There’s going to be a moment in your life when you first look at someone and realize that you’re in love.  You’ll realize, wow, they’re all I ever wanted and more.  They’re everything that’s been missing from my life and everything that I never want to be without.  You’ll want to say, please never leave me.  Please don’t ever go.  I built myself around you and my walls will fall in on me if you disappear.

And maybe you’ll be lucky.  Maybe they’ll say they’ll never go.  Maybe they’ll stay with you, through hard times and bright days.  Maybe they’ll tell you the same thing.

Maybe you’ll be unlucky.  Maybe they’ll say that they’re going to fade away soon.  They’ll leave you because you don’t matter to them as much as they matter to you.

But God forbid they tell you that they love you and then fail to hide it from you that it was a lie.  Run.  Run as fast as you can, before you lose the ability to stand.  Look away.  Hide.  Because the footsteps of them leaving sound like them coming back to kick you down again.

“Taeyeon, are you alright?”  Sunny peeked in the bedroom.

The members had left Taeyeon alone for a while.  She was grateful that they allowed her to clear her thoughts but being alone was when everything seemed worse.

“No.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”  Taeyeon hugged her knees and pressed her back to the wall.  “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.”

Sunny sighed and joined Taeyeon on the floor, mimicking the position of the vulnerable girl who seemed to be on the verge of tears.

“I’m tired.  I’m so tired of hurting.” Taeyeon voice reduced to a near-whisper.

“Love is supposed to hurt.  The only way you can love anyone is to let yourself be vulnerable to them.  And you did just that.”

“Everything reminds me of her and the thought of her hurts.”

 “Taeyeon, all you have to do is talk to her.  She loves you.  If not in a couple sense, she still loves you as her best friend.”

“I think out of everything, that would hurt the most; to watch her smile and laugh with me but also knowing that she’s covering what happened.  Being friends with someone who doesn’t love you the way you’re in love with them hurts.  It hurts more than not knowing them.”

“Sulk all you want, Taeyeon.  Clear your mind first.  But please.  Go talk to her.”  Sunny left and closed the door behind her.

Taeyeon looked to the bookshelf across the room.  She opened the old notebook which was wedged between a Korean-English dictionary and a pink diary.  Instantly, she was greeted by hundreds of pictures and quotes, scribbled down in a combination of two different styles of handwriting that somehow fit together.

If you live to be a hundred, I hope I live to be a hundred minus a day so I never have to live without you.

I woke up this morning to the sound of Tiffany’s voice.

Yes, I’m very fond of her.

I really like you.  And I’ve also been grateful.  I can’t seem to express those types of feelings well right away and especially, I think I act that way towards you.

We stare at each other in the car and fall asleep without knowing.

Do you know that I really really love you, and really really cherish you?  Do you know?

She turned through the pages, quickly and in panic.  A picture fell out from between the pages.  Holding it up in front of her, Taeyeon started crying again.  She tossed it under the cover, on top of the first page and slammed the book shut, letting a tear fall onto the cover.  With a sigh, she pulled herself up and tossed the book to the couch.  She dragged herself back to the bed, deciding to waste the day away in bed.

____

Tiffany sat down on the couch.  She looked to the left and shifted the book onto her lap, brushing her finger over the wet spot, as if it would wipe away the tear that fell on it.

“Taeyeon…”  She whispered quietly, not to wake the sleeping girl on the bed.

She opened up the book to the first page, finding the photo that had fallen out when Taeyeon went through the pages.  It was a photo from their trainee days.  They were walking near the Han River together, holding hands and enjoying the breeze.  It was back when their fellow members would tease them about acting like a couple and looking like they could be lovers.

__FLASHBACK__

“Yah!  TaeNy!  How’s your romantic date going?”  Hyoyeon yelled from behind while Yoona stuck out her tongue at them.

The pair in front of them chuckled.  Suddenly a force pushed them both forwards.  Sooyoung had wrapped both her arms around them held up a Polaroid picture.

“So uh, when are you going to get married?”  She shoved the picture into Taeyeon’s pocket before dodging the smack from Tiffany.

Taeyeon removed the photo from her pocket.

“Fany-ah.  Let’s keep it somewhere safe.”

