sink in a bit, Siwon looked at the nurse with a gentle smile and then over at Kyuhyun. “I thank you, again for all your help. And as I said, if it comes to it…without a doubt I’ll do everything in my power to make sure he gets the help he needs. But I know my husband. He’s strong. He can get through this—we can get through this, together.”

As this conversation was happening, Kyuhyun still sat in the stiff wheelchair, watching as people came in and out. Most of the people he paid no mind to, as they were individuals or elderly couples, or the occasional family. But as the sliding doors opened once more, he heard something he wasn’t expecting.

The cries came before he saw them. But it didn’t take very long for the source of them to appear. Within moments he saw the young mother and father walking into the hospital, with a small bundle emitting those powerful baby cries and helpless whimpers. As the couple slowly walked past him, he could see them trying to comfort their baby, clearly still inexperienced in how to quickly soothe.

Kyuhyun watched on with sad eyes. Eyes that he didn’t know were watering until he breathed in, only to hear himself sniffle.

He didn’t know what was coming over him.

That’s what his life had been like the last few days. Some trigger, sending him overwhelming pangs of grief, which would lead to him blowing up at some people and ignoring others, followed soon after by regret and teary apologies.

He didn’t know how to handle what he was going through because he had never felt a pain like this before. It was as if his entire body felt both numb and tingling with emotion all at once.

The feeling had come slowly at first, but now suddenly, a tightness gripped his chest and stomach as his eyes began to cloud over with tears yet again.

At first, he couldn’t figure out why just hearing a baby cry had set him off. But then, it struck him.

The last time he had been here, staring at these doors, he was holding a few days old Daerim in his arms, and the cold winter air had been hitting him in the face.  Everything had been so new and terrifyingly beautiful as he and Siwon left this place with their own little piece of themselves bundled up so tightly, you could just barely see her face. He remembered the nervousness that had consumed him, but every time he had looked down to steal a peek at her sleeping face, he had felt a type love that he had never known before.

Now though, they were leaving empty handed, and as the doors opened, the heavy and sticky summer air felt like a heavy hand that was suffocating him more and more with each breath he took.

He had to get out of here.

Slowly standing up from the wheelchair, Kyuhyun tried to steady himself, as his limbs still felt a bit weak.

Seeing this happen from the corner of his eye, Siwon quickly excused himself from the nurse and ran over.

“Kyu, Kyu, what’s wrong, where are you going?” asked Siwon putting his hands on Kyuhyun’s waist to help him balance.

“ I don’t know…I just…I feel sick all of a sudden,” Kyuhyun mumbled shaking his head softly.

“Sick? Do you need me to get the nurse?” asked Siwon quickly taking a glance behind him.

“No, no,” said Kyuhyun softly, closing his eyes as he shook his head, which only made more tears start to come down from his eyes. “Never mind. It’s nothing.”

“Kyu, you're crying, don’t tell me it’s nothing. Are you in pain? Where does it hurt—please just let me get a doctor. Here sit back down and— said Siwon, trying to help Kyuhyun sit back down in the chair.

“No!” snapped Kyuhyun as he gripped onto Siwon harshly, wincing from the painful stretch. “I’m fine…can we go home…please?”

Siwon looked back at the nurse who was looking on curiously, waiting for a sign that she was needed. But hearing Kyuhyun’s words, Siwon waved her away.

Instead, Siwon used two of his fingers to move Kyuhyun’s face towards him so their eyes could meet.

Refusing to look at him, Kyuhyun instead used his thumbs and fingers to try and catch the tears that were falling in fat drops down his cheeks.

“Baby—“ Siwon instantly regretted the word when he saw Kyuhyun’s shoulders slump even more.

Looking around, Siwon saw that there was no one sitting on an aisle of benches off to the side, so he led Kyuhyun over to them and they both sat down.

“Kyu,” Siwon turning towards him and placing his hands on one of Kyuhyun’s thighs. “Listen to me…you’ve only been here for a week. No one is expecting you to…if you need more time, we can take more time.”

Kyuhyun was silent, save for the occasional sniffle. He didn’t know how to answer. Truthfully, he wasn’t ready to go back to their lives. He didn’t know how to. But staying here at the hospital also wasn’t an option, he knew that for his sanity they needed to leave, and now.

“…I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want to go home,” said Kyuhyun as he finally looked at Siwon’s eyes.

“Okay. Let’s go home,” said Siwon with a nod and he helped Kyuhyun walk out, ignoring his minor protests at being able to do it on his own.