“Mind if I join?” Junsu had spent two nights at the Motel already, and Jaejoong hadn’t called yet. He looked up, seeing the familiar face of Yoochun. Of course, he nodded, pointing at the free seat.

“Sure, it’s better than eating alone.” Junsu wouldn’t call Yoochun a friend, but he surely felt somebody he felt good with. Yoochun was funny, fooling around with him, and he didn’t ask why Junsu hadn’t left the Motel even once. Junsu, on the other hand, did ask that himself. He still had the hope that Jaejoong would call him and tell him to come back, so he stayed. But it seemed as though that wouldn’t happen. Junsu spent his days staring at the phone, praying for at least a message, but that didn’t happen. And it made Junsu feel worse and worse each day.

“You look terrible.” Yoochun said, taking himself a bit of the rice that was standing on the table. Junsu looked up and ran his fingers through his hair, sighing.

“Couldn’t quite sleep last night.” He admitted. He had seen himself in the mirror and thus knew that Yoochun was right. The circles under his eyes were almost black, his eyes themselves were swollen and red and his skin pale – which was the result of two sleepless nights and endless crying. If Jaejoong knew how miserable Junsu felt, would he call?

Then again, Junsu knew how miserable Jaejoong felt and still had left him. Had it been wrong to run away like that? He leaned forwards, resting his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands. “Yoochun-ah?” He began, watching the latter stop chewing and raising an eyebrow. “If somebody you love obviously feels bad but doesn’t tell you, what would you do?”

“Wait and hope, I guess. If I truly love somebody, I’d wait until that person wants to talk about it, I think.” Junsu puffed his cheeks.

“But what if that person talks to somebody he barely knows, somebody he isn’t sure whether he can trust that person instead of talking to you?” Yoochun swallowed the rice and pursed his lips, looking at the wall, deep in thoughts.

“Then I’d tell that person that I feel left out and that it hurts me. And if she still refuses to talk about it, I’d let her know that I’ll be there for her through the good and the bad, even if she doesn’t want to talk about it.” He nodded, obviously satisfied with his words, and Junsu’s confidence dropped. “But why are you asking, anyways? Problems with your girlfriend? Is that why you’re here?”

“Not really.” Junsu muttered before taking a sip from his tea and holding back tears. Yoochun was right. He should’ve been there for Jaejoong, he had seen how bad he felt. He could see that the latter was still waiting for an explanation, but Junsu got up and smiled. “I’m sorry, but there’s something I have to do… See you.” And with that, he rushed out of the room, up the stairs and banged his door shut before falling onto the bed and taking his mobile. No missed calls. Junsu sighed as he dialed Jaejoong’s number and put the mobile on his ear.

When the mailbox responded, Junsu’s heart skipped some beats. Did Jaejoong avoid him? He quickly clicked onto the ‘message’ button and his fingers rushed over the display as he typed in the message. He read over it a few times, unsure whether he had taken the right words, but finally sent it.

Jaejoong-ah… I’m sorry that I left like that. Can we meet and talk? I miss you…

He didn’t have to wait long until the mobile rang, telling him that he had a new message.

Still at the hospital. Be back in the evening. Can you come over? I need you…

Hospital? Junsu’s eyes widened, but rather than questioning Jaejoong, he simply replied with an ‘I’m there for you’ and stared at the ceiling. He was still wearing the same sweater and pants he had worn when leaving, he had just been out to buy new underwear and socks. Yoochun, on the other hand, had proven to know a lot about fashion. The one night when Junsu had met him in his pajamas seemed to have been an exception. Since then, Junsu had seen him in suits or fitting and stylish black pants with shirt. Because Junsu didn’t want to look the way he looked when Jaejoong returned, he decided to go home and take a shower and maybe get a few hours of sleep to gain strength before talking to Jae. And thus, he packed together the few things he had – a toothbrush and paste, shampoo and the underwear – and left. Yoochun was sitting at the counter, eyes widened upon seeing Junsu. He smiled at Yoochun when going down the stairs.

“How much do I owe you?” He asked, taking out his wallet. Yoochun looked at the computer for a while, then shook his head.

“Don’t pay. You’ll be able to pay it back differently in some time.” Junsu frowned, but still put back his wallet and slightly nodded.

“Thanks, then. For everything.” He smiled, took the small bag and left. He didn’t know what Yoochun had meant with what he’d said, but it didn’t care. He had been able to spend two nights at a Motel without paying a penny, and now he at least knew somebody. Even though Yoochun wasn’t particularly the person he’d run to when he felt bad, he still was grateful for knowing him.

