Solbi and Sohee have been staying with me since the article came out three days ago, Joonyoung comes by and hangs out, Jin calls and texts to check in on me quite regularly, and Taejoon hasn’t said word about the news, in fact he hasn’t said a word to me since he dropped me off after we went to the movies. I stare at my phone willing for my best friend to call me or to send me a simple and supportive text. “Sohee,” I say quietly from my spot on the couch, I keep my eyes on my phone completely convinced that Taejoon wouldn’t just stop talking to me now.

“Something up?” Solbi asks poking head out as she and Sohee have been in the kitchen making dinner. “Why are you staring at your phone?”

Sohee lets out a small sigh. “He’s just a bit angry.” She says gently, knowingly. “He’ll come around. Taejoon loves you.” She says easily.

I frown not able to understand why Taejoon would be angry. “Did I do something wrong?” I ask worriedly. “Is it because I’ve been spending so much time with Jin and Joonyoung?” I ask biting my lip feeling like crap for forgetting that Taejoon might be hurt by me not spending time with him.

Joonyoung comes back from his run to the grocery store to grab some noodles and grapes, grapes by my request, noodles by Solbi’s. “Here, Sohee wash theses grapes and get the noodles in the pot of water, it is ready right?” Joonyoung says handing her two bags, his attention no doubt already back to me. He’s been extremely attentive to me since the article came out. Joonyoung is convinced I’m going to have some kind of mental break because of everything that is going on because of it.

“Sure thing,” Sohee says getting up. I continue to stare at my phone unsure if I should maybe text or even venture a call to Taejoon myself, though if he is angry with me he might not pick up.

Joonyoung takes a seat next to me and knocks the phone off the table, stopping me with his arm from catching it. “He’s being a selfish .” He says in his usual distasteful tone. “Even Sohee thinks so, why do you think she’s here and not with that idiot?” Joonyoung says.

I frown and feel a quick flash of anger, though it goes quickly. “But I’ve been busy, I hadn’t thought about how Taejoon would feel!” I point out guiltily. I haven’t been the good friend to him that I’d always had been in the past.

“Just like how Taejoon considers your feelings? Hanbyulie, he’s being an .” Joonyoung says again. “Let him throw his little self-pity party. You have a few more pressing issues. Like the fact that there is a group of girls in the Literature Department starting an anti-club for you, or that there is an online movement for Jin to stop seeing you because you’re not good enough for him, Hanbyulie, I know you don’t like to show how much you hurt, and that you hate to focus on you, but I think you should start being a bit more selfish about you and care more about you personally.”

I look away from my phone lying on the ground and up and Joonyoung. “What exactly am I supposed to do? It’s not like I can make people like me, I barely made it out of high school with Sohee and Taejoon, and I barely made friends with you and Solbi. Let’s face it I’m not exactly the most likable person.”

“That is a load of bull and you know it.” Joonyoung says angrily. “Why the do you not see how much people like you? Yeah some people and petty and basically , but they aren’t the ones that matter. Hanbyul all of that goddamn group likes you, Bangtan whatever,”

From the kitchen we can hear Solbi mutter “Boys, what’s so hard about that last word?”

“As I said, whatever their name is,” Joonyoung says irritably. “They like you. Taejoon is a little that can’t get over that you’re finally opening up to more people and yeah it is a slow process but you’re making new friends without any of us having to be there to introduce you to them. You’re making friends willingly. Hanbyul let that little mope and do whatever things he wants to do. Because I can guarantee you that no matter what I refuse to let you think you’re worthless.”

“Us too,” Sohee and Solbi say from the kitchen door, I glance back at them sighing heavily. It isn’t even the whole thing about Jin that’s upsetting me, it’s that Taejoon hasn’t come by, he isn’t here. Sohee lets out a long sigh as she walks over with Solbi. “Taejoon is adjusting to sharing you.”

