TWENTY-TWO

Slowly, and gently, my fingers brush along his jawline. I have to stay strong and not allow my eyes to stray to his dark and mesmerising orbs, or I’ll be lost forever.

The more I look at him, the more I realise what a fool I’ve been for letting him go.

“I’m sorry,” I breathe in a voice barely above a whisper. I’m saying that I’m sorry because I really am.

I know words can’t possibly heal the wounds I caused, or the pain I inflicted. I know words don’t have the power to glue back each and every one of the pieces of his broken heart.

What I don’t know, is whether I’d even be able to find every piece, because there are parts he hides, and always will hide.

I told Jiyong that right now, it’s a matter of all or nothing. Either Daesung leaves her and chooses to be with me, or he stays with her and that’s it.

Saying that, however, earned me a smack on the head—a hard one, if I may add—and a low, threatening growl. “Life isn’t that black and white, in case you didn’t realise. Grey is quite fashionable, too.”

But in all honesty, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do right now. I don’t want to idly stand by and look on. I don’t want to let him go that easily, I’ve already done that once, and I for sure did not enjoy the outcome. I don’t want him to marry her, for that means game over for real.

Yet I also don’t want to make him even more miserable. Seungri made it more than clear that that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m ruining the life he’s built thus far; a life I destroyed previously, too. I’m messing up the one stability in his life, by trying to become one as well, or rather; instead. I highly doubt he’d ever come to trust me as much as he once did, let alone allow me to get as close as we used to be.

You just know you messed up badly once you even ruined the good memories you once shared.

I know I’m the bad guy here.

There’s a sigh escaping my lips as I reluctantly place down his picture.

I’m at loss. What does he want me to do? His message said to forget about the past, but does that mean he’s willing to build a future? Or is this my delusional mind whispering soft strings of hope into my brain, waiting for me to grow entirely mad?

I feel like screaming, even though I no longer have a voice left to do so. Chances are high I tore my vocal cords by how I let out all my pain and despair in a load roar earlier. I am a pure blood idiot. I’m not acting in some kind of drama right now, so why am I living my life as if I am?

My eyes fall upon the picture again.

Daesung. It’s all his fault.

Before him, I was just your normal, average underground rapper. I lived for the cheers of the crowd. But when I met him, I found my once so beloved crowd slowly being replaced by one single man. One strong man, with a dazzling smile, and a strong personality. One man with a voice so magical, eyes so small, and a heart so big.

I no longer sought out the approving nods of anyone but him; I no longer felt the need to be around anyone if he wasn’t there. In my eyes, there was—and is—only him.

“I love you.” It took him so long to say it back to me, and when he finally did, there was no doubt it was more than worth the heart-ache. It wasn’t as if I had never heard anyone say it to me before, but there was so much about that exact moment that made it so incredibly special. It was his voice that played the word ‘love’ like a violin. Never before had I heard such a smooth, soft, and velvet way of pronouncing it. It was the moment, but most of all; it was him.

I knew I was done for right then and there.

*******

His phone buzzes again.

Somewhat helplessly, Hikari looks at the man sound asleep next to her. He looks so completely unaware of the storm raging through her head right now, so clueless as to how insecurity is slowly swallowing her up whole.

She wants to ask him not to leave her, beg him to stay, despite knowing he’d do so without her even uttering the slightest sound. He’s just that thoughtful, that compassionate.

Compassionate. Oh how she hates that word. The last thing she wants is for Daesung to stay with her out of compassion.

Love. She needs love, and she knows he loves her, just as much as he knows she loves him.

When the buzzing stops, she slumps back into bed. The only comfort she can possibly feel, is the warmth the pillows and sheets provide her. She doesn’t dare scoot closer and nuzzle warmly into his embrace. There’s something holding her back, and that something is the pleading message she read earlier.

Her fingers itched to delete the message, not only from the phone, but from her memory as well. She wishes she never even took the phone, she wishes she didn’t see. Maybe ignorance is bliss after all.

She didn’t erase it, though, for it’s not her place to decide. As much as she treasures Daesung, she treasures his opinion, too. If he has second thoughts, then she needs him to be honest and voice them out. This marriage is supposed to bring an end to her being second place in his heart, not securing her spot as solid second by the means of regret and what could have been.

Suddenly, Daesung stirs a bit in his sleep, only to wake up a moment later.

“Hikari?” He groans, shielding his eyes from the feeble light offered by the small lamp on her bedside table.

