“Shall I take his role?” I joke. As brushes tickle my face from the makeup artist and a gigantic camera aims at me, all I can think of is how Baro is about to take on his role as the main lead in our new MV.

“Sandeul, are you jealous of Baro?”

            A producer of MTV Match Up, a show that B1A4 is involved in, asks me this simple question. I pause for a brief moment even though the answer is obvious. “Yes, I am jealous.”

            Although I respond in this way, I do realize that if I had been the lead, it would have been really awkward for me to act and then watch later…

            Shortly afterwards, I am shown the video of what has been shot so far. The recording has Baro bringing drinks to a table in a café and sitting down with the beautiful lead actress. All I can do is laugh. How am I supposed to react? This scene just doesn’t seem to fit a guy like him. Seeing those two together makes me feel sick. I just shake my head at the whole thing.

            “One person will light a candle, another will blow up a balloon, and another will use the helium pump,” the director instructs. We all get into our positions in the balloon-decorated room. As the cameras film, we all take our roles and do as we were told.

            I inflate a purple colored balloon as our song “Only Learned Bad Things” plays over the speakers.

            That was fun, I think to myself after we finish and I walk off the set.

            And then comes the final scene of our MV.

            The hugging scene.

            I watch anxiously as Baro tiptoes towards the girl. This seems silly to me, since every time he moves, he obviously makes a sound, but the girl just acts as if she doesn’t notice.

            He taps her shoulder and after she turns around, he presents her with a bouquet of roses. With outstretched arms, he moves forward and she falls into his embrace.

            This whole thing is hard for me to watch.

            Jealousy.

            I find comfort in our leader, Jinyoung, who also expresses slight jealousy upon watching the scene. I peak over his shoulder to see Baro still holding the girl, his hand rested gently on her back.

            I knew that I’d be jealous, but I had never imagined that it would be this much, and this bad.

            Why is it this bad?

            All I’m doing is watching Baro act out a scene for our MV, in which he has to hug a pretty girl…

            I can’t sort out my thoughts and feelings. “I’m going crazy,” I tell myself.

            Indeed I am.

            Why?

            It’s because I don’t understand.

            What is there to be jealous of?

            What am I jealous of?

            Which leads me to ask myself this simple question, which I cannot answer clearly:

            Who exactly am I jealous of: Baro… or the girl?