“That’s a pretty colour,” Jessica said as she passed by the couch where Tiffany was sitting, an open book lying on her lap.

“What is?” Tiffany replied absentmindedly.

“That.” Jessica nodded at Tiffany’s newly done nails which were painted a soft, seashell pink.

“Is it?”

“Yeah.” Jessica paused. “Do you even know what I’m talking about?”

Tiffany hesitated, confused. “I think so. My…nails?”

“Were you zoning out again?” Jessica asked wryly, perching herself on the low back of the couch.

“I think so, yeah.”

“That’s kind of my thing, you know. Goes with the blonde hair and whole stereotype.”

“I know. We all know.”

Tiffany smiled to herself. Jessica practically owned the art of zoning out even during interviews and talk shows, but Tiffany felt like she was doing a lot more of it than what was usual for her these days. It wasn’t like she daydreamed, or let her mind wander off….her mind just kind of shut off by itself. Perhaps it was her mind demanding the break her body could not afford, with all the years of non-stop working and repressed exhaustion catching up with her. After all, it was close to fourteen years of this life.

But she has never regretted choosing this path – there have been moments of doubts, when she wondered if it was truly worth it. But then she stood on stage with the rest of Girls’ Generation to look out at an ocean of pink and held a heavy trophy in her hand as her members cried and stumbled through their thank you speeches and she realized that even if she knew back then how utterly consuming and exhausting this life would be, she would choose it all over again.

"Hey, Fany ah. Stop trying to take over my title.”

“As what, the ice princess?” Tiffany grinned, shifting over as she patted the spot next to her. Jessica slid down easily, blowing away blonde strands that fell into her eyes as she settled in.

“No, as Queen of the Out Zone. Not the ice princess. No one can do icy like me.” Jessica declared nonchalantly.

“Krystal could give you a run for your money in that department.”

“It’s the Jung coolness.” Jessica grinned even as her eyes softened at the mention of her younger sister.

Tiffany wondered wistfully, not for the first time, what it was like to be so close to a sibling that she could confide all her hopes and dreams to that person like the Jung sisters. She had Michelle and Leo, but they were in America, and she had been away from them for a very, very long time. It felt like leading separate lives eventually led to the family just being them and just me.

“You’re doing it again,” Jessica’s voice cut into her thoughts, sounding amused and slightly concerned at the same time.

“Hmm?” Tiffany shook her head. “Yeah. I was trying to read actually, but I guess I got kind of…lost.”

Jessica flipped the book cover over, arching an eyebrow. “The Fault In Our Stars? It’s a pretty good book.”

“Is it?” Tiffany murmured. “I don’t know, I just kind of blanked halfway.”

Jessica tilted her head to one side in that thoughtful, yet incredibly endearing way of hers.

“You don’t look so good,” she remarked, sounding flippant and concerned at the same time. It was only concern, not quite worry yet, but Tiffany could sense it coming.

“It’s nothing.” Tiffany shook her head again, long hair escaping her loose ponytail. She has to go to the salon soon, she thought to herself distractedly, to get it done before the wedding.

“Zoning out again.”

“Sorry.” Tiffany laughed embarrassedly. “I was just thinking about stuff...I just have lots of things on my mind right now.”

“I know. We all know.” Jessica repeated her words back at her, smiling gently.

"There's just so much to do and plan for the wedding." Tiffany frowned, going down her mental checklist as she stared straight ahead.

"You know you could just get help." Jessica remarked meaningfully. "You need to learn to ask for help, Steph. And I'm not just talking about the wedding."

"I do. Seunghyun's helping me as much as possible for the preparations," Tiffany replied, not quite answering Jessica's comment. "It's just that he's so busy I don't want to trouble him so much."

"T.O.P. oppa would drop everything for you, and you know that." Jessica snorted.

"Precisely." Tiffany laughed. "He spoils me too much."

Jessica paused. “You know, I'm glad T.O.P. oppa loves you so much. You deserve it – deserve to be loved like that, I mean.”

