please brace yourself my loves,things gonna get angsty...i hate myself for doing this but...........

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Trails of sweat trickle down their face,the sweltring wheather makes them fidget uneasily,relying on the passing wind to provide them some form of comfort. Himchan sighs,watching the scenery from the open square of the carriage,meant to be the window. Jaehyo is currently checking up their food supplies,which Himchan knows had been obtained illegally,but at least if they didnt tell that to Jaehyo,its not going to be a problem at all. The surrounding swirls into a blended blurry of colours as the horses speed up under Jongup's command. Jongup has been quiet,too quiet after he had sent back Zelo to their home. There's nothing more painful than having to leave behind the person we love,but Himchan is sure Zelo might suffer more than Jongup himself. Being alone is just as painful,Himchan knows that much. But he cant deny that Jongup had made the right decision of keeping his brother safe at home. He could only pray for them,hoping that Zelo didnt end up having the same fate as him. Jongup has to live for his brother.

"Jongup,where are we heading to?" Jaehyo asks,his brows raise questioningly as he crans his head over the window between them. "Somewhere far. I dont have any specific place to go to." Jongup replies,much to the other's dismay. Jaehyo shrugs,at least no one coming after them yet. "Arent you tired? I can take over,i know how to handle horses." Himchan stares expectantly after he squeezes his way to sit next to Jongup. Jongup almost snort. "Let you take over and watch us die? No thanks." Himchan huffs,he really cant stand people who belittling his ability. "Just because i'm pretty dont think that i'm that weak and helpless,ok! We have herded horses before,i know how to control them! Dont think too highly of yourself,not everyone cant do things you can do." Jaehyo backs away from the window,praying for his safety. Himchan can be unpredictable and he didnt want to die yet. He hopes Himchan didnt kill Jongup.

"Fine,lets see your amazing ability then. Come one,take over the rope." Jongup cooly says,cocking a brow at Himchan in anticipation as he slows down the horses before holding out the rope to Himchan. Himchan turns pallid,gulping a few time before bracing himself. He refuses to surrender,he's a fighter,he can to this,this is a piece of cake. "Okay,watch and evaluate,Mr.I-Can-Do-Anything." Himchan takes the rope into his hands and drags himself closer to Jongup,expecting Jongup to move from his spot but that boy just smirks,his eyes glinting mischieviously. "What are you..." Himchan yelps as Jongup loops his arms around his waist,pulling him down to sit on the teenage's lap. "It will be safer this way. I wont let us die yet." Jongup whispers to his ear,resting his chin on the other's shoulder as he holds onto the rope above Himchan's hands. Jongup lifts their hands together to give a slight tug on the rope,making the horses move faster.

Himchan feels his skin tighten as Jongup's hot breath fans over his neck,redness ades on his pale skin as a healthy blush. He wont deny that Jongup's lap is comfortable,it becomes some sort of cushion whenever they hit a boulder. The warmth radiating from the sturdy chest pressed to his back is also comforting. To say he likes their current position is an understatement. He loves it. He didnt remember the last time he indulged in someone else's touch,he was busy taking care of others. Maybe he deserves this kind of break. A pleased smile etches on Jongup's lips as he feels Himchan leans back into him,resting his back on his torso. "You make me do all the work while you're being comfortable." he teases,watching Himchan's face turns crimson. "Y..You ask for it. Dont blame me!" Jongup let out a low chuckles,pressing even more closer to Himchan.

"Yeah,i've ask for it." Jongup murmurs just below his ear,his lips ghosting over Himchan's flawess skin. Inwardly shuddering,Himchan feels his body turn rigid,flinching a bit out of reflex. He has been traumatised,he didnt expect this kind of touch,it reminds him of how painful it was to be rawly tortured inside and out. "I'm sorry." Jongup quickly retorts,noticing how Himchan tenses by his blatant move. He really didnt mean it like that,he didnt even realise what he was doing. Avoiding further discomfort,Jongup leans back as far as he can from Himchan,hoping the older didnt think differently of him. With a few blinks,Himchan recovers,awkwardly scratching the non existance itch on his neck as he slowly let go of the rope,discreetly slides off Jongup's lap,returning to his seat on Jongup's left side. Jongup mentally curse himself,he didnt dare to look at Himchan's face anymore.

