In the weeks that followed, the little family tried to regain some form of normalcy in their lives. And for a while it worked. Kyuhyun put all his energy into making sure Daerim was prepared for school, being supportive when Siwon returned from long hours of work, and even trying to get back to his own work.

But after a while, the days began to pass by in a blur for him. It seemed as if his life was just becoming fragments stuck together, constantly running on loop. Packing Daerim’s school bag…the smell of Siwon’s cologne from his kisses goodbye….the beep of Daerim’s school bus…the daily call at lunch time from Siwon….Daerim’s retelling of her school day as he walked her to her academies in the afternoon…Siwon’s hugs after coming home from the office in the evening…Daerim’s baths…and Siwon’s arms snug around him as they slept.

Sometimes in between those moments, he would spend time trying to compose, flipping through scripts, or once, even a miserable attempt at recording. He’d taken an indefinite leave from the show he’d been hosting earlier in the year and despite their pleas, he had no desire to go back to it any time soon.

While the deep depression that had plagued him for weeks was lifted, he’d still find himself in these moments where he just didn’t feel like his former self. And on one morning in particular, the feeling hit him like a brick wall.

It was Saturday and Kyuhyun’s eyes blinked slowly as he watched the numbers on the clock change. It was 7 am and he knew that he was the only one awake. He knew this because he could still hear the steady breathing from Siwon and Daerim just off to the side of him.

A nasty stomach bug had been circulating around Daerim’s school and she had come home yesterday clearly suffering from it.  The situation had left her feeling very clingy, so they had allowed her to stay wedged between their sleeping bodies throughout the night.

Rolling over onto his back, Kyuhyun looked over at the two and gently smiled. Daerim was curled up into a little egg shape against Siwon’s chest. His chin rested on the top her dark hair and his arms were snug around her, keeping her safe. 

Kyuhyun was struck by how similar the two looked. It was clear to everyone who saw them that Daerim favored Siwon, with her dark hair and dimples, but it was moments like these that the similarities really stood out to him.

It was also moments like these that he thought about their son. Would this child have looked more like him? Would he have had his eyes? His lips or cheeks?

He sighed. He knew it was a dangerous way to start the day, but he couldn’t help it. There was a longing in him that felt more tangible than he’d felt in weeks.

Sitting up in bed now, he felt the two beside him shift slightly, only to continue sleeping.

Not wanting to disturb them or stay in bed any longer, he stood and left the room as quietly as he could.

Standing in the hallway, he stared at the closed bedroom door directly across from him.

It had been a long time since he’d entered this room. And although it seemed crazy to think, he hadn’t been sure he’d ever want to again. But for some reason, he felt drawn to it now, and found himself putting his hand on the doorknob.

Stepping into the center of the room, the stark emptiness overtook him. At this point, almost nothing remained from before. Boxes that contained all of the clothes, toys, and other materials had long been cleared out. The only thing that had stayed was the crib. It had originally been Daerim’s and Siwon hadn’t had the chance to put it back into storage yet.

Walking over to the crib, Kyuhyun placed his hands on the dark wood, feeling the cool smoothness on his finger tips. He gazed down at the empty mattress, the same way he had done for weeks after coming home empty handed from the hospital.

Taking a deep sigh, he tried to suppress the wave of sadness that he could feel building up inside him.

He knew there’d be days like this. Moments where all of the steps that he’d made in the direction of progress would feel as though they were in vain. Times where he’d feel like he was back at day one. But he was tired of the grief and he wanted a way to put it to rest gracefully.

Running his hands over the bar of the crib, he instead thought back to the memories he had of Daerim as a small, healthy and happy baby. How she’d stare up at him as she fought sleep. He’d felt so unbelievably happy in those days. He hadn’t known how lucky he was until now.

In those days, whenever he watched his daughter fall asleep, he slowly made up a song, just for her. Over the years, it developed into an almost nightly ritual in order to get her to fall asleep. It was a song that Daerim loved so much that he’d make sure to make a special call before bedtime whenever he wasn’t able to serenade her in person.

It was a simple song, but because it had been meant for only her, Daerim treasured it. And to Kyuhyun, it was the most appropriate gift he could give to his child as an artist.

