Nichkhun felt like his smile was frozen on his face.

It had been a long press conference, as reporters slung questions at him like fastballs, hard and swift. It had been a hard job fending most of them off, but he had managed. Somehow.

High heels clicked beside him, and he glanced down at the silent woman by his side.

Impressively, Taeyeon had held her own and then some more with the experience borne of many years spent as SNSD’s leader clearly evident throughout the whole press conference. She had easily dismissed any speculation of Tiffany and Nichkhun dating behind T.O.P.’s back and had even made the reporter who dared bring up the question sound like nothing more than a trashy gossipmonger with acerbic words covered up by polite smiles.

Taeyeon had done her part, announcing calmly that Nichkhun sshi had actually gone to S.M. to discuss selling a new song to her in lieu of her recent success as a soloist – not visit Tiffany on a date like that ridiculous rumour suggested – and she had decided to accept the offer. The song would be released as a digital single with no promotions soon, and please look forward to their new collaboration.

They had agreed earlier that this was the most plausible explanation that would successfully divert enough attention from any rumours concerning Tiffany, and Taeyeon was fully aware that she would have to deliver on it.

There wasn’t much else the reporters could press after that.

“Thank you.” Nichkhun murmured to her.

Taeyeon didn’t even glance at him as she turned to speak to her manager who was following behind. “Oppa, give me a few minutes, please?”

The manager looked at her sharply, before nodding. “Make it quick.”

Taeyeon only turned to look at Nichkhun after the manager’s footsteps faded down the corridor. Her face was stony and eyes, opaque.

“I need to talk to you, Nichkhun sshi.”

“I figured,” he laughed weakly even as he followed her into an empty meeting room. Taeyeon let him in first politely before she slammed the door, hard enough to make the windows rattle in their frames.

Nichkhun didn’t know Taeyeon very well; he could hardly call himself a friend of the popular SNSD leader who was well known among celebrities for being friendly enough but notoriously private. But he did know anger when he saw it, and it was fairly blazing in Taeyeon’s eyes now even though her face was as composed as it could be.

“What,” her voice was even, “were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t.” Nichkhun admitted quietly, his forced smile fading. He met her eyes straight on before dropping them. “But I’m not ashamed of what I did.”

This was SNSD’s Taeyeon, Tiffany’s best friend: the dorky kid leader with an ahjumma laugh who was a good eight inches shorter than him. But dork or not, the look in her eyes actually made him feel a tingle of fear.

“You should be.” Taeyeon’s voice was as harsh and sharp as the crack of a whip. “You’re quite shameless, aren’t you? I had to lie to cover up for that stupid stunt you pulled, going to visit Fany at the company in broad daylight.”

“I didn’t ask you to,” Nichkhun replied sharply, too quickly before regretting it.

“No, you didn’t.” Taeyeon’s tone was soft, dangerous. “But what you did caused Tiffany a lot of grief and mind you, I did it for her. You caused Fany enough hurt for a lifetime. Is that why you come back? To bring her more pain? Why did you come back here?”

A memory returned to Nichkhun: an image of Tiffany asking him the same question with those big and dark and half-fearful eyes of hers and he swallowed past the knot in his throat.

“To see Tiffany.”

“And to wish her well.” It was a warning; an order.

“I made mistakes, Taeyeon,” Nichkhun said carefully. “And I intend to correct them.”

“At the expense of her current happiness?” Taeyeon’s tone was acid, her eyes flat and very black.

Nichkhun faltered.

“People always want what they can’t have.” Taeyeon’s eyes narrowed, making Nichkhun feel like he was staring down twin points of blades. “Is this it? You can’t have Tiffany anymore and that’s why you want her back so badly.”

“It’s not like that.” Nichkhun said, his voice coming out weaker than he would like.

“Then let me ask you, Nichkhun sshi, and be truthful. Do you still love her or not?”

“Yes.”

Taeyeon nodded, moving on swiftly like she had already expected the answer.

