TWENTY

The ticking sound is bugging him to no end. It’s like every tick that follows, ticks slower, and slower, until it’s as if time has stopped completely.

Jiyong frowns. He doesn’t know what to make of the call he just had. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t seem to make sense of Seunghyun’s jumbled up words. He doubts Seunghyun even realises what it was he was saying, for when he ended the call, it was with an exasperated sigh and an annoyed “Yah, I don’t know either.”

If Jiyong is entirely honest with himself, he’ll say Seunghyun has finally lost it. Yet it’s still his hyung, and his friend, so he’ll never admit to having those thoughts out loud.

He heaves a heavy sigh as he pushes himself out of the couch. He needs distraction, and what can possibly distract him better, than his frisky lover?

Jiyong has seen the younger leave the front door a while ago, which means Jiyong won’t have to look far. Seungri’s feeling a bit down these days, so without a doubt, he’ll be sulking on the porch out front.

Quietly, Jiyong pulls the door ajar, eyeing the younger man. As expected, he’s absentmindedly staring into space. People that don’t know him might think he’s some kind of wise man, pondering about the meaning of life. Yet Jiyong knows him but all too well, and he knows he’s feeling troubled.

After a while, Seungri’s shoulders slump backwards as he picks up an old photo album Jiyong didn’t notice before. He’s thumbed through some pages already by the time Jiyong joins him.

“Reminiscing?” He asks when he realises it’s an album filled with photos of their BIGBANG-days.

Seungri doesn’t respond, he simply keeps his gaze on the images, smiling at most of them, scowling or tsk-ing at others.

It keeps going like that until they reach the last picture all five of them took together. Seungri holds his breath for a moment, vividly reliving that exact moment in his mind. He flashes a bitter smile before he turns the page.

From that point on, there are no more pictures of Daesung, and even the bitter smile on Seungri’s face disappears.

In the end, Seungri doesn’t keep going till the final page, and shuts the album with regret plastered all over his face.

Jiyong carefully eyes him, yet he wisely doesn’t speak.

“I’m sorry,” Seungri then finally says after what feels like an eternity. “Not just towards you, but towards Daesung as well.”

Jiyong nods. “I know,” he huffs as he leans backwards, supporting himself on his arms. “But does Daesung know it, too?”

Seungri shrugs. “It’s been so long. I feel like it would only mess things up even more.”

A low chuckle escapes Jiyong’s lips. “That’s ridiculous.”

“What? You’re calling me ridiculous?” Seungri scowls, turning to his side to face the other.

This time it’s Jiyong who shrugs, albeit more carefree. “The cat’s already out of the bag. He knows what happened.”

“He… He does?” Seungri stammers. He clearly didn’t know.

“Seunghyun told him. I already said this, didn’t I?” Jiyong answers, slightly annoyed that Seungri doesn’t remember.

“He said it all?” The younger never figured Seunghyun would actually spill everything. It stings somehow a bit.

“Yeah, only so many years too late.” Jiyong pushes himself up so he can examine Seungri’s face.

Silence falls over them as Seungri’s brain is operating on full power. Jiyong readjusts himself yet again, unable to sit in the same position for too long.

“They’re trying to make up, you know. I don’t know if they’ll ever get back to how they once were, but I sure hope they’ll at least be friends again.” He looks pointedly at his lover, who purposely avoids his gaze.

“If it wasn’t for them coming out to us, there wouldn’t even be an ‘us’,” Jiyong adds to make his point more obvious.

Seungri nods slowly, as if each nod is helping Jiyong’s words sink in. Only after a while he manages to say something, too. Softly. Carefully.

“Sometimes, I feel as if I took away their happiness, so we could have it as ours.” He in a whole lot of air before asking the one question he’s never had the courage to ask before. The words leave his lips silently, hesitantly, as if he would make them to be so painstakingly true when saying them too loud.

“Am I the reason they ended things back then?” He turns to Jiyong, his eyes wide, anxiously awaiting an answer. “Is it my fault?”

Jiyong looks at the younger, shocked at his outburst. “I… Is this why you are so mad at Seunghyun?”

Seungri squeezes his eyes firmly shut as he clasps his fingers strongly around the other’s shirt as if he’s demanding a proper reply.

“Why couldn’t he just have said the truth? Why did he lie like that just to save my undeserving ? Why didn’t he hold on to Daesung? Why?” He yells.

Another cry leaves his raspy throat while pulling Jiyong closer. “Why?”

Seungri buries his head in the elder’s neck. “I can’t even look at him anymore, Jiyong. I feel so unbelievably guilty whenever I see him. I was so glad when Daesung and I met up in Japan after so long. He seemed genuinely happy, and all thanks to Hikari. I don’t want to ruin his happiness again, so I can’t let Seunghyun mess things up again.”

Completely taken aback by the younger’s confession, Jiyong slowly raises an arm, and gently pats Seungri’s back before rubbing soothing circles.

“How are you so sure they’re messing things up?” He wonders.

Seungri shifts a bit so he can look Jiyong sharply in the eyes. “Daesung can’t possibly get out of this ‘mended’, Jiyong. Either he breaks Seunghyun’s, or he breaks Hikari’s heart. No matter whose it will be, his is already broken beyond repair.” He buries himself again.

“He loses either way.”

*******

I’m in a frenzied state right now. A state in which I obviously cannot properly explain myself, or the things raging through my mind.

My fists keep on erratically pounding the door. Open up. Please, just open up.

Then the door suddenly swings open.

“What?” The man huffs, his eyes widening when he sees me. “Oh.”

He stares at me for a while, slowly letting my presence seep in before he softly mumbles: “Why don’t you come inside?”

With heavy steps, I follow him. I can feel him shoot secret glances my way, but the moment my eyes and his eyes lock, he quickly breaks the connection.

He sighs once as he gestures towards the couch. “Sit.”

I nod, yet remain standing for only a little while. It’s not until he sighs again that I comply.

For a while, there’s nothing but silence. He’s waiting for me to start, but I don’t. I’m not even sure why I’m here.

When I hear some shuffling behind me, I turn around, and grit my teeth. Maybe coming here wasn’t such a good idea after all.

Without saying anything, I hurriedly get back on my feet. Yet I don’t get very far, as a hand firmly grips my arm. “Don’t go.”

I frown. “You probably don’t even want me here, so I better leave.”

“No,” he opposes. “Stay.”

For a while longer, I keep my eyes on him, carefully analysing his behaviour. I don’t sit back down until he does, too.

He sits himself next to Jiyong, and Jiyong immediately holds his hand while flashing him a look that clearly means ‘are you sure?’ Seungri simply nods as he waits for either one of us to say something.

It’s Jiyong that speaks first. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Yeah, well,” I shrug, “unexpected things happen all the time.”

He raises a worried eyebrow. “Hyung, what’s wrong? I didn’t understand what you were saying on the phone earlier either.”

Seungri nervously wriggles in his spot when I look at him. He looks like he has something to say, yet he keeps his lips tightly sealed.

I bite the inside of my cheek as I play with the phone in my hands. I can hear the message haunting my thoughts, and it’s killing me.

Jiyong scrapes his throat, not sure whether he should say it, yet he does. “I heard from Youngbae that Daesung came over.”

My eye twitches when I hear his name. “Yeah, he did.”

I c