***

The first thing he noticed when stepping into the apartment was the dust. And then, the wall. There was a hole in the wall. A hole. Junsu approached it and looked through it, clearly seeing the bedroom behind it. He took some steps back and looked around in disbelief. What had happened here? He frowned. The whole wasn’t big, only big enough to fit his first through it, but it was there. And around that hole, there were small stones and dust. And was that blood? He blinked a few times, again looking through the hole. He shook his head and before going to shower, he decided to clean up. No matter what had happened Jaejoong shouldn’t be bothered with something like cleaning when he came back. And thus, Junsu took a mop and started cleaning after throwing away the small stones.

When he finished cleaning he stepped into the shower, feeling more tired than he had before. He let the hot water run over his body and felt his muscles relaxing. He didn’t want to step back out of it, but it wasn’t even noon and Jaejoong wouldn’t come back before evening. Junsu definitely had to sleep before that, and even thought about cooking something.

He jumped out of the shower, examined the wound on his stomach for a second and nodded contently. It didn’t look too bad anymore. He stepped in front of the mirror and decided to shave. He hated the way he looked when his face wasn’t shaved. It wasn’t like he had a lot of facial hair, he barely knew any Asians with a lot of facial hair, but he still could see that there was something, and he disliked that a lot.

However, when he touched the shaver, he immediately regretted it. He could feel it pulsating and remembered the knife from weeks ago, which had felt the same way. It first pulsated, then vibrated, and Junsu was afraid of what might happen next. All he knew was that he couldn’t do anything about it. It was a different feeling than last time. Last time, it had felt surreal, and he had felt the urge to fight it. And even though it still felt unreal, he knew that he couldn’t fight it. He remembered wondering about how deep those small blades could cut when the door to the bathroom was opened and the feeling faded. Junsu looked into the mirror with widened eyes. It was Jaejoong who was standing there, staring at Junsu and the shaver. Before anyone of them could say something, Jaejoong took the shaver away breathlessly and threw the blades into the trashcan.

“What are you doing here, Junsu-ya?” He asked, his face pale all of a sudden. This wasn’t particularly what Junsu had wished him to say when they met again, but he still forced a smile on his lips and swallowed.

“I wanted to wait here for you.” He admitted, and Jaejoong’s face became softer. He embraced Junsu, his hands lying on the warm skin of his back. Junsu was happy to feel Jaejoong that near after what felt like ages when in reality it had only been two nights and one and a half days. He felt that he had to say something, but he simply enjoyed Jaejoong’s closeness. Maybe he would finally realize how much they needed each other and eventually open up to Junsu.

With this hope he pulled away and took a step back. He’d already forgotten he shaver. However, Jaejoong hadn’t. Never had he imagined that there could be something more important than Junsu, but this was more important. Finding out what was wrong was his priority now. Because he only could be with Junsu when he knew that he was safe around Jaejoong.

“What happened to the wall?” Junsu wondered and saw how his Jaejoong disappeared. His hopes dropped. Of course, this would’ve been too easy. “Jaejoong-ah…” He began, but remembered Yoochun’s words. He’d promised not to rush Jaejoong. And he wouldn’t.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for running away,” he finally said, smile on his face. “I won’t force you to talk to me when you don’t want to. Still, I want to help you as good as possible. I’ll stay by your side no matter what, and if you need something, just tell me.” He leaned forwards and kissed Jaejoong on the cheek before wrapping his arms around the latter’s waist and resting his head on Jae’s chest. “I love you, I just want you to know that. And if there’s something you can’t talk about, I’ll accept that.”

Jaejoong didn’t return the hug. Junsu felt that, felt that something was off, but he stood still for another few seconds before smiling at his lover and leaving the bathroom to get dressed. He didn’t hear the growl that escaped Jaejoong’s throat when he left. Maybe if he had, he would’ve realized how serious the situation was.

***

He’d curled up on the couch. Jaejoong had left to meet Changmin and Yunho, and Junsu had wished him fun with a smile. It was hard pretending that everything was okay. He hadn’t even asked why Jaejoong’s hand was bandaged. He hadn’t insisted on knowing what had happened to the wall. He simply accepted that it was broken and had told Jaejoong he’d call somebody to fix it.

Now that he was alone, he cried again. He had done that so often recently. He felt lonely. He moved all those miles just to live with Jaejoong, but wasn’t even able to be with him. He wondered whether he’d feel better when he could return to the army. He doubted that.

Worst thing was that he had nobody to talk to. Junho was calling him over and over again, claiming to feel that something was off, but until now Junsu had been good at hiding, realizing that he did the same thing to Junho that Jaejoong did to him. But he couldn’t help it and began to understand Jaejoong a bit better. Sometimes there were things you couldn’t tell your beloved ones, because they would worry more than strangers would.

