Winter

 

 

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No season quite excites the senses as winter does. Winter is that time of the year when the edges of the world are dark and faded, when boundaries become blurred and are not so definite. It is when each and every becomes rather weary, and a tired place that resides in the back of the mind starts to slumber. Winter represents the quiet falling of the snow as it drifts with no purpose, (almost lazily) shadows in some way the pavement white and settles down to peace; when even crows hold their silence as the universe ceases to whisper and breathe. Chronos slows his ever-march and the hourglass sands trickles no more. Then, at last, the season is truly underway, and a great period of resting commences.

 

This Luhan thinks to himself as he steps down the blank sidewalk and listens to the subtle shifting of the snow beneath his feet. The Christmas lights are quite beautiful and illuminate the deep blue concealed within the frosted icicles. He would be quite content, in fact, to live his life in the winter forever, if it were not for the fact that he always feels a little blue when the season comes around. It isn’t something he can explain, but-

 

There is something important about winter, something he is forgetting.

 

Luhan sighs and watches his breath cloud up into a pearly mist. He lets the hunch go, reasoning that it must be something left over from a dream, or his imagination perhaps. He glances down at his watch and realizes with a slight jolt that the night is no longer new and it is time to head back home.

 

-

 

Luhan slides his silver key into the matching lock and turns, hearing the sharp click of the catch’s release. He smiles at the Christmas lights that adorn his house one last time (Luhan really likes Christmas lights, he’s not entirely sure why, but he put those up himself), and then stamps his boots into the welcome mat, brushes some snow off his coat, and opens the door with a slight push of his palm. As he steps in, his brows furrow with confusion as he sees that the fireplace is already crackling energetically with bright flames and the small Christmas tree has been decorated with an array of cheerful lights and wound round and round with red and gold and silver tinsel. Several decorative presents sit under the fresh pine needles, and a small toy train pumps its way across the circular track, huffing and puffing small spurts of grey smoke. On the little coffee table sits a steaming cup of hot chocolate, dotted with three fluffy marshmallows.

 

Most confusing of all, though, is the small worn couch that faces the fireplace, piled with blankets and pillows and set just the way Luhan likes it. A thin piece of paper rests on the right chair arm.

 

Luhan has no idea what to think. He does remember locking the door when he left; yes, he definitely did. Could he be in the wrong home? Not possible: He knows his own small house through and through and this is it for sure. And besides, what kind of stranger would be kind enough to give up his own Christmas evening to decorate the house of someone he doesn’t know?

 

The thing is, Luhan doesn't know.

 

But there’s nothing he can do about it, and anyhow it’s not as if it were unpleasant surprise (other than the fact that someone other than himself was able to enter his home, his sanctuary). Now, he doesn’t have to decorate himself. So he decides to simply enjoy this blessing and settles down, bundling up and making himself comfortable. The fire warms his body quite pleasantly and he soon relaxes as the heat toasts his face. Humming a Christmas carol to himself, Luhan takes a sip of his hot chocolate and then, appropriately readied, turns to tackle the letter.

 

When he picks it up carefully, he realizes the paper is not actually paper but some kind of thin parchment that smells of mahogany and new books. He holds the sheet up to his face and breathes in, smiling. His smile disappears as he realizes that for whatever reason, he’s trying to hold back on reading the letter. Is he scared of what it will say? Maybe. But he will never find out if he keeps on just sniffing it.

 

Chiding himself, Luhan sets himself with a deep breath and casts his eyes down to the paper. This is what he reads:

 

Dear L,

 

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Here I am sitting here writing you another letter, and I can’t believe three years have already passed since I last saw you. It’s been a long three years. As always, I hope this letter finds you well and healthy. Don’t stay out too long taking walks! The lights may be pretty, but they’re not worth getting sick. You worried me so much when you fell ill that one time, remember? Anyways, I guess it’s time for me to go, to move on yet again to a new home, running away from those painful memories, from that painful past.. I feel as if every year what I have to say gets shorter and shorter... I wonder if some day my words will all fade away with the snow. Well, Merry Christmas, my red-nosed reindeer! Live well and don’t fret, and if you ever run into any trouble, don’t forget that it’ll always be okay in the end.

