Kim Taeyeon run as fast as possible, her heart felt like dying from desperation. Everything is going to be ok, she said to herself. She bumped into different bodies but she barely felt the clash between them and her own. The lights in the street lit the way for Taeyeon who couldn’t stop thinking about getting to her destination.

‘Why didn’t he take a taxi, if he was drunk, why? Just- why?’  was on Taeyeon’s mind.

She kept running and she didn’t want to cry, she won’t, she won’t, no, no. Everything is going to be fine.  It’s a just a scare. She wants to believe that.

When she finally arrived at the hospital she unconsciously screamed asking where was the room, the place, wherever her brother, Jiwoong, was at.  Some people tried to calm her, telling her things that she didn’t even listen to, she only understood one thing, “He is at emergencies, I’ll take you there”.

She followed the nurse and when she was getting close to the emergency room she spotted two women, one of them, her mother, was crying, she was crying so hard it hurt Taeyeon.  ‘Don’t cry, mom, everything will be fine’ thought Taeyeon. The other woman, way younger than her mother, who is she? She was crying too.

“Mo-“

“Are you his girlfriend…?” her mother asked the unknown girl.

Taeyeon gave a short glance to the girl but she didn’t return it.

“Mom!” said Taeyeon when she was a few feet away from her sad mother.

The old woman turned to Taeyeon and she cried more when she stared at her. She held her, scared of seeing her fall.

“Tae, you’re finally here, your brother is still inside and I- I don’t, I just-“, Taeyeon hugged her mother, she felt her mom shaking, or was she? She could feel the fear. She was about to whisper a ‘don’t worry mom, everything will be fine’ when her father went out of the emergency room with his face red from the tears and a shocked gaze. He stared straight to Taeyeon. For some reason she felt the time slowed down.  She saw her dad lowering his head.

No.

Her dad hugged them.

No.

He hugged them really hard it almost felt like he was trying to hug himself.  The three of them were shaking.

“He couldn’t- He didn’t- he didn’t make it- I’m”, said Taeyeon’s dad between tears.

Taeyeon closed her eyes, she fell and she didn’t feel arms anymore. It was so cold, she touched the ground but she didn’t dare to open her eyes.

Cries from an unfamiliar voice filled the place along with her mother’s screams.

“Why?!  What did he do wrong?! God just tell me why are you taking him from me?!”

No. No. This isn’t real. Don’t open your eyes, Taeyeon said to herself, don’t open them. Please, don’t.

Another unknown voice, now from an old man filled Taeyeon’s ear. She heard loud and clear.

“The impact Jiwoong received in his head was really strong, the skull zone that was hit generated a hemorrhage… we really tried everything… and we’re sincerely so-“ .

Since Taeyeon heard weird noises and a lot of movement she had to open her eyes, she saw her mom hitting the doctor’s chest.  

“Mrs.  Please calm-“

Taeyeon’s dad was just standing there, not doing anything. She went to her mom to separate her from the doctor. When her mom finally stopped moving, Taeyeon stared the man in front of her. The doctor’s eyes were sad and pitiful. She felt the strongest pain she has ever felt in her whole life.

 

She accepted it.

 

 

 

Her brother was dead.

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was a thing that looked like a clock hanging on the wall in front of her. Adjusting her eyes to the light, she tried to see what time it was.  4AM. Taeyeon wondered when she fell asleep.

Her head felt heavy, and her eyes hurt.

4AM.

Taeyeon realized it’s been five hours. She moved and she felt a strong pain on her back, sleeping on a chair isn’t a good thing at all. Taeyeon wondered how she even fell asleep with everything going on.

Maybe her mind wanted to forget about everything for a moment.

She turned her head to the right side and saw her parents staring at the same place with a lifeless expression. She closed her eyes for a few seconds and when she opened them, her eyes followed the stare of her parents.

 

Jiwoong.

Jiwoong was on the bed. 

Taeyeon felt her eyes water as she recalled the moment when her parents and her went inside the emergency room and cried together while holding her brother’s hand. They stayed there, looking at him like he was going to disappear any minute.

‘You said you didn’t drink anymore, Jiwoong’.

 

The headache was too much for her and she needed to get out before she banged her head on the wall.

 

“Mom, dad… I’m going for coffee, do you wa- ? Taeyeon said to her parents with a weak voice, she could barely hear herself. She wanted to ask them if they wanted coffee, if they wanted anything, if they could hug her forever-

“It’s ok, don’t worry”, said her mother without looking at her, cutting her only daughter’s thoughts.

Taeyeon stood up, she glanced at Jiwoong, lowered her head and reached to the door.  When she closed it from outside she breathed deeply. Even if the white walls and the hospital smell were making her head hurt, she felt slightly better.

She wondered where the coffee machine was, was it right on the main hall? Does she need to go upstairs? Or maybe-

 

The girl.

