A/N - It seems as though I confused a few people by Hyukjae’s dark thoughts but just because he isn’t like that in real life doesn’t mean that he can’t be like that here. Keep in mind people that this is a FANFIC…completely untrue yet based on true events and normal psychological effects to bullying…which is basically what the members did. I did a lot of research for this with my doctor friend (who I have been using as an information hub since my FORCED LOVE story. He deals with trauma cases sometimes, some being those of the emotional type and I, myself, given my line of work, am taking an interest in psychology so you can guess how much research went into this. It will be slow, a little dark and then maybe there will be light. There will be push and pull of emotions and you will be left quite frustrated more times than not.

I will give you no more clues than that though but let me ask you something…have you ever been called fat, or ugly, or a nerd or been made fun of, over and over again, humiliated by ones that you thought of as friends…or even maybe family? Have you ever been compared to someone? Do you remember those people even now? Did you forgive them completely or is there still some residual resentment? Truly ask your subconscious that and you will not complain about the darkness of Hyukjae’s character in this. This is what the victims of bullying go through. This is close to real life because reality is scarier than anything fiction can come up with.

“It’s getting really hard to apologize. Every time I approach Hyukjae, I feel that there is a big barrier stopping me from saying anything. I want to apologize, but I wonder if I will hurt him more by bringing up that topic once again,” Sungmin whispered tiredly to Heechul one afternoon. He was the only one in the dorms while Hyukjae, Leeteuk, Shindong were at pre-recordings for the radio show since they couldn’t be there all the time now because of their comeback activities and Ryeowook was at Immortal Song and Kyuhyun at Radio Star. Yesung was recording an OST for some drama and Donghae and Siwon off to shoot a CF together and he himself had just returned from a musical rehearsal.

“It’s like there is a wall there, surrounding Hyukjae from all of us.” Sungmin ran his hands through his newly dyed hair in frustration. “And all those stupid programs asking the same questions about the member voting on the ugliest is getting out of hand. Even our manager had to tell them to tone it done but you know SM. Whatever sells” he muttered, breathing a defeated sigh.

“And apparently Hyukjae’s misery sells…” Heechul scoffs at the bunny like man.

“I don’t know what to say to Hyukjae now. He is my best friend but It’s getting so hard to talk to him. I try but he seems to going deeper and deeper into himself. I can almost feel that darkness emanating from him,” he looked at Heechul searchingly, desperately, “Hyung…its scares me.”

“And have you bothered to do anything about it?” Heechul asked, blunt and to the point. He watched Sungmin lower his head. Most would think it would be adorable but there was no trace of the cute-min that the fans saw. “No hyung…not really…”

B-but-”

Heechul interrupts the man’s attempt to explain himself as he again scoffs, not only at Sungmin but at all the members even though they were not there, “You guys do nothing to correct it yet you expect Hyukjae to suddenly heal? Again and again you have said he was ugly-”

“It’s for the show!”

“And you say nothing else to him about it. You can always change your words and say he is handsome you know. It wouldn’t hurt. I have done it before so you all shouldn’t have a problem. Saying he is ugly is what gets you air time and you all know it. You are all just being the selfish pricks that you all are. You know that by saying Hyukjae is ugly, you all will get airtime”

“Hyung!!”

“Have you put actual concrete words to it? Have you looked him in the eye and seen the anguish in there? Have you bothered to tell the boy that you are sorry? That you all are sorry?”

Sungmin seemed to somehow shrink into himself as Heechul’s voice gradually raises, something he hasn’t done in a long time, since he has joined the army, yet there was nothing diva-ish about him like before…this was a real ‘hyung’…telling him what he really thought of him…and the members.

“…are you even sorry?”

“Of course I am!” Sungmin almost shouts as Heechul asks that last question, his own raised voice now completely lowered and almost a whisper and it hurt Sungmin to even think that maybe Heechul thought of him that way…thought of all the members that way.

“Of course I am sorry…”

“Then tell him! He won’t know until you say it and not saying it is making him believe that he is ugly…and it’s making him ugly. It’s taking him away from who he is. It’s taking him away from who he worked so hard to become. And all this will be no one’s but the members fault…all of us.”

“At the end of the day….you will have no one else to blame but yourselves when you lose Hyukjae completely.”

******

Hyukjae tightened his hands around the bas