Chaerin. She was all I could think of. How could she leave a big impact on me like that? I first wondered if she was in a relationship… Haru never spoke about her father actually. But she still could have a boyfriend. Really Jiyong shut up, you couldn’t be the first man to be attracted by her, of course she was in a very strong relationship! I sighed. It had been two days since I saw her but I was getting more and more worried to see her later on.

I tapped my pen against the clean, crisp white surface of my notebook. I couldn’t even concentrate on my work! I’ve been on the sofa all day thinking about new lyrics but I just couldn’t find the right words. But I really had to move on this.

I finally let out a desperate groan throwing the notebook next to me in defeat. I stuck my pen behind my ear and I grabbed my guitar and began to play a fast beat, something quick paced and rough to project my annoyance and frustration.

Suddenly, the door slammed open and Seungri entered in a storm holding a sachet in his hands. It was the end of the day, he was back from work.

“Hyung, I bought delicious croissants on my way! Don’t they smell good?” Seungri grinned at me playfully

I knew this grin. It was Wednesday. Every Wednesday, Seungri would rush to the little bakery in our street after his work. This grin only meant he saw the pretty waitress he had been stalking for months. He actually didn’t give a about the croissants, it was just an excuse to see his crush. And seeing how delighted he looked I could tell he succeeded this time flirting with her. After thousands and thousands fails.

“Seungri,” I frowned looking up at him, “I’m trying to work, could you please…”

“Work hours are over hyung” Seungri insisted, “It’s croissants’ time!” he dropped his keys on the kitchen table

Was he trying to get me fat with his croissants? It was the same every Wednesday!

“Nah, I didn’t write any songs today. And YG wants them at the end of the week. Make the count.” I explained irritated as I wrote some random words on my notebook.

Seungri sighed but swiftly he reached over me and snapped my notebook from my hands, yanking It away from me and hide it behind his back laughing. Wow Seungri was usually annoying but today he seemed to be on ecstasy!  Did he succeed asking her out too?

“Hyung, eat the croissants. You’re hurting my feelings, I went out and bought them just for you.” He pouted mockingly as he opened the refrigerator looking for beers

“Seungri, you didn’t buy them for me but for the pretty eyes of your waitress! So shut up!” I ordered becoming angry

“I don’t know what you’re talking about hyung…” Seungri shrugged pretending being innocent

“You asked her out and she said yes, am I right?” I raised my eyebrow

“No, not exactly. She just…” he sighed, “Smiled at me today! She smiled at me Hyung!” Seungri exclaimed his eyes full of stars like an idiotic romantic

I rolled my eyes. This guy was just a lost case.

“By the way, I also met our neighbor…” he added crawling next to me and handed me a can

“Chaerin?” the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I had no option but to wait for an answer. It was hard to keep her from popping into my mind.

“Hum, no. His name is Bob.”Seungri began slowly “Wait, does it mean you met someone too? Someone more interesting than Bob?” he grinned finally understanding

“Yeah, kinda.” I stuttered blushing

“Omo, you naughty boy! And you didn’t tell me!” he nudged me with his elbow

“Naughty boy? Don’t misunderstand, nothing happened between us. I just talked with her.” I took a sip from my beer

“Is she your type?” the curiosity was seeping through his words

“She is blond. Fiercy. And gorgeous. And you should see her eyes! She shouted at me because I had her daughter in my arms and…” I started before being cut off by his quick tongue

“Wow wow, hold on a sec.” Seungri suddenly stood up gesturing, “You’re falling for… a cougar?” he looked at me as if I was a fool

“Wait no!” I nearly choked on my drink, “She’s three years younger than me. There’s nothing dirty you idiot!”

“Oh, good. But she must be married if she has a daughter.” Seungri stated. Of course I knew that. Thank you to remind it to me!

