I pried my own arms from Jongin’s grip the minute those words exit my mouth. Emotions splurged within me, and I knew at that moment I had to find Sehun and declare my feelings for him, finally. But ever since our last practice together, I had not caught even a glimpse of him, let alone having a conversation with him. Even right before our very performance together, he was still nowhere to be found.

I needed Sehun right now - not only for my own sake but also for the sake of the show. I obviously knew the two of us were not on the best of terms, but as they said, “The show must go on.” Our show must go on.

“Sehun!” I called out to him the minute I saw his blonde hair above the heads of the sea of people in the dressing room. His hair was gelled up, just like the head of blonde hair I saw after Jongin’s performance.

He glanced my way for a second, and with his trademark indifferent look, Sehun turned his head to the opposite direction. Before he was able to resume whatever he was doing, I clinged onto his arm and pulled him into a secluded corner. “Oh Sehun, why are you ignoring me? Why didn’t you show up for the dress rehearsal? Where were you?” I asked him a series of questions as I allowed my anxious emotions to overtake me. As I was becoming more anxious by the second, his lack of response only fueled my negativity.

I scoffed incredulously at his behavior. I mean, why was he even so hostile toward me? Had I done anything wrong to him?

“Let go.” A simple phrase. His two words stung my eyes and my heart. Two words that I ordered him before suddenly bit away at my vulnerable skin and tore away at the contracting muscle within my chest.

I dropped my hands from his toned arm, just as he ordered and kept my wavering eyesight on my trembling hands as my eyes threatened to water. My vision began blurring as I struggled for words to retain Sehun. “S-Sehun…”

“I’m really not in the mood to talk right now.” His voice was distant and cold - so cold it burned holes into my heaving chest. My hands subconsciously gripped onto his dress shirt for support as my body threatened to give way. It was a motion that was so familiar to me; I had done so to his shirts so many times before in the past. But, in the past, they were mostly times of joy and euphoria and excitement, where I grasped onto him while animating pleasant happenings. In other times, I held onto him for support during times when he was comforting me.

But this time, weakness was consuming me whole as my hands buckled onto his shirt in utter fear of losing him. “I...I have to tell you something,” I managed to breathlessly whimper while my raw voice cracked towards the end.

To this he scoffed and briefly rolled his eyes. It only reminded me of the night when we argued over Kana and Luhan’s own dispute. The sudden reminder of that argument only served to bring me chills and sheer apprehension for what the current situation ensued.

Sehun suddenly cupped my heated face with both of his palms and tilted my head backwards. As I realized his action, I shifted my eyes so that I was looking straight ahead, only to meet his gaze. Perhaps in another situation, at another time, my heart would be pounding in elation and dancing in glee at our intimacy. Perhaps, if only his gaze was not so hard and menacing. “You have to tell me something? Tell me what?” His tone was so sardonic, as if we weren’t even friends anymore. At least, I didn’t feel as though he was even treating me like a decent human being.

Maybe I was not worthy of being labeled as “decent” anymore.

“I-”

“Tell me that Jongin confessed to you? On stage?” His grip around my face suddenly tightened and I felt the outline of his fingers forming light impressions on my skin. But his force was not what pained me or suddenly turned the faucet on in my tear ducts.

I lost all my resolve to clear the situation with Sehun, since my mind became blank the moment Sehun’s bitter, contentious tone hit me. But I still had to try, right? I had to. “Sehun, listen to me-”

“No. I won’t listen to you again.”

“Please, let me explain.” I knew he saw me drag Jongin backstage. I knew he misunderstood. Why did he have to arrive at the venue at that particular time?

He only shook his head mockingly at my desirous request. Just like my own his eyes were also bloodshot and glossy, and it stung my heart to see him in such a state. “Explain? Explain what? Explain how you chose to get back with Jongin? Or how you still love him? And that you’re sorry for stepping over my feelings?” He hissed every spiteful word at me in a hushed tone, but it felt as though he was screaming every syllable in my face. I could only blink idly at him as I failed to form coherent thoughts. “Don’t you know? Or are you that oblivious? Don’t you know that I really like you?” He inhaled sharply before continuing as I felt the moisture stinging my cheeks. “No, I love you. I’ve never loved a girl so much before, and when I saw you dancing for the first time that day, all I wanted to do was hold you in my arms and cherish and adore you forever. But no, you never wanted that.” What if I did?

The lump in my throat silenced me and prevented me from emitting any sounds other than whimpers and cries. I wanted to tell him that I loved him before it was too late. I wanted to let him know that I loved him, not Jongin. I wanted to confess to him that every time we kissed, every time we embraced, and every time we danced were not out of pure friendship - that I felt much more than plainly platonic friendliness. But I couldn’t say a word as I stared at his weak state.

This was not how I imagined today to be like. Today was supposed to be a perfect showcase of Sehun and I’s dance - our dance. This was not how I imagined my confession to Sehun to be like. It was supposed to be joyous and delightful. But now, all illusions of imaginary, passionate, loving kisses and embraces were being erased by the each passing second.

“I never meant to hurt you, Sehun…” No, they were the wrong words to say.

Not surprisingly, Sehun let out a bitter chuckle in response. “Of course you never meant to hurt me. But you did. You know what? I’m not angry at you. I don’t have a right to be.”

He let go of me, and I instinctively held onto him again. “Wait, Sehun-”

“I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t be the best friend that you come crying to every time you miss Jongin. I can’t be the best friend that holds you in his arms to help you get over your first love. I can’t just stay here knowing that you’ll never like me.”

“But I-”

“Let’s just get this dance over with.”