It was in the middle of this thought that Kyuhyun gasped. That was it.

The idea struck him so hard that he didn’t know what to do first. Find a pen? A pencil? Where was the closest piece of paper?

Leaving the room, he moved fast, walking to the dining room. Except for meal time, it had become his work space and although little had come from it for the last few weeks, he could feel that was all going to change.

A few hours later

Daerim let out a big yawn as she stretched each limb of her body out.  Siwon grunted as he received both a kick and a punch from her, effectively waking him up also.

“Good morning sweetheart,” sighed rubbing his chin as Daerim looked around, having forgot her new settings.

“Sorry Wonnie appa,” she said softly when she realized what she had done.

“It’s okay. How is your tummy? Do you feel better?” he asked he said placing a hand on her stomach.

“A little,” she said as she also placed her hands there.

“Okay baby, well I want you to stay in bed then. Appa will bring you some medicine and some porridge for breakfast,” said Siwon as he sat up in bed.

Daerim nodded as Siwon stood up.

“Do you want anything else sweetheart?” he asked when he got to the door.

“Kyu appa,” she said in a small voice.

Even though she was feeling bad, Siwon smiled at the cuteness in her voice.

“Okay,” he chuckled before closing the door behind him.

Once in the hallway, he walked towards the kitchen to get started on Daerim’s breakfast. As he neared, he passed by the dining room table to see Kyuhyun furiously writing with one hand as the other knotted itself in his hair.

When he heard the footsteps stop not to far from the table, Kyuhyun looked up, surprised to see that it was Siwon standing there.

“Wonnie, hi,” he said clearing his throat as he put down his pen and sat up straight.

“Hey baby, why are you up so early?” asked Siwon shaking his head as he walked closer.

“I was just uh, nothing, just trying to get a little work done, that’ll all,” Kyuhyun said dismissively. “Why are you awake? It’s Saturday, you should sleep as long as possible.”

“Daerim woke me up,” explained Siwon.

“Oh, she’s awake? I should go check on her—

“Yes she’s asking for you. She’s still uncomfortable. I was going to heat up her juk from yesterday,” said Siwon.

“Oh, I can do that first, “ said Kyuhyun leaping up and heading towards the kitchen.

“Baby, are you okay?” asked Siwon as he watched Kyuhyun go over to the refrigerator.

“I’m fine Wonnie,” Kyuhyun said calmly as he went through the motions of preparing Daerim’s porridge.

Siwon shrugged it off and then sat down where Kyuhyun had been sitting.

“If she’s not better by tonight, I think we should take her back to the hospital,” said Siwon.

“If she gets worse, definitely. But I really think it might just have to run it’s course. Her school sent out a newsletter explaining that a lot of children were getting this bug,” Kyuhyun explained.

As he continued going on, Siwon looked at the note pad that Kyuhyun had been writing on. Picking it up, he saw that the entire page had been filled with words. After reading a few lines, he realized that they were song lyrics. Underneath that page, was another one and a half pages. There was also a small pile of crumbled sheets on the floor around the chair. Siwon looked at Kyuhyun, who’s back was to him, and then read some of the words.

It only took a few minutes for the juk to be warmed. When Siwon heard the timer of the microwave go off, he put the notepad back down and watched as Kyuhyun put the bowl of porridge onto a tray that already had a glass of warm water on it as well.

“I’m going to go feed her breakfast and we’ll see how she feels after taking some more medicine,” he said picking up the tray.

“Baby, wait a second,” said Siwon, making Kyuhyun stop as he was passing by the table.

“Yeah Won?” Kyuhyun asked expectantly.

“What’s this all about?” he asked holding up the notepad.

Kyuhyun’s eyes fell on the scribbled down words. He immediately felt embarrassed. Why had he left it there, exposed for him to read?

“…just some lyrics for a song that I was working on,” he said casually, starting to walk again.

“The words…Kyu…they’re beautiful,” he said, making Kyuhyun freeze again. “But…”

“What?” asked Kyuhyun not turning around.

“Is this for him? Is it for our son?” Siwon asked softly, his voice fading. He knew these were hard feelings that he was about to stir up for both of them, but he had to know.