Hikari hums. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

A silent smile traces Daesung’s lips as he pushes himself up so he can see her better. “How come you always look so beautiful? Whether you’re going to bed, whether you sleeping, or whether you wake up?” He reaches for her cheek. “You’re gorgeous.”

She chuckles softly. “Creep, you watch me while I sleep?”

Daesung gently swats her playful hand away, then holds her eyes tightly locked with his. “Sue me.”

They share a meaningful look, their gazes conveying so much more than words possibly can.

That is, until Daesung’s phone buzzes yet again, and Hikari turns her head. “Pick up,” she sighs.

“No,” he assures. “It’s not important.”

Yet to Daesung’s surprise, she chuckles again as she slowly shakes her head. “But it is,” she corrects him. But he is.

With a sigh, he casts a cursory glance at the screen of his phone. The moment he sees who it is, his eyes shoot back to Hikari. It takes another sigh for him to push the red button.

“Aren’t you tired?” He asks, noting she’s awake, and that she’s probable been awake all this time.

Hikari eyes him for a moment, thoughts visibly flickering through her head; her brain working full speed. There’s a glint of agony laced with melancholy in her eyes. Yet she quickly hardens them. She nods once, as if having made a decision, then she slowly shakes her head and smiles, somewhat regretfully. “I can’t sleep.”

Daesung props himself up a bit and pulls her close. “Something bothering you?”

“It’s been six years,” she lets out after a moment of silence. “It’s been six years, and I almost forgot about it, too caught up in this happiness.”

His eyes fall on the calendar, and he understands. “You’re allowed to be happy, Hikari.”

“You, too.” She doesn’t look at him when she says it, but Daesung doesn’t need to see in order for him to know her reply is bathing in anguish.

Daesung frowns. “But I am happy.”

Hikari awkwardly laughs as the question ‘are you really’ lingers in the back of her head, yet she doesn’t ask it out loud, afraid of the consequences.

“I was so messed up, six years ago,” she whispers instead. “When he died, I believed I was broken beyond repair, that there was no way in hell I’d ever feel alive again.”

Daesung pulls her even closer in his arms in order to show her he’s listening, and that he’s there for her, unconditionally so.

“I didn’t think I’d ever get over losing my brother, and I was falling apart at the seams, yet I smiled nevertheless.” She looks up at him, thinking Daesung knows very well how the only thing the world and the poisoned people in it really want to see is smiles and laughter and happiness, and how choosing to become a public figure means only being able to do that. No matter how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning.

“You and I are so alike,” she says, then links their hands together. “At a time where I felt like no one understood, and no one possibly could, I met you.” Hikari brings their joined hands up to her heart as she whispers: “You saved me, Daesung.”

Daesung looks at her, having so much to say to her, but the moment he opens his mouth, Hikari says something else. “You once said you wanted the one you love to be happy, despite not being the reason.”

He nods. “I did.”

“I feel the same way. I want you to feel happy, too.” She casts her eyes down, now deciding to no longer look at him entirely.

“I already told you; I am happy.” Daesung shifts his position a bit, alarmed by the whole ‘despite not being the reason’-thing. He doesn’t comment on that, as he doesn't want to hear what she means by that. Instead, he does his best to capture her eyes, yet she skilfully dodges them again by looking at their hands.

“I love you,” she says in a quiet voice.

“I love you, too,” he replies in an equally hushed voice, and that’s when Hikari finally looks at him again.

“Not only me.”

To this, Daesung doesn’t know what to say. There are a lot of things going through his head at the moment. A thousand questions swirling through his mind, making him feel anxious, nervous, and mostly sick to his stomach.

He suddenly feels nauseous with feelings raging through his entire body, frantically trying to surface. It’s like an entire army is battling out a war right inside his stomach, as if there aren’t any better places to do it.

When she sees Daesung is about to deny it, she tells him; “You’ve been shaken ever since you saw him again.”

He thinks he’s going to be sick. Slowly, he shakes his head. “I don—” Daesung starts, but he never gets to finish.

“Let’s stop lying to ourselves.”

“What?” Daesung now sits up completely. He feels hot, extremely hot, uncomfortably hot. It’s as if any piece of clothing is trying to suffocate him and strangle him to death.

“We fell in love in order to cover our moods. But… Was that true love?” She does her best to hide her face in his neck, not wanting him to see her this wrecked, and this broken.

Daesung feels like pushing her away and making her look at him. He wants to shake her so wildly until she realises there’s no reason to doubt his love for her. He wants her to get that he’s there to stay, that he’s made his decision, and that there’s no way he’d ever