Chap. 20 – One of our heart-to-heart conversations

Just as she stepped out of her home she was met by the failure of life. He was leaning on the wall in front of her door. By the looks of it Sunny could guess he was waiting for her. She looked down as her fingers fumbled with her key, not finding the right one and the hair on her back rose as she felt Jaejoong observing her. Her face changed in color as she thought about all the horrible words she had used yesterday. But he still deserved it, every word of it! Finally she was done with her lock! One last time she glanced at her neighbor before turning around and leaving him behind.

“Sunny, we need to talk.” she heard him say closely behind but she kept on ignoring at as they both went into the elevator.

“Just for your information, you’re not holding your end of our promise! Do you remember the pinky promise we made during the hiking? We promised to forgive each other if we would ever end up hurting each other’s feelings, and that we would forever remain friends. I’m asking you to hold your end of it!” he challenged the friend he didn’t wanted to lose but that person only glared back at him with her tiny eyebrows and round innocent eyes. She didn’t seem to care at all about a stupid promise; it was only a mistake she wanted to take back. A sigh escaped Jaejoong’s lips as after breaking their glaring contest.

“Sunny, I’ve decided to go back to being the normal me, the good one next to you but it won’t work without you. I need you in my life Sunny, please forgive me! You’re the only friend I have after being thrown out of TVXQ, I really need you. I enjoy being with you, you’re a good and nice girl and I could never forgive myself for ruining our friendship, please take me back.” Her idiot neighbor begged silently, saying the words loud enough for only her to hear even though they were the only ones in the elevator. He never received an answer, that friend continued glaring at him.

Realizing what he lost wasn’t enough to mend her heart! She was an independent woman who didntneed him, to be him who seemed to need her to continue life.

“Fine, if I’ll tell you what happened during the hiking, will you forgive me?” he finally gave up and asked the question that caught her attention.

“Depends.” she answered shortly with cold eyes.

“Fine, fine, but just so you know, your friendship is way too expensive. Joking, just joking!” he hurriedly added when they locked eyes. Haha, not funny Jaejoong, not at all.

“I went out because I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep because… I… I realized… how should I put this? I realized… damn, it’s really hard to say it!” he muttered under his breath as that friend could see his face change in color too. Now he had all her attention; this seemed to be very important and difficult for him to say.

“I realized that… I am in love with a person who… means the world to me… who makes me into a better person… but we will never be together.” he said while looking down, never meeting her round eyes. When she tried to see his face he even turned away his face. This must have been hard for him to say.

Wait… slowly she realized what he said and the blood froze in her veins. He realized his feelings during the hiking? And he also realized they couldn’t be together? And she meant the world to him, making him a better person?

Now she couldn’t look at him anymore either, trying hard to blink away the tears that were forming in her eyes. So he had finally realized everything! Poor him, it must have been so hard for him to realize this and to say it out loud. Sunny just wanted to hug him and comfort him but didn’t want to give the wrong signals.

“Sunny… will you forgive me and remain my friend forever?” he silently asked.

Even though the situation was tough and painful Sunny felt relieved, he saying that they would be friends forever made one of her biggest worries disappear. Actually he was the one, who should forgive her for not being able to love him back and here he was standing, ready to remain friends with her. This was it, now Sunny couldn’t fight back the tears anymore. This was so sad, life is so unfair! Deep down Jaejoong is such a good person, why was life so cruel with him?

“Yes, friends forever… and don’t get this wrong… I’m only crying because I have PMS.” Sunny lied as she kept on blinking.

“I know, I know, girls are exhausted during that time, doesn’t mean that you’re a weak person. Thank you Sunny, I promise that I’ll become better or at least as good as I was before the hiking.” He said as he held her in his arms, giving her a hug.

“I hope so, though you still have to become C student for me to officially see you as a friend in school too.” His friend reminded him.

Silently they walked next to each other to the school.

As soon as she came out the door she quickly zipped her jacket, it was cold! It was already the end of December, and she started to hate winter, it was always so cold.

“Good morning Sunny!” suddenly a voice called out full of enthusiasm. She swallowed while glancing at the tall dark blond (he colored it last week) figure smiling back at her. He had been waiting for her this morning, as he had always been this last month. Sunny nodded as she looked away, didn’t want to meet his eyes but at the same time, she didn’t want to make him suspicious of anything.

