Chapter 10

Jae

“We’ll start with the first verse of Knock On Wood,” the musical director of our mini album tells Saela and I outside the sound booth. It seems like they’re rushing everything; our music video is going to be released tomorrow and they’ve rushed us into recording our album. Our two singles are both high ranking in sales, so Saela figures they want to get a lot of money out of us. But Saela also figured that recording our album would be really easy and I already doubt her on that. “Sing your parts as well as you can and we’ll keep starting over until we get it perfect. Ok?” He asks, holding up two thumbs up. We both nod and go inside the booth together. We stand in front of our own separate mics and I look over at her. She’s breathing and looking through the room for the go sign and I figure if she’s fine then I can be too. But I feel a little nervous at the thought of singing the same thing until it’s perfect. There are several people inside the room in front of us making me even more self-conscious.

“We’re starting,” the director’s voice comes in through the overhead speakers in the room and Saela and I put on the big noise canceling headphones in front of us. Unnie gives us an excited thumbs up from the other side of the glass where she watches with her coffee. Clamping them securely over my ears, I hear the snare drum start. I count off until Saela starts and hear her voice coming through my headphones.

“There’s this boy,” she sings on pitch and on time, “and he seems perfect to me.”

“His smile lights up my day,” I add on, listening intently to my own voice in my ears, “and it’s always sunny when he’s around.”

“Good,” the director calls and the music stops, I look through the glass at him as he gives us instruction. “More emphasis on perfect Saela and Jae, sound more confident.” We both nod and start again, getting farther before he stops us again, more directions to make it sound even better. It takes us nearly the whole time to record the one song and I thought I would become bored of it, but we both really started to rock out to it. And when we started having fun together, we sounded better and the director said our energy was perfect for this song. When he tells us to take off the headphones, we put them down and wait eagerly to listen to what we had done.

“Just wait,” he says, starting the song from the beginning. The snare kicks in and Saela’s voice is played through the surround sound speakers in the room. I look over at her and she starts to nod. When my voice starts, I flinch waiting for it to sound bad. But he definitely picked the right run to do because I’m completely on. I look at Saela with an excited face and she shows me one back. When the chorus comes up, we can’t help but start to do the dance. We see the director laughing through the glass as we lip sync to ourselves and dance like idiots. He claps for us over the speaker when the song ends and we bow, laughing at ourselves.

“Good work today,” he says, thumbs up again and then he waves us in. We come out of the booth to meet him. “We’ll start recording What You See Is What You Get now,” he says and we assume the position. Since the song starts with Saela rapping, I listen and watch as she gets into her rapper attitude. I can’t help but smile at her face when she raps; she’s developed a habit of making cool facial expressions. After a few fixes from the director, she’s finished recording the rap. She practices it a lot since it’s so hard to get and she smiles proudly at me after she finishes. I give her a thumbs up before I star with the first verse. Unlike Knock On Wood, an upbeat song about wanting to keep your favorite boy around for as long as possible, we can’t goof around for this song. What You See Is What You Get is a more serious song where we have to act cool. It’s difficult for me to sing like I think I’m really cool and the director hounds me time after time to be confident. I try the same lines and same phrases way too many times and it becomes not fun anymore. Saela tries to help too, but I just can’t do it. I feel like throwing the headphones after a while and the frustration only builds as the time passes without progress.

“I think we’re done for the day,” the director says over the loud speaker and I yank the heavy headphones off my head. I feel Saela’s hand on my shoulder as we walk out of the room to meet with him. I look at her, needing someone to see my frustration and nods understandingly. The director talks to us about our feelings when we record the songs and tells us to practice them before we meet again. I know the comment was mostly addresses towards me and I nod. I’m afraid to talk because I kind of feel like crying. Saela and Unnie thank him and the rest of the people who were there. I manage a small smile and wave before leaving. I avoid Saela and Unnie’s eyes as we head for the van. They don’t talk to me, just let me be as we drive. I stare out the window, tears prickling uncomfortable at my eyes. I don’t even notice when we arrive at the dance studio because I’m too busy trying to wipe them away.

“Jae?” Saela says my name from outside the van. I hear Unnie’s door shut and Saela climbs back in the car. Saela’s hand is on my shoulder again. “Do you need a break?” she asks and I nod, not looking at her. I’m sure she already knows I’m crying but, I still don’t want to show her. “Go for a walk,” she suggest. “I’ll talk to Unnie.” I nod to show I heard her and she leaves me again. I grab my phone and my wallet just in case and get out of the van. Starting to walk in a random direction, the tears are still falling annoyingly down my face.

