FOURTEEN

It’s dark. Which is natural, considering it’s night.

But oddly, this night feels different than any other night. It’s the first time in years the stars in the sky seem to shine brighter. It’s the first time in years the cold isn’t piercing through my skin. It’s the first time in years I’m sitting here, on this bench, together with him.

“What do you want?” He asks.

He doesn’t look at me. He hasn’t looked at me even once since he arrived. All he did was silently sit next to me without uttering a single word. To be frank, those four words are the first he’s said.

“Talk,” I say. “Let’s talk.”

He sighs and his shoulders slump a little. He really does look tired and I feel kind of bad for calling him out in the middle of the night. He looks like he needs his sleep.

“Daesung…” I start, yet I don’t continue.

I don’t know what’s keeping me from just saying what I want to say. It’s the same every time. No matter how many times I rehearsed it in front of the mirror; whenever I’m with him, my thoughts are all jumbled up.

"I'm sorry, Daesung," I softly say.

"I'm so very sorry." I try to look him closely in the eyes, but he refuses to meet my gaze.

"Daesung-ah?" I try.

"Don't," he mutters.

"Don't apologize. It only makes it worse."

"What?" It only makes what worse?

I try bringing our faces in front of each other by leaning in, so our eyes can meet, yet he keeps dodging it.

"At least have the decency to stand by your decisions. So many years ago you decided a life with her was what you wanted. Don't be a coward. Don't back out."

Finally, he looks me in the eyes. He places his hands on my shoulders and pushes me away.

"You're only confused right now; you don't know what to do. So let me be a nice dongsaeng, and tell you." He drops his left hand; his right lingers for a moment longer before it drops, too.

He his head and looks like he's giving some wise advice, but to be completely honest, I feel like shoving him down on the bench and show him I know exactly what to do.

"Unfortunately for you, it didn't work out with that woman, resulting in your current state."

"What current state?" I bite.

"You're feeling lost. But that's okay, I get it, hyung. If anything, I get it more than anyone." His eyes glimmer with a shade of sadness, but only shortly before continuing.

"You're just reflecting these feelings you don't know what to do with anymore on me, but they're not real. You just need to give it some time, I did so, too, and look at me now." He flashes me a smile, and for the first time in my entire life, I have no clue what this smile means.

"I'm actually happy, hyung. So you be happy, too."

As silence washes over us, I stare at him. When I listen closely, I can hear the sound of his breathing. I unconsciously frown when I hear the rate it’s going in; I remember that, and I remember what it means.

“You’re lying,” I state.

It’s not even a question; I just know it. Every time his breathing slows down a little too much, it means he’s not being a hundred percent honest. He’s never been able to fool me before, so what makes him think he can do it now?

“Do you really love her?” I ask when he’s not responding. “Are you really happy?”

He seems to be a bit taken aback by the question. “I…”

Daesung his head in my direction, but his eyes don’t follow all the way. He’s still refusing to look me in the eye and I hate it.

“Yeah,” he brings out. “I guess I am.”

This time it’s me who sags backwards. When I chuckle bitterly, I notice he sneaks a quick glance at me to register my reaction, and what it means.

“I’ve wanted to make you happy for so long… I never realised all I had to do was get out of your life.”

He snorts. “Oh, come on, Seunghyun. Be serious here. You’re the one who ended things between us, so don’t act so much like a victim. You had found your happiness elsewhere, so I had no other choice but to look for it with someone else, too. Or did you want me to stay alone and miserable for the rest of my life?”

“No, you don’t understand,” I bite back, then I lower my voice. “It wasn’t like that at all.”

He sighs again. “Oh, it wasn’t? Then what was it like?”

“I didn’t love her,” I say.

At that he only seems to grow even more annoyed.

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? That you left me for someone you didn’t even love?”

I want to say he’s wrong and he’s not getting it at all but he cuts me off befor