A/N: HELLO GUYS! i've been updating a lot these days i see hehehehe i'm feeling productive today! i wrote this chapter in one sitting and it's like over 1000 words so i'm veryyyyy proud of myself right now. and i have the next chapter planned already too :D i just need time to write it and i hope i will get some tomorrow. if not, i'll be back at least by snsd's 7th anniversary. HOPEFULLY! i mean u guys would want to take my time and give you a long good chapter rather than rush and give you a short unplanned one right? keke

anyways, hope you enjoy this one cuz i quite liked it. the plot is finally going somewhere lol

all errors r mine. haven't edited cuz i just finished writing this (fresh out of my mind oven guys hehe) and i'm so energetic right now for some reason so i don't have the patience to be sitting longer and editing.. okay i better stop talking so that you guys can read the actual update

comment, upvote, subscribe, spread the LOVE!!~~~

Hey Jessi,

I hope you’re well. I know I haven’t been writing these letters to you in a while, but that’s only because I have been at the hospital more often these days, visiting you as I have promised. Since we talk about everything when I am with you (or well, I talk and you listen to me blabbering… I think), so I usually don’t have anything much to write to you after my visits. However, the day before yesterday, something happened that now added an extra burden to my life schedule.

As she has been doing the past few months, Yuri came over again on Sunday to check on me. It’s hard to live alone, especially if the change is sudden, and knowing the type of person I am, Yuri probably thinks I would be cutting my fingers off accidently every time I try to cook dinner or something. She was already here when I woke up to the aroma of deliciously cooked pancakes and bacon.

“What’s your plan for today?” Yuri asked me as we sat down for breakfast.

“Nothing much.” I was thinking of watching something on Netflix or maybe visiting you again.

“Taeyeon’s birthday is coming up.”

“Oh really?” It had kind of slipped my mind. Sure, Taeyeon is my best friend but as you know, I’m bad at remembering dates. It’s not like I’ve looked at the calendar these days; I know without it how many days you have been away from me.

“You didn’t remember?” Her tone wasn’t in surprise, as I had expected; it sounded more like…disappointment.

“Of course I do!”

Yuri was nowhere near convinced, but she dropped the topic with a sigh.

“Yoona, Sunny, and I were planning to go shopping for presents today. Come with us.”

I didn’t answer, pushing the leftover food in my plate around instead.

“Fany-ah!”

“What?” I answered without looking up.

“Come with us.”

“I don’t want to.” I’m tired from the whole week.

“It’s only for an hour. It might do you good to go out and spend some time with us.”

“I do go out!”

“Only to go to work or to go to the hospital! I even buy your groceries for you.”

I bit my bottom lip and didn’t reply. There was some truth in her statement, but at least I was still going out of our house.

“Tiffany. You’re coming with us!” Yuri made a move to grab at my hand, but I flinched away from her contact. “MIYOUNG!”

I started at her shout but something in me ticked at the response. “WHAT?”

“Why are you doing this to yourself?!” She stood up from her seat, running her fingers through her dark hair in frustration.

“Why are you forcing me?!” The argument turned heated when I followed suit, now glaring at each other.

“Because you’re hurting yourself by doing this!”

“I’m fine. Just leave me alone!” Angrily, I slammed the spoon down on the table and walked away, heading to my room.

“Tiff! You have to stop being like this!” Yuri hurried after me and grabbed my wrist to pull me into a stop.

“Let me go.”

“No, Tiff. You’ve got to stop living like this. Yes, Jessica left you. Jessica got hurt. Maybe it’s because of him; maybe it’s your fault—”

“Stop talking!”

“NO TIFFANY!” She grabbed my shoulders, turning me to face her. “It has been five months! It’s enough that we have lost Jessica like this. We can’t lose you too. Can’t you see? You hardly leave the house. You are not eating properly. All you do is work and visit Jessica. You’re hurting yourself by doing this. Nothing good would come out of you being like this. Jessica won’t suddenly start responding to you by you punishing yourself like this. This is not the way to get rid of your guilt. This is not the way to correct your mistakes. This is not the way to move on from the past.”

“I don’t want to move on from the past! Jessi is fine! I’m fine!” By now, we were shouting at each other. Her grip on my shoulders hurt but my fingers digging into her arms were probably hurting her too. What hurt the most at that moment however was her words, our words, the truth.

“STOP LYING TO YOURSELF! Open your eyes and look! You’ve become so skinny. Your house is a mess. You are a mess. Your smiles never reach your eyes anymore. You’re hurting so much and you’re hurting us by being like this. Come back to us Tiffany. Stop just being alive and start living again. It’s already enough that Jessica is like that already—”

Yuri’s eyes widened as her rant was cut off. I screamed and pushed her arms away, stumbling back from the force. She fell down onto the ground with a loud “AH!” when she landed on her hand in a wrong position. She stared up at me, shocked, scared, angry, disappointed. I was shaking as I backed away from her, holding onto the couch for support.

“Yuri-ah…” Tears were falling freely down my face, my body trembling from my sobs, watching through my blurred vision at Yuri picking herself back up, clutching her right wrist.

I didn’t know what I did. I didn’t know why I did that. It was a moment of rage when the monster inside me took over. When I now access my memory of that specific moment, all I see is black like a lapse in memory, as if I unconsciously dropped the curtain over what I won’t want to remember.

“Fany… Oh Tiffany, come here.” After all this, she still wasn’t scared of me. She wasn’t frustrated with me. She hasn’t given up on me. I allowed her to pull me into her arms and I leaned weakly into her strong fast hold.

“I’m so sorry, Fany-ah. I’m so sorry for pushing you like this.” Yuri patted my back soothingly with her uninjured hand as I cried, clutching onto her like she’s my lifeline.

I wanted to tell her: You shouldn’t be. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m the one at fault for everything. I’m sorry. But words refused to form on the tip of my tongue. All I could do was cry, like the pitiful human I am.

“Listen, Fany-ah… I’m not going to force you into anything,” Yuri started again when my wails have muffled down to sobs, cautiously and hopefully, “But would you like to go see a therapist? I think it would be good for you. All of us are always here for you, of course, but some things are easier when said to strangers. I know one who is very good. I can take you to her if you want. You don’t have to decide right now; just take it into consideration, okay?”

I nodded against her shoulder and I felt her smile against the crown of my head.

“And can I ask you for something else?”

I nodded again.

“Taeyeon is holding a birthday party at her house this weekend. Will you come? I can come pick you up and drop you off if you want to go. I’ll be your handsomest chauffer for the day.” To lighten the mood, Yuri asked in a playful tone.

A few silent seconds encompassed us while I thought about the idea. She was my best friend. I haven’t been with all my friends for over a month now. It was the least I can do for them.

“Thank you,” I choked on the word as I replied but Yuri caught my faint whisper.

“We all love you very much, Tiffany,” Yuri reminded me and kissed the side of my head protectively.

I know that they do. And I love them too. I have just… I won’t say forgotten, but sometimes when things get dark, you tend to not see. I’m glad the dispute with Yuri happened because now, I think I’m ready to step back into the light again.

I have made an appointment with the therapist for tomorrow, Jessi. I think Yuri is right; it’s time for me to stop being just alive and to start truly living again.

Wish me good luck, love. Maybe someday, I can forgive myself.

Forever loving you,

Tiffany