This is why I can’t sing like I’m cool, I think, using my sleeve to dry my face again. I keep walking, not seeing where I am or where I’m going. The tears don’t stop as I walk and I give up on trying to keep my face dry. I find my way down the streets to a park I’ve never been to before. I look around, seeing a bunch of little kids and watchful parents around. The fountain is full of kids, it’s hot outside and I go to find somewhere to sit and watch. I realize I probably look like a complete creeper watching the little kids splash around in the water, but they’re all so cute and beautiful. As I watch, the tears stop and I smile when one pushes another one in. Thank god for adorable children, I think, feeling much better. I decide I’ve been creepy for long enough and get up, leaving the park and walking for a while longer. When I look at the time, I know Saela’s already been dancing for almost three hours and I feel a bit guilty. I type in the address of the dance studio into my phone GPS because I have no idea where I am and begin to follow the blue line. I’m looking down at my phone when someone runs into my shoulder, sending my phone flying to the concrete.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the guy says as I pick up my phone. I look up to tell him it’s fine cause my phones not broken and my mouth falls open in surprise. It’s Hoya.

“Oh Jae!” he says, noticing me too. “We’re running from our manager right now,” he tells me, looking around nervously. I whip my head around, searching for him or their car on the street, or maybe someone else. “Want to come with me?” he asks, already starting to move away and I nod. “Follow me then.” He starts off at a run, looking over his shoulder at me to see if I’m still there. He’s fast, but I’m able to keep up with him. He leads me to a building, inside and upstairs. “We made a plan to meet here,” Hoya tells me, looking around and I hear Dongwoo’s laugh from the corner. Hoya’s lips twitch into a smile and I follow him back to where everyone is sitting.

“Hoya!” Sunggyu says, holding out his arms, then his eyes flick to me and he smiles wider. “You brought Jae!” Hoya laughs and nods.

“I found her,” he says, sitting down at the table next to Dongwoo who hands him a drink. “Where are Myungsoo and Sungyeol?”

“They both got caught already. So don’t trust them if they call you,” Sungjong reminds everyone. They nod, and all shoot glares at Dongwoo and Woohyun. “We already know some people can’t be trusted.” As Woohyun and Dongwoo laugh, Sungjong points at the seat next to him for me to sit in. I gratefully sit down next to him, feeling tired. “What were you doing before Hoya found you?”

“Where’s Saela?” Woohyun asks, attempting to seem just curious.

“She’s at the dance studio like I’m supposed to be,” I tell them and they make oohing sounds. “I just needed a break so I took a walk. Then Hoya ran into me. Literally.”

“Sorry about that,” he laughs awkwardly, taking a drink. I shrug, I’m kinda glad he did. They all start talking about what they want to do and Sunggyu looks at me from across the table.

“Why did you need a break?” he asks curiously and I swallow.

“Recording is really hard,” I tell him, avoiding his eyes, but managing to smile. “We had our first real session today.”

“Hadn’t you already recorded your first song?” he asks and I nod, tracing a ring on the table in front of me.

“That song was really easy and so was the one we wrote,” I explain, a lump materializing in my throat no matter how many times I swallow. “Apparently I really need to work on it from now on.” I laugh bitterly, the table becoming blurry in front of me. I blink it back into focus, but it only stays that way for a second before tears case it to look fuzzy again.

“Jae!” Dongwoo says my name and I look up at him. “Are you gonna come with us?” I shake my head, try to smile, and keep the tears from dripping down my face. “Why not?” he asks me, frowning slightly. I open my mouth to give some excuse about going to lessons, but the lump in my throat blockades my voice from escaping.

“Her and I are going back,” Sunggyu says, pushing his chair back as he stands up. I widen my eyes at him and he smiles a little sadly. His look of compassion makes the tears slip over the end and I look down hurriedly. “She wants my help.” Dongwoo shrugs and goes back to arguing with Hoya and Woohyun, playing rock paper scissors loudly for the third time.

“I’ll help too!” Sungjong offers and I hear him stand up too.