 

The girl from earlier, Jiwoong’s… girlfriend?, was in front of her. She was sitting on the floor with her arms holding her knees while her dark and messy hair covered her face. Taeyeon couldn’t see her eyes but she didn’t look like she was sleeping. It was a sad sight.

 

Taeyeon went upstairs looking for the hot drinks machine. She felt stares on her but she didn’t care enough to tell the people to stop. She just wanted to ignore everything that could make her feel angrier with life. She took two cups.

When she was at emergencies again her eyes went straight to the girl on the floor.

Taeyeon knew she isn’t good with this type of stuff but she felt like she needed to do it.

“Umm… I brought you a cup… umm, it’s hot chocolate since I didn’t know if you liked coffee, uh”.

Taeyeon felt really awkward saying that. Trying to be nice would have been easier if the situation was different. A part of her just wanted to lock herself in her room so she didn’t have to talk to anyone, not even to her parents. The other part of her knew in moments like this you need company, and just seeing the girl there alone played something on her heart.

The girl finally lifted her head and stared at Taeyeon with confusion. Her eyes were red and Taeyeon thought that they probably reflect her own. She looked lost; she probably didn’t understand what was going on, her expression made Taeyeon smile. It was a little and a sad smile but after all it was a smile, her first in these more than five hours.

“Here. Chocolate”, Taeyeon sat down and looked at her with the smile, the girl kept staring at her and after a while she finally smiled, it was a similar to Taeyeon’s smile.

“Thank… you”, said the girl looking into her eyes.

Yeah, it was only similar, according to Taeyeon, the girl’s smile was prettier.

 

 

“What’s your name?” asked Taeyeon after a few minutes. Taeyeon wondered if she was older than her.

“Tiffany, Hwang Tiffany”, said the girl, that now has a name, after sipping a little of her hot chocolate.

She isn’t from here?

 “Tiffany…” said Taeyeon with a weird pronunciation, “I’m Taeyeon… uh… Jiwoong’s younger sister”

“Yes, I know, He told me about you… he has shown me pics of his family” said Tiffany with a little smile staring at nothing.

Taeyeon nod her head staring at nothing too, after sipping a little from her coffee, she asked, “Were you his girlfriend…?”

Tiffany said ‘yes’. Taeyeon was sipping her coffee while she listened to her. She told Taeyeon she was from the States, she was 24 (her same age) and she came to Korea because of her dad’s work. She dated Jiwoong for 5 months but they could barely meet. She called him today since she wanted to tell him something important, they didn’t talk and she was fearing that maybe, that maybe the sound of the call distracted him and maybe, just maybe-“

“No”, Taeyeon cut her words, “the analysis… he was drunk”.

 She looked right into Tiffany’s eyes and she wanted to say ‘it wasn’t your fault’ but she also didn’t want to say that it was Jiwoong’s fault. She left it there.

 

 

“What did you need to tell him?” said Taeyeon realizing how robotic she sounded, lifeless, just like her parents.

She wanted to drink more of her coffee but she already finished it. She stared at her empty cup while moving it with her fingers in circular motions.

She was waiting for Tiffany’s answer but it never came. She wondered if it was a bad thing to ask.

 

 

Silence.

 

 

Silence between two hurt people staring at nothing in particular and not thinking at all. It wasn’t uncomfortable, maybe it wasn’t because they shared pain for the same reason. Taeyeon sighed. The headache was coming back, just like her memories.

 

Taeyeon said after a while, “Umm… I need your address, I think it’s necessary for you to be in the… in the fu-“, her tongue didn’t let her say that word. It was stuck there.

Taeyeon stared at the white walls and she felt sick, ing hospital. The headache was definitely back.

She turned her head to Tiffany because she still was quiet and she saw her staring at her with a surprised expression.

“Thank you” finally said Tiffany with a low voice and Taeyeon put her cellphone on Tiffany’s left hand telling her to write her address on ‘notes’.  

Taeyeon stared at her while she was using her phone.

"Here it is", said Tiffany after some minutes, startling Taeyeon who was still lost in her thoughts, and with an unexplainable look. She gave back the cellphone to her and when she finally had it on her hands, she understood. What she asked to Tiffany made her feel part of them, of this, of Jiwoong, somehow.

Taeyeon stood up, she threw the empty cup on the trash close to them and she said goodbye to Tiffany.

“I have to go back… go home and sleep, you’re going to get a cold if you stay here”.

Taeyeon got close to the room where her family was, but she didn’t open it. She stood there, in front of it, thinking about something. Hand on the knob. 

Tiffany should be able to see him too.

Taeyeon wanted to let Tiffany get inside with her, but with her parents there… it really wasn’t a good moment.

Still… it wasn’t fair to Tiff-

“Wait!”

Taeyeon turned her head towards Tiffany, a little startled by her loud voice.

“Yes?” said Taeyeon gently.

Tiffany stared at her and Taeyeon felt that the girl still sitting on the floor wanted to tell her something. She barely knows her, but she just felt it.

“Thanks again… for the chocolate, I don’t really drink coffee”, said Tiffany with a sincere smile on her face.