“Why?”

“Maybe one day, you WILL be mine.”  She grinned, joking and yet, unknowingly being serious.

“What are you talking about?  I already AM yours.”  Tiffany grinned back.

____

Tiffany closed the book and sat on the bed beside Taeyeon, who seemed to have already passed out again.

“Taeyeon, are you awake?”

No response.

She sighed.

“Taeyeon.”  She whispered.  “I’m sorry.  Maybe we were being stupid, thinking that all this could work out, knowing the position that we’re in.  It’s impossible.  The world isn’t ready for us.  I don’t know where this will take us but… No matter what,” She wiped her eyes.  “Remember that I love you.”  She brushed Taeyeon’s hair out of her face and kissed her on the forehead before standing up.  “I’d give this all up, you know?  My dream, when I first came here, was to let the world hear my voice.  But now, the world has heard my voice.  And I realize that it’s not as great as being with you.”  She turned and headed for the door.

I wish I could turn back time and fix everything.  I didn’t know he would do such a thing.  I didn’t know that people could be greedy enough to ruin lives for money.  I expected underhanded methods of becoming rich but I didn’t expect them to sink to such a low level.  But I guess that’s the world.  You were right.  There isn’t a single for-profit company that isn’t run by greedy tyrants who are willing to delve into and tamper with the personal lives of others for monetary gain.  It’s true.  It really is true.  I know that now.  I’m sorry I didn’t see it coming.  Looking back, it seemed obvious.  Nichkhun’s gifts… his manager taking all those pictures of us… the way the press always knew where we were.  And of course, the way his ‘friends’ were always held back, leaving us to be the only ones left at a meeting.

Once the door closed, tears poured out of the girl on the bed.

“I love you.  I love you so, so much.”

____

Slowly, Taeyeon opened her eyes, leaning over to read the clock.  She fell back into her pillow with a defeated sigh.  The empty space next to her seemed to grow with every painful breath that she took.  It felt cold at night.  She missed the tangle of messy locks that would flow annoyingly in her face and the helpless feeling of being pinned down and kissed senseless.  It was a suffocating love, but she didn’t feel like she needed air.  Suddenly being able to breathe was a rather painful sting.

She sat up and caught glimpse of a flash of white in front of her.  A small white square was resting on her lap, on top of the blanket.  She reached forward and held it towards the moonlight of the window.  A message was written on the back.

There’s a moment in everyone’s life when they find out what they want to do.  At this point, we’ve made it.  We made our dreams into a reality, and yet things feel empty to me with just that.  I thought I’d made a mistake.  But then I took one look at you and I realized that I did the exact opposite.  Be patient with me.  I’m figuring things out.  I don’t know how I feel, but I’ll know soon.  Take care.

• Tiffany

15/07/07

Tiffany’s name became distorted by the refraction of the tear that landed on top.  Taeyeon wiped it away, half-glad and half-pained that the name remained there without a smudge, solid and untouched.  She turned the photograph over.  The image was fairly clear for such an old photo, the colours only fading around the two young girls in the center.  It was as if someone had recoloured it, purposely making the surroundings blurry and sharpening the two smiles that were shown.

Tiffany’s face showed content as she was receiving a gentle kiss on the cheek from none other than Taeyeon.  The two of them were facing their backs to the river, ignoring the magnificent view behind them.  Tiffany had her hand on her chest with her fingers wrapped around the lock charm of the necklace which hung around her neck.  Taeyeon had one arm around Tiffany’s waist and one hand holding a rose.

“It was her birthday.”  Taeyeon said out loud.  “We’re getting older.”

She slipped out of bed and went to the living room, deciding to quietly play guitar while most of the members have either gone to sleep or left for home.  The clock showed 4:30am, making Taeyeon wonder why on earth she had to wake up at night.  She cursed herself silently for continuously upsetting the sleep schedule that had been trying to get back on track.

____

Tiffany yawned.

Stupid late night schedule…

She glanced at her watch.

4:37am…

Tiffany swore under her breath, feeling discouraged by the work it would take to be able to fall asleep on time, the next day.  She opened the door, quietly, so that she wouldn’t wake up the other members.  To her surprise, the dorm wasn’t as silent as usual.  Tiffany heard the sound of a guitar and a muffled, yet melodious voice.  She furrowed her eyebrows and wondered…

Who on earth is singing at this hour?