“You can’t,” Sunggyu says and Sungjong pouts, slumping back down in his chair. Sunggyu comes around the table and holds out his hand for me. I stare at it, my own hands frozen in my lap. He reaches down and hauls me to my feet. I feel blush rush to my cheeks as another tear escape without my consent. I hope to God that Sunggyu doesn’t see. “Don’t do anything too stupid,” Sunggyu calls back over his shoulder at his group and they wave him off. I reach up to get rid of the wetness on my face and realize that it’s shaking a little. It’s probably because Sunggyu’s warm hand is still clutched around mine, leading me back down to the street. I can’t help but twitch. “Oh sorry,” he says, dropping them and noticing me staring at our hands. I nod, still not able to talk yet and he considers me carefully, looking all over my face. That’s just what I didn’t want and I avoid his eyes.

“So you got scolded a lot today?” he asks and I swallow, the burning feeling of embarrassment too recent and potent to forget. I’m actually more embarrassed that I cried in front of him, so I wipe them away and decide to stop letting them out at all costs. “It’s ok,” he says, reaching up to mess up my hair. “You’ll get it.” I half-smile because I’m not able to agree with him. “Because I’m going to help you,” he smiles, sending the shiver through my nerves, and tells me to follow him.

“Where are we going?” I manage to ask after the lumps become smaller and my nerves are only tingling slightly. He smiles sideways at me, the tingling comes back in full force, and keeps walking. When we round the corner and I can see the Woolim building, I narrow my eyes at him. “You’re going to get caught,” I warn him, looking around for the manager or the car.

“They’re out looking for the other four so I’m fine,” he shrugs and opens the door for me. “Head to the practice room,” he tells me and disappears down another hallways I’ve never been down. I watch him go, his back turned to me and take a step to follow him. Then I turn my body away from him and go to the practice room. Sitting down on the piano bench and wait, breathing and trying not to think about how much I was crying earlier. Sunggyu opens the door with one hand and then leans back outside, sticking his foot in the door to stop it from closing. I go to hold it for him as he brings in two electric guitars with amps.

“Thanks,” He says, smiling and setting the amps down first and then handing me a bright red guitar. “Put it on,” he tells me, plugging in his black one and then mine into the amps. “We’re going to have some fun.” He smiles and turns the volume up on the amp. He does a ridiculous jump and hits the strings on the guitar; the amp blares loudly through the dead room.

“Ahh!” I yell, covering my ears. “It’s so loud!” Sunggyu laughs and plays the most obnoxious guitar solo I’ve ever heard, while sticking his tongue out like a rocker.

“Do it!” he yells, over the blaring noise of his own guitar. I look down at the red thing hanging on me and put my hands on it. I play one note and Sunggyu stops and comes over to me. “Not loud enough,” he smiles, cranking up my amp. I give him a hesitant look and he laughs. “Come on! Haven’t you always wanted to do this?” I think for a moment, remembering those times I used to dance around my room with my guitar. I start to play the most obnoxious rock song I had ever learned and Sunggyu adds the noise of his own to mine. The racket in the room makes me laugh because it’s so musically ugly. Sunggyu goes on his knees; another absurd expression coming over his face. I start to play faster, flinging my hair around. I can’t resist making gross faces at him as we mess around, guitars not even tuned correctly. It really sounds disgusting but it’s really fun.

Sunggyu dances over to me like an American rock star and leans his back up against mine. I lean back too, fingers and hands moving on their own across the strings. I jump up on the piano bench on instinct and play from there, flipping my hair all over the place. Sunggyu laughs as I purse my lips and improvise a solo from an etude I once memorized, sticking my tongue out and screaming. It’s just what I needed; now I have an excuse to scream. My foot slips off the edge of the piano bench in the moment of losing myself and I catch myself on the wall. Sunggyu freezes in front of me, his hands extended in my direction and his eyes frightened. I slide slowly down the wall, laughing so hard that no sound comes out and his hands drop slowly.

“You looked so scared!” I laugh at him, tears slipping out of the corners of my eyes. Except now I don’t care about these tears. I ditch the guitar and roll to the floor, not able to stop laughing even though it hurts. Sunggyu shakes his head at me and puts his guitar down, sitting down on the piano bench with a sigh.

“You’re such a klutz,” he tells me as I laugh at him from the floor. I nod, my laughter dying down slowly. I breathe in calming breaths before I start hyperventilating and roll over to get up. “Well that was fun,” he says, looking at me. He yawns a big yawn and stretches. “But I’m too old to be doing this,” he mumbles, unplugging his guitar and folding up the chord.

