If you really want to get in the mood of this, listen to Yiruma's Moonlight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99GyFmnH59s
I listened to it when I was typing this up, and I almost cried.

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To my fellow members, Seunghyun, JiYong, Young-bae, and Seungri,

By the time you read this, I'll be dead. I know that's incredibly blunt and cliche, but I've been debating for ages whether or not to do this. Maybe you won't even read this letter.

But you probably will.

I was always so happy and grateful to be part of Big Bang and YG Entertainment. When we were trainees, I honestly didn't think I'd make it. I was so happy to be given a chance when I did. Since then, being part of all this has been amazing.

But when I had that accident, I saw the ugly side of being famous. I saw that sometimes, it's unglamorous. I started to resent it. When I was released from the police the day of the accident, all I wanted was to go home and remain anonymous. But instead, I found a reception of photographers and journalists waiting for me outside the station. I just wanted my privacy. I wanted to deal with what happened alone or with my close friends, without the rest of the world knowing every detail almost before I did.

The thing is, I probably could have handled that. Until I got the news. Guys, I killed that motorcyclist. It was me! He would've lived if it hadn't been for me! Have you ever felt like that? To know that you're the one who took a precious life away? To know that you're responsible for wiping someone off the face of the earth? To realize that if even one thing had been different, maybe everything would be?

I simply couldn't get that out of my head. It wouldn't leave me alone, or give me any peace of mind. I didn't want to see anyone, because I knew they'd try to talk me out of the guilt I was feeling, make me believe something that wasn't true. I knew I was guilty, and the police had every right to charge me.

You probably saw all those newspaper and magazine articles I included in with this letter. You're probably wondering why I had them. I was taking every article I could find on the accident. I know you think I'm stupid, that it made me more depressed, and that may be true, but I had to do it. I had to see what they said, see what they were saying about me. But it didn't do anything. Most of the articles were purely factual, and the few opinionated ones I found went either way.

But even the ones that showed support of me didn't do much. I felt like they were lying to themselves and to me by saying it wasn't my fault. It was my fault and it seemed like I was the only one who knew it.

It feels so liberating to know that I won't be here much longer. That sounds horrible, but I feel free for the first time in months, knowing I'm getting away from the terrible guilt I've been holding inside. I won't have to deal with it any more. I won't have to live with the choking feeling in my chest every time I breathe, knowing that every breath is one I'm stealing from someone else.

I know what you're thinking. Why did he hold it in? Why didn't he just come out and talk? Why did he hide himself away with his depression and not try to help himself? All these are legitimate questions and I'll answer as soon as I ask you one of my own.

Where were you?

Where were you in my time of need? I was barely holding myself together. Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could have come to you. That would mean admitting my guilt to someone other than myself, and I couldn't face that willingly and alone. I needed you to come to me. Why were you asking yourselves where I was when I was asking myself where you were? I was by myself in the dorm left with thoughts I'd rather not have. You didn't even . . . try. You just expected me to come, but I wasn't able to help myself.

I know you're already blaming yourselves for what I did. I know you and I'm not angry with you. I'm telling you this. This is not your fault. Any of you. You can't be blamed for something that couldn't be prevented. I don't want any of you blaming yourselves for something that's all me. Please, for me, don't. I'm sure it's hard enough already for you, don't make it harder for yourselves by placing unnecessary blame on anyone but me.

I know what's going to happen when you realize what I did. Siwon-hyung is going to be urging you to figure out what to do now. I realize that the future of Big Bang is in question, and again, it's because of me and I deserve that. But I want you to know something.

I don't want you to disband.

I would never, ever want that to happen. You guys and the group are too important to me, to Siwon-hyung, to YG, and to the fans to do that. You'd be disappointing a lot of people if you tried to disband and continue with only solo careers. Please don't do that to yourselves, you'd be so unhappy. You need each other. I know you do and I know you can continue to make Big Bang into an amazing group without me. I believe in you.

It's going to be hard, I know. But I wouldn't tell you to keep going if I didn't think you could do it. And I do think you can do it. I know you can.

Included in with this letter was a picture, one of the five of us. I put that in to try and remind myself of what I'd be leaving behind. I guess I was trying to talk myself out of this. But it clearly didn't work. I'm giving it to you to remind you of how amazing we were and can still be. Remember how much fun we had and how much you can still have. And, also, I guess I'm scared you won't remember me. I'm including this picture so you will.

I hope you guys can move on and get past this, unlike me. I guess I just wasn't strong enough. But you are. And please, don't do what I did and hold it in. I should have come to you. But it's too late for that now.

Please don't forget me.

Your friend and fellow member,
Kang Daesung

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I actually made myself cry when I wrote this. This is literally the saddest thing I've ever written, and that's saying something.

Tell me what you think of Daesung's letter, please!

=) Aiko