Junsu hadn’t told his parents about the incident, and Jaejoong had promised not to tell anybody. He did tell it Junho, however. He was his twin and Junsu had absolutely no secrets from him. Which was why, actually, Junsu had told his family about Jaejoong in the first place. Even though he knew that his parents loved him the way he was, it had been hard for him admitting that he was in love with a man. And now that Jaejoong was so distant and strange since Yunho showed up, Junsu wondered if it was worth it.

Stop thinking such nonsense! Junsu warned himself and turned around in the bed. He wasn’t lying in the hospital anymore, which was a relief. He hated hospitals, the smell and the coldness. But lying in the bed by himself, trying to figure out what had happened and why Jaejoong behaved so strange ever since, he wished himself back into the hospital with the hundreds of nurses asking him if everything was okay. There, he thought about how annoying it was that they checked on him every five minutes. Here, he thought about how hurt he was because Jaejoong wasn’t around as often as Junsu wished him to be. And worst of all, Jae didn’t tell him where he went or what he was doing when he was out of house. Not only caused it the younger to worry, but also be afraid of losing Jaejoong.

He forced himself to sit up and shook his head. No, Jaejoong and Junsu were meant to be together. No matter what, Junsu had to fight for the relationship. Fight for them to be together. He climbed out of the bed, holding his aching stomach and making his way towards the living room, where he could make out voices. Before stumbling into it, he leaned against the door, trying to find out who it was. He heard Yunho’s voice, of course Jaejoong, but there was somebody else. Junsu held up his hand to knock, but put it down again. He was home, after all. No need to knock when he wanted to enter the living room. He opened the door and stumbled into the room. Immediately, the conversation stopped and they were staring at him. The room was filled with awkward silence, which was strange since Jaejoong would usually shoot up and ask Junsu if he was okay and why he left the bed when he wandered around the apartment. Junsu bowed a little, feeling awkward and misplaced.

“Hello,” he greeted the men, of which he only knew Yunho and Jaejoong, and bowed again. “I’m tired of lying in bed. Mind if I join?” It was as if Jaejoong awoke from some kind of trance, because he jumped up and rushed towards Junsu, taking one hand of his and examining the body.

“Are you okay?” He asked and wiped a strand of hair out of Junsu’s eyes. His hair had gotten too long during the past weeks, but cutting it was his smallest problem currently. He nodded and squeezed Jaejoong’s hand a little, happy that it seemed to be one of the rare moments recently, where Jaejoong truly loved and cared for him.

“I am,” he muttered and wished that the other two would leave so that he could enjoy the time with Jaejoong. “I would just like to sit down.” With his chin, he pointed at the couch. Jaejoong turned around, hesitantly.

“Actually,” it was Yunho who talked, “we’re in the middle of an important conversation…” He looked at Junsu, then Jaejoong and his face said it all: Get rid of him. Junsu’s body tensed up as he turned his head to look at Jaejoong. Apparently, he could only see the back of his head, but he could tell that he was nibbling his lower lip and furrowed his brows.

“Being thrown out of a room in my own house from a stranger. Nice.” Junsu’s expression changed to a hateful one as he glanced at Yunho.

“He’s a friend.” Jaejoong’s voice sounded through the room and Junsu couldn’t believe his ears. Sure, he knew that Yunho and Jaejoong had gone through a lot together, but his lover couldn’t be so blind, could he? Everything about Yunho was wrong. Even his smile gave Junsu a bad feeling. He looked at Jaejoong in disbelief. The latter still hadn’t turned around to look at Junsu. He shook his head and left the room, banging the door as doing so. If he was still back in Jeju, he would’ve simply gone out to meet his parents, but he didn’t know anybody here. He fell back onto the bed and buried his face in the pillow. This is it, the beginning of the end, he thought as silent tears rushed down his cheeks.

***

It was in the middle of the night when Junsu awoke out of a nightmare. If only he had known that the nightmare was just about to start when he woke up, he would’ve kept his eyes shut. However, when he realized that he was alone- which was strange, since he clearly remembered Jaejoong lying down next to him and mumbling an apology before hugging Junsu from behind- he crawled out of bed and opened the door. He could see the bathroom door being slightly opened and could hear Jaejoong inside of it. The closer he got, the more he realized one thing: Jaejoong threw up. Junsu frowned as he opened the door, seeing Jaejoong over the toilet, retching. Junsu fell on his knees and patted Jaejoong’s back. “Jae, are you okay?” He asked, when the answer was obvious. Jaejoong shook his head.

