VIII. To Live Without You

 (Seohyun)

"I dream this carousel will stop,

And somehow I turn back the clocks,

To let him fill my heart again,

To let him kiss away this pain."

~ Lost Without Your Love (Amy Pearson)

Present: A few weeks before…

They say that the first thing we forget about a person we lost is their voice but it was never the case for me. Although I can only count on my hands the time we spent together, the memory of him set a perpetual place in my life—including his voice and everything else.

Seohyun…

Seohyun…

Seohyun…

His voice would play over and over my head as he spoke the name he had known me of.  Then, there was the gentleness of the way he would call me damsel or baby. Like snow exposed to the sun, I melt slowly consumed by his fiery feelings for me. Also, the sound of his voice when he was laughing hard; the sincerest expression of happiness I have ever heard.

Everything seemed to have been tattooed in me. The smell of his musky perfume would invade my senses at times and I would frantically look for him in the crowd. And then, my visual memory of him—his hair falling on his forehead; his toothy smiles and wicked grins; his bright eyes in the morning when he woke up and the passion I saw in them when we made love; his playful charms… everything about him.

I would always go back to that day I met him. Every conversation etched in my heart. I did memorize him—I memorized everything about him; his voice, his scent, his smile, his laughter, his nearness, his face, his skin, his touch, his kiss… the feeling of having him so close to me like we were one body not two.

After that rendezvous, no one else mattered. No one else can ever get close to me like he did. I never allowed anyone, for that matter. 

I succumbed to my memory of him.

When I put off the wedding, everybody seemed to have this inclination to fix me with someone. I always get that look from people that I should start dating because it’s just the most normal thing to do. The people who knew about my little ‘predicament’ thought I need someone new more than ever. They never knew that there was someone else I didn’t want to move on from. I shrugged off all the attempts because I have always hung on to the promise I made with someone who changed my life in a single moment.  It may even seem outrageous that until this time I am still hoping and praying.

I lost my chance just a year ago.

“I don’t do dates, Sica Unnie. Please cancel it… really… of all people you should know what I’'ve been through.” I frowned feeling the pain again; not exactly about the pain that I allowed my sister friend to know.

“Yah, Joohyunah, you still owe me tons! Remember that guy from Ilsan?! Oh my gosh, he was such a complete @ss!”

Jessica’s dulcet laughter made me smile but I rolled my eyes, “Yeah, I remembered and, for what it’s worth, I didn’t know that he’s married. He was like the first person I thought of when you were begging me for a blind date.”

“Fine! But this one, Joohyun… please, give it a try. He’s a nice guy. He’s my cousin for pete’s sakes! I won’t set this up if he’s a jerk.”

I rolled my eyes. The weird thing was that Unnie was really persistent about this one.  I was having headache already and I didn’t want to keep the conversation. Besides, one day won’t hurt. I sighed, “As long as you promise me you will stay with us.”

“I told you, I will only leave if you both like each other. Which I’m so sure you would!”

I doubt that, I told myself then muttered, “Just tell me the details.”

“Sure thing! I love you more for saying yes, Joohyun! You won’t regret this, I promise!”

I didn’t know it then, but the regret my friend told me of was entirely different from the regret I had.

“Ahhh… Joohyun, do you remember Son Dongwoon? He’s the son of my friend, you used to play together…”

I rolled my eyes and sighed when my mother suddenly mentioned that while I was having one of those moments of reminiscing about a certain blind date that gave me a newer reason to regret. My older sister chuckled and acted like she was gagging so Umma tsk-ed at us then reached out to squeeze my hand that was resting on the table, “Joohyuna, we are very worried about you. You should start meeting someon