This was what had caused him to decide the way he had. He’d called Yoochun and the latter had immediately agreed on coming over. Which was making him happy, really, since it was easier talking to Yoochun than to his brother. As he waited, he tried to stop crying. Why was he crying, anyways? Because Jaejoong was still avoiding him, no matter how hard he tried to ignore what was going on between them? He didn’t know.

When the bell rang, Junsu forced himself to stop crying and opened it. Yoochun jumped up the stairs easily and came in with a bow and kicked his shows off his feet. Junsu felt a little awkward and offered him something to drink, but he shook his head. Together, they went into the living room, where Junsu’s depressing music was still playing. He turned the volume down, but didn’t completely turn it off. Yoochun was raising an eyebrow, looking at Junsu with a question mark on his face.

“If I didn’t know how you looked the night you checked in in our Motel, I would think you usually look like this. But you look worse from day to day.” He began, and Junsu pouted. That wasn’t exactly what somebody wanted to hear. “You cried, didn’t you?” Yoochun asked and leaned back. Suddenly, Junsu wondered whether it had been the right choice to invite Yoochun over. He bit onto his lower lip, briefly nodding.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on? I’ve never met somebody who cried as much as you do.” Yoochun said and Junsu could swear that he could read in his eyes that the latter was thinking about taking Junsu’s hand to comfort him. And he could see that he decided against it, because they weren’t even close. Junsu embraced his legs and rested his chin on his knees.

“I’m not even crying so much,” he started, forcing a smile onto his lips. “It’s just that Jaejoong ignores me.” He cleared his throat, remembering that Yoochun didn’t know who Jaejoong was. He didn’t know who he was, what he did, and what he had done. The risks he’d gone through for being with him. Junsu hesitated. How much could he tell Yoochun? Jaejoong fleeing from the North was a secret. They knew that if they told the wrong people, it could have a bad end.

Screw that, Jaejoong is telling it the wrong people! Junsu remembered. “What I tell you now… You cannot tell anybody, okay? Promise me you’ll keep it a secret.” Of course, Yoochun nodded and promised it. Junsu knew that he was reckless for trusting him like that, but what other choice did he have?

“Jaejoong is North Korean. He escaped in order to be with me. We kind of got to know through the army. And then he was gone for almost a year. I thought that maybe he was dead. But then he showed up at my birthday party. Apparently, my brother and he had gotten to know each other. We met coincidentally, but after that kept on meeting and eventually ended up dating each other. And for half a year, everything was perfect. Jaejoong had a job and an apartment and everything was just perfect. Until Yunho showed up.” Yoochun was quiet, listening to Junsu’s words. The more he spoke, the harder it became to hold back tears. He told Yoochun everything: How they moved, how unsafe he felt in that apartment, about that Changmin guy, that he could help Jaejoong, about Jaejoong, who didn’t want to tell him what was going on. He even told him about the knife and the shaver, and for some reason it seemed as though Yoochun listened and even believed. When Junsu was done and started to wipe away his tears, Yoochun stood up.

“Can you show me the knife?” He wondered, and Junsu looked up at him, doubting whether that would really be such a good idea. Nevertheless, Junsu got up and led the older one into the kitchen, where he pointed at the knife that was lying next to the washbasin. Yoochun approached it and took it in his hands. For a moment, his eyes widened, then he dropped the knife and stared at Junsu.

“How did you do that?” Junsu wondered. He wanted to crouch down to pick up the knife, but Yoochun held him back.

“Don’t touch it!” He called out and pushed Junsu out of the kitchen. The younger looked up with eyes widened. He thought that if Yoochun could drop the knife like this, it wouldn’t be as bad as it had been weeks ago. They returned into the living room, where Yoochun looked around insecurely. He walked around and touched everything his hands could find, and finally fell back on the couch.

“Who was the last one to touch the knife? Jaejoong?” Yoochun wondered and Junsu nodded. Since he hadn’t been around the last days, it had to be Jaejoong.

“What about the hole in your wall?” Yoochun went on questioning, and Junsu pressed his lips together.

“I don’t know, he didn’t want to talk about it.” Yoochun nodded and Junsu felt as though he knew something. If he knew something and wasn’t telling it, Junsu would surely die. He looked at the latter, expecting him to say something. But before they could go on talking, Junsu heard the front door being opened. Jaejoong had to be back. But he wasn’t alone, that much he could tell. Yoochun looked at Junsu, whereas Junsu stared at the entrance of the living room, waiting for Jaejoong to step into it.

And he did. Followed by Yunho. They had been talking, but now that they saw they weren’t alone, their voices broke and they stared at the men sitting on the couch.

Suddenly, Yunho’s eyes widened. “You?” He asked, and it was clear that he didn’t mean Junsu.

No, his question was directed at Yoochun.

And Yoochun, smirk on his face, nodded. “Surprise, surprise, Jung Yunho.”