FOUR

“Oh, so you do remember,” I sigh. He raises one eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything else, and for a while, nothing happens. Nothing besides my staring at him, and his staring at me. In that moment, all of it comes back to me as my eyes go blind, and my mind takes me back in time. Back to when we were young, back to when we were Big Bang.

“Hyung!” Daesung yells at me from the opposite side of the stage. I pretend I wasn’t watching him, and act as if I’m surprised. He’s walking towards me, each and every one of his steps perfectly match the beat of the song that’s currently playing. A girl bumps into him on his way, she apologises, and he gives her an ‘it’s okay’-smile. She blushes, but he’s already stopped looking at her. He doesn’t care about her for his eyes are on me, and mine, as always, are focused on him. Once he’s reached me, he flashes me a smile, too. But this smile is completely different from the one he gave the girl. It’s a smile that warms every inch of my heart, and it makes me wonder if he realises what he’s doing to me.

“Hyung,” he repeats. Softly now. Gently. Unconsciously, I lift my hand and bring it up to his face. There’s slight confusion in his eyes, so instead of placing it on his cheek as I so desperately want to do, I reach for the collar of his shirt and fumble on it. Carefully, I take a couple steps towards him until we’re close enough that I can feel his breath in my neck. I focus my eyes on his collar, but I can feel he’s looking at me. I’m sure he knows. It would surprise me if he didn’t. I’m bad at being subtle. I can’t hide it, I can’t help myself. I love him, I want him. But I know I can’t have him.

“Hyung, I’m nervous.” His eyes are burning in my skin, just like my heart is burning towards him. ‘We’re not friends,’ I think as I brush my fingers over his collar one more time. Instead of pulling my hands back, I place my right on his neck, and I hold his right hand in my left. ‘We’re not lovers.’ He doesn’t flinch, nor does he look shocked, or unpleased. He doesn’t show any sign of rejection, and maybe that’s what makes this even harder.

“Don’t worry,” I calmly say to him. My right hand moves towards his chin and pulls it up. My heart cannot be hidden.

“You’ll be great.” I then let go of him, and give him a gentle smile.

It hurts.

“Remember what?” Daesung finally manages to say something back.

‘Me. Us.’ Is what I want to say, yet I don’t. Because at that moment, a couple of men leave the men’s room while happily chattering. Daesung’s eyes shoot to my hand holding his, and it’s as if he’s just noticed it. He quickly retracts it and looks away. I wait until I can hear the doors close, and we’re alone again.

“Daesung,” I urge. He flinches upon hearing his own name roll of my tongue. I can see his eyes widen, even though they aren’t focused on me. Then he relaxes, smiles, and looks at me.

“Ahh, hyung. Long-time no see. How you’ve been?”

“How I’ve…?” I softly mumble thos