Yuri’s

            As soon I reached the hospital, I rushed to the room where my mom was. When I opened the door, the only thing I saw was her sleeping peacefully. She’s gotten skinnier since the last time I saw her almost 6 months ago.

            I didn’t know why but I couldn’t move. I was scared.

            I stood at the door and stared at my mom. She didn’t tell me about her sickness on the phone, she just told me to get here as soon as possible.

            I was still standing at the door, holding the doorknob when my big brother brought me back to my senses.  

            “Yuri-ah, you’re here.” My big brother who was sitting in a chair near the bed stood up and went closer to me.

            I finally let go the doorknob and hugged him tightly.

            “Why is she here? What happened?” I could only whisper to him.

            He patted my back consolingly, “She wanted to tell you that personally.”   

            “But is she going to be okay?” I felt tears starting to build on the brim of my eyes. I pulled away from the hug and he just looked at me. He didn’t answer me and as if I knew what’s his answer, tears started to stream down my cheeks.

            He wiped my tears and hugged me again, “Don’t cry. We have to be strong. Especially you. You have to be strong.”

            I buried my head on his shoulder as I tried to stop my tears.

            “Yuri? Is that you?” I heard my mom’s voice. I pulled away from my brother and wiped the remaining tears hastily.

            “Mo-mom, yes it’s me.” I took a step toward the bed.

            “There she is. Come here. I miss you so much, dear.” She smiled and held out her hand slowly to me.

            I didn’t take her hand, I hugged her instead.

            She chuckled, “I guess you miss me more, huh?”

            She definitely lost her weight and also some of her hair.

            “Mom, what’s going on?”

            I sat on the chair beside the bed. She caressed my cheek and slowly held my hand.    

            She inhaled deeply before she answered me, “I got cancer, Yuri-ah.”

            It was like my heart ripped apart. I burst into tears right away. How could I be strong? Just when we’re getting closer as ever, she’s going to be taken away from me.

            My mom hugged me and I hugged her back, never wanting to let go.

            After some time, I still sat beside my mom’s bed. She told me they found out about it a couple of months ago, but she didn’t want to bother me until now, that things were getting worse and she ended up in the hospital.

            My brother came back to the room after he bought some food for me. Not long after that, my dad came and they told me that I should go home and rest a little bit. I refused because I didn’t want to leave my mom. So in the end, my big brother brought me some clothes to change.

            When night came, the nurse told us only one of us could stay in the hospital with my mom and I insisted that I would be the one who stayed. My brother and my dad reluctantly left. They promised to be back here in the morning. 

            It was almost midnight and I thought she was already sleeping, “Yuri-ah, are you sure you want to sleep here? It’s not good for your back to sleep on the couch.”

            “Mom, I don’t want to leave you. Don’t worry about me, okay.” I gave her a smile and sat on a chair beside her bed again.

            She smiled back, “Well actually, I am worried about you.”

            I looked at her confusingly.

            “Have you met nice guys in Japan?”

            She asked me the question I’ve been dreading about, “No, mom. I haven’t.”

            I strayed my gaze to anywhere but her eyes. How could I tell her that I was still in love with a girl?

            “Yuri.” She called my name and I looked at her again.

            “Dear, be honest with me. Why are you still single?”

            My heart screamed for the obvious answer, but my head told me not to tell her the truth. What if she turned back to her old self? I didn’t want that. I love the way my mom was right now. Not with the sickness, but the warm feeling she gave out and the way she dropped her stiffness around her family.

            I couldn’t answer her and just looked at her.

            She my hair lovingly, “Tell me, Yuri-ah. Tell me honestly.”

            What if she got mad again? What if her condition gotten worse? She shouldn’t bother by this kind of thing, by my stupid feelings.         

            I was forming words in my head, forming lies actually. But somehow I was unable to say anything.

            My mom was still my hair lovingly when unconsciously my tears started to fall down. She wiped it with her thumb.

            “You still love her, don’t you?”

            I held her hand with both of my hands, “I’m so sorry, mom. I wanted to forget. I wanted to be normal and love a guy like you wanted me to, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, mom.”