Taeyeon was surprised. She still thinks there’s something more in what Tiffany wanted to say, however, hearing her say that made her feel a little glad, for a second she forgot about the white walls and the hospital smell.

 

“It’s ok”.

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

She is 24; Taeyeon felt she was still too young to be living this. She knows worst things happened to younger people but that didn’t change the fact that she still couldn’t believe this was happening to her. To her family.

Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends and people she had never seen (friends of her parents and her brother) crying on the same place. ‘Poor kid he was too young’, ‘He was too careless’, ‘He is with God now’ were things Taeyeon kept hearing, Taeyeon agreed with some, others not so much.

 She didn’t want to talk with anyone, she kept everything to herself, her parents were the same. The three of them were most of the time in silence.

The time has come. Taeyeon watched how her dad and her brother’s friends put the coffin in the big hole. How the thing was getting buried. Her uncle kept talking about her brother but she wasn’t listening, lost in her own thoughts. She kept looking at the coffin, the coffin that had the body of the person she used to jokingly pinch, the body of the person she used to hug in rare moments. A part of Taeyeon wished she had pinched him less and hugged him more, but the other part knew they didn’t need to be affectionate to show how much they loved each other.

‘Jiwoong oppa, you have hurt us...  But I can’t be angry with you. You can see us, right? Do you hear me? I miss you’.

Taeyeon closed her eyes but that didn’t stop the tears already falling on her face. She opened them and she noticed someone on the other side, in front of her.

Tiffany.

She was wearing a big black coat, her hair in a ponytail and her eyes locked on the coffin getting buried, unaware of anything else.  It seems like she felt someone was staring at her because she lifted her head and stared right into Taeyeon’s eyes. Both of them smiled the same sad but kind of warm smile from yesterday.

 

‘Tiffany is here, but you already know that, right?’

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

An hour later, everyone except her parents and her left the place. Her mother has been standing right in front of the grave for 40 minutes.

Taeyeon sighed.

“Mom, it’s going to rain”.

“Just a little longer”, said her mom with a motherly tone.

Taeyeon rubbed her hands, it was really cold and she just wanted to go home, get between the sheets and stay there for a long long time. She didn’t live with her parents but she didn't want to leave the place without them. She also didn’t bring her car.

She heard her dad say he was going to get her mom’s coat that was on the back seat of his car. Before she could answer him he was already far away, he probably needed time for himself.

She leaned against the tree as she looked the whole place. The cemetery was filled with green everywhere, many graves, hundreds of names. 

Taeyeon said to herself that it probably was a good place to be buried.

She laughed a little, amused by her stupid thoughts. She tried hard to not cry and kept watching everything.

The sky was dark; in front of her were big trees, in the distance, there was a girl-

 

What.

 

She kept staring there, where the girl was. She had a black coat, hair in a ponytail…

 

 

Tiffany.

 

She stopped leaning on the tree and went to her mother.

“Mom, I’ll be right back, I’m just going to talk with, uh, Jiwoong’s girlfriend”.

“What?”

“The girl from the hospital”

 

 

“Don’t take too long”.

Taeyeon patted her mother’s shoulder; she left her and walked to the biggest tree.

Tiffany wasn’t hiding anymore but she looked… weird. Taeyeon wondered why she was acting like that.

“Tiffany, what’s wrong?” Taeyeon asked to Tiffany when she was right in front of her, but that's such a stupid question, Taeyeon thought.

She touched her arm and continued, “You know you can get close, I told you to come, you don’t have to hide”.

Tiffany looked up.

“Please, my parents might have not said it but they don’t have any problem with you, it’s fine”, finished Taeyeon.

 

“Tae-Taeyeon, I have- I have something to tell you. It’s important”

 

Silence and stares. It felt like hours to Taeyeon as she was waited for Tiffany to say what she needed to say. She was staring at her right into her eyes, unconsciously squeezing the arm that she was still holding. Suspense doesn’t go well with her when it happens in real life.

 

“The important thing that I needed to tell to Jiwoong…”

 

 

Come on.

 

 

Come on!

 

“It’s hard, but I just-“

 

“What?!” said Taeyeon while shaking Tiffany.

 

“I’m pregnant”

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon released Tiffany’s arm and dropped hers.

 

She was silent. She couldn’t say anything.  Do these things really happen in reality? Taeyeon wondered. Yesterday and today, how can all of this be real?

 

She stopped thinking when she felt something on her face. It was a raindrop. She came to her senses and the first thing she saw wasn’t Tiffany, but the black coat she was wearing. Her eyes locked to the three buttons on her abdomen, her brain moved her right arm and she gently touched them with her cold and wet hand.  Her breath accelerated. She lifted her head and saw Tiffany’s soaked face. It wasn’t only rain.

 

Tiffany’s sincere eyes made her understand.

 

Beyond those three buttons was something new, a part of Tiffany, a part of Jiwoong.

 

 

 

Then, yes.

 

 

 

This was real.

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