A/N: You might need tissue for this

XIV. This Kind Of Pain

“Stay with me,

Or watch me bleed,

I need you just to breathe.

Cause today, you walked out of my life…”

~Like A Knife (Secondhand Serenade)

Present (Seohyun)

When we feel like we are not hurting as much anymore, sometimes it doesn’t really mean that we are over that pain. Sometimes, it can only mean that we just got used to that existence of pain inside us. The feeling is like having a broken bone and winter is coming. The broken bone is in you all year long but come winter or even a rainy day—it tingles, it hurts.

It’s there to remind you of its existence.

I was reminded of my ‘broken bone’ on a fair summer’s day when the wind was blowing even and the sky was laden with blue. Ironic to say the least. I was reluctant with that meeting for the obvious reasons that I didn’t want to date or even go out. But then again, there was something more. I had this inkling inside me that I could not really put a finger on. Nevertheless, I went to the meeting place because I didn’t want to disappoint my unnie.

The café she chose was a short walking distance from my office so I took the time to idly stroll in case I would come earlier than them. I checked myself on the mirrored wall before pushing the door open. I looked around instinctively until I spotted Jessica Unnie at the far end of the place.

 I smiled when she stood and waved at me, “Joohyun, here!”  

The man had his back on me but he stood when Unnie did. Taking a few more steps, feeling my nerves palpitated weirdly, I took a heavy breath. The man turned. I stopped dead on my track. His eyes widened, his lips parted.

How long has it been?

It felt so long ago but now, all of a sudden, time stood still. I took a step back. Everything around me seemed to disappear from view and all I could see was him. ‘Not this time’, I told myself.

Not this time.

Only when the summer breeze hit my face and the sounds of cars skidding through the road that I realized I went out of the café in a rush. I put my hand on my chest as if making sure I was still alive. I took heavy breaths from my mouth and shut my eyes tight for a second to stop my mind from spinning in a dizzying speed. Suddenly, a warm touch wrapped on my wrist and I look up only to meet those eyes again. My heart got stuck in my throat.

“Seo Joohyun…”

My name on his very lips.

‘Not this time.’

“I…”

“Seohyun, I—”

My head shook. My tears fell. My body quivered.

“I can’t do this…”

~~~

He turns away and starts to walk. My heart is dying with every step he takes. I hurt him so much—I hurt us so much. Not again. I cannot do that again.

My legs bring me closer to him and my arms wrap around his waist. I bury my face on his back and shake my head, “No… don’t please…” He groans but I just rub my face on his shirt like crazy. I cannot let him go again. Not without him knowing.

His nearness— the absence of distance between us. I breathe in his scent, the one I longed to feel again. His shirt wet with my tears but I don’t care anymore. I miss him. I miss him so much and it still hurts.

I miss us.

“I have always wanted to do this. To be this close to you again…” I hear myself say. I deserve it, everything that he said about me because I hurt him. But I loved him, I love him. I cannot tell him that because I am afraid it would make him even madder.

I love him.

“How have you been, Oppa? Is life treating you well? Life has been better for me, but I have this hole in me… Oppa. Are you happy?” The tears fell uncontrollably now. I can hardly speak but words just flow out like my tears, “I am not… I want to be… can we be happy?”

I cry so much. Like a kid in deep anguish frustrated by the feeling and she doesn’t even know where it was coming from, she just cries and cries. I am that kid. My heart just feels so heavy; my body is just shivering as I hold on to him. I embrace him so tight afraid that he would just disappear from me again. I love him but I cannot undo what I did.

Suddenly, his hands touch mine but panic crawls over when he gently pulls them away. Then he turns to me. I wipe my face with my hands and my arms and run them on the hem of my skirt. His eyes are piercing at me like he doesn’t know what to do with me. His hands fist on his sides and his jaws are clenched.

For a moment, I feel scared and I get even more when he clears his throat and announces, “I can take it from here. Thank you, Joohyun-ssi for the time…”

“T-There’s…” I start to panic, he cannot just leave. Not now. “There’s another place I want to take you to.”

He takes a quick look around, “I guess my work here is done… we’ve covered everything on the itinerary.”

I shake my head vigorously, “No… one last…” He studies me long and hard. I find myself gripping my hands tightly, “P-Please… after this… I-I won’t bother you anymore. Please,” I swallow the bitter taste in my mouth and he nods. I take a deep sigh.

The drive is even more painful. He is there sitting beside me again so close that it makes me shiver. Whatever happens today, I will leave it to fate. I remember that day he told me about collateral damage. Unknowingly, he is that to me—my collateral damage, the victim of my mess. Right now, I am trying to fix the mess that I did to him. God, I can only wish that it is not too late.

I could have changed the course of our lives even before. There were just so many things that I could have done and I’ve learned from all of them. So right now, I don’t want to be