“Just stop,” I say stepping away from Taejoon’s hand, I know I’m trembling, I know that I must be confusing my friend, but it hurts. “Don’t touch me please.” I murmur wrapping my arms around my chest and pulling myself closer together.

Everything had been alright, I’d been keeping myself together, I was able to bear with Taejoon seeing me as just a friend, and it’d been enough. Now though seeing him being a couple with Sohee, then him being so nice, but the stark difference of affection and the type of love he has for me and then for Sohee is painful. The realization I’ve been fighting against for so long now. Taejoon and I will never be together how I’ve dreamed of, no matter what I do or say, I’m still not what he wants, I’m still not going to be loved by him how I’ve loved him, and that pain is crippling. It’s antagonizing. I hate it. I hate myself for not saying something when I first realized my feelings. I hate that I still can’t seem to get over the fact that I’m still stuck on him, despite him unknowingly hurting me continually.

“Hanbyul, are you alright?” Taejoon asks hesitantly, I know if I look up I’ll see a worried face, I know that Taejoon is genuinely concerned for me, “Hanbyul?” He says softly as if trying to lure me in.

When I look up I let out a sigh and shake my head at him, I know by now everyone one is watching us, I know they must think I’m acting strange, that I’m not being myself, that maybe I don’t feel well. Honestly speaking though, I’ve been hurting; I’ve been hurting for a long time and I’m tired of it. I’m sick of feeling this stupid pang in my chest, tired of the imploding feelings I’ve kept in for all these years. My eyes dart to Jin and Joonyoung who have both moved in a little closer since my outburst. Taejoon has edged closer looking at me with worry. “Please stop,” I say trying very hard to keep my tears in. By this time Sohee and Solbi have both appeared by Taejoon, looking at me with equally bewildered expressions.

“Hanbyul, I’m worried, let me come closer.” Taejoon says wanting to step closer, but I hold my hand up to him telling him to stop, I look at my friends, and I look at Sohee feeling the immense sense of guilt that has built up in me over the years. “My Hanbyul, you look like you’re in pain.”

My eyes dart back to Taejoon. “Stop saying that, stop saying all of that, stop being so nice to me.” I say feeling my tears finally falling down my face. “I like you, I like you a lot, but every time you say or do something like that it feels good for a little, I feel happy, but then it hurts, it hurts a lot Taejoon, and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been silent about it for years and I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of being in love with you.” I say, my lips tremble as the words fall out of my mouth. I look to Sohee, feeling all the guilt finally crushing me. “I’m sorry.” I mutter trying to get a hold of myself.

Sohee shakes her head at me. “Don’t be,” She says looking at me as if waiting to see if it’s alright to come closer.

I look pass them at Joonyoung and Jin both watching me with worried expressions, Solbi looks the same, as though she’s on the edge of running over to me. I finally look back at Taejoon, he looks slightly shocked, I shake my head pursing my lips and taking a deep breath. “I feel so stupid for holding on, I feel stupid because you’ve been hurting me and I just continue to hold on and hope, and I’ve felt so guilty for being in love with you because you and Sohee are so good together, and I’m sorry for all that, but just I need to get out of here.” I say feeling more tears fall.

Joonyoung comes swooping in, placing an arm around me and leading me out of the room. “You’re so brave, you know that right?” Joonyoung says quietly to me. “You’re wonderful and I hope you see that.”

I shake my head denying the words that have been said, hating them because I don’t feel like I deserve them. “Will you just take me home, I want to sleep.” I mutter trying my best to keep it all in because I don’t want all of me exposed, I don’t all of me shown.

~~~

I watch as Taejoon tries to go after Joonyoung and Hanbyul. “Stop it,” Jin says fiercely and stepping in his way. “Don’t keep being nice to her like that, and stop saying ‘my Hanbyul’. You heard her right, you understood what she said. She likes you. She’s been in love with you.”

“Hanbyul is my friend, why would I just turn around and be a jerk?!” Taejoon says frowning. “I care about her.”

“Because that’s not how she takes it, that’s not how Hanbyul likes you.” Jin says firmly and angry, bitter almost. “Hanbyul is always going to be stuck liking you. You being nice to her only feeds her more false hope. You’re hurting her. I’m not going to stand it, not anymore.”

Taejoon glares at Jin angrily. “What would you know? How would you know anything about her? Hanbyul is hurt by knowing you! Your fans torment her! Besides you’re just an idol, how much could you really care for Hanbyul?” He asks spitefully.

Jin seems unaffected by the words said. “I care more for Hanbyul than you do. I always will care more, I’ll protect her.”

I grab Taejoon’s arm and shake my head. “She needs to get away for a little.” I say softly. “She’s my friend too, but if any one of us goes trailing after her Hanbyul will only be more upset.”

“Sohee,” Taejoon says frowning, he glance back to Jin and glares, I let out a long sigh and let go of him. “Then what do we do?”

Jin rolls his eyes. “You specifically leave her alone.” Taejoon tenses, his glare intensifying on him, though he doesn’t seem bothered by it. “You must have seen the way she looked at you, how she’d stop whatever she was doing no matter what just to be near you, to see you smile at her, to get you to say ‘My Hanbyul’.” Jin says after sighing. “I saw it as soon as you denied a relationship between her as anything more than just friends. I saw how much it hurt her; I’ve seen how much you’ve hurt her.”

I stop Taejoon from saying anything, I watch Jin carefully. “You’ve gotten really close to her. I was worried at first, just like I was about Joonyoung, but you’ve helped her more than Taejoon or I have been able to.” Jin’s eyes soften before he nods his head and he lets out a long sigh. “I know she’s really closed off and difficult to get to know, but I promise you that there is a beautiful and kind girl. I wish I’d been more perceptive to her pain, I suppose I wasn’t as good as a friend as I thought, but I care about her, I love her. Hanbyul is like a sister to me, I’ll leave her alone, and I’ll make sure Taejoon does too, but just let me know how she’s doing every once and a while.” I say knowingly. I’ve had the feeling that Jin cares for her more than for what he leads on.