“Yeah, that’s why I’m not going to see her again. Anyway, she deserves better than me.” I mumbled grumpy

“I’m so sorry hyung. Eat the croissants then!” Seungri flung the packet at me before he reached the door as someone had knocked three times.

“Maybe it’s your crush hyung!” Seungri joked

“I wouldn’t bet on it…” I sighed depressed as I took a croissant taking a bite. After all, croissants weren’t so bad when you were down in the dumps.

But as Seungri opened the door, I heard Gaho barking loudly and some quick steps coming in the living room.

“Yong-Yong!” before I had any chance to answer, I was assaulted by a surprisingly strong four year old. She jumped on the sofa next to me and hugged my chest tightly, not having any intentions of letting go.

“Ha-Haru?” I exclaimed as I straightened a bit

“What I would give to be hugged that way…” I heard Seungri sighing in the doorway

I rolled my eyes.

“The man at the door scared me!!!” Haru hide her face deep in my chest

“What?” I patted her head and looked up at my roommate, “Seungri, what did you tell her?”

“Nothing, I just asked her if her mother was the hot and y woman you met.” He shrugged again innocently

“It’s not a way to speak to a child Seungri! You idiot! She’ll think you’re a ’!” I scolded him. If Haru wasn’t here I would certainly have been harder with him but I just watched my language. Well, I tried.

I placed my hands over her ears and mouthed to Seungri, “You’re a dickhead Seungri!”

“You…” He tried to reply but by the time he opened his mouth I’d moved my hands and Haru was looking at him, “Nevermind!” he grumbled turning around in the kitchen.

“I wanted you to play music for me again Yong-Yong. But my mommy didn’t want…” Haru sighed as she sat on my laps. I brushed her hair lightly with my right hand.

“By the way, where’s your mother? You should be with her, shouldn’t you?” I suddenly frowned realizing I may be in trouble

“Yes. She’s sleeping. But I just left.” Haru simply replied tilting her head

“You left without telling your mother? Haru, you know it’s bad!” my eyes widened.

“But I missed you and Gaho!” the little girl pouted playing with one of my rings on my left hand, “I want to stay! Please?” she pleaded in a plaintive voice. She batted her stunning eyes like a pro and her lips pouted out just enough to be convincingly genuine.

I sighed, “Well, I guess you can stay five minutes. But not a minute more or your mother will kill us!”

~

“Sweetie?” I scanned the living room where I’d seen Haru for the last time but nowhere did I find my daughter.

I came late this evening because my boss wanted me to do the inventory of the café tonight. As if he couldn’t find an other moment for that, huh! I thought he hated me. As did I.

Anyway, I crawled on the sofa as soon I arrived at the apartment exhausted. I didn’t even had the strength to do anything else. Haru was occupied playing with her toys on the carpet so I thought nothing could happen if I was taking a little nap. I really needed it and it was so tempting as my eyes were slowly closing.

I dozed five or ten minutes but when I woke up, there were no signs of Haru. I called her name as I reached her bedroom but it was empty.

“Haru? Come on don’t play hide and seek with mommy!” I called her again loud enough that she would know it was not time to play games and she had to come out. Haru was four years old and very imaginative when she had to find place to hide. Even in our small apartment. But today I wasn’t in the mood to play. I had a hard day at work and I just wanted to relax. Sometimes I really wished I wasn’t single and someone else could take care of Haru when I was too tired. But it wasn’t the case. She was my responsibility.

Haru wasn’t appearing and with every second that passed my panic rose. I’d searched every last corner of the apartment and I was entirely sure that I was alone. , don’t tell me I forget to lock the door!

I ran to the front door to find it half opened. I froze. My mind was falling apart, my fear rising along with my desperation. If Haru had left the apartment, then every second I spend looking for her was one more step for her to take, further and further away from me. Damn, what was going on with her? I had always taught her to never wander off! I suddenly felt dizzy and the world was spinning dangerously around me.

I was almost fainting when I saw a small piece of paper posed on the floor just in front of the door. I kneeled feebly and saw that haru drew something on it which was supposed to be a boy. I smiled weakly. Haru’s draw was really abstract as always, it wasn’t realistic as the boy’s arms were longer that the legs and his head was a circle with little blue lines symbolizing the hair. Who would have blue hair in the reality, really?

“Omo!” My eyes widened as I suddenly realized the boy Haru had drawn may not be part of her imagination after all. I dropped the piece of paper and I rushed to the stairs looking for the blue hair guy’s apartment.

Haru had counted me her little escapade with him in every details. How he found her in the park. How she played with his dog. His bad cooking. His guitar. It seemed she had a great time with this stranger. It was weird as Haru didn’t usually trust people she didn’t know. Even some of my friends couldn’t approach her. I was jealous. It wasn’t I hadn’t times with my daughter, that was something without price but because of my work I knew I wasn’t as close to her as I would wish.

“Misses Lee! Where’s my rent?” I ran into the proprietor in the stairs

“Tomorrow Mr. Gong!!!” I called hurrying back down the stairs. It wasn’t the moment for that!

I knocked at the door maybe a bit too strongly that I had expected as it trembled. I didn’t care, I would use my good manners another time. But no one was coming. I was really hesitating between calling the police and crashing the door. I bit my lower lip trying to contain my impatience. Then a man I didn’t know with dark short hair opened the door obliviously surprised to see me.

“Excuse, me but is it Kwon Jiyong’s apartment?” I asked trying to catch my breath

“The cougar!” the man suddenly exclaimed looking at me with big eyes

“Pardon me?” I raised my eyebrow and put my hands on my hips

“O-Oh sorry. Jiyong’s here but you know I’m way better than him.” He started bragging about himself, “You kna I’m working at Seoul’s Stock Exchange as a trader and…”

I didn’t continue to listen to this man as I pushed him aside and rushed in the apartment. I didn’t have time for that either. Moreover, I could hear some music and the laughs of my daughter coming from the living room. But when I entered the place I get horrified by what I saw.

“How is this my child…” I stood there staring at my screaming daughter dancing on a low table to BigBang’s Fantastic Baby mv which was on tv. The dog was also jumping with her and barking wildly. The living room was a total mess as there were beer cans, sodas cans and ice cream cups landing on the floor.

And the man Haru called Yong-Yong was there with a goofy smile on his face as he was dancing with her too. Although he was wearing black Givenchy sweatpants and a v-neck white shirt and his hair was in dismay, he must have been one of the most attractive men I had ever seen. He wasn’t a pretty looking man with perfect features and a muscled body but from looking at him, I couldn’t help feel an attraction to the way the corner of his lips was quirking upwards while smiling. To my surprise his hair was not blue anymore but blond. I really wondered why he changed. But it looked good on him. Then he turned around and saw me. His smile quickly turned into an expression of total horror.

“Haru!” I finally called my daughter and came up quickly lifting her up in my arms. I could feel myself shaking, and I hoped Haru wouldn’t notice. “I’ve told you. Never leave the apartment without me!”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled grasping onto me, “I was only playing with Yong-Yong!”

I turned around glaring at the said ‘Yong-Yong’ who didn’t look proud of himself.

“I want you to stop seeing my daughter!” I ordered him, “You’re a stranger and you have a bad influence on her!”

The guy frowned, “It’s not my fault if she came by herself. I couldn’t leave her outside!” he stated mockingly

“So what you’re saying is that I can’t watch over my own daughter?” I spat out as I took a step closer, my jaw clenched.

“It’s just that it’s the second time it happens and the second time I look after her. Just saying.” He shrugged his shoulders smirking

 “You let my child eat ice creams and other unhealthy things while you were drinking beer, is it what you call ‘looking after’ right?” I laughed the sarcastic sneer prominent in my raised voice, “I should call the police to tell them you keep kidnapping my child!” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“And then I would tell them you abandoned Haru!” he snapped back mimicking my movement. He also crossed his arms across his chest in an angry way.

