The chat with Jongin did not leave me questioning his true feelings or the motives behind his words, but rather it left me questioning my own.

    I trudged my way back to my apartment, anticipating a night of silence and tranquility to straighten my thoughts, but that did not happen. Because the sight of a blonde male standing under that same lamppost awaited me.

    “Sehun.” I approached him and offered him a slight smile, that of which he failed to return. Proceeding to unlock the door and lead him inside, I finally asked, “What are you doing here?” I felt so uncomfortable asking Sehun the same question that I had asked Jongin just hours ago, which probably accounted for the unexplainable look on Sehun’s face once he heard those words.

    He never responded to my question, and I was never anticipating a response from him. It was such a rude question to ask at this point of our relationship, especially after what he had just witnessed in the studio. I knew perfectly well that I was not at all unaffected by Jongin’s grand entrance. Of course, I knew well enough than to naively assume that I hadn’t appeared a bit wavering or vulnerable.

    After my initial breakdown in the studio, that was the mere second time that Sehun had seen me so with emotion. I abhorred that notion, because the cause behind both times was Jongin. I somehow felt distressed that Sehun recognized that fact.  

    And here we sat again on the couch of my apartment - without a word to each other. It was just like the situation months ago. We have yet to engage in an actual conversation, but it felt as though we have just experienced a major argument with no turning back, no reconciliation.

    “Was that him?” So vague was his choice of pronouns, yet we both knew clearly who he meant.

    I felt shameful and guilty, but I could barely explain why those feelings overwhelmed me when I had to answer Sehun. “Yeah, that was Jongin.” I didn’t know how to continue, or if I should even continue the conversation judging by the direction it was already taking. Why did I even feel obliged to inform him of the current situation between Jongin and me? I felt like he almost had the right to know about our relationship and that I must clear up the misunderstandings.

    But why was that - since we were only friends?

    Then, I heard a light scoff sound beside me. Sehun bore a disbelieving expression, but it was reminiscent of the one he wore when were were in the same positions arguing about his feelings for Kana. “I guess he’s back, right?” It did not even sound like a question; no, his tone was the complete opposite. It was more definite than a statement, more hostile than an accusation.

    I did not answer him. Simply sitting there without a hint of movement, I let him continue - if he had any intention of doing so.

    “Do you…” His reluctance hinted at sense of apprehension, which confused me. Why would he be fearful of Jongin’s return? “Are you getting back with him?”

    Was I? Probably not. My pride and love for myself forbade me to receive another painful heartache from the same person, especially when the warning signs were clearer than crystals. “I don’t know.” My answer was cowardly - pathetic, even. But I could not reply with a more definite answer when I was so far from being sure myself; I could not make a decision when my mind was so muddled by Jongin’s return and Sehun’s presence.

    “Do you want to?”

    A change of a few words changed the meaning behind his question completely. And it changed the reasoning behind my answer completely. Yet my answer still remained as so. “I don’t know.” I didn’t want to experience another agonizing breakup with someone whom I loved so much. Yet I still could not ditch the notion of completely letting him go.

    At least, when he was still absent, there was hope for his return; although I refused to admit it, my heart longed to be reunited with him and there was always that want of being with him again. But now, a rejection would permanently discontinue our undefined relationship.

    Something that I was not yet ready for, even after all those years.

    “Do you still love him?” Sehun’s voice was consecutively becoming less and less audible. It sounded so husky and raw with emotion that I just wished that this conversation never began and that I never said those words that perhaps pained him.

    “Sehun, I-”

    “Don’t. Please tell me you don’t.”

AHHH ALL THE SEHUN FEELS. Team Jehun or Team JJ? Lol my ship names are so weird. Bye.