~~~

I spend the next week closed off in my room, my apartment locked to keep everyone out.

I hate this. I’m still holding on. It’s like I can’t let go, even though I’ve finally said the words I’ve kept locked in my head for so long, I still can’t let him go. I still love him and it is slowly rotting away at me.

I elect to ignore the door bell, the phone calls, and texts that I’m currently being bombarded with. “You know, it’s kinda dangerous for me to wait out in the hall right?” Jin says when I finally can’t stand my phone going off and answer.

Getting up I quickly walk the short trek through my apartment and let Jin in. “Sorry,” I mutter feeling the immediate need to clean myself up. I leave Jin in my living room as I head to do just that. I take a shower, not short, and brush my teeth, brush my hair, and get dressed.

“You take longer than all of the boys and I combined, you know that?” Jin says jokingly as I finally emerge from my bedroom, dressed in black skinny jeans and a black shirt. “Black kind of day?” He questions when I simply shrug my shoulders in response.

“I guess. I grabbed the first things I saw.” I explain while sighing. “Just happened to be black,” I say indifferently.

“You know,” Jin says slowly while frowning. “It’s okay to close yourself off like this and everything, but I’m not going to let you do this alone.” Jin says firmly. “Now we’re going to go out for coffee, tea in your case, and just get some fresh air.”

“Starting small,” I say quietly following Jin along willingly.

My friend smiles at me in that proud sort of way. “I thought you’d put up a big fight, but then again I suppose that really isn’t your style.”

“No, it’s not.” I declare calmly as I pull on a pair of TOMs. “Let’s get this over with, I miss my bed already.” I whine slightly as I follow Jin out, stumbling slightly from the step, something I’ve managed to forget about in my time cooped up.

Jin doesn’t pester me about how I feel; he doesn’t talk about my birthday at all. Instead he mentions things that Bangtan are up to, the music that they’re making, how much he’s looking forward to the days to come for him.

“I’m excited for you,” I say stopping by a flower shop, well the one I actually work at. I glance at the flowers in front of the shop. “I’ve always loved flowers.” I say quietly as I kneel down to smell some of them.

“What’s your favorite flower?”

I smile thoughtfully as I consider this. “Violets,” I say in quiet voice. “They’re pretty.” I say as I stand. I’m thankful for this outing; I feel better feeling the sun on my face, moving around even if I’m still likely to trip. “You’re really good for me.” I say after a moment as we continue to walk on.

“Sometimes, I kinda wish those pictures wouldn’t have came out with us, your life kinda was invaded by mine.” Jin says with a guilty tone. “I mean you had this nice paced life, calm and all of that, school, classes, friends, you had a set pace. Then I come in and it kinda gets turned upside down.”

“I don’t mind, besides, Joonyoung and I already talked about this,” I say delicately. “Joonyoung says I probably realized what exactly I was getting into when I decided to become friends with you, I’d known the risks, the ones you told me about, and the ones that we didn’t really discuss. I agree I knew exactly what could happen and I decided to pursue the adventure including you all the same.” I say pleasantly. “Don’t sound guilty, I may not like the attention, but it’s alright. I’m okay.” I tell him honestly.

Jin walks closer to me. “Joonyoung gave me some advice.”

“It’s probably good advice.” I say easily when Jin doesn’t continue on with the thought. “If you’re wondering if it’s valid, I’d probably go with it. Joonyoungie is pretty good at giving advice, just be sure to take it.” I say feeling a pang. “I didn’t listen.”

“About Taejoon…” Jin says slowly.

I nod my head. “Joonyoung brought up how bad my feelings are for me. I just, I still can’t really let go yet, I’m not even sure why. I want to, but it’s like they’re still latched on to me, I know feelings don’t just disappear and turn off or on when you want to, they fade.” I mutter giving a shaky breath. “I want to let go, so why can’t I?” I ask Jin feeling tears spring to my eyes and hating it. “I want to so badly, but I still feel like I’m waiting for Taejoon to come in and fix the whole mess, to hold my hand and make everything okay, like he did in high school.” I say stopping to wipe my eyes.

Jin simply pulls me into an ally and hugs me tightly to his chest. “Letting go isn’t a quick thing either Hanbyulie.” Jin says affectionately. “It is work, it’s hard, but I’m sure when it’s said and done you’ll be ready for whatever happens next.” He says in a very soothing tone while running his fingers through my hair.

As Jin slowly tugs his fingers through my hair I feel my heart speed up, I feel something in me well up and calm me down from my outburst. It’s another one of those moments I rather not admit how nervous Jin makes me, how something unfamiliar flutters inside me.

Another chapter I've had parts typed out for months ahead of time.
Anyways I hope you guys enjoy.
Till next update my ducks c: