XVII. Here Is Where We Begin

“Let's take this chance don't think too deep
Of all those promises we couldn't seem to keep
I don't care where we go
Let's start from here”
 

~Let’s Start From Here (Joanna Wang)

PRESENT

(SEOHYUN)

Paranoia has been clouding my emotions and thoughts for the past week. The last time I heard from him was the morning I drove him to the train station. I remembered our conversation that night, the morning we woke up, the drive to the train station and when we were saying goodbye before he boarded the train. I am trying to remember anything that can give me any hint as to why I am standing here in front of my mirror alone, six days after that.

I shut my eyes tight. He never called. He never came back.

And it hurts so much.

I thought we were good. I thought we are finally taking another chance.

I thought he loved me. He said he did.

Focusing on my reflection, I grabbed a handful of tissue and wiped my eyes and blew my nose. I told myself to stop crying. Stupid concealer couldn’t even hide the puffy skin under my eyes. Sleeping had been a struggle for the past nights of waiting for him to knock on my door or even to that single phone call that could change our lives forever. But none came. I am still waiting but as days go by, I am feeling more and more nervous.

Some days I would find myself suddenly crying and feeling forlorn. Two days ago, I couldn’t get out of bed because I cried myself to sleep the night before. My body and whole being didn’t want to face the world. It was like a year ago all over again.

Suddenly, a soft wind blew and pushed off the curtains on the window. Hairs on my arms stood on their roots when the wind chime melodiously tingled when they were caressed by the wind.

Baby Yong.

I walked to the window and looked up at the chime and the sky behind it. Whenever the chime sounds I tell myself that it is the way my little angel communicates to me. It may sound absurd for others but this gives me comfort. I smiled brushing off the remaining tears. My baby doesn’t want me to be sad.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered softly with a little smile, “I will try to be okay today. I will try to be happy today, Yong.”

With renewed energy, I got ready for work and tried to keep my promise to my baby.

~~~

In the middle of the day, the acquisition and development team were called for an emergency meeting. I got nervous getting the heads up that we got the go-signal for the project we are working on not only for the obvious reasons but for the thought of seeing him again. Unless, he gets pulled out of the project, the chance of working with him is huge.

I walked in the conference room. Most of my staffs for the project were there and we were waiting for the director. I took my usual spot and skimmed through the documents we need to work on. The door opened again and we all stood as the director came in followed by someone I didn’t really expect to see that day.

My heart was doing somersaults and my stomach was in a crazy rollercoaster. His eyes found mine but I had that queasy feeling when it only took him a fraction of seconds to look at me. The director formally informed us that he was sent as the representative by their company to oversee the project. He would be working with us for the whole duration and he would even get his own office. The thought made me more nervous because he wasn’t even looking at me now that we would see each other every day at work.

What happened? Did he suddenly change his mind? Did he have a change of heart?

 My eyes were stingy and I couldn’t stop the drumming in my chest.

Was it a mistake to tell him that we needed to take some time off after that meeting?

Whatever happened to not giving up?

The meeting went on for another fifteen minutes and luckily I was not asked anything or else I would have just stared blankly at someone. I sighed when it was over and everybody was leaving the room one after the other.

I grabbed my folders and went on my way but I suddenly stopped when I saw him by the hallway talking with the director. His gaze lifted towards me and he gave me a small nod.

I resumed walking. The director went his way but he remained on the same spot looking at me. My heart was ready to pop out of my chest.

Maybe I should ask him why.

With small steps, I reached him but I continued walking and he walked beside me.

“H-hi…” I found myself saying in a tiny voice as I clutched the folders in my hands tightly.

 “Hey…”

He only said with his head focused in front of us. “H-How are you?” I asked again.

“Good… you?”

He finally looked at me and the eye contact made me stop on my heels, “I’m—I’m nervous.”

“Why?” He asked with that obvious curl on his lips.

Was he making fun of me? “You never called,” I gulped and regretted telling him the truth since he looked totally uninterested. Suddenly, I felt pissed more than sad, “You never picked up my calls.”

“I was busy.”

My jaw almost dropped and I didn’t know how to respond to that so I just nodded, “Oh… okay… anyway—”

“Look, I have to talk to Mr. Lee.”

His gaze darted past me and then back on his phone. I bit my inner cheeks and tried so hard to remain calm and composed until he looked at me again. For a moment, I saw his expression softened.

“We’re scheduled to go back to the lake resort after lunch, right?”

I nodded but I couldn’t remember if we were really. My mind has been floating the moment I laid eyes on him.

“Okay,” he smiled finally, “Maybe we can talk later?”

“Yeah, sure…” I replied back as he tilted his head a bit as if telling me he would be on his way and I nodded again. I was nervous, really nervous. It was like I know what he was going to say, the past didn’t matter after all. That what was said between us or even what happened were just probably part of his vengeance to what I did. The thought made me sick in the stomach.  I went straight to the restroom an