III. Indifference

“What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?”

~Breakeven (The Script)

(Present)

The station is crowded. Angry passengers, impatient faces, and whatnots roam all around complaining about some situation that I don’t even bother knowing. I remain seated on the waiting area taking the time to watch the world go by in front of me. I arrive in Changwon to check out some properties around Gyeongsangnam-do for our firm.

I had apprehensions with the assignment since, for the past year, I have been avoiding that place.  It’s where she chose as her refuge away from the world and although there is a slim chance that we would see each other again, I don’t really want to take my chances anymore. Somehow I have grown this pathetic phobia of the possibility of meeting her again. It was never part of the images I pictured in my mind.

The year I spent waiting, imagining, skimming and dreaming of the day I would get to see her after a year of separation was like a fantasy. It was like I created this big bubble in my head that I thought was a balloon until it came exploding on me.

That one time really hurt me as much as I thought it would. I didn’t mean to but I fell in love with her helplessly and knowing that I didn’t really mean that much to her—and all those times we spent together— the life out of me.

However, I decided that there are some things that I must face eventually and I know that if she manages to be anywhere in my radius, I know she would be the one to run away—again. That is if we happen to meet.

I was told that I would be meeting a representative from the company who would show me around their properties. The list says three hotels, a lake resort and nature park, two restaurants and a coffee shop. It’s going to be a long day and I have been looking forward to taking the train and go back to my ordinary life.

The life I have right now consists of challenging myself through my work. My parents and even my closest friends are saying that I am wasting my life working my off putting aside the chance to finally snag a girl and build my own family. Having a family is not my priority, I lost sight of it a year ago and even dating doesn’t interest me that much.

Once again, I have to thank her for that.

After last year, I finally stop looking for her and I partially manage to avoid any thoughts of her. I sigh; thoughts like this will surely lead her back to me so I check the time. I arrived earlier than expected so I’m not bothered waiting there.

The crowd is getting thicker. Everybody seems to be talking at the same. An old couple sit beside me and the woman complains to her husband how late they will be for a lunch appointment in Seoul. I give the husband a sympathetic smile when he catches my eyes and shrugs at his wife who is obviously nagging him for something he has no power over with. My eyes scan lazily around, so many sights and colors and noise.

I stop when they fall on that familiar face. Blood rushes throughout my body. I am shaken; I don’t even have time to blink. There she is right in front of me—the woman I dreaded to see. Or the one I long to see.

This conflicting emotion is taking its toll on me.

She stops walking a few feet away when she sees me. Her eyes lock with mine.

I stand on impulse but I do not do more except look at her as she looks back at me. It’s as if I’m waiting for her to run away now that she sees me.

I am waiting. She should be running. She should be walking away like she did before but instead she takes a step and another one and another until I realize she is walking towards me.

And now, she’s there in front of me with a mere five feet or so of air between us. I feel trapped despite being on a very open space. My clothes are choking me. My heart is beating fast and I feel like I just lost my faculty to think.

“Hello, Jung Yonghwa-ssi?”

My phantom asks with a friendly smile.

“I am Seo Joohyun, it’s nice to finally meet you.”

She extends her hand but I remain still until she withdraws and continues. I’m puzzled for a moment as she bows ignoring my indifference. It’s probably crass not to accept the handshake but I’m taken by surprise and I can't really decide if I'm ready to hold her hand.

She is there—right there.

And, she told me her name.

“I was sent by the company to accompany you for the site inspection today.”

The woman continues but I feel like her words are meaningless. Nothing seems to matter but her nearness, the sight of her and all the other overwhelming feelings inside my chest. She starts to walk and I walk beside her but I keep my distance.

“Did you have a good trip?”

“Yes…”

“I emailed you the copy of the itinerary and the other documents.”

“Yeah…”

I can feel her throwing glances at me as she tries to engage me on a conversation. I guess I am still too shocked to reply properly.

“I had trouble parking so I guess we need to walk for a bit.”

“That’s okay…” I say but I notice her speed lessen that I end up stopping on my track when she makes an abrupt stop. She looks at me—those pools that were once the object of my wildest dream are watching me. For a moment, fierceness glimmers on those eyes but her expression softened. I notice how she clasps her hands together like she was nervous or scared of something.

Am I scaring her?

“I know this might be awkward for both of us but right now I am just a mere employee following orders. I am just doing my job.”

She says softly but turns away after she spoke.  I clench my fist as I watch her back. How can she take this lightly while I am fighting this internal storm? The day has just started and how much more can I take after this? I keep up with her when she stops in front of her car and unlocks the door.

“Did you know that it was me they sent?” I manage to ask before she can get in.