“You’re not old,” I glare at him, for what feels like the hundredth time.

“Be quiet maknae,” he laughs at my displeased face.

“Are you going to keep calling me that?” I ask, hopping not. It’s not a very original nickname. I really hoped he would call me something much cuter. Although I realize that might be too selfish of me, to pretend that we’re close enough for pet names. He looks at me for a second and then a smile spreads across his face and his eyes disappear.

“Should I call you mak-Jae instead?” he asks, before laughing at his own joke. I shake my head, it’s still not what I wanted, but he’s already decided. “I think I’m going to use that one forever.” I make a displeased face while trying to think of something to call him.

“Only if you want me to call you Hamster Gyu,” I threaten halfheartedly and he laughs.

“Go ahead, mak-Jae.” I frown, really not liking that one much. It still seems like he’s looking down on me for being young. “Do you feel better now?” he asks. I smile at him, and take a seat on the piano bench.

“That was just what I needed,” I tell him, leaning back against the piano.

“What exactly do you need to work on?” he asks, turning slightly to watch my face as I answer.

“The song we were recording needs to convey that I think I’m cool,” I tell him, laughing at how funny that sounds out loud. “I don’t sound cool enough when I sing I guess.” I stare at the wall opposite of us, sighing at my lameness now instead of feeling sorry for myself. “They’re going to have to make it Saela’s solo song,” I laugh. “She sounds cool. Or at least she sounds like she thinks she’s cool.”

“How is it different from you?” he asks, I feel his eyes on my face and I keep staring at the wall.

“She sounds confident,” I explain everything I lack, “Like those people that don’t care what everyone else thinks of them.” I play with my hands in my lap because he’s still watching me. “I’ve always wanted to be one of those people,” I say, quieter.

“What do you think we were just doing?” Sunggyu laughs suddenly and I turn to look at him, confused. He reaches up to ruffle my hair. “We both looked really stupid, but it was fun and we didn’t care. Right?” I my head sideways, remembering how stupid he looked and figuring I probably looked worse. Considering he was Sunggyu, I probably looked absolutely terrible. “So just let go. When you’re singing the song, pretend you wrote it. That’s what I do,” he tells me. “You think I’ve had so many girlfriends that I don’t have to act when I perform all of our songs?” he laughs and shakes his head disappointedly. “Our writers have much more experience than us.”

I suddenly picture Sunggyu with a girlfriend and a sickening feeling seeps into my veins. I’m relieved he hasn’t had experience, but that’s so selfish of me that I want to hit myself. It’s enough that I’m here with him now and we’re friends. I look at him, forgetting that I shouldn’t stare, but I can’t stop myself. Pictures never were enough for me. Seeing him in person and hearing his voice, feeling his touch as he ruffles my hair, it’s so much better than longing to see him from an ocean away. I smile at him because I can’t stop that either. He causes me to just react; I never have time to think about anything when he’s around.

“You should probably go back,” he says sounding disappointed, but nowhere near as disappointed as I feel. He stands up and turns off the amps. I don’t feel like leaving him just yet, but I know he’s right. I nod and then let him lead me back out of the building. He asks be about the other songs on the album and promises to help me if I need it again.

“Thank you Sunggyu,” I say before he goes back inside. He stops in front of me, a strange conflicted look on his face before he steps forward and put his arms around me. My eyes widen to a dangerous width and my pulse quickens to a dangerous pace. But I don’t have enough time to react and put my hands around him before he steps back, drops his hands and ruffles my hair before disappearing through the door. I stare at the door for a little while, wishing he would come back.

Eventually I call Saela and she says that she and Unnie are already home so I start to walk. Humming to myself, I mime playing the guitar again, remembering every one of Sunggyu’s humorous expression and the instantaneous warmth that filled me when he hugged me. I feel like skipping like a little girl, but keep it in since I’m in public. I step inside and I hear Saela and Unnie in the kitchen.

“Jae!” Saela calls, “Come help me with this!” I go in and see that she’s writing something at the table while Unnie cooks. Neither of them brings up anything about where I’ve been or ask how I’m doing and I love them both for it. I do feel an overwhelming urge to scream that Sunggyu hugged me, but I keep it in.

“What is it?” I ask, looking down at her crooked writing and try to discern what it says.

