Chap 10 – Letting you in

“Dongsaeng, will you tell me the reason why you begun to study?” suddenly his younger sister asked while they ate breakfast. The black haired youngster didn’t move a muscle since his head hurt too much. He didn't even open his swollen eyes, knowing well that it'd hurt.

“No.” the seventeen years old calmly answered.

“Sunny, I have a feeling you’ve started to know my brother better than I do. What is the reason?” Jessica turned to Nobody who locked eyes with her classmate. The black haired slowly shook his head, indicating that she should just shut up.

“Ah yeah, he wants to sit next to me in school but I don’t want to sit next to an idiot. Our deal is that he can sit next to me when he’s an average of C’s. I think that is why he’s doing all this trouble.” The nuisance explained calmly while smiling at her best friend. Jessica looked taken aback, looking at her brother with a shocked expression.

“That’s…it?” she asked disappointedly.

“Why… what did you expect?” Sunny asked.

“I thought he finally had a dream, a plan, anything that is more than just a seat.”

“Thank you for your encouraging words. I told you yesterday that it was nothing, should have listened to me.” The black haired reminded his neighbor with closed eyes, his head hurt from all the talking. He really wanted to puke, hoping that his headache would go away then.

“Was that why you became drunk? Because of a conversation?” Nobody suddenly asked. The seventeen years old’s eyes jolted open and he glared at the two girls.

“Yes, because of a conversation. Now shut up, both of you, I hate you right now so just go away, leave me alone!” he said loudly, almost shouting.

The sun was shining on the red and yellow leaves while the air was chilly, making their ears and hands cold and red. It was a beautiful but cold autumn morning, with pools of water on the ground and cars passing by in this busy city they called home.

The boy watched the girl thoughtfully, he wanted to know something. There was this thing in his head that he couldn’t let go, something he wanted to ask her. No, it wasn’t exactly her he wanted to ask, he just wanted to ask anyone, he wanted to talk about it with anyone available that wasn’t his family. It’s been pestering his mind a lot, knowing that these kinds of thoughts weren’t healthy so he just wanted to ask someone if they had experienced it too. Yes, he knew these thoughts weren’t good but at the same time he also knew that they were right, the thoughts were right.

“Nobody, have you ever felt like… your life was meaningless?” the boy finally gathered up the courage to ask the question from the girl who walked with him to school.

When he asked the girl he couldn’t even look at her, afraid of how her reaction will be. Will she say he’s crazy, that he’s mental? He could feel his blood rushing in his veins, not only in his heart but in his whole body, and he could only hope that she wouldn’t notice it.

The classmate surprised her; she didn’t know he was a deep person that had those kinds of thoughts in his head. She looked up at him but he didn’t look back, he just stared emotionlessly at the road. The timing was also interesting, who had those kinds of thoughts during such a beautiful day?

“No, I haven’t… I know that Taemin and my parents need me; they need my love just the way as I need their love. Why, have you?”

“Yes, I have… don’t tell anyone but… before, like, some months ago I knew that I was useless, that my existence did more bad than good… but then, a person appeared in my life, making me feel needed.” He showed a weak smile, still without looking at the girl. Sunny watched him with big round eyes, was it a confession? She asked in her head.

“Good, Jaejoong-shi, I’m glad for you.” she muttered as she looked down at the ground, contemplating what she could say to make him stop continuing this conversation.

“You know… before, I wanted to take my life. I knew that I wasn’t needed and I knew that the only solution was suicide but I couldn’t do it. Many times I have tried… looking at these things that… you take your life with, but I couldn’t do it, I was afraid. So I told myself that one day, when I’m ready, I’ll do it because I knew that I did more bad then good, and I really wasn’t needed. Then, a person appeared and took away my thoughts, they just gradually disappeared, got changed by other thoughts. And I’m thankful for that, thankful to that person because now, looking back at the old me I realize that I didn’t like those thoughts, so I’m thankful that they are gone.” He confessed, still without meeting the girl’s eyes.

“Good, because… I don’t know your life Jaejoong, how much good you have done but don’t forget that until you’re dead, you have always a chance to change, and become a better person. If you commit suicide, you take away your only chance, so don’t do that.”

“I won’t. Don’t tell anyone about this!”

“I won’t.”

It turned out to be a confession, but not about love. Now he let her into his heart, letting her know what was in the head of Kim Jaejoong. She smiled as she relaxed but she feared the day when a confession of another kind would come.

Later on, while lying in his bed there was one particular thing she said that couldn’t leave his mind. She said that he could change.

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The 10th chapter, thank you for reading this far! :) I changed the poster once again, you're welcome to check it out ;)

kyonhae918: Taemin's too cute for his own good XD yeah, jae drank and here's the consequence; hang-over. Let's hope he learns his lesson...

viaxoxo: oh my, have you readen all of your subscriptions? that's a lot :) your thougths are interesting, you always see the good in Jaejoong!

-earlys: he's wild and young (as g-dragon would say) :)