Chapter 18

Jae

“Did you sleep at all?” Unnie asks, trying desperately to fix Saela dark circles under her eyes. Saela laughs and shakes her head. “You look like a mess.”

“Sorry,” she shrugs. I smile at her, letting her know I don’t care what she looks like either. She’s done this before, so I know that she’ll go back to normal now. She has a weird habit of staying up all night thinking about one thing that’s been bugging her and then becoming completely normal the next day. It’s like a miracle, since I dwell on things forever before I forget about them, but it’s also not healthy. Unnie gives up, leaving the makeup bag in Saela’s lap to get into her seat and start the car. She knows we’ll be late if we don’t leave now. She makes grumbled comments about her crazy kids that she has to live with and I smile because I’m included even though I haven’t done anything.

“I’ll drop off some food during the break,” Unnie calls out the window as we walk towards the building and we wave to show we heard. We head inside and Saela laughs at her reflection in the mirror.

“I look like a train wreck,” she says in English and I push her inside before me, rolling my eyes but agreeing that she had definitely looked better. We hurry to our seats, I smile at Sunggyu before I sit down and he nods. A nod? I think, sitting down and taking out my script. What’s up with him? Since when do you act all cool?

Saela and I arrived just in time because the director calls for quiet and begins to explain what we’re doing today.

“We’re going to finish our read through today,” he reminds us and I look down at the remaining chunk of script left. There’s a lot left and I’m a little skeptical that we’ll finish. “We’re going to be here all day so please work hard so we can finish.” Everyone agrees to work hard and he looks around the table at all of the actors. “Let’s get started then.”

We all do work hard the entire day, I feel like I’ve said the word “Oppa” more times today than I had in my entire life, but it become easier. I feel less awkward every time I say it; but Sunggyu only seems to get more agitated. Which doesn’t really help me. I try to ignore it, but he’s so distracted and abnormal when we’re not doing a scene that it’s hard not to wonder what’s going on with him. I ask him if he’s ok, but he says that he’s the one who’s supposed to worry about me since I’m his “little dongsaeng”. I shrug off that slightly acidic tone; he must be tired and stressed. I’ll just try to brighten his mood, I think, smiling at him and talking to him normally.

I also wonder about what happened last night because Saela and Woohyun are behaving strangely normal. Saela smiles more, she still gives Woohyun a good punch when he needs it, but it seems light hearted now. And she sticks by his side, sharing as many meaningful looks with him as she does with me. It’s a good strange, but strange none the less. During the scenes, she’s extremely focused on her role. She transforms well into the bubbly and innocent KyuYa, perfecting the pout that she’ll use a lot. She follows him around even though he says he doesn’t want her there, aegyo and all. The contrast in scenes with how they really act is hilarious to watch. In one scene SangMin attempts to explain why he talks to women the way he does and KyuYa doesn’t understand.

“She obviously died before ed,” I laugh as Saela her head sideways at Woohyun. Sunggyu can’t help but laugh and I feel the constricting feeling that’s been in my chest all day loosen.

“I’m actually a visual learner,” Saela says and Woohyun burst into laughter, along with the rest of us. Saela manages to keep a straight and innocent face as we laugh and Woohyun struggles to tell her that he won’t be showing her. That scene is going to be one of my favorites, I smile as it finishes. But when I look down at my script, I realize that the scene I’m going to hate the most is coming up. The four of us, plus Krystal, are all in this scene. It starts off that DaeHyo and I are trying to tell his ex that he’s stuck in SangMin’s body and that’s why she’s falling in love with him again, that’s why I’ve been hanging around SangMin; to help him. (Yes it’s that confusing) Then I go get KyuYa and she shows YeonAh the soul inside SangMin’s body. Then as KyuYa hold onto both of them, DaeHyo (Sunggyu at that point) reminds YeonAh of their love together and tells her that he still loves her.  It’s difficult to act as his supportive sister in these scenes, I sigh as we start. Now I have to act as the person trying to get them back together. Instead of wanting to be with him myself, I glance at him for a second and see him laugh at Krystal. Sure. Just smile with her. I’m not even jealous.

