Jessica’s

         I stared at my laptop screen and let out a sigh. It’s a picture of her with a couple of guys, who seemed to be her colleagues as they’re wearing office attire. I couldn’t prevent myself from thinking that maybe, just maybe, that one of the guys in the picture was her boyfriend. Maybe the guy who’s sitting next to her or maybe the guy who’s standing behind her with his hands on her shoulder? Nevertheless, she looked stunning and happy. Was she really happy now? With that job in Japan and her family who starts to warm up with each other. Didn’t she even feel a little tad of sadness? Like the way I feel now.

            We’re miles away from each other, we haven’t contacted each other since graduation day, but my love for her hasn’t lessen a bit. I still love her no matter what. So it’s really suffocating looking at how happy she was as I looked at her pictures on her Instagram account. I knew, I should stop looking and stop being a creepy stalker, but I couldn’t help to know how she is. Everyday after I finished my classes, I would open her Instagram account, her Facebook profile, and all other social media she has, just to know how she’s doing. Even though it killed me to see how happy she was without me, but I just can’t seem to stop. 

            Suddenly, a voice behind me brought me back to my senses, “Is that her?”

            I turned my head to see my roommate holding a bowl of popcorn and staring intently at my laptop screen.

            “Yes, that’s the one I told you about.”

            Her name was Yoona. She also took master degree in the same university as me. Even though we only knew each other for 3 months, but it felt like we’re best friends since forever. I told her that I’m gay, the first night we met in this apartment, just like when I told my old housemates. She’s totally cool with it and very comfortable to be with. Somehow she has the same traits as Sooyoung and I found her features a little bit like................. Yuri. Yes, I think she looked like my ex-girlfriend.

            Would I consider dating her? Honestly, I did. She looked like my ex-girlfriend and brought comfort the way my best friend did. Of course, I would want a girlfriend like her. But I couldn’t force myself to erase the feelings I still have for Yuri.              

            I told her about how I still can’t move on from my past relationship and she even helped me to do it by setting a bunch of dates for me. I dated girls and also (can’t believe I agreed to it once) a boy. But none of them succeeded in making my heart beats faster like Yuri does.

            “Who are the guys?” she asked with mouth full of popcorn.

            “I don’t know. Maybe just her colleagues.”

            “How do you know they’re her colleagues?”

            I rolled my eyes, “They look like they just came out from their office.”

            “Well they look okay. This one looked like a bear.” She chuckled and pointed to the guy who had his hands on her shoulder. 

            I heaved a sigh and look at the picture again. She really did look happy.

            All of a sudden, she closed my laptop.

            “Yoona! What the heck?!”

            She spun my chair with one of her free hand and made me face her.

            “Enough with the stalking! You got exactly 25 minutes to get ready for your date.”

            “Again?! Yoong, I really thank you for your help, but I don’t think I want to go. I’m really tired.”

            Honestly, right now I just wanted to huddle myself in bed. Today’s lectures were tiring, but my heart was more tired after seeing my ex-girlfriend’s picture.  

            “Oh come on, Jessie. He’s really handsome!”

            I look at her incredulously, “A guy? That one time you set me up with a guy was such a failure! He knew I’m gay in like after 5 minutes we talked and we ended up talking about cute girls from the bachelor degree.”

            She laughed her infamous laugh, “Okay, okay. I cancelled your date for now and I should just stick to girls, huh?” She sat on the edge of my bed and started munching on her popcorn again.

            “Maybe I just stick to being alone.”

            “Aww, don’t be like that. You’ll find someone.”

            I went to my bed and lied in it, “I already found someone. She’s in Japan and out of my reach.” I felt like crying. I had cried a river for her, but I guess there’s still an ocean of tears left for me to cry out. 

            “No, no, no. You’re not crying again, missy. Come on, get up! You’re going for a date.” Yoona put her bowl of popcorn on the bedside table and proceeded to pull my arms so I was sitting up on my bed.

            I groaned showing my disagreement, “I don’t want to go on a date with him or whoever it is you’re trying to set me up with!”

            “You’re not going out with him, even though it is your loss. But you’re going on a date with me.” She pointed herself with her thumb.     

            I look at her confusingly. She’s straight. Well she told me she’s straight. Was she turning gay because of me? Why was this always happened? Did I have this special charm to make my room mate falls in love with me?

