They were surrounded by white walls, the beep sound of the monitors, and a couple of doctors. Jaejoong felt bad about all this, really bad. Not only because of the glances Junsu’s dad was giving him every now and then, but also because of the concerned looks on their faces and, moreover, because of that one assistant doctor, of whom he had to think of no matter what. She was the one Yoochun had run to on the airport, and ever since Jaejoong had checked in the hospital, she’d been there- taking care, feeding him when his muscles felt numb, feeling with him whenever he felt bad, telling Junsu that he needed sleep when he didn’t want to see his lover. Ahyoung. Jaejoong wasn’t falling for her, surely not. He loved Junsu with all he got. But, no matter how hard he tried to ban Ahyoung out of his thoughts, he didn’t succeed. The girl was present 24/7, making it hard for Jaejoong to even look into Junsu’s eyes. Even now, when Junsu was in the room, right beside him, holding his hand, his thumb drawing lines on its back, his eyes were pinned on Ahyoung, who was checking the monitors and noting everything Junsu’s dad told her to note. They’d tried multiple things now, even electro shocks, but it all didn’t make Jaejoong feel better even a bit. He smiled on the outside, but he could feel how dark it was on his inside. This other side of him, it threatened to take over. And he was afraid of that.

“I don’t know, Junsu-ya. We’re trying hard to get it under control, but no matter what we do, it doesn’t help. Hell, we can’t even find out what’s wrong. Everything is normal: His heart, his blood, his brain. I don’t know what to do anymore.” Jaejoong looked up. Junsu had asked his father something, but the elder had been so caught up in his thoughts he didn’t pay attention at all. Hearing the answer, though, was enough. What else did he need to know? He cleared his throat and glanced at Ahyoung, whose lips were pressed together while she studied her notes. The knits on her forehead told him that she was deeply in thoughts, and he felt thankful for that. Yet, on the other hand, he also felt guilty. It was all about him for the last two weeks, everybody had focused on him and only him. The dark circles under Junsu’s eyes showed him how little sleep he’d gotten during that time, the deepened wrinkles surrounding the eyes of Junsu’s father showed how often he’d squinted in despair, and the frown on Ahyoung’s forehead made it visible that she couldn’t think about anything else. It was all about saving Jaejoong, and he didn’t know how to ever pay them back.

“I think we’re missing something,” the only woman in the room finally raised her voice, looking up from her notes. The way Junsu’s face lit up, Jaejoong wanted to tell her not to give him any hope. But it was too late for that already. “I just don’t know what it is.” She muttered and looked at the needles in Jaejoong’s arms and the band aids on his chest. Junsu squeezed his hand a little and Jaejoong looked at his lover out of two apologetic eyes. It seemed as though there was no solution. But being separated from Junsu didn’t seem like an option- yet. On the other hand, Jaejoong couldn’t go on like this, threatening the life of the only one he loved more than anything.

Junsu rubbed his eyes with the free hand, not willing to let go off Jaejoong, no matter how sweaty their hands had become during the last two hours they’d been holding them. “Junsu-ya…” Jaejoong muttered and everybody looked up, for it was the first time Jaejoong had said something that day. Junsu blushed, but gave him a smile. “Yes?”

Jaejoong sat up, feeling uncomfortable all of a sudden. “We’re going nowhere.” He finally said. Junsu’s smile dropped, his father breathed out sharply and Ahyoung cleared . Before Junsu could answer, she tapped the pen onto the clipboard and shook her head, obviously not satisfied with Jaejoong’s words. Junsu liked her, even though he disliked how close the two of them were. The lone fact that she was helping out caused Junsu to like her.

“You’re wrong. We’ve found out that your incapable of doing anything when having electricity rushing through your body- more electricity than usual, that is.” She said, and Junsu nodded quickly. He ran his fingers through his hair and pursed his lips.

“If that’s all we’ll get, I’ll just have Yoochun live with us.” He stated. He’d already talked it out with Yoochun, and to him it wouldn’t be a problem. At least that’s what he’d said. But Jaejoong shook his head.

“And then, what? He can’t stick around me like a shadow- he has his own life, too. What if he has to go to work? What happens then?” Junsu hadn’t quite thought it through, yet. He’d been content with Yoochun saying he’d help, he hadn’t been thinking about what he wanted him to do. After all, he couldn’t sacrifice his whole life only for Jaejoong. All of a sudden, Junsu wished he could change with Yoochun. If he was the one being able to do what he did, it wouldn’t have been a problem. Junsu would’ve been more than happy to have a reason to spend the whole days with Jaejoong. He couldn’t get enough of him.

“Didn’t think that far, yet…” He finally admitted and sighed, leaning his head onto the white wall. Jaejoong squeezed his hand and let go off it, taking a deep breath. He asked Ahyoung to give him his mobile, and the girl did as she was told. Junsu looked at Jaejoong, frown on his face. “Who are you going to call?” He asked, and Jaejoong avoided his gaze at all costs.

“Yunho.” He said, and before Junsu could contradict he shut him with a hand and clicked onto the green button. It wasn’t long until Yunho took up the phone, and he didn’t sound guilty at all when saying: “God, Jaejoong! Where the hell are you? Been searching the whole planet for you!”

