Gi Kwang enters his apartment. He enters, kicks his shoes somewhere, drops his jacket on the couch while passing through the living room and heads to his bed. He plops down on it, back against the mattress and he looks to his left, smiling faintly, sadly.

“You should’ve punched me, silly boy.” He whispered to no one, just to the framed poster on his wall. He closed his eyes, a hand covering them, and he gritted his teeth. Why did he accept – he still had no idea. Maybe he wanted to be next to Dongwoon, to see him again, to… no; he could not fix what he did three years ago. It was too late, wasn’t it? He wanted to cry; no not now, since he was already crying silently, gritting his teeth; he wanted to cry then, when he saw Dongwoon, he wanted to cry and apologize and beg him for forgiveness. He wanted to beg him to forgive him and he would’ve perished again from his life, like the younger did three years ago – this time Gi Kwang was going to do it. Because he did not deserve seeing the boy, yet he forced it on him.

His phone buzzed and he took it out from his pocket, reading the message he received.

From: Yo-Yo

I’m here for you,
you know, right?

Yea, he knew. He knew Yoseob was next to him, he knew Hyunseung too was next to him, even though he was going to receive a text from him too with almost the same words. He knew it and he didn’t deserve it. They were always next to him, always supporting him, always being there for him, comforting him, babying him, taking care of him. He wanted to be there for them too, and he was there for them when they needed him, but it was not enough. The times they were next to him were way more than the times he was next to them. And compared to his problems, theirs were small… Maybe for them they were big, but for him they were small, so he felt like he was failing as a friend, always burdening them with his problems, that were bigger than theirs... After his brother’s death they were next to him and supporting him for so long; even though he changed, he grew distant, he became what he was not – they were there, supporting him, accepting him, helping him, letting him be himself near them. They kept his secret, they helped him with his dance videos, and Yoseob even wrote a song they could sing together, because he was sure Gi Kwang can become an artist, even if Yoseob’s voice was better and even if that was the blond’s second dream, but kids were his biggest weakness, so he choose the path of being a poor-kindergarten-teacher. But Gi Kwang wanted only to dance, to lose his mind in the rhythm and to feel free from everything. He hated the idea of being chained, to do and dance what he was told to, so that’s why he refused every offer for him to become an idol after he revealed who he was in his YouTube channel.

So instead of worrying them more, after he entered high school, he became even more carefree. Or he appeared being so. They probably knew he only acted it, they could read him like an open book, but he refused to tell them, to show them. So he smiled, he acted like it was ok, and when they were not around he would space out, he would sulk, he would even cry. The only witness to his real mood was him mother, who was so kind to keep it from his dear friends.

He still remembers that after their movies night that night three years ago, after Yoseob and Hyunseung went home, his mother saw him curled up in bed, crying. He told her everything then, he apologized for being such a bad person, for playing with someone else’s feelings, he sobbed even harder when she hugged him and told him that he was not a bad person, even though he played with Dongwoon’s feelings and even though he refused to accept it she repeated it again and again and told him that if he was crying for what he did, he shouldn’t have done it and that he hurt not only Dongwoon but himself as well… and she was right. But at that time he thought it was for the best. How would have Dongwoon trusted him after he knew the truth? The truth that he lied to him; that after he became AJ he grew distant from him as Gi Kwang, and he knew he was at fault. If he had approached him as Gi Kwang they could’ve became close, like Yoseob and Doojoon did, or even Hyunseung and Junhyung, and later he would’ve told him everything, but no… he was scared. Why would the cool, handsome, smart Dongwoon like the nerdy, naïve and plain Gi Kwang? Even if Dongwoon was feared by from the whole school, no one would argue about the boy being handsome, cool and smart. And they feared him for no reason, since the boy was sweet and nice and smiley and… And Lee Gi Kwang was an idiot.

The boy got off from his bed, changed to a T-shirt and sweatpants and then went back to bed, covering his body with the cover, which was over his head, curled up and again gritting his teeth. He was all alone in the apartment and he could cry aloud, but he hated the sound of his sobs echoing in the apartment. He rolled around after hearing his phone buzz again and checked for whom texted him. It was Hyunseung… almost the same message as Yoseob. He texted them both, saying he was ok and he knew, and right before he put his phone back where it was, he opened it to text someone else.

To: DayDay-hyung

No need to replace me
tomorrow. I will lead
my lessons ^^ Y. n H.
went to their love nests.

Then he put his phone back and went to sleep. He had to sleep, even if his tears were dripping he had to, because he had to work tomorrow, to start thinking about the choreography for Dongwoon’s dance and to assure Yoseob and Hyunseung and everyone else he was fine, even if he wasn’t. He owned it to them, for everything they went through with him.

In the morning Gi Kwang went out of his apartment without even having breakfast. He took just a shower and a glass of water. He strode down the streets, he didn’t have a driving license, no matter what people told him he hated driving and preferred walking, so he walked down the road to the dance studio. It took him only 40 minutes to get there. He stopped in front of the building, looked up, then looked at the glass door, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and when he opened them he was smiling. Nothing went wrong yesterday; he was not hurt; his heart was still beating, not hurting. Or so he appeared to be. He entered and when he reached the reception he smiled charmingly at the girl behind, and then leaned on the desk.

“Hyorin-ah~ good morning!” he had his usual sunshine smile that turned his eyes into crescents his goofy, but cute laugh, he knew people loved. And he looked full of energy.

“Oppa, why are you here? I though you got the day free.” She smiled up at him and leaned in to pinch his cheeks. He actually hated it, but she thought he was cute and it made her happy treating him like her younger brother so he let her do it.

“Change of plans.” He answered, still keeping his smile. “Oh, by the way I’m going to do someone’s choreography, so my lessons may not be so regular. But I’ll talk with hyung if he can replace me. Also I will need a studio today for about an hour, is there a free one?” he knew the girl wanted to interrogate him about who’s choreography he was going to do, but instead she started looking trough the computer, searching for a free studio.

“There is one after your 3^rd lesson. And since you’ll be free for an hour you can use that one. It’s studio number 5.” She looked up and smiled, her eyes a little narrowing. “Who’s choreography?”

“You’ll see later.” He smirked and dashed away, before she could shout at him.

Gi Kwang still didn’t have money for his own studio, so he was glad the dance academy he worked for allowed him to use their free ones, when he had to do someone’s choreography. You can say the owner was one really understanding man, plus he earned this way too, since a little percent from the earned from Gi Kwang went to the academy. He went to the studio he usually had his lessons and opened the door to find his students there. When everyone saw him they cheered and dashed to him asking him why was he there.

“Don’t you want me? I can go home!” exclaimed the dancer and he received a major ‘no, stay!’ from the kids around him. He smiled at them before his expression became stiff and then clasped his hands. “The lesson is staring. Take your places!”

You would usually say he was one goofy, smiley, nice and easy to push teacher, but it was the opposite: he was really stern and when he felt like he had to yell at someone he did it, he didn’t even hide it when he was disappointed, but despite that all his students loved him. Maybe because they were seeing his other side when they had breaks or when he was sending them out. Either way he never had a student yell back at him or hit him (some of the other teachers had that experience) so he was glad.

He went to the front and looked everyone trough the mirror… Okay, they loved him, they never talked back, they listened to him, but soon Lee Gi Kwang was going to teach a student who hated him with all his heart and he had no idea if he was not going to end without a bruise or two from it… Maybe he was overrating… Dongwoon was an idol, but… Well, he expected everything. And he was not going to complain.

* * *

(this author note is so freaking long... dun read if you don't want to >.<)

The next day after I wrote this I watched B2ST’s performances in Brazil [or the ones that were uploaded] and watching ‘Special’ broke my heart… From time to time they were showing Gi Kwang out of the stage, sitting on a chair and he looked like he would cry any minute now, but he kept it strong and when he was on stage for ‘You’ he smiled, there was this face of ‘ah, I can do more, I want to be with the others and dance’ but he still smiled and when Yoseob and Dongwoon went to him he had his full bloomed smile, the one with the crescent eyes and two rows of white teeth that makes you smile too. And then I opened to document to write my author note… I usually write them when I post the chapter, thinking back on what the hell did I have in mind when writing, but I guess this time it will be kind of fresh. So after I watched ‘Special’ in my mind popped up “what did I write? I don’t want to see him like that… I don’t want to see any of them like that! Why am I writing it like this?!” … but then I remembered that I’m writing this for the story, I’m hurting them so it could be more thrilling while reading and… I actually hate it. I guess I will keep it up for awhile, since I can’t just bring them back together in the next chapter, but I still hate it… Bringing them sorrow and what-not and when I think about it… Who would wish something like that to whoever it is? … But life is not all sunshine and smiles and flowers and I want when someone reads my stories they to be interested in reading and thinking ‘oh, what will happen now?’, so I write this way…. Oh, my never-ending author notes, bored, right? … The reason I actually wrote the chapter like this is because I don’t want Gi Kwang to stay misunderstood. He’s hurting too in his own way, doing his best to keep it to himself. And although it’s best for people to share, sometimes they want to keep it inside.

On more resent note… This chapter is my baby in the story and I’m sorry for the author note… I know it’s long… anyway this is it from me for this week. Oh… one more thing is if I pull myself together I will be able to update more often, since I dropped out of university… Yea, it was something I hated and all and… well I dropped out. I just have to go get my documents and I will be free from it. Wish me luck with figuring the next chapters ^^