“But she doesn’t love you anymore.” Her voice was coldly matter-of-fact. “And even if she ever fell out of love with T.O.P. oppa, things would be exactly as they are between you and her now because she’d never make the same mistake again. And trust me, if you’re hoping for that, it’s not happening any time soon.”

Nichkhun only stared at her mutely, feeling like he was suffocating under the weight of the truth she spoke.

“Tiffany…is a good person, Nichkhun.” Taeyeon’s tone softened, shifting infinitesimally as it became earnest, almost pleading. “I would do anything for her – all of us, all those who know her well enough to love her would. That press conference just now? I lied for her, Nichkhun. I would sing for you even if I hated your songs as long as it means keeping Tiffany’s happiness secure, even if I wasn’t happy myself. I know T.O.P. oppa would do that for her too. He’d do anything; give up anything for her. But would you? Did you?”

Nichkhun flinched, paling as his head bowed under Taeyeon’s accusations and his own guilt. 

“I won’t deny that I didn’t.”

“And you hurt her really badly. Will you deny that?”

“No,” Nichkhun shook his head minutely. There was no point denying a truth that had been haunting him for years, that had settled into his bones with regret as a constant companion and only got heavier and heavier each passing day.

“And do you know exactly how much you hurt her?” Taeyeon demanded. She was almost trembling with fury now as her small body shook with repressed anger.

Nichkhun only looked away as Taeyeon took a shuddering breath before speaking again, her voice quieter and calmer now.

“Did you apologize?”

“Yes.” His voice was hoarse, quiet, but loud enough to echo in the empty meeting room where the only other sound was Taeyeon’s harsh breathing. “Yes, I did.”

“In case you forgot, she’s getting married. Apologies aren’t going to change anything now.”

“I know,” Nichkhun said wearily. “I’m well aware of that. But I couldn’t not try.”

Taeyeon crossed her arms, opening to speak just as the shrill cry of her phone pierced the tense silence.

Nichkhun watched quietly as she checked the caller ID, her face automatically softening as she accepted the call.

“Fany.”

Something in Nichkhun’s chest leapt and clenched at the same time before shrinking in upon itself.

Taeyeon glanced at him sharply, and Nichkhun wondered if his myriad of emotions showed on his face.

“No…I’m coming back, yes. In a while.” She paused, and her eyes gentled, as did her voice. “I just wanted to do what I could, Fany.”

Another pause, as the lines on Taeyeon’s brow smoothened out. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be back soon.”

She listened for a while more, and smiled very gently. “Yes – yes.  Don’t wait up for me. Goodbye.”

As she hung up, Nichkhun blurted out, “You love her.”

Taeyeon looked at him, startled, like she had almost forgotten his presence. “Of course I do.”

“No,” Nichkhun half-whispered, dazed at the revelation that had unfolded in a split second, unfurling its secret clearly in the tilt of Taeyeon’s lips and the open sincerity of her eyes. “You love her.”

The accusation hung in the air, thick and heavy.

Taeyeon's eyes were like pools of unfathomless liquid, covered by the first frost of the winter: fragile, breakable. She blinked slowly as the ice cracked, splintering, before she sighed, a quick burst of expelled breath that stirred the air. Resignation was clear in her weary voice as she sighed again, more tired than frustrated.

“Yes.”

It’s all out now, Nichkhun thinks to himself. But he wasn’t really surprised – Tiffany was just easy to love like that.

Those years of longing for Tiffany and being unable to have her, always wanting her and aching to hear about and see her happy with someone else; years filled with yearning and hurt and the painful desire to relinquish his feelings and guilt that clung to him as easily as he should have held on to Tiffany….it was evident Taeyeon had experienced her share too.

People always want what they can’t have.

“Why?” Taeyeon smiled mirthlessly. “You don’t seem shocked.”

“No,” Nichkhun said slowly, something twisting painfully inside him. “Falling in love is involuntary after all. It’s not exactly a decision you can make. And Tiffany – Tiffany, she isn’t hard to love.”

“No,” Taeyeon echoed, pursing her lips. The wet gleam in her eyes was all too clear, despite her steady voice. “She isn’t hard to love at all.”