Jaejoong cleared his throat and looked at Ahyoung, for no particular reason. “In Jeju, in a hospital,” he answered his question. Because Yunho didn’t answer, he added: “I don’t trust you.” The man on the other line snorted, but Jaejoong didn’t give him the time to say something. “… But I need your help.”

***

“This is so wrong!” Junsu was running back and forth in the room, repeating the same words over and over again. He’d called Yoochun and Junho to convince Jaejoong of how wrong it had been to ‘invite’ Yunho. The two men were sitting on two chairs, watching Junsu walking up and down, up and down, over and over again. Ahyoung had taken place on the end of the bed and was looking at her notes instead, totally ignoring Junsu’s desperate tries to make everything undone.

“Did you find something?” Jaejoong asked her, and she looked up puzzled. She usually did that, forgetting that she was in a room with people when being too concentrated on her notes. When she remembered that the four men were present, too, her face became less confused. But the sadness that was breaking through bugged him more than the confusion. She shook her head, nibbling on the end of the pen. “Then the meeting is set.” He said, a little louder, and Junsu stopped in his movements. “Even if you dislike it Junsu. I prefer taking Yunho’s help than going back to the North. It’s our last chance, you should finally realize that.” His voice was harsher than he’d intended to, but for the first time Junsu listened, understood and realized. For the first time he realized it wasn’t him who could save Jaejoong, no matter how much he wished for it.

“If you want to go before he comes, go.” Jaejoong said, voice a little shaky. Suddenly, it was freezing cold in the room. Ahyoung turned her head to look at the pale Junsu. Junho had stood up and approached Junsu, but he raised a hand to make him stop. “Do you want me to go?” He asked Jaejoong, and the elder shivered. No, not at all. He shook his head and lowered his gaze.

“No.” He answered, but Junsu didn’t seem to relax. “But I also don’t want you to be here.” That didn’t make any sense, Jaejoong knew that. But it was the truth. As much as he wanted Junsu to be here, to hold his hand and to tell him that everything would be alright, he also wanted him to just go. He hated that Junsu worried so much, he hated that he slept so little and, moreover, hated that he looked so hurt everytime an examination didn’t have any results.

Without saying anything, Junsu his heels and left the room. Junho walked after him and Yoochun, too, left the room after bowing politely. Only Ahyoung remained, sitting on the bed and looking at Jaejoong. “Should I go, too?” She asked, clipboard pressed to her . Jaejoong shook his head and leaned back into the pillow, staring at the ceiling.

“I need somebody to take down everything Yunho says when he comes. Would you do that?”

She nodded and took his hand. But while Junsu’s hand had a calming effect on Jaejoong, Ahyoung’s dry skin on his smooth one felt like he was holding thorns, and it felt wrong.

But he endured it, because it was better than nothing.

***

Junsu had begun to cry. Not because Jaejoong had sent him away- not only because of that. But because he was so desperate. The more they tried to find a solution, the more impossible it seemed. The last thing he wanted to do was to say goodbye to Jaejoong. Not to his Jaejoong. He’d curled up in his bed, hugging the pillow Jaejoong was always sleeping on and let the tears flow. He hated it to cry, and he hated when other people saw him crying, but in a moment like this it seemed more than appropriate to cry. Right now, to Jaejoong, he was useless. All he could do was staring while his dad and Ahyoung did all the work. All he could do was pray while they actually did something. Junsu wiped the tears away, but that didn’t stop others from coming out. He couldn’t stop. He hadn’t cried ever since they’d been together again, he hadn’t doubted his father even once. But now that Jaejoong saw it as a last solution to call Yunho, everything seemed to be lost. Junsu pressed the pillow to his and hid his face inside of it, taking in Jaejoong’s scent. There was a deep, black whole inside of him, reminding him of how broken he’d be without Jaejoong.

He sat up and approached the wardrobe. He looked at it and finally took out one of Jaejoong’s shirts and changed into it, feeling like a teenage girl when he buried his nose into the fabric and took some deep breaths. This wasn’t the end. They would definitely find a way to keep him in the South and make him feel better- be it with or without Junsu.

***

Ahyoung shot up when the door was opened. Jaejoong turned off the TV and looked at Yunho, who was walking in as confident as ever. He fell onto the chair Yoochun had been sitting on before and grinned widely. “I thought you’ll never call.” He greeted and Ahyoung scribbled something onto the paper, making Jaejoong wonder what could be so interesting about Yunho’s confidence.

“I only did because nothing worked. Tell me what’s wrong with me and how to solve it.” He demanded, but Yunho only raised his eyebrows and leaned back. Jaejoong swallowed and sighed. “Please.”

“I will,” Yunho finally said, leaned forwards. “If you break up with that shadow of yours and come back to the North with me.”

Jaejoong, who had expected something like this, glanced at Ahyoung. The girl was scribbling, her face objective as always. He knew that if Junsu had been there, the following decision would’ve been impossible for him to make.

“Fine,” he agreed. Ahyoung’s head shot up and she dropped the pen. Even Yunho looked surprised. But the only one dying inside was Jaejoong. And Junsu, once he found out.