She followed the music and felt her way around the corridor of the dorm until she made her way to the living room.  Tiffany stood in the darkness, making her invisible to the familiar girl who was sitting on the couch, strumming away and singing.

“I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

I want you back

I want you back

My neighbors think I'm crazy

But they don't understand

You're all I had

You're all I had

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself talking to the moon.

Trying to get to you

In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too.

Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?”

Tiffany stood in the darkness and quietly listened while closing her eyes.  She smiled, being able to hear Taeyeon’s voice without feeling tension between them.  Suddenly, Taeyeon stopped.  Tiffany opened her eyes as Taeyeon stood up, bringing her hands to her face to wipe a few tears away.

“I’m pathetic.  Tiffany is gone for a few hours and I’m suddenly singing love songs to myself.”

“…  I think it’s sweet.”  Tiffany walked into the light and smiled at Taeyeon.

“H-how long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to watch you sing the first half of one of my favourite songs.”

“I’m sorry, Tiffany.  Our manager won’t let us be together.  But I can’t help feeling terrible with every passing second.  I…”

“I…?”

“I can’t say it.  Not when I know you wouldn’t say it back to me.”  She stepped back, creating distance between them.  “I saw your message – the one you wrote on a photograph before our debut.  You feel different now, don’t you?  The feeling you were exploring?  It’s gone now, isn’t it?”

Tiffany sighed and put her hands on Taeyeon’s shoulder, drawing her closer.

“But let’s just forget about all that for tonight.”

“It’s not right, is it…?”

“Forget about all that.  We have time to figure it out.”

“But-”

Tiffany shut her up with a kiss.  At first, Taeyeon’s eyes remained open as she stayed completely still, before she finally gave in and kissed back.  It wasn’t like their other sweet moments.  It was a moment in sadness and desperation, making both of them cry upon contact.  The kiss grew rough and careless as they stumbled through the house and into a room, not bothering to be quiet while slamming into walls.  It hit them that it didn’t matter what they wanted.  No matter how much they wanted to break the rules and be with each other, they couldn’t let the other girls down.

____

The sunlight hit her face through the blinds, waking her up.  Tiffany yawned and looked up, finding her favourite face on the planet.  She relaxed her body, letting her ear rest on Taeyeon’s bare chest, listening to the latter’s heartbeat again for the first time in a long while.  Suddenly remembering the fact that they were forbidden from seeing one another, she shifted uncomfortably but felt Taeyeon’s embrace tighten.

“Please stay.”  Taeyeon said, nearly whispering with pain audible in her voice.

Tiffany hugged her tightly, making a mental note to treasure every moment she had with Taeyeon.

“I don’t care what our manager says.  Let’s just be together, secretly.”

“I thought you said it hurts.”

“I don’t care.  Let me hurt because I’m used to it.  This is our life so we’ll hurt together.”

Probably the closest to a scene I will ever get.  LOL.

I've seen too much of that stuff on Tumblr good GOd.  People should really make it clear in their blog descriptions if they're the type to reblog that kind of stuff.  Yes, I know.  They did the do.  Shhhh.  xD  If it wasn't clear to you before...

It's currently 3:20am and I should really be studying properties of hydrocarbons and the theory of quantum mechanics but I'd much rather be writing about TaeNy.  Yeah.

Anyways.

I think I've found something with my writing.  It's kind of rough around the edges and it's certainly not going to be my final style, but it's getting closer to where I want it to be.  Hopefully, it'll end up being graceful but natural.  You know.. those fics with lines that are almost poetic.  They're too polished.  But oh well.  We need all kinds of fics on here since the TaeNy fics are probably declining a bit.

But here's a little gift.  Hopefully to make exams less stressful for the students who have them too.  Or for anyone like me, who really just needs some cheering up.

Happy reading! ♥

PS: Apologies for leaving you guys at pretty much the worst time of all time for the fandom here.  It's not going so well on my end and I really just lost my motivation to write fluff.  It's coming back but very slowly.  Hopefully your hearts have healed over by now with the whole dating news thing.