“See, he’s a selfish prick.” Joonyoung says in his crass way of communicating. Sohee chuckles at said statement.

“Look, I know you two are incredibly close, but I think Taejoon is seeing for the first time you having more friends, you and Joonyoung are close now too, more so than you and Taejoon I bet.” She sighs again, “For a long time it had always been you and Taejoon, but now it’s you and Joonyoung, you and Jin, you and other people. Hanbyul, it’s good for you to have more friends like you’re making.” Sohee says gently and in a very motherly kind of way.

“All we want is for you to be happy Hanbyul.” Solbi says cheerfully. “I know that all this nonsense from people that don’t even know you will blow over and when it does you’ll be stronger. Besides you have us, and when Taejoon gets over it, him too.”

I consider this for a moment, what if he doesn’t get over it? Have I betrayed my friend? The first person that took the time to get close to me, what do I do if Taejoon never comes back around? “Hey, stop ing blaming yourself.”

“Stop swearing so much.” Solbi says to Joonyoung. “Jeez, how have you not gotten told off for your language?”

“Hey, it calms her the down. She was practically catatonic, Solbi.” Joonyoung argues back shrugging off her simple question. The two go back and forth, Joonyoung progressively swearing more and Solbi getting a bit more irritated.

“Would you two quit it?” Sohee says while taking a seat next to me. “Joonyoung continue what you were saying while Hanbyulie isn’t overthinking things.” I know what she means, but at the same time I hate that I’m so spacy, maybe if I paid more attention I’d have realized Taejoon was hurting from me not paying attention to him.

Joonyoung glances at me; he takes one look at me and wraps his arms around me. “God, Hanbyul, look. You’re allowed to care about yourself; you’re allowed to admit you’re a great person. And if you ing keep blaming yourself I swear I won’t leave you alone ever. I’m so tired of you beating yourself up over things that shouldn’t matter. You’re a great girl and hell you’re good looking, you’re cute and I ing dare you make that ty face, make it and I’ll drag you shopping.” Joonyoung threatens. “You have to stop hating and bring yourself down; I hate to see you like that. We all do.”

I let out a sigh as I wrap my arms around my friend. I don’t say anything as Joonyoung continues on with his speech about how I’m a good person despite my lack of attention sometimes. I pay attention to how tightly my friend is holding me and how angry he sounds that I don’t put enough value in my own self.

It isn’t lost on me, I do understand what my friend is saying, that I do matter and that how I feel about Taejoon is poisoning me, it is hurting me more to stay and trying to be the best friend when what I want is to be what he and Sohee are. I feel a crack of pain shoot through me at the thought, I feel guilty about wanting it, I feel bad, but at the same time I’m not sure how to let go even though I know I should.

“All right dinner is ready,” Solbi says softly, Joonyoung’s been rocking me back and forth not saying a word. “Sohee and I have night shifts at the hospital in about an hour, Joonyoung’s going to stay here, we’ll come by tomorrow.” Solbi says squeezing my hand.

“No, you guys should get some rest at your own place. I’ll be fine.” I tell them taking a deep breath and forcing myself to get up out of Joonyoung’s arms. While I know I won’t be, I also know that Joonyoung won’t leave me alone tonight since I need a friend, but it isn’t like I can exactly get what I want to say off my chest with Sohee here. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want her to know that I’ve been in love with her boyfriend for years now.

“I’ll stay with her; we can all hang out in a couple days.” Joonyoung says getting up from the couch, picking my phone up off the ground as a call comes in, “It’s Jin, Hanbyul.”

I hold my hand out and smile at my friends, “See, I’ll be fine, you guys don’t have to put everything on hold, besides I’m sure things have calmed down enough for me to at least go on a walk.” I say smiling. It feels good to mean what I’m saying, to smile because it’s a real one.

“You should pick up,” Sohee says worriedly, she and Solbi edge towards the door slowly. “Hanbyul, we’ll drop by later tomorrow, we’re going to worry even if you smile.” Sohee says smiling at me.

