The day I handed my proposal to him, my wound felt as fresh as the moment it was slashed open.

He didn’t look at me one bit.

I’m not worth even one glance.

And I know I deserved it.

My pillow feels wet against my cheek as another tear roll over the bridge of my nose. I close my eyes and the need to cry starts all over again. I let the tears flow as I try to sleep.

Every night, it’s the same.

I wake up in the morning, trying to find the feeling back inside me. When it didn’t come back I stand up, feeling like a weightless feather. I cried everything out.

I walk over to the sink and stand before the mirror, looking at the pathetic me. I shy my eyes away from the reflection for my lips were twitching. I almost gave in to the urge to sob again.

Don’t, Himchan, don’t cry.

Hurry up and carry on.

Don’t cry.

I grab my toothbrush and try hard not to notice the emptiness of the toothbrush holder.

I squeeze the toothpaste, watching how my hands shook as I get reminded how much longer it takes for one tube to be finished.

I brush my teeth and get reminded how there wouldn’t be anyone standing behind me as I stare into the mirror.

How there wouldn’t be anyone to put his arms around me.

How there wouldn’t be anyone to run a hand through my messy hair.

How there wouldn’t be anyone looking into my eyes, telling me words I want to hear so much right now.

How there wouldn’t be anyone to forgive me for all I’ve done.

How there wouldn’t be anyone to tell me he still love me even when I took everything he gave me and threw it away.

How there wouldn’t be anyone.

I let myself cry.

“Come on Himchan.”

“Sorry, I’m busy.”

“I know you aren’t.”

I look away as my hands clutch tighter onto my files.

“Just try to go out with me. Didn’t we use to go out together?”

He holds my hand and I shake him away.

Didn’t we use to go out together?

I look down, the shame hurting inside me.

Yes, I used to go around having fun, behind his back.

And when he found out, I begged and he forgave me.

After that, I never found the need to hide it anymore.

He always knows.

Shamelessly, I broke his heart.

Like a fool, I shattered what was mine.

“Himchan.”

“No. I’m not free.”

I turn away and take a step back when he came closer.

When I looked away, I saw him.

He walks out of the company building, tugging on the cuffs of his shirt as he goes off to the opposite direction.

Did he see me?

I stare at his back, going further and further away from me.

“I thought you broke up with him? Why are you so uptight? You used to agree quickly.”

“No. Please. Leave me alone. I don’t feel like going out with you.”

I walk away, my steps quickening into a run as if I’m running away from what disgusting things I’ve done, escaping from whatever I did.

My legs feel weak and I find myself close to another breakdown.

But the one before me never got nearer no matter how fast I run.