“You were always a terrible person!” Krystal says to Woohyun frantically, whose body is present at the moment. YeonAh is confused why she loves him.  “Why did you change?”

“I didn’t change,” Woohyun puts his hand on the back of his neck like Sunggyu always does as DaeHyo and makes that noise he does when he’s presented with a problem. It’s really confusing to watch, but I just accept that sometimes they’re the same person. “Because I’m not SangMin.” Krystal stares at him, her brown eyes wide and her hair perfect. Aish, I’m so jealous, I try not to frown since I’m trying to help them. She looks to me for an explanation of his crazy words.

“I think I need to show it to you,” I say, giving her a sympathetic look. She’s the only main character in this that doesn’t know what’s going on. “I’ll be right back. Oppa, where should they be right now?” I ask Woohyun.

“My house,” he tells me and I exit to go find them. Really I just step out of the area designated as our “stage” and watch from there. I cringe in anticipation. I’m already jealous and nothing has happened yet.

“Why does she call you Oppa?” YeonAh asks, confused to the point where she’s yelling. Woohyun smiles sadly at her and goes to put his hand on her face to comfort her, but pulls back.

“Just wait,” he tells her gently. She regards him with a flicker of recognition in her eyes.

The time flashes forward in the scene and I return with both KyuYa and Sunggyu, YeonAh’s eyes widen and her jaw drops when she sees the body of her ex but before she can ask any questions, KyuYa walks over introduces herself and grabs her wrist. In the movie, they’ll switch instantaneously, but now we just have to imagine it. Now Krystal is staring back at Sunggyu and I squirm inside.

“It’s me,” he says, his voice calm and gentle. “It’s been me for a while.”

“How?” she stammers and KyuYa squirms awkwardly between them.

“That was my fault,” she laughs awkwardly. “Good news is that they’ll be able to switch back as soon as the moon is full!” she says excitedly, smiling at them.

“So,” YeonAh seems to ignore KyuYa, “You’re saying I didn’t fall in love with SangMin?”

“It’s better that you didn’t,” KyuYa spouts out her input, nodding knowledgeably at YeonAh who’s still ignoring her. “He’s a bad person.” SangMin chuckles from his place next to mine.

“You fell in love with me,” Sunggyu says, hurting me. But I keep an excited and happy face on. I’m soooo happy, I lie to myself. So. Happy.  “Again. I just want to know why you left.”

“Me too,” Krystal says, her face confused and happy and worried at the same time. “Is it really you?” she asks, reaching up to touch his face gently with her free hand. He nods and they embrace, KyuYa still awkwardly holding onto each of their wrists, getting twisted and confused. She’s always the comic relief, I think bitterly. Why can’t I be her? My stomach knots tighter and tighter with every second that they hold onto each other. Yet, I’m still happy.

Luckily this scene ends there, and they let go of each other. We move on, but now they’re together, so it only gets harder. I have to watch and pretend like I’m so happy for them, asking questions about dates and the weirdness of him still being in SangMin’s body. Now I am a comic character, but I realize it’s not any more fun that way. The loving little sister role really exhaust me; it’s taking everything I have to make it seem real. It makes it even worse that during this time KyuYa and SangMin are falling in love as well.