“Junsu, go back.” He said in between retching, but Junsu shook his head. No way would he leave Jaejoong behind like this. When he realized that Junsu would stay, he shuddered and strengthened the grip around the toilet seat, causing it to crack a little. Junsu’s frown deepened when he saw the cracks in the seat and looked at Jaejoong’s hands. How had he done that?

Before the younger could ask, Jaejoong got on his feet, washed his face and leaned at the washbasin. Even from behind Junsu could see that Jaejoong was incredibly pale, his arms were almost white and his legs where shivering. He looked exhausted. “I don’t know what’s going on…” He suddenly raised his voice, but it was too husky for Jaejoong. As if he hadn’t used it in years. Junsu stood up, ignoring the pain in his stomach, and hugged Jaejoong from behind, careful not to lean on him, since he could see how weak he was at that moment.

And for a second it seemed as if Jaejoong would lean against the smaller boy, close his eyes and just enjoy that somebody cared for him. However, Junsu could feel Jaejoong’s body tensing up. The younger refused to let go off Jaejoong, but it seemed as though he had no other possibility. He took a step back and waited for the handsome man to turn around. He was pale, all blood had gone out of his face, the circles under his eyes were darker than ever, and he breathed heavily.

“Jae…” Junsu started, trying to find the right words. There was so much he wanted to ask, so much he wanted to tell Jaejoong. Why was he refusing to talk to him? Why did it seem like he trusted Yunho more than him? Jaejoong took one step towards Junsu, admiring the pretty features of his face. “Why do you keep distancing yourself from me?”

Jaejoong froze. “What?” He wondered, looking at Junsu as if he’d gone crazy. But Junsu wouldn’t back off, not this time. It usually was like that: Junsu questioning Jaejoong, the older saying sorry or telling that he loved him more than anything, and Junsu keeping quiet. Not this time. Something was wrong, something was going on with Jaejoong and it bugged Junsu that he seemed to tell everybody about it, even a boy he didn’t know- or at least Junsu didn’t know him- but the one he should tell it.

“Since that accident you’re not yourself anymore. You’re barely touching me, you’re not talking to me about anything. You keep meeting Yunho, and no, I’m not jealous, but afraid. Who was that boy who came with Yunho earlier? What had been so important that I wasn’t allowed to be there to talk to you guys? Why do you have so many secrets when I’m the one you should fully trust? You came here for me, you’re telling me that you love me- yet, I feel as though this love fades. And I know you will now tell me that I’m wrong, that you still love me more than anything, but you will not prove it. Everytime I touch you you’re tensing up, as if it’s dangerous to be touched by me. I hate seeing you like that, and I hate seeing us drifting apart. I’m willing to fight for what we have, but only if that’s what you want, too. Otherwise I’ll leave.” Junsu hadn’t been able to look at Jaejoong while talking. In the beginning, he had looked at his lover, but after some time he’d averted his eyes and stared at his bare feet. Jaejoong, on the other hand, had kept looking at Junsu’s face, seeing the pain he was going through while talking. It broke Jaejoong’s heart. He knew that Junsu was right, he was distancing himself from the younger. But only because he wouldn’t understand. Since that accident, Jaejoong had gone through a lot. When he was walking from the hospital to get a few things, he’d run into a car. A normal car, which he hadn’t seen when crossing the street. The engine was turned off and it was standing there, peacefully. However, when he was walking back again, he could see somebody getting in and the same strange feeling ran through Jaejoong’s body. And as soon as the man inside the car had the engine, the car sped up and ran over two innocent people, of which one died at the same spot. He hadn’t told Junsu about it, but for some reason he knew that it was his mistake. Just like the knife stabbing Junsu was his mistake, he just didn’t know why. If he told Junsu about it, the latter would think he was crazy. But that would at least show him Jaejoong was in love with him, he trusted him.

“Listen, I-” Jaejoong started, but couldn’t find the right words. How should he begin, anyway? How should he explain something he couldn’t understand himself? He sighed deeply, reached out for Junsu, pulled him into an embrace and kissed his forehead. “I can’t understand it, either. I’ve told you already, I don’t know what’s going on. I just know that something’s going on and it seems like Yunho and Changmin can help me finding out what it is.”

“Why do you think I couldn’t? What can they do that I can’t?” Junsu looked into Jaejoong’s eyes, desperately awaiting the answer. But Jaejoong had sworn not to tell anybody why Changmin could help. That had been the reason he didn’t insist on Junsu staying when the others were over. No matter how it had broken his heart to hurt Junsu, he had to do it.