“The thank yous for our album,” she says, biting the pen in her hand. “I’ve thanked Unnie, President Hong, the musical director, the director for our music video, all the people on wardrobe, our stylist, our choreographer, the lyricists…” she looks down to remind herself what she wrote, “Oh, and the photographer.”

“How about our inspirations?” I ask her, raising an eyebrow. She gives me a confused look and I hint again. “Co-writer of Dive In?” She narrows her eyes at me and I give her one last hint. “The other half of SaeHyun?” I make a heart with my hands and she karate chops it in half, but turns to write down his name anyway. “And Sunggyu too.” I add, sitting down next to her.

“Why don’t you just thank all of Infinite along with them,” Unnie suggests. “Without them, you wouldn’t have any friends.”

“I can make more friends,” Saela frowns at her and Unnie laughs. “We have Minho and CNU, too! And come trainee friends!” she reminds her and Unnie nods, feigning realization that we have a lot of friends. Saela and I continue thinking of people to thank, including our sponsors, our Korean teacher, my guitar teacher, and Saela’s piano teacher. Saela started shooting out all these ways we could thank them, but Unnie and I told her it’s our first album. She pouts, but finished writing a typical thank you for them all.

“Tomorrow right before recording we have a meeting with President Hong,” Unnie says, poking her head inside our room before bed. “So we’re getting up earlier.” We tell her goodnight and go to bed early, only listening to music for a little while before plugging in our phones and actually trying to sleep. Ok it was a long time. I just couldn’t stop. Music makes everything better and my mood was pure bliss. I really felt how late I stayed up when morning came and wished I hadn’t.

In his office, the President asked Unnie how the recording was going and I tuned out immediately, not fully ready to think about doing that again even though we were on the way there next. He gave us his advice about really feeling the songs and I nodded, pretending like I was really going to use it. I didn’t have room in my brain for anything else besides repeating Sunggyu’s words from yesterday.

“The release of the music video was a huge success,” President Hong says, smiling at us. “As I thought, everyone loves the song and the stories. Also they love you two.” I listen on the outside, but inside I’m still on repeat. “I’ve been contacted by the director of a movie that they’ve just finished writing and they wanted to know if you two would be interested in auditioning for parts.”

“For a movie?” Saela asks him, snapping into focus on exactly the same words as me. “They want us to audition?” She repeats everything he just said, checking if she actually heard it right. I’m wondering the same thing.

“Yes,” he confirms, taking a folder off his desk and handing it across to us. “The auditions are tomorrow-”

“Tomorrow?” Unnie interrupts with wide eyes. We’re all surprised because she interrupted him. “Isn’t that too soon? They won’t have enough time to prepare. They’re schedule is full today and-”

“Jun,” President Hong laughs. “This director is very different. His auditions don’t require any preparation.” closes and she looks at him; worry replaced with confusion. “They just have to show up and do their best.”

“Sounds like my kind of audition,” Saela laughs, looking at me with an excited smile. She always loved improve in school. I’m going to fail this, I think frowning at her.

“I hope that you’ll represent us well when you’re there,” he tells us, a little warning hidden behind his friendly smile. He stands up, signaling the end of our meeting and we head straight to the recording studio, Unnie and Saela wondering aloud what we’ll have to do at the auditions. Partly because I don’t want to dwell on it and partly because I have other things to worry about, I don’t join them. I just keep thinking about that feeling with Sunggyu. I hope I can channel my inner crazy like I did with him.

“We’ll take it from Jae’s part,” the music director says when Saela and I are situated in the recording booth. I nod at him, take a deep breath and picture what I’d be like if I was one of the people who didn’t care about what others thought. I sing my entire part without getting stopped and I start to feel that energy I had felt before pulsing through me. He lets us go through the whole song, I can feel Saela’s energy through the headphones around my head and when we finish the song, clapping comes over the speakers. “We’ll run through it one more time, do it just like that but don’t hesitate at the beginning and we’ll have the best one yet.” We both call out our agreement and nail the whole song one last time.

“Good work,” the director says, looking through the glass straight at me. “I can tell you worked on it. It really shows.”

Thank you Sunggyu, I think, smiling back at the director.

            I'm really whipping out these updates this weekend! *o* That's what happens when I dont' have homework and I love it soooooo much. Please comment, subscribe, and all that jazz!!! I like to hear from people :)

This is the face I make when my teachers don't give me homework.