“You’re the third wheel here,” Krystal points out lightly while we watch Saela and Woohyun go through the scene where SangMin tried to bring a girl home in DaeHyo’s body and KyuYa flips out. As they scream at each other around the other actress, I nod sadly at Krystal. She’s actually relatively normal and if I wasn’t so jealous of her then I’m sure we could become friends. Saela has already become friends with her so I feel like I have to now, but I just feel weird talking to her. We stand by each other as we wait for our next scenes to arrive, only talking a little. Our scenes come and go again, my stomach knots tightening every time Sunggyu and Krystal look at each other and smile. I know they’re acting, but it still . Luckily, the next couple scenes are about KyuYa and SangMin again. Then they finally kiss. Saela takes this one well, merely looking like she’s acting when Woohyun’s lips cover hers at first. But then I have a hard time discerning if she’s acting or not when she kisses him back and then looks up at him worriedly after it’s over. After the scene, they return to their laughing and joking selves, but I notice Saela’s face is a little red and she seems tense.

During the lunch break, she loosens up and they’re laughing loudly again. But Sunggyu is still quiet, smiling only halfway at me and even though I try to joke with him, he just calls me “little sister” instead of Mak-Jae. I’m missing that nickname now. He doesn’t even mess up my hair and that’s like a slap in the face. Maybe I did something, I think back to everything I had done when he was around, trying desperately to figure out what it was. I can’t think of anything. Actually I can think of a lot of things, but I’m unsure how they would make him like this. Maybe it’s just me, I realize with a destroyed look at him where he laughs with Krystal.

Soon, it’s my scene. My solo scene that I did for my monologue. I’m not looking forward to doing it again, but I grin and bear it when the director tells me to do my best. I feel like it didn’t go as well as the first time, but that’s because I’m distracted. Sunggyu is staring down at his hands in front of me, and I lose my place seeing him like that. I apologize quickly and finish hastily, not crying this time. The director smiles sympathetically at me like he understands, but I really doubt he does.

The day finishes with the last couple scenes. The one where I decide to take KyuYa’s place as a Guide of Souls so she can live in my body with SangMin. It’s also the scene when YeonAh and DaeHyo are together for real at last. I do cry in that one. So does Saela as she’s held back by Woohyun to stop me. Only I’m not crying because I’m losing my body, I’m only letting out the feeling that’s been festering inside me all day long. I have a hard time stopping. The whole room claps out of elation that it’s all over; we’re all tired of being in this room all day long. The director tells us we can go and that we’ll meet tomorrow to start working in on our feet and memorizing as quickly as possible. Of course Sunggyu and everyone else is all smiles again. Saela’s is watery but with Woohyun’s arm around her, she’s definitely fine. I’m not.

I’m still sniffling when I shove all my stuff in my bag and get ready to leave. The real tears I shed refusing to stop completely. I feel Sunggyu behind me before he talks to me. I try to ignore him; I don’t want to look at him if I know it’ll only hurt. I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me more the whole day and the second I lose it, you want to talk? Good one, you stupid Hamster.

“Good job today, Little sister,” he says. He obviously doesn’t know that I hate that nickname more than anything else right now and I wish he would stop. I nod, picking up my bag and putting the strap over my shoulder.

“You too,” I say, stepping past him without looking up at him, “See you tomorrow.” I feel his hand on my arm and I wonder how long I can keep myself from breaking down completely.

“Are you ok?” Not much longer, I say feeling my breath caught in my throat already. “Jae?” when he says my name in a way that makes me think he actually does care, I lose the fragile control I had over my emotions. I twist my arm away from him, not gentle at all, and make a break for the door. I know he’s following me, so I speed up, breaking outside and taking the first right turn I find out in the street. I hear my name behind me and the slapping of his feet on the pavement, but I blink through the tears and try to find some way to get away from him. If he catches me, I think desperately looking for another street to run down, He’ll get it out of me. It’ll only make it worse if he knows. The movie will be even harder for him and it’ll be all my fault. I turn blindly, taking a street downhill. I see the river down the hill in front of me, sparkling in the sunset. I sprint towards it, my breath already coming in gasps and my bag bouncing annoyingly against my leg.