“How do you feel this morning, did you sleep well?” he asked still smiling warmly at his beloved friend. The last week he had been like this, always asking her in the morning whether she had slept well, if she ate enough. Every time he asked Sunny could feel that he really cared, that he wanted to ask and didn’t just want to be polite. Jaejoong, Sunny thought without looking at him, stop being so good, it’s not good for any of us.

“Yes, I did. Have you?” she muttered while watching her feet when they started to walk to the elevator.

“Yes, I did too. How do you feel about today’s Biology test?” he continued his caring while she glared at the ground. Why can’t he just stop?

“Not much, it’s just a test. You?”

“I think that I’ll be doing very well, thank you. I have studied this whole week for this test, and I think the teacher likes me; I even apologized to him after the hiking, so I’ll definitely do well. I like Biology, and I like the teacher, he’s nice. Though music is still the best, our teacher said that he will give me an A if I continue like I do now. That means that I’ll have two A’s this year, Mum and Dad will be really happy with me.” he babbled on while they were standing in the elevator.

Sunny only nodded, didn’t want to answer him, it didn’t feel right. This whole thing; them being good friends while he liked her a lot even though they can’t be together, didn’t feel right. Every time he smiled at her and she smiled back she felt so guilty, knowing how painful it must have been for him, and she didn’t wanted to add more fuel to that feeling. She didn’t want to be nice to him, didn’t want to say caring words, sentences to him, and most of all, she didn’t want to smile at him.

Looking down at her feet awkwardly, she distanced herself from him; just the way she had been doing this whole week. Though that didn’t feel good either, since he was so good to her and she needed him too, though only as a friend.

“Sunny…”

He suddenly stopped that friend's tracks by pulling her arm back as she was trying to walk out of the building. Out of nowhere he had switched into serious mode, and now he was observing with his big eyes while Sunny again, awkwardly looked away. His eyes could be so intimidating sometimes. “What’s wrong?”

So, he had noticed.

“Nothing, I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.” Sunny once again lied, shrugging it off and tried to continue walking but he didn’t let her arms go.

“You woke up on the wrong side of the bed every single day of this whole week? Come on Sunny, I’m not stupid. Just tell me what’s bothering you!” he asked as he watched his friend intently, searching for a reaction. Her eyes filled with tears as she thought about the reason while looking down. It was his fault; he shouldn’t have reminded her of it!

“No… it’s just…” she couldn’t continue as she broke down into painful sobs, this was too much!

“Hey-hey, Sunny, don’t cry! I’m sorry if I was too harsh with you, don’t cry!” he tried to comfort that friend whom he embraced.

“Jaejoong, I can’t do this anymore… I can’t be friends with you anymore, I just can’t.” she shook her head and could feel him tense but he continued hugging her. “It doesn’t feel right, you loving somebody whom you can’t be with and that somebody being nice to you, it must be painful. I don’t want to cause pain, being friends with you would be just too selfish.” she explained to him while crying painfully.

She couldn’t sleep this whole week, always being sad and thinking about their friendship. This was too much, she wanted it to stop, she couldn’t do this anymore! She hated feeling guilty all the time and had to escape from this. 

“Is this what made you a this whole week?” he asked playfully with a smirk, trying to ease the situation she guessed. “Sunny… it’s okay, I’m fine. Yes, it’s painful to not be able to be with the one I love but it’s alright, I’m a big boy so I can handle this. Sunny, trust me, I can handle this. Please take back the words you said, I don’t want you to stop being friends with me; I already told you I need you! Remember the weeks after the hiking, I was so lost, and losing you again would only make me like that again. Don’t stop being friends with me, Sunny, I want to be a good person now!” he almost begged while holding her tightly.

“But… what should I do? It doesn’t feel right.”

“Just forget about it, don’t think about it and continue being friends with me, I can handle my feelings Sunny. I promise you, I can handle my feelings, trust me and continue being friends with me!”

“Are you sure?” she asked again, still uncertain.

“Yes, Sunny, come on, I’ll be fine, as long as I have you by my side I’ll be fine.” He chuckled and starting walking again, without letting her go.

-

Thank you for reading! You're welcome to comment all your thoughts. I'm planning to ask some users to review this once Loving Nobody is complete so that I can improve in the future :)

kyonhae912: thank you for answering my question! I'm happy you liked that Jae didn't try taking suicide, he just thought about it. Usually I think it's going overboard to actually attempt suicide, it makes the story less realistic. What do you think? :)

viaxoxo: yes, let's cheer him on as she becomes a good person! He did think about suicide but no more than that xD