Tiffany blinked at the abrupt change in topic. “What?”

“Anyone would have to be blind not to see how he worships you.” Jessica mused, seemingly more to herself than Tiffany. “And the way you look at him….it’s kind of blinding sometimes.” She smiled wryly. “More effective than your eye smiles, even.”

Tiffany laughed, not missing the slightly reflective, wistful edge to Jessica’s voice. She wondered if Jessica was happy with Taecyeon – they had been friends for many years before getting together, but perhaps that familiarity made Jessica too comfortable and left her wanting more.

“I must look like a fool sometimes.”

“No,” Jessica murmured quietly, sounding like she was speaking from experience as her words dropped like leaden weights from her lips. “You’re only a fool if you don’t love.”

“Are you happy with Taecyeon?” Tiffany ventured.

"I should be." Jessica paused, seeming troubled. “Everything is alright.” The corners of were turned down unhappily, hinting otherwise.

“But alright isn’t enough?” Tiffany asked quietly.

Jessica hesitated, before nodding sharply – a brief, quick motion.

“I used to be like that with Nichkhun too.” Tiffany played with the edges of a page absentmindedly, rubbing the paper through her fingertips. “We felt…stagnant. We were never about the butterflies and fireworks, but at some point the safety and passive romance just got too obvious.”

“Then what happened?”

“Then Nichkhun broke up with me.” Tiffany shrugged nonchalantly. “At that time it hurt like – like hell.”

Jessica made a funny face at the word and Tiffany laughed.

“No, really, it did. But maybe all the hurt just stemmed from how it happened rather than it happening at all, you know what I mean? Even though I loved him, maybe we never would have worked out all that well in the long term."

"Did you know it then?" Jessica asked, her eyes intent.

Tiffany shook her head. "You don’t really have complete emotions at that time, you only understand it all when it’s in the past. That’s why, looking back…things did turn out for the better. Does that make sense?”

“I-I think so.” Jessica nodded slowly, thoughfully. “And now you have T.O.P. oppa.”

“Yes,” Tiffany smiled. “I do. He helped me fall out of heartbreak and back into love.”

She smiled slightly to herself, leaning her head against Jessica contentedly. She could feel Jessica’s frailty, how her bones are clear and defined against Tiffany’s cheek and how thin she was, like a single breath of wind could blow her away.

“You’re too thin, Jessi.” Tiffany murmured, now concerned too.

She could feel Jessica shrug her shoulders under her in a sharp, abrupt motion.

“What's new? It looks good on camera after all." The dry acceptance in Jessica's voice was something they all possessed after years of the entertainment industry. "It’s a small sacrifice to make.”

Yes, Tiffany thought to herself wryly. The amount of sacrifices they made for this life as an idol, working so hard they have to drag themselves out of bed and sweat and cry so that they can work some more – because an empty schedule signals the decline of an idol’s popularity and the end of their career – and the sneaking around to date, the caution and paranoia that they exercised whenever they secretly break the unrealistic expectations the public places on them.

There were too many sacrifices to count.

Consuming and exhausting, Tiffany thinks to herself again as Jessica put an arm around her shoulder. But even simple moments like these, just sitting in silence with one of her girls or standing on a concert stage to sing, makes it all worthwhile.

“Hey,” Jessica’s voice is gentle even as she drew Tiffany out of her thoughts. “Come back to earth.”

Come back to me, Tiffany remembered a familiar, lower voice saying and she shook her head to get rid of the voice floating in her head.

“I was just thinking.”

“Your only problem is that you think too often and too much,” Jessica said airily. “Taeyeon’s rubbing off on you.”

“Which is not entirely a bad thing.” Taeyeon shut the front door then, shaking her umbrella out onto the door rug. Her hair was windblown and her cheeks were flushed.

