203

Hello again, Jessi.

As I have promised to you, I am writing you this letter to say the things that I wasn’t able to when I was visiting you this afternoon. There are some things that are difficult to say, no matter (or sometimes especially because) how close you are to that person, and thus, I am putting those words down in here. It just felt awkward if I were to have said all this to you this afternoon, if I were to be talking to you about this while you stare straight at the wall in front with those beautiful eyes of yours. It would have felt as if you weren’t listening—you do listen to me, don’t you, all this time when I have been talking to you— and it would have seemed like you don’t care, which hurts me a lot, even to just think that you no longer care about me…

So Yuri took me to the therapist this morning. Her name was Ms. Choi, a very tall and skinny twenty-something year old with a wide friendly smile. Her office was painted a pastel yellow and with the morning sunlight, the atmosphere was very warm and cozy. When we arrived, she made Yuri sit in the waiting room and brought me into a separate room. It was painted pastel pink and I felt even more comfortable. We sat on the sofas and she offered me a bag of chips.

“Be comfortable,” she said, leaning back and taking the chips for herself when I refused them.

I just nodded, took off my shoes, and sat cross-legged.

“So… you can call me Ms. Choi,” she told me, sounded very laidback, maybe even a bit lazy. “Or anything you want actually.”

“Nice you meet you Ms. Choi, I’m Tiffany Hwang. You can call me Tiffany.” I was pretty nervous actually. It’s my first time doing this and I don’t know how she would be handling me.

What would she ask me? What if I can’t do what she asks me to? What if I can’t be helped? What if news gets out of how bad of a situation I am in? No, nothing is wrong with me… what am I saying.

All my worries subsided a little when Ms. Choi broke the silence again shortly.

“Tiffany, I want you to feel safe here. You can tell me anything you want to say and I will try my best not to force you to say anything you don’t want to. It is my only priority to help you in any way that I can. But in order to for me to be able to help you, you have to first allow yourself to be helped, either by me or by yourself.  Please be as honest with me as you can. Be assured that anything you say in this room and any notes I may take will remain in this room. Do you understand?”

I nodded.

“Do you have any questions?”

I shook my head.

“Tiffany, how are you feeling today?”

“I’m fine…” I trailed off remembering that she told me to be honest. “A little tired maybe?”

“Why are you tired?”

“I couldn’t really sleep well last night because I was worried about this.”

She smiled at me warmly. “Well, this is going fine. You’re doing well. Nothing to worry about, right? You’re comfortable with this? With me?”

I nodded again, smiling a little.

"So you said you ‘couldn’t really sleep well last night’. What about other nights? Do you sleep well?"

I bit my bottom lip, knowing the answer yet not wanting to say it. “Not really?”

"Why not?"

"I don’t know."

“Think again,” Ms. Choi asked of me, lounging in her seat even more comfortably in preparation to wait for me to speak.

“I think a lot.” I heaved a small sigh; it was always hard to say the truth, that there may be a problem. “And I get nightmares… sometimes?”

It was more like every night until I stopped sleeping.

“About what?” She sat up straighter and wrote down something in her little notepad.

“Can you please not do that? Taking notes like that on what I say… please?”

“Why not?”

“It makes me uncomfortable about answering, like I get self-conscious and it’ll be harder for me to say what I want to really say.”

She nodded, putting the pad down on the table beside the sofa and clicking her pen.

“Thank you,” I gave her a wobbly smile and she returned the action with a reassuring one. “So you wanted me to answer regarding which one?”

“About your thoughts or your nightmares, whichever you want to talk about.”

I took some time to think about her question. “Well, I guess I think about life. About Jessica.”

“Oh who is this Jessica?” She asked, interested.

“She’s my girlfriend, my love…” I could see Ms. Choi smiling a little unconsciously as my cheeks warmed with the confession. “The loveliest girl in the world.”

“That’s nice,” she threaded towards the topic subtly. “So what do you think about Jessica?”

“Well, if she’s fine. I mean, she is but… I mean I think about our memories. Like when we used to live together... it was just me and her and we were so happy together. I love her so much and she loves me and it was the most perfect life I could think of.”

I trailed off as I got lost in the memories as I usually do these days.

“So you guys don’t live together anymore?” She asked again after a while.

“Yes.”

“Where does she live now? Did she move to another country?”

I pulled my bottom lip in between my front teeth again. “Well, she’s at the hospital actually.”

“Oh… is she okay?”

“Yeah she’s fine.” I could feel my tone tensing, but I took a deep breath to calm my defensiveness. “I visit her often.”

“She must be happy then.”

“I hope so…” Are you happy when I visit, Jessi?

“What do you mean?”

“Well she doesn’t really… react. I mean well, so there was an accident. She’s fine but she hit her head and she was comatose for a while. She woke after 26 days, but she hasn’t been responding to any of us because of her head injury.”

“And how do you feel about that?” This is the first time anyone asked me that.

“I miss her of course. I miss hearing her voice. I miss her smile, her hugs, her everything all the time. ” Tears blurred my vision as I spoke my thoughts. “But I think it’s enough, that I’m lucky enough to be able to still be with her. That’s she’s still alive after all this.”

“Yes, I understand… Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Huh?” I started, quickly wiping away my fallen tears.

“The accident, I mean.”

I closed my eyes; I didn’t really want to talk about anything but that was the reason I was here.

“Well…” I took another deep breath as the feelings of hatred, rage, and guilt began to fill me again at the mere thought of the incident. “That bastard. He deserves to die. He ought to have his hands and balls cut off. Thank god the police caught him. How could he do something like that to her? And he claimed to be in love with her. How dare he do this to her? She trusted him. That’s probably why she agreed to follow him when he lied to her that he would send her home. That bastard used her trust to take advantage of her while she was helpless. He marred my Jessi’s flawless skin with his vile touches. He bruised her, her ego, and hurt her heart as if it wasn’t already broken enough that night. Why did Jessi even drink herself silly that night? Why didn’t she wait for me? Did she hate me that much to resort to getting drunk, to resort to him? I didn’t know; I hadn’t known.”

I stopped, unable to continue as sobs wracked my body and flashes of the scene that I arrived to—your hair a mess, your manicured nails torn, purple blotches beginning to darken on your arms and legs where he had gripped you, the blood soaked into your skirt and shirt, your beautiful face covered with trails of tears, your hands clutching at your top above your heart as you lay on the ground, broken. The memory that forever haunts me.

“But the police has him now right. Do you think justice has been served?”

 “I will never forgive him.” I spoke between my teeth, all but growling.

“Tiffany…”

“I’m fine.” I snapped back at her before backtracking, wide-eyed. “I’m sorry. Let’s just… can we stop talking about this?”

“Isn’t this why you are here?” She remained calm after witnessing all the chaos inside me.

“Please… can we please stop for today?” Reigning in my tears, I pleaded with whatever strength I have left. “It hurts.”

Ms. Choi nodded, passing me a box of tissues. “Okay, our time is up anyways.”

“Thank you.” I breathed out a sigh of relief.

“You don’t need to thank me, Tiffany.”

“Thank you anyways.” It actually felt nice; I felt light, after talking.

“Will I be seeing you again next week?”

“I guess…”

“Then I’ll see you next week Tiffany.” She waved at me, picking up her notepad and pen again. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Ms. Choi.”

So that was how it went. It left me drained. It left me freer than I have been before. It left me missing you even more.

Jessi, please come back to me soon. I’m sorry.

Always and Forever,

Tiffany

A/N: as promised, im back ^^ and happy 7th anniversary SNSD! #7years&4everwith9irlsGenera7ion hehe it has been wow 5 years since i became a SONE and more than 3 years since i started writing fanfics... it has been long... and im so glad we're still all going on strong. let's keep this all up shall we?

im feeling all the love today <33

so plz share your love in the comment box below! of snsd, of jeti, of my fics, of anything hehe

comment, upvote, subscribe, spread the love!~