When I reach the pavement in front of the water, I turn again, running along the bank of it. Sunggyu is still following me, but he’s stopped calling my name and he’s been silent. Probably because he’s tired. I’m so tired too that I start tripping over my own feet, as my lungs scream for air and for me to stop running. I notice that I’m slowing down, and I can’t possibly force my body to go any faster; it just won’t work. So I let myself stop, the tears have stopped but I shaking and gasping for breath, and my heads clear of all thoughts but running away. As I brace myself on a bench and try to breath, I become dizzy. I squeeze my eyes shut, escaping from the spinning world around me. I only want to stand there and breathe, but I hear Sunggyu’s hard breathing coming closer to me. I don’t open my eyes, hoping that he won’t come to me. The sound of his breathing stops getting closer, he stands a couple feet away from me and I can feel his eyes on me.

Without opening my eyes, I move to sit on the bench, my legs threatening to collapse beneath me. Breathing and listening, I hear cars, the water moving in in front of me, and Sunggyu’s breathing. That’s the loudest thing to me though, his breathing. I listen to it slow and he doesn’t move. He just continues to look at me. Because I can’t stand it anymore, I open my eyes. I turn to him slowly and my heart starts beating again when he meets my eyes. But it’s a scared beating because his eyes are angry.

“What the hell was that?” he asks, breaking the silence with his harsh voice. “Did you realize that you ran right through a busy street? You could have been hit! You could have fallen too! What the hell were you thinking?” He stares at me and I stare back, not trusting my voice to even try to explain that I didn’t care. “You weren’t thinking were you?” he asks accusingly. I’m surprised at how much the tone of his voice hurts me when his words hit me. “I was trying to keep you from killing yourself,” he says, his voice is softer now, because I can’t keep the pain from my face and he sees it. “Do you know how hard that is when you run out in the street like that?” he says to me, moving closer to the bench where I’m sitting motionless; staring at the person who’s hurt me more than any other person on the planet without even trying. “Do you how hard it is to protect you?” he sits down next to me, all the anger is gone from him and he looks exhausted. His whole body slumps over as he leans his elbows on his knees and stares out at the water ahead of us.

“You don’t need to protect me,” I swallow the hiccup in my throat, forcing the words out of my mouth. I won’t make this hard on him. He turn his head to look at me, his eyes meeting mine again and making my whole body ache from the look of sadness in them.

“Yes I do,” he insists, “I have to protect you from everything.” The word everything sounds like acid in his mouth, he’s tensed up. He sighs and turns to look at me again and I wish he wouldn’t. I’m trying to assure him he doesn’t need to, but every time he looks at me, I know my face is pained. I can’t help what I feel right now.

“Because I’m your little sister?” I feel my chin quaver as I say it. Sunggyu’s face reflect my own, he’s pained too. But that’s the last thing I want.

“No,” he groans and turns toward me on the bench. “Because if I don’t, you’ll get hurt. And it will be all my fault.”

“I won’t care,” I say, words of sudden truth falling out of my mouth out of nowhere. They don’t’ even make sense to me, I just say them. “I don’t care if I get hurt.”

“I care,” he says, his voice rising. “That’s why I’m doing this! That’s why I can’t take it anymore! I even have to protect you from myself and I hate it.”

“What?” the noise from the street behind us and the water in front of us and the screaming children and talking people on either side of us; it all disappears.

“I like you,” Sunggyu’s voice is almost a whisper, but I can still hear it. It’s the loudest thing in my ears. “But I’m 7 years older than you. You just debuted and I don’t want hurt your career. I just want you to be happy,” tears slide from my eyes, and I feel my whole body sigh with relief. “That’s why I was treating you like a little sister. But I really hate that. I don’t know if I can do it anymore.” He takes a breath, his eyes not moving from mine. “I can’t be your older brother… I can’t,” his voice trails off and his eye drop. He watches his own hand move to my face. I can’t move or do anything but feel the light brush of his hand on my cheek. Then he drops his hand and moves away from me on the bench, distancing himself from me. “I’m sorry,” he says, “It’s so hard to protect you.”

