"You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice."
-Bob Marley

 I don't have regrets being with them since I've auditioned here in SMEntertainment. I was too excited back then to participate their upcoming auditions in Seoul. It's like for the first time, Me, Luhan, will become a part of the industry. I thought it would be fun.

But I've realized I should be contented with what I have. Being with the group is fun. But being with this company isn't fun. I tried my best to cram myself in this company and with the group since I was knew to the industry. But it seems like in the very first place, The company has their eyes on me. I think they already knew that I'm a fearless guy who can bring their company down. And maybe that's the reason they kept an eye and watched my behavior.

It's been a year since I've joined here. A year before there was no problems. 

I went inside the conference room where the staffs located and I asked them where the CEO is. They told me he left for a vacation already and he will be back next week. I just wanted to say sorry because of what I did last time. Even though I don't want it I should say sorry so that he won't be keeping an eye on EXO and so that he would treat them right. It's okay if I would got a salary lower than theirs. I don't care as long as he would treat them right. 

I am on my way to my doctor. In this past few weeks I've been experiencing sudden gasps of breath even though I'm not that tired. I've been seeing abnormalities from my body. I find hard to breath and I'm easily get weak. Mom said I got skinny when she look for my previews on social networking sites. I said I'm okay but now I'm starting to worry about my health.

I've reached the hospital and I saw many people noticed me. I beg them not to posts pictures publicly or just hide it. I don't want fans to get worried. I told them that I was just visiting something. "You look pale!" A fan told me. She gave me a stuffed toy. "I'm okay." I answered.

"Mr. Luhan!" My doctor exclaimed after I opened the door. "Is there something wrong? You look pale." I quickly took the chair and gasp. I rested my head on the wall as I become dizzy. "Hey. Are you okay?  Relax. I'm going to get some dipenhydramine."

....

Sehun.. I'm very sorry..

"NO."

White ceiling, tall white walls, and green curtains. What to expect. I'm in a hospital.
I've dreamed the worst dream I had. And I'm so nervous and scared that it might happened. I don't know why I've said those words. But I know I won't be apologizing if I didn't made anything wrong. My doctor rushed. "WHAT HAPPENED?!"

"I just dreamt of something."

"EXO?"

"Sort of..."

"You need to let go things if that wasn't for you kid. I have to tell you a story. I want to be an engineer when I was a child. But I gave up on it because I think it wasn't for me. I think it's not my choice. It's like it's not my style. I found a hard time being a doctor at first. I don't like blood. I don't like exploring things like the human body and sorts of medicines. But I suddenly got into it. It's like I didn't knew that I'm starting to like being here and working like this. Giving advice on their health. Sorry if my life . I'm a doctor not a life professor. If you still think of it, It's not how long you've been to reach you dreams. Destiny is a not a matter of chance. It's a matter of choice. It's not a taxi that will ask you what path you will go. You've got a lot of sickness. Sooner it might be harmful to your body. You need to stop. This is for EXO. 
Not being biased and letting you go. You need to think of it. It's not your fault but Youngmin ruins the whole company. It's okay to give up."

At some point I have realized that I have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop and let go. It's not like I'm giving up. It's not like I shouldn't go any further just because of this issue. It's just that I have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly mine will eventually be mine and what is not, no matter how hard I try, will never be. 
I only joined SM because of Sehun. But now there is something wrong with me. My only intention is to be with Sehun but now I forgot the real me. I abused myself too much. I've been desperated to see my bias. Should I call myself as a sasaeng? or I'm worse than them should I say?

I've had enough.

I'm not belong here.

I'm not belong in SM. But my family is EXO. 

Somehow I realized that being fanboy is fun. Not suffocating and no one will ever force you to do this or to do that besides your family. It's your choice to attend concerts, buy albums, and eat with your friends while your browsing and scrolling your twitter tlist. It's fun. It's fun to spazz on Sehun. It's fun to wait til midnight just to download the MVs. It's fun to be mad at slow internet connection. It's fun to stream. It's fun to have some time with my friends.

It's fun being an EXO-L. It's fun being in the KPOP world.

I want to do it once again.

I want to spazz on EXO once again. 

I want to go back where I should be.