I looked at him incredulously. Such a jerk! Before I gave into my homicidal urges, Haru took the opportunity to make the situation even more difficult as she declared,

“Mommy, I want to stay with daddy!”

...

..

.

“Daddy?!” Jiyong and I both asked in disbelief totally stunned

Did that really just happen? She called this arrogant man daddy?

“And you told my daughter to call you daddy?” I gave Jiyong my most threatening glare to intimidate him. It worked.

“What? No, I never heard her calling me that!” he replied weakly raising his hands in the air to protest

“Mommy, I want Yong-Yong to be my daddy.” Haru added in my arms as she was pouted

“Sweetie, Mr. Kwon is our neighbor. He can’t be your daddy!” I smiled to her visibly uneasy to try to make her see reason.

“Why?” Haru frowned as if it wasn’t clear enough

But it was clear for me. This guy would never be her daddy because he would never become my boyfriend!

But before I could answer her I heard Jiyong mumbling, “Because mommy is selfish and prude”

I had a rush of anger all of sudden and it took me all my strength and sanity not to jump on him but I pretended I didn’t hear. I was tired of this entire little scene.

“Let’s go Haru...” I retorted after collecting myself

~

“I want you to stop seeing Mr. Kwon Haru, and this time I’m serious!” I said firmly as I locked the door of our apartment

“Why do you hate Yong-Yong?” Haru pouted

“I don’t hate Mr. Kwon. He’s just a stranger Haru and you know what I told you about strangers, right?” I put my hands on my hips

“But he is not a stranger for me!” she protested

“He is for me. Anyway, I think it’s time for bed.” I sighed

“But you need a boyfriend mommy and then he would be my daddy right?” Haru tilted her head before she hurried to her room.

“Who told you things like that Haru?” I exclaimed following her

“I heard Dara unni saying you needed a boyfriend.” Haru was sitting on her bed

Dara unni… You owed me!

“You know it’s not that simple sweetie…” I sat next to her, “A girl and a boy have to love each other to date, you understand that. And love is not something you can control.”  I said as I moved the hair out of her eyes

“You loved my real daddy?” she asked quietly and I held her close, closing my eyes. I sat her on my laps.

“Yes of course…” I smiled to her sadly

“Then why did he leave us?”

I couldn’t tell her why. Because she was the reason.

“He loved you,” I lied as I felt my tears forming in my eyes

“I miss him.” Haru sighed and I felt my heart split right down the middle.

If she only knew her father never thought about her in his selfish life. If she only knew he never cared about her even a minute… She wouldn’t miss him. But I couldn’t tell her.  It would break her heart and I would be the selfish one in the story.

I ended up lying down with her, holding her close to myself where she could feel warm and secure and maybe also where I could know for sure that she was there, and that I had not actually lost her.

How Jiyong dared winning Haru’s trust and love? I was her favorite person, not him!

I had never loved anyone the way that I loved her. This was my child, this one little person who had loved me unconditionally from the first day she was born. She was so much sweeter and kinder than I couldn’t ever get angry at her. Outside our home, I wouldn’t find many people who would consider me with so much love. I hadn’t found this strong love in any man I met after she was born. Even her father didn’t love me that way. But I didn’t need him or any other man as long I had Haru with me. I couldn’t lose her. After all we cross together, it was unimaginable. Without her I was nothing.

I rested there, holding the sleeping child against me and at some point I must have drifted off too, because the next thing I knew, I was waking up and something was poking my forehead, my nose, my cheek… I opened my eyes and there was Haru.

“Do you know how much mommy loves you?” I told her, brushing her dark hair

“Same as me,” she nodded.

“Yeah? How much do you love me?” I asked staring into her eyes.

“More,” Haru replied decisively

“More?” I asked with a smirk

“I love you more” she reasoned and I felt my heart swell

“I love you more too.”