6 a.m & I’m still wide awake .

My mind was fully distracted by confusing thoughts and the banging sound in the next room . Well it’s my father who’s probably with one of his girls , typically the same thing happening every night but tonight is an exception : every night when I know that my father is going to bring a woman home , I call my best friend and I sleep over his house , my best friend is Kim Jongin .

Yes , my best friend is a guy , or to be called my protector .

He calls me “my doll” and I call him “my protector”. Actually , at the age of 5 , before mom left me , I was standing in front of the house wondering why my mother has packed her things and was about to say goodbye . I was tugging my nails on Jongin’s shirt as if I’m asking why is this happening . She turned to him , kneeled down & said : “Jongin please promise me you’ll protect my baby until I comeback “ .

Confused , he only nodded while I was crying & asking her  when will she comeback, she smiled and wept my tears & said : “so soon baby , so soon”…
 

Well , I’m 18 now and I still can’t reach out for her …

Back to the present time … This night is a nightmare , hearing these dirty voices coming out of the other room , I tried to call Jongin but he didn’t pick up, he only texted me back with “Sorry my doll , im with mom in Busan , If you want you can go to my home , the key is under the front-door carpet”.

I don’t want to stay at his house all by myself , I got scared … I can do nothing without him so I have to bite my lips , swallow my saliva & stay in my room , under my blanket …

It’s a Sunday and I actually have to go to work at 8 but why is it taking so long to see the sunlight … Why is it taking so long to hear silence again … Why is all of this happening to me?

A girl in my age should be living with a nice family , having good friends , having a perfect boyfriend , thinking about future university , wearing girly clothes … A girl in my age shouldn’t be living with a father who’s a womanizer , living with no mother , having few friends … Why I am the only one suffering when I did nothing wrong in my life ?

My father , the big trouble of my life .

He’s been sleeping around with other women since my mother left . Maybe that’s the reason why mom left us … Well she could’ve taken me with her… why did she leave me with him ? He works in an office which , until today , I don’t know where it is or what it is , that’s a mystery .

Dad lets me do anything without asking me or talking to me & I don’t even talk to him or let him know my stuff . Only two questions he never answer , he never wants me to even ask , these questions are “Can I leave home and go live by myself?” and “Why did mom leave us?” . Wel