"I'm sorry,wont do that again. I didnt know what i was thinking."  he utters quickly,his gaze fixed on the road ahead. Leaning his back on the window,Himchan closes his eyes,sighing heavily. "No,its ok. I'm just a little bit traumatised. I just...i cant.. I think i cant handle that kind of touches anymore. Its not your fault,its mine. And i hope you.. You just trying to be friendly,right? I really want us to be friends forever,all three of us. I really do. " his delicate tone merely conceals the poisonous truth behind his words. Jongup's face is void of emotion as he gives a slight nod,not even bother to glance at Himchan,afraid that he might see the hurtful look on his eyes.

It had been stated loud and clear,Himchan didnt want to be emotionally involved with him. Himchan didnt want to love him. There is no room for him in Himchan's heart. Ofcourse they still friends,but did he come this far to be just a friend? Does all of this worth his sacrifice? Did he still have feelings for Himchan? Yes. Will he keep his promise eventhough Himchan refuses to reciprocate his feeling? Yes. He decides that he didnt mind being just friends as long as he can keep Himchan safe and unharmed. He is the man of his word. A broken heart will not stop him from fulfilling his promises.

"Perhaps one more day." Jongup says to himself as he identifies their bearing. It is raining heavily that day,Jongup has parked the horses under the biggest tree,hoping that it provide a shelter for the horses,erecting a tent over them with synthetic canvas he had found on the way. They are stranded in a middle of a wood,in the rain,with no exact knowledge of their bearing. The three of them are squeezed together under on thin blanket,shivering due to the bad wheather. Jongup passes the thermos to Jaehyo next to him after sipping some of the liquid. The strong taste burns his throat. Jaehyo lifts the thermos to his lips but pause midway,eyes suddenly widening in horrification. "This is not water! Its alcohol! Jongup,you're underage! You shouldnt drink this!" he reprimands,holding the thermos away from his face in disgust.

"It warms your body. And who cares about age anyway,when you act like a 5 years old." Jongup voices indifferently. Jaehyo gasps. "Still,its not legal. And i dont drink. And i dont act like a 5 years old." Himchan snatches away the thermos from Jaehyo's hand. "Give me that if you dont want it. Jeez,you're the only adult in the world that doesnt drink." Himchan end his words with a big gulp of the vodca,smiling as he relishes the warmness spread through his system. He takes a few sips more before Jaehyo pulls away the thermos,shaking his head dissaprovingly. "Dont drink too much,you will get drunk. I dont want anyone act inappropriately in this cramped space." Himchan drops his head,chuckling silently. His brain turns fuzzy as the alcohol kicks in,intefering with his nerves system.

"I. Am. Not. Drunk. It taste so nice." Himchan slurs as he reaches out a hand to grab the thermos. Jaehyo groans,passing the thermos to Jongup before the teen keep it away out of the drunk Himchan's sight. "Here comes problem." Jaehyo mumbles as Himchan starts giggling like a high school girl on a date. "Jongup. My dear Jongup." Himchan calls as he crawls pass through Jaehyo to squeeze his body next to Jongup. Jongup frowns,he really doesnt need this. He averts his gaze,staring at the leakage on the ceiling,face emotionless. "Jongup,i know you like me. But please dont. I cant like you back." Himchan mutters between his hiccups,placing his palm on top of Jongup's cold hand.

Jaehyo bites back a gasp hearing this abrupt revelation. That's explain why yesterday the two were being flirty but suddenly becomes very awkward after. Jongup clenches his jaw real tight that it hurts his teeth,but the words spoken hurts more than anything physical. Himchan blinks slowly before smiling warmly,fishing a hand into his pocket to withdraw a picture,tracing his finger lovingly to the photo before waving it infront of Jongup's face. "I love this man,Woo Jiho. He's dead,but i still love him. I feel sooooo sad when he left me,it made me realise how much i love him. I know he loved me too,he had said it a lot of time before." He pauses for a second to breath out a heavy sigh,a single drop of tear slides down his flushed cheek. "I just..you cant like me,i cant afford to like you back. I dont deserve you,you worth someone better than me. I'm just a thrash,a broken one at that. So,Jongup,lets just be friends,ok?"