 

Love, S

 

Luhan furrows his brow as he reads, confused. Assuming this letter was not left in the wrong house, the ‘L’ must stand  for his own name. But who is ‘S’? He wracks his brain, thinking of all the people he knows whose names starts with the letter ‘S’, but none come to mind who would go to all this trouble writing him a letter and cozying up his house. He sighs a bit wistfully, though, despite himself, because it is certainly a beautiful letter filled with love and caring. He wishes he could love someone that much, and can’t help wondering who the letter is really for: after some consideration, he has come to the conclusion it can’t be himself; because unless, absurdly, his memory has been wiped of this mysterious ‘S’ person,  there is no way it was meant for him, no matter how much he wants it to be.

 

But where to store it? He decides after a minute that the little hollow inside the Christmas tree will do nicely, and, unlatching the hatch on the bottom of the trunk (in which the tree tilts dangerously, but manages to survive), places the piece of precious parchment gently into the compartment and then closes it with a quiet click.

 

As he stands up, the lingering thought once again hits him that he is forgetting something about the wintertime, something crucial, and now it is accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of sadness and sorrow, so much that he doubles over and clenches his stomach.

 

Uninvited, his eyes start to water, and he angrily banishes them away, grinding his teeth in frustration. Why does this suspicion bother him so!? He doesn’t think he is losing his mind, but today has been quite a confusing day in general, one that has all resulted from a simple walk to enjoy the fresh air and festive, heartwarming lights. When he digs around in his brain for more information, it almost seems like there is a wall in his way, and when he tries to get through it, his head hurts so terribly he almost blacks out.

 

When he finally calms down, Luhan decides he will simply make the best of the whole situation and settles down again to enjoy his Christmas Eve. The whole night, through his multiple mugs of hot chocolate, through the fire burning down to cinders, his thoughts turn to the letter no matter how hard he tries not to think about it, but with his best efforts, he manages fairly well to think about other less confusing matters.

 

As is his custom on this special night, Luhan cuddles in to sleep on his old, comfy couch instead of trudging upstairs to his room to sleep. The ashes smolder subtly and small flickers of light play hide-and-seek games among the black logs, and before long his eyes are closing, closing, closing, clo...

 

In that brief moment when the mind exists between reality and dreams, Luhan’s mind seizes a memory at last; an old fragment of something enchanted away; a name, a thing of power.

 

It echoes dimly around for a moment before sleep truly arrives to take him, and the young man’s lips curl up gently into a smile as he drifts off peacefully into a Christmas Eve slumber. Then the name disappears like so many ripples in an ocean, forgotten until the next year when the snow will coat the pavement once more.

 

Sehun.

 

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Alright so this can be a bit confusing if you don’t know the backstory, but basically Sehun is a wanderer who goes wherever his footsteps take him. Because he is restless, he never stays in a single place for very long. One year, his travels take him to Luhan, which whom he falls in love and spends the winter with. However, he is never at peace, and his heart aches to move on to new places. He leaves on Christmas Day before Luhan wakes up, although it truly breaks his heart. In order to spare Luhan the same pain and heartache, he casts a spell to remove the memories of the times they shared. Perhaps on purpose (but we will never know for sure), his spell has a slight flaw: the memories are not gone, but simply locked behind a barrier, which leaves the chance that one day Luhan may regain his memories after all. As a result, Luhan feels incredible sadness and heartbreak every Christmas, although he has no idea why. Every year he gets a little bit closer to breaking through to the memories (this year he got as far as Sehun’s name), although it’s useless in the end because he will simply forget it all the next day. And, of course, as a result of the spell, he doesn’t remember himself feeling sadness the year before, so it’s a new thing to him each time.

 

Sehun was the one who decorated his house and left the letter, which he does every year as a token of his love. Luhan gave him spare keys when they were staying together, which is how he got in. The next morning, on the anniversary of his leaving Luhan, he will come into the house and take down all the decorations, including the letter; everything, so that he leaves no trace of himself. When Luhan wakes up, he will have false memories of a normal Christmas, and none of the previous day’s events, the letter, or Sehun’s name. This cycle will repeat the next year, and the next, and the next, for Sehun will never forget Luhan.