            My mom covered with her other hand. She cried also. I felt very guilty. My stupid mouth and my stupid heart.

            “Mom, please don’t be mad. I’m sorry. I..... I would try harder to find a guy and love him. I’ll find a way to change my feelings.”

            She didn’t say anything but I felt she tightens her hold on my hands.

            She finally uncovered , “No, Yuri-ah, I’m the one who needs to apologize. I was selfish. I was afraid what happened to me in high school would happen again and I didn’t want people to talk bad about my family. I didn’t care about your feelings. I just cared about myself. You’re my daughter and I forced you to be something you’re not. I shouldn’t care about what people say. I should’ve considered your feelings. I’m so sorry, Yuri-ah, I’m sorry.”

            I cried more. She said she’s sorry. I wasn’t hallucinating, right? We both cried for sometime before she finally calmed down and wiped the remaining tears on my cheek.

            I knew what she meant when she said she’s sorry, but I just need a confirmation, “Mom, what are you..... saying..... was... was...”

            “I have a gay daughter and I don't care about what other people would say about that.” She smiled lovingly at me and began to my hair again.

            I felt my eyes becoming moist again.

            “Oh dear, I made you cried so much today. Don’t cry again.”

            I smiled and shook my head.

            She was still my hair as I lay my head on her arm.

            “So tell me, what’s her name again? Jessica, isn’t it?”

            I nodded sheepishly.

            “I want to meet her.”

            Her statement surprised me, “Mom, she studied in the States and besides.....”

            “Besides what?”

            I frowned before I answered her, “I think she found someone else already.” 

            She looked at me for some time before she said, “Call her then. Let me talk to her.”

            I gave my mom a confused look, “Why you want to talk to her?”

            “Well maybe I can change her mind to get back together with you.”

            “What?! No! You can’t do that, mom.”

            She chuckled, “Why not? Don’t you want to get back together with her?”

            I could feel my cheeks heating up, it’s awkward talking about this kind of things with your mom, you know.

            “Well of course I do. But she looks happy, mom. I just want her to be happy, even if it means without me by her side.” I gave my mom a genuine smile. It’s true though. I did love her and I did want her back. But foremost, I just wanted her to be happy.

            “You really love her, don’t you?”

            “I do.”

            “That gives me more reason to talk to her. Come on, call her up, Yuri-ah.”

            I thought she’s going to give up on that already!

            “Mooooom!” I groaned in frustration.

            “Oh come on, I just want to know the person who my daughter loves so much.”

            I was hesitating. I haven’t contacted her for 6 months and now my mom wanted to talk to her just out of the blue?

            “Please, Yuri-ah? I promise I won’t say weird things or force her to do anything.”

            Please? My mom was begging me now? I exhaled, defeated.

            “Okay, fine. I’ll call her.” My mom looked so excited. I stood up and took my cell phone from my bag.

            I started to dial her number and felt anxious all of a sudden. I haven’t heard her voice for so long.

            After some time, she finally picked up.

            I didn’t hear anything on the other line, so I said, “Hello?”

            “H-Hi.” 

            I smiled hearing her voice, “Hey.”

            I didn’t know what else to say, but then I saw my mom was looking at me eagerly. Err... I guess I needed to say something.

            “Jessica.... how are you?”

            “I’m fine. How are you?”

            “I’m... okay. Umm... Jessica... there’s someone who wants to talk to you.”

            She stayed quiet for a moment before she talked again, “Who is it?”

            “Umm... it’s my mom.”

            Once more, she took some time before I heard her voice again, “O-Okay.”

            I gave my cell phone to my mom and she took it, “Hello, Jessica. This is Yuri’s mom speaking.” 

            Then, she motioned me to get out from the room. WHAT?! Seriously, what was she intended to do? I stood there unmoving.

            She covered the speaker, “Dear, can you give us privacy, please?”

            I gave her my disapproval look but how could you win against your own mother? So I got out from the room and wondered what my mom wanted to say to her.