Kyuhyun turned and put the tray down. He walked closer to where Siwon was standing and took the notepad from his hands.

“Yes,” he finally answered. “But I didn’t mean for anyone to read this—it was just some ideas floating around in my head for a while. When I woke up this morning, I felt ready to just get them out.”

Siwon couldn’t help the grin that formed on his face.

“That’s wonderful baby. Look, I’ll go feed Daerim her breakfast, why don’t you sit down and keep working on it then?”

Kyuhyun shook his head, “I feel better now. I did what I set out to do. I think I’ll just keep it in the box I have, with the sonograms and a few other things.”

“What…” Siwon paused. “Baby, why? You could turn this into something more.”

“Like what?”

Siwon chuckled, “Oh, I don’t know, an actual song? You could record this, it’s could be something great—

“No, no, no Wonnie, I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work,” Kyuhyun said with a small laugh as he moved back to grab the tray.

“What am I trying to do?” asked Siwon putting his hand on Kyuhyun’s arm to stop him.

“You just want me to be the person I was before all of this. You want me working again so that I don’t sit in this apartment all day, where you think I’m just constantly alone and sad. I’m so much better than I was, I promise. I just need a little more time—

“Kyu, I understand that,” said Siwon putting his hands to Kyuhyun’s face. “And you're so right, you have been doing an amazing job. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. But, baby you're a song writer and a talented artist, I just want you to take this and make it into something more beautiful, in the way that only you can. It’s what you do, and yes, I want you to work again because that is what used to make you happy.”

Kyuhyun sighed, “It’s not meant to be anything more than this Won. I wrote it because I needed a release. That’s all.”

“And I’m so glad you did. I just think it deserves more than being left in a shoebox in the back of the closet. You haven’t….you haven’t written anything in a long time…it’s been ages since I even heard you sing. I just think this could be a way for you to finally start again. I think if you were honest with yourself, you’d say the same.”

Kyuhyun bit the bottom of his lip as he put his hands to his head. He took a few deep breaths before pulling them away. When he did, Siwon could see that his eyes were misty.

“I just wanted a way to say everything I felt for him. One of the biggest pieces of guilt I felt, and still feel, was being so heartbroken over a person I never even got the chance to say hello to. Parents lose their children every day. Children that they were able to kiss and hold—

“That doesn’t make our son any less important. You're allowed to love him as much as you can. He was real and we can mourn him as such,” Siwon said as he pulled him into a hug.

Kyuhyun closed his eyes as he nodded against Siwon’s shoulder.

 “I wanted to write a song for him. Just like I’d written for Daerim. Just for him. As a way to say we love you and we’ll miss you…I hate that we never got the chance to say goodbye,” he said, trying not to let his emotions get the best of him.

Siwon nodded, completely understanding the way he felt.

“This is the most perfect way for you to do that.”

 “…do you really think it’s good?” Kyuhyun asked shyly.

“Yes, and more than that, I think you should finish it,” said Siwon as Kyuhyun pulled away and rubbed his eyes.

“For what, I would never release something this personal to the public,” said Kyuhyun shaking his head.

“Well, what about for a more intimate audience then?” asked Siwon.

“What do you mean?” asked Kyuhyun as he watched Siwon’s eyes begin to light up.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I’ve been meaning to discuss it with you. I just wasn’t sure of the right time, “ said Siwon.

Kyuhyun’s face grew puzzled as he waited to hear what Siwon was going to say next.

“These last couple months have just gone by so fast, from the accident, to the hospital, and then your recovery. There were times when I really felt like we were left on our own to process what had happened. And Daerim, our family and friends…they were even more confused, since it was so painful to share all the details of it for such a long time. And during those weeks…I felt like I’d lost you, and I wasn’t sure when or if you’d come back to me.”

It hurt Kyuhyun to remember how much he had neglected everyone in his life. But he knew that the only way to move on was to first acknowledge it.

“So I was thought, having some type of memorial for him would be a beautiful way for us to acknowledge that he was a part of our lives, even though he was taken too soon,” said Siwon. “I talked about it with my father, he said he would like us to have it at his church. It can be as small as you’d like. What do you think?”

Kyuhyun thought for a moment before nodding. “I think that’s exactly what I’ve been waiting for.”