“Then don’t,” I tell him, regaining control of my body and reaching out to touching him. My fingers clasp into his shirt, my hand is shaking and his wide, surprised eyes turn to meet mine that are leaking tears still. “Don’t you know how much I love you? This whole time, I’ve loved you.” The tears are falling even faster now, and Sunggyu only looks at me in shock. “Every time you’d smile at me, I’d feel happy and safe. And then you stopped.” I reach up to wipe away my own tears. “I’d rather be hurt any other way then have you not smile at me anymore.” A slow smile spread across his face as tears fall down mine.

“Stupid,” he says, laughing a little and reaching up to wipe my tears. I feel like he’s laughing at me, like I’ve been brushed off and I look down. My hearts hammering in my chest and I feel like throwing up. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I just thought you were a fan.” He puts his finger under my chin, setting all my nerves on fire. Forcing my face up to see him, our eyes meet. He’s so close. He’s smiling at me, and I’m relieved. Beyond relief, I feel like it’s the first time he’d ever smiled at me and my heart beats wildly, my giddy nervousness returning. It’s welcome now as he leans closer to me. “I won’t protect you anymore,” he whispers, his words releasing me from my still waiting. My fingers that were locked on his shirt move and pull him closer. The distance closing between us, I see his smile widen before my eyes close and I feel his lips on mine. I press myself into him, he moves closer on the bench, his arms going around my waist. My stomach is in knots. My skin burns ecstatically. But it all feels so good.

“Jae,” Sunggyu pulls back from me, and my eyes open. He’s smiling again and there’s a smile on my face as well. I feel his arms tighten as he pulls me closer to him. Resting my head on his shoulder, I sigh and breathe him in.

“Don’t ever protect me again,” I say and feel him laugh. I feel him nod and his lips press against the top of my head. “I’ve always wanted you to do that,” I confess, eyes closed. I’d expect to feel more embarrassed from saying it, but Sunggyu just laughs and does it again.

We eventually get up, the sunsets gone and it’s become dark, so we know we have to go back. Sunggyu takes my hand easily when we begin to walk back, smiling. I thought it would be weird, but we start up a conversation and it feels normal again. He laughs and smiles as much, if not more, than he did before and instead of an overwhelming sense of awkward, I just feel happy. Sunggyu knows where we’re going luckily and he guides me all the way home. I don’t think I stopped smiling once. We both stop in front of Unnie’s door, staring at it for a second before turning to look at each other.

“You know we’ll have to be secretive,” Sunggyu tells me sadly and I nod, looking down at our hands. “We can tell Woohyun and Saela but no one else,” he adds and I nod again. “And we’re still going to have to endure our brother and sister roles.” I look up at him with a displeased face at that reminder and he smiles. “You’ll also have to watch me kiss Krystal and not react.” I glare at him dropping my hand from his, but he holds onto the tips of my finger and brings them up to his mouth. He kisses them and then laughs at my wide eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he drops my hand slowly and turns to go. I step after him and put my arms around him from the back. He laughs and turns around to face me. “You won’t be able to do this in public,” he says as I hide my face from him.

“I know,” I tell him. “We’re not in public now.” He chuckles and kisses the top of my head one last time before moving away from me and waving goodbye. I wave back and feel my heart flip when he smiles. I’ll never get used to that, I think, turning to go inside with a smile on my face.

Saela ambushes me inside, prying all of the details out of me before bed and rolling around on our bed in excitement after I’m finished. She asks me to tell it again, but suddenly I feel really exhausted, so I don’t. I just fall in to bed without taking my clothes off and smile sleepily up at the ceiling.

           My bestest friend made me a wonderful picture! I'm so happy!! And Sunggyu and Jae! I finally got to share that with you :) One of my favorite chapters hands down. Anyway, please comment and subscribe! The usual requests! But seriously...

This is what's happening next chapter!! (If you didn't get the hint, stuffs being revealed and junk... yeah ok. Bye)