“Changmin has information… About my past…” He stuttered, but soon shook his head. “I can’t tell you.”

Junsu shook his head and tried to hold back tears. He should’ve known it. Things had been too perfect to remain. Of course, he should’ve known. He should’ve tried harder to prove how much he loved Jaejoong and that he really could trust him. “This is ridiculous. If you can’t tell me, then who will you tell it to?” He asked, but refused to get an answer. He raised his arms and stormed out of the bathroom. Back in the bedroom, he got his jeans and a sweater. Jaejoong was standing in the hallway, watching Junsu rushing past him and getting his shoes on.

“Su, where are you going? It’s three in the morning…” He wanted to reach out for him, to get him to lay back down, but the younger held up his hands to make Jaejoong stop.

“I don’t care, I just can’t stay. You know what, just give me a call when you settled everything.” He waved with his mobile, before putting it in the pocket of his pants. Before Jaejoong could say something else, Junsu opened the door and slipped through it, closing it with a bang. Jaejoong stood there in the darkness, feeling his heart bursting into little pieces. He sank to his knees, silent tears rushing down his cheeks.

He will come back, he tried to comfort himself. He has to.

***

The streets were empty and dark. He wasn’t used to the darkness, nor to the silence. After all, he had been living in a city before. The countryside was so different and somewhat threatening. He wasn’t used to it and felt as if there was a monster lingering around every corner. That didn’t stop him from walking, though. He had no idea where he should go to, since he didn’t know anybody around here, and because he had been forced to stay in bed the last days, he didn’t even know whether there was a small motel around. And thus, all he could do was walk and hope. He knew that at three A.M. he wouldn’t find anybody that could help him, but that was okay. He could as well wait until the sun would rise, after all.

And yet, against all his thoughts, he saw a small building that had the sign ‘Motel’ on it, of which only the M was lit up. He didn’t know whether that was on purpose or because the other letters were burnt out, but he didn’t care. He entered the reception, which he found empty. But the fact that the door was open and that the room was bathed in glistening light told him that he was right. He pushed the small bell that lay on the counter and waited. A few seconds later he saw somebody coming down the stairs. His hair was long and held together by a hairband in the back, but that didn’t stop some strands to fall into his eyes. He was dressed casually in what looked like pajamas and greeted Junsu with a sleepy, yet smiling face. “Oh, a guest.” He said, as if it was something new. Well, when he remembered where he was, it even could be rare that there were people staying over.

“Hello,” Junsu greeted with a boy, but the ache in his stomach forced him to stand straight again. “I’m looking for a place to spend a few nights in.”

“Then you’re right!” The boy took place behind the counter and started the computer on the other side, still smiling. Even though he looked older than Junsu, the younger found that he had something about him that made him look young. Maybe his smile, maybe the welcoming look in his eyes. But maybe it was also his messy hair and the sleepy eyes, he couldn’t tell. “For how long do you want to stay?” He asked, typing something into the computer, before shaking his head. “Crap, I’ve told my mother to change that old thing, but she never listens. Well, I can’t officially take you in, yet, so I’ll just show you a room and we’ll settle it all tomorrow, okay?”

Junsu was a little surprised by that solution, since he doubted that his mother would be happy if she heard that- after all, Junsu could just spend the night and run away- but still nodded, following him up the stairs while he examined his surroundings. It looked like the home of an old, Asian lady would look. But it was warm and welcoming, a feeling he’d missed around Jaejoong for the last two weeks. There weren’t many stairs to take, since the building had only two stories and only about ten rooms. It did have a big breakfast room, though, which Junsu couldn’t understand, since it didn’t look like a Motel where many people stayed in.

“We make our money with the restaurant. Many people celebrate their wedding or birthday here, since it’s cheap and has place for the relatives to stay in.” The other explained upon seeing Junsu’s questioning face and the latter nodded. That made sense and explained why it was surprising when somebody came in without being a relative of somebody who partied here. When they stood in front of a door that looked like every other door on that floor, he gave Junsu the keys and bowed.

“That’s your room. If you have any questions just call 101, that’s my room, it’s across the floor.” He said before turning to leave. When he’d taken a few steps already, he turned around again. “Ah, and by the way, I’m Yoochun. Just in case you meet my mother, tell her you’re a friend of mine and therefore I’m giving you a discount. That’ll calm her down because of the lacking information of you.”

Junsu nodded thankfully and smiled. “Thanks, Yoochun-ah. I’m Junsu, just in case you need to tell your mother the same thing.” And with that, he entered the room, and leaned against the door when he was in the room. How did they end up like that?