“We’re friends, so it’s kinda just one of those things.” Solbi says grinning at me. “Aigo, you’re so strong.” She says nodding for me to answer.

“Hey Jin,” I say feeling slightly relieved. “What’s up?” I ask as I walk my friends to the door, both girls leave waving as they go. I stay in the entry hall for a moment trying to gather my thoughts on everything.

I hear him chuckle slightly. “You sound better, not as worried when I called yesterday.” Jin says sound extremely relieved. “Are you eating soon?” He questions me.

“Yeah, Solbi, Sohee, and Joonyoung made dinner,” I answer walking back in smiling as Joonyoung sets up dinner for us. “How about you, are you doing ok?” I ask worriedly as I take a seat at the table.

Jin sighs a bit heavily, I know that this trip is wearing him down, that being away like this is hard for him, that he misses his family and the friends he has here, that he’s worried about me since that article came out. “It’s easier during the day or when we’re filming.” Jin says finally. “Things have been really busy too, the guys and I are kinda shocked about the fans we have here in America.”

“You shouldn’t be,” I muse chuckling slightly. I hear people talking in the background in English and Korean, “We can talk when you’re not about to start filming.” I say amused as I hear Taehyung declare something strange in English.

“Alright, get some rest kay?” Jin says worriedly.

I shake my head slightly knowing that between the two of us the one that needs it more is him. “Same to you and don’t have too much fun over there in America.” I say smiling. Though honestly I have mixed feelings about hanging up, while part of me knows that we need to hang up the other part doesn’t want to. I miss Jin.

After hanging up I look over at Joonyoung sitting across from me. “Hanbyulie,” He says slowly watching me worriedly. “I think you should let Taejoon go.” He says slowly as I start eating. “I know you hate when I bring it up, but just after all this and seeing how much you’re hurting and knowing that I can’t really help at all…It’s like part of you just gave up.”

“Part of me gave up a long time ago.” I confess quietly. I look away from my plate and at a picture hanging up, one of Taejoon, Sohee, Solbi, Joonyoung and me. “I know I should let him go, I do know, but it’s like a huge part of me is just refusing to.” I say quietly. “I know it eats away at me, that it isn’t healthy, that eventually it will rip me apart, but I can’t just let go and turn those feelings off.” I admit aloud for the first time.

“I wish I could have saved you when you needed it, I wish I knew you back then,” Joonyoung says sighing heavily as I turn my attention back to him. “I feel a bit better knowing that you are aware what it’s been doing to you.” My friend says sighing at me. “That you aren’t denying how bad it is.”

“You save me from other things, things that are now.” I say smiling slightly. I look down at my plate before looking back up at Joonyoung. “I wish it’d been you back then too.” I say quietly. “But I’ll need to pick myself up on my own and move on.” I say frowning a bit sad at the thought.

“Look at you Hanbyulie, you’re all grown up.” Joonyoung teases me. On a more serious note Joonyoung looks at me, it isn’t his usual worried or mildly amused look, this one is pained. “It’ll be hard, but I think you’ve already started picking yourself up.” He says smiling a little at the end.

“You’ve stopped going to a ton of clubs and parties.” I point out to my friend. “You’ve stopped going out like that for a while now.” I say quietly.

Joonyoung smiles at me as brings his cup to his lips. After taking a few bites my friend lets out a sigh. “I have more fun hanging out with you.” He says simply. “Anyways eat your pasta before it gets cold.” He mutters shaking his head over at me.

I smile at Joonyoung; I have a lot of fun with him, even when he drags me to go shopping with him. I eat my dinner quietly. The two of us occasionally cracking jokes at each other. 

Hey guys, I know it has been a while!
Time has kinda gotten away from me. Anyways an update for you guys,
I'm planning for the next chapter to be a montage of Joonyoung's POV. ^^
Anyways let me know what you guys think!
Love you my ducks. <3