“TaeTae.” Tiffany stood, moving forward to help take Taeyeon’s coat off, taking her bag from her. She hadn't seen Taeyeon around for the past two days despite sharing the dorm with her and Sunny. Taeyeon's schedules as a solo singer apart from SNSD were erratic, and she often came in early in the morning and left after a few miserly hours of sleep to work the whole day.

“Welcome back.” Jessica waved casually, still rooted to the couch. “We were just discussing how often Tiffany is zoning out these days. Haven’t you noticed that, Taengoo?”

Taeyeon looked at Tiffany quietly, fondly, and Tiffany noticed the dark circles of exhaustion that no makeup could completely cover up, the weary sag of her friend’s shoulders and she felt a burst of affection and guilt.

“Sometimes your head can be a nice place to stay.” Taeyeon said offhandedly, changing into her house slippers before heading to the kitchen. Her voice was quiet, but clear enough to carry back to Tiffany. “At least my head is certainly nicer than reality.”

“Not helping!” Jessica called after her as Tiffany followed Taeyeon into the kitchen silently.

“Thank you, Taengoo.” Tiffany said softly as Taeyeon filled up a cup with water.

“It’s not a big deal.” Taeyeon gave a wisp of a smile. She knew what Tiffany is referring to, of course, and she waved it away. “Sica, Sunny…all of us would have done the same.”

Tiffany swallowed past the lump in , knowing how particular Taeyeon is with the songs she sings and releases under her name, knowing what a sacrifice it must be for Taeyeon to accept a song that could turn out absolutely awful and which would always be attributed to her simply because she wanted to safeguard Tiffany’s reputation.

This was Taeyeon: Taeyeon who had cried because she hated Gee which had eventually gone on to become the quintessential K-pop hit; Taeyeon who was hailed as one of the best singers in the industry and sang with such raw emotion and passion. Taeyeon had the most artistic integrity out of all of them, Tiffany thought to herself, and she was forcing her to possibly compromise it once again.

“But if his songs turn out horrible, or if they don’t suit you at all, you don’t have to actually sing–”

“Don’t worry about it, Fany.” Taeyeon stated firmly but gently. “I’m sure it can’t be too bad. Besides, it’s a small sacrifice to make.”

"You don't need to sing for me, TaeTae." Tiffany said earnestly. "It's not a sacrifice you need to make."

"I did it because I care about you." Taeyeon smiled tiredly. The warmth in her voice was audible, and the affection in her eyes was as clear as day. "You suffered a lot because of SNSD...all of us did, at one point. But we took care of each other and got through everything, right? This is what it is, Fany. I'm just doing what I can, what I should. I never really was a good leader, but at least I have my voice and this much, I can do."

"Don't ever doubt yourself as a leader, TaeTae." Tiffany frowned as she took Taeyeon's hand, her voice earnest and sincere. "At the end of the day, you are our leader, and you're so much better than you think. We're grateful for that, and we know you'll always do your best, but you can take a break now. We can take care of you now too."

"But I want all of you to be happy. All of you have done so much for me....I just want to do something in return. I want to take care of all of you; I want to take care of you." Taeyeon was equally earnest as she smiled gently with some unidentifiable emotion. "Let me. Okay?"

Tiffany stared at her best friend, the knot in hard and solid. “Taeyeon…”

"Okay?" Taeyeon repeated, firmer this time.

"Okay." Tiffany's hesitation must have shown on her face, because Taeyeon cut her off abruptly before she could protest some more.

“It doesn't matter as long as all of you....as long as you are happy." Taeyeon's eyes were unreadable. "Are you happy with T.O.P. oppa?” 

Tiffany paused, surprised by the sudden question. “Y-yes.”

“Do you love him very much?” Taeyeon pressed, watching her intently.

Tiffany nodded without hesitation now. “More than anything else in the world."

“What, even us?” Jessica pouted, coming up behind Taeyeon as she slung an arm around Taeyeon’s waist. 

Tiffany laughed then, and Jessica grinned, but Taeyeon only exhaled, her face seeming clearer and less troubled.

“Good,” she smiled gently, affectionately. “Then that’s all I need.”