            “I’m not turning gay, silly.” She flicked my forehead to knock me out from my trance. “We’re going out as friends, as roommates!”            

            “But I’m really tire-”

            “Nope, I’m not taking no for an answer. Be ready in 5!” she walked away from my room and I just shook my head at her attempt to help me move on. It’s a futile attempt. But at least it restrained my tears to fall down. 

Yuri’s

            “Yuri-ah! Join us for a drink.”

            I just finished packing up my stuffs. It’s a long day at work and a drink sounded really nice. I looked at my colleague, thinking about his offer. His name was Taewoo and he’s actually the only colleague I felt comfortable with, since he’s also came from the same country as mine. Even though he’s older and had worked here for years.   

            He looked at me expectantly.

            “Sure, why not.” I gave him a small smile.

            “Yeaaah! Yuri-chan is coming guys!” he turned around to the other guys and gave them high fives. I just chuckled at his silliness.

            There’s not many female employee in this company, so I guess they love having me for a change.

            As soon as we arrived at the place, we had drinks and I felt a little bit relax.

            “So, it’s been 3 months since your stay in Japan. What do you think of it?” Taewoo started the conversation.

            “It’s really nice here and the people are really polite.”

            He nodded at my answer and stood up abruptly, “Uh, sorry. I need to go to the bathroom.”

            “Have you found someone yet, Yuri-chan?” my other colleague who sat across me asked with a smile tugged on his face.

            I chuckled at his question, “Nope.”

            “That’s fortunate! Because he has a crush on you.” He pointed to the guy who sat beside me.

            “Shut up!” he turned red and threw a ball of tissue at my other colleague. The others just laughed. I laughed along.

            We talked and laughed about random stuff. I could say it was really refreshing going out with them. At least it took my mine off her. I couldn’t help to take out my cell phone and started to flick through the pictures in it. At first it was pictures of my family. My mom was smiling but also having moist eyes as she hugged me on the day of my departure to Japan. She’s really a different person now. No more stoic expression and she showed her affection a lot more.

            I came across pictures of my old housemates. I smiled to myself. I really miss them. I chose to live by myself here. So I really missed having 5 other girls whenever I got home.

            Finally I found the picture I was looking for. It was her, smiling brightly at me. The next picture was her sleeping. I took it without her knowing. There’s countless of her pictures on my cell phone also pictures of us together and I stopped at this one particular picture. It’s actually an ordinary one, where we just sat side-by-side and smiling happily.

            “Hey, Taewoo’s back! Let’s take a picture!” someone suggested out of the blue.

            “Yeaa~” Taewoo stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulder. I smiled as the picture was taken.

            Without noticing, my cell phone was still showing my picture with her.

            “Hey, who’s that? She’s pretty!” 

            I locked my phone instantly and put it on my pocket, “It’s no one.” I did feel comfortable with him, but not to the extent until I could tell him everything. He took his seat beside me and took a sip of his drink.

            “Did you miss home, Yuri-ah? Miss your family?”

            “Yes, badly.” I was homesick. I know, I spent my college years without my family in town. But things were different now. With my mom warming up, I felt my dad and brother also changed. Besides, I was in another country now. It’s a whole different feeling for me.

            “What do you do on the weekends?”

            “Staying at home or walking around town by myself.” I smiled bitterly. I haven’t made many friends here.

            “Then have lunch at my house tomorrow! My wife’s cooking is incredible and maybe you can be friends with her.” He said excitedly.

            I lit up at her last statement, “Is she also-”

            “She’s Japanese.” He laughed as I frowned instantly, “But she can speak Korean very well.”

            I smiled at him again, “Thank you for the offer, Taewoo Oppa. I really appreciate it.”

            “Of course. I know how lonely it can be, having to work in a foreign country.”         

            I heave a sigh and took a sip of my drink. Honestly, I was happy with my work and the way my family is now. But I did feel lonely at times. Not because I didn’t have friends yet, I knew somehow I would gain friends here. However, I long for her. No matter how hard I tried telling myself that she was something I need to sacrifice in order to have a loving family, but I just couldn’t forget her. I miss my ex-girlfriend.

            I miss Jessica so damn much.