Through his cloudy vision and fuzzy mind,Himchan notices Jongup tenses visibly at his confession,the side of his face tightens as he looks away. Jaehyo silently swallows,waiting for possibilities. Jongup might get mad,or he might do something outrageous or he might leave them,or anything at all. But they dont really know him,so gawking is the first thing they did when Jongup tenderly pulls Himchan's head to his shoulder,his monotone expression betrays nothing as he sighs to himself. "Just shut the up,i dont need to hear all those bulls. Just lean on me,coz i had promised to take care of you. And i will never break my promise even if its the last thing i could do. Its my way of life,dont question it." the flow of his voice is languid with a hint of melancoly,it is obvious he is hurting but he will never let it get into his head. He is a man on mission.

Though the alcohol practically consumes his whole system,Himchan can vividly filter those meaningful words Jongup has expressed. His heart is constricting painfully in his chest and he doesnt know why. Jongup has been too kind to him. Too perfect. He definitely doesnt deserve any of those treatments. What makes Jongup falls for him anyway? He is nothing,he doesnt have anything left with him except for a piece of photo and a mysterious key. Moreover,Jongup has seen him when he was at the worst. Isnt he grossed by him?

“I..i..”  Before Himchan could utter more questions,his body finally succumbed to the dreadful effect of the alcohol as consciousness left his system,his fragile body drooped down by the gravity. Noticing this,Jongup immediately pulled his body into his arms before placing Himchan’s head on his lap. “Idiot.”,he mutters before straightening his back,wincing as his spine making various cracking sounds. Jaehyo observes silently at how Jongup’s eyes soften as the boy runs a finger to Himchan’s bruises cheek tenderly. The boy has been so different since they first found him. He has been a lot more human,a lot more caring and definitely starting to devolope some intense feelings for Himchan,which might be defined as love.

“Why,Jongup?” Jaehyo finds himself asking. Wandering his eyes on the leaking ceiling,Jongup ponders on the question. He knows there’s a thousands of questions concealed beneath the single ‘why’ and frankly,he doesn’t know which one to answer. “He makes me feel so human. And different. And he didn’t judge me based on my surviving skills and how many people i had killed. And he didn’t give up on me. He never give up. He is stronger than me in many senses. And he is so stupid he never put himself first,always concern about someone else’s pain first. And he never fail to smile,even in his worst state,just to make sure no one know he is hurting. He is that stupid. So stupid that it makes me stupid too,doing forbidden things i never dare to even dream of. I know it’ll be the end of me,but i don’t really care anymore. Pathetic,isn’t it?”

Jaehyo blinks rapidly,eyes never leaving Jongup’s face. He wants to hear all of it. He wants to know everything. Jongup has been so mysterious. Now is the time to learn about his true nature. “And you teach me how to have a real feeling. You never give up on me too,when i keep pushing you away initially.” Jongup sighs,glancing at Jaehyo who is staring at him intently. “I was different before. And i am different now too. I don’t really know what the difference but it makes me feel better and and the burdens i’d always carry feel lighter.”Jongup confesses,mindlessly clenching and unclenching his palms. He is amazed at how calm his heart feels right now,after talking to someone about the things he had been keeping to himself,locked in the safest confinement. Now that he has let that out, he feels more relieved.

Jaehyo nods knowingly after a while. “I think you always have been a nice person,Jongup. You just didn’t know how to express it.” Jaehyo smiles as he sees Jongup almost snort. “I just hope you didn’t regret you’re actions.” Jongup looks up at the ceiling where a sliver of sunlight filters through the crack,falling upon his face. “I wont. Just trust me.” A smile instantly graces Jaehyo’s lips hearing the determined tone of voice. Slowly,Jongup removes Himchan’s head from his lap before placing him on the bundle of blanket. “I wont lose both of you. If i did,i will lose myself too.” Was the last words Jaehyo hears before Jongup moves to the front of the carriage,once again taking control of the horses to resume their journey.   

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am sorry.......................dont hate me.............