Chapter 3: (His Misuderstandings.)

The duet he sang with YeonWoo Kim was part of the concert song list, a song called The Name I Loved. As he thought about the lyrics, he thought about the past and his heart ached and as the song came on his eyes had watered. He had sung many sad ballads just before this song in the concert but why was this song so hard on him, why did it seem to break his heart. Why did it seem like the world was going to collapse on him? Why? Why did all of his thoughts settle on the time they broke up? Why did it hurt so much, now that he thought about it this way? He was fine at rehearsals. As the first part of the song came on, he chocked up even though he was the first singer. His fists held tightly onto the microphone and started but as soon as he sang a few words his tears came falling and his throat got blocked. He put his head down to the left side of the microphone stand and let his tears fall.

He needed to get himself together; he needed her to see that he was fine, so that she could be strong too. He wiped his tears away because he wanted to be strong for s and for her. After all, it seemed like his world revolved around her and even tough he knew it didn’t, his mind did. Whenever he thought of something her name would pop up in his mind suddenly and it made him confused at first but now he knew that he loved her and he still does. He put himself together, it was he favorite song after all and even though it might have changed, she would have still been looking forward to hearing it live in a concert.

He put his head up to sing the next few lines but he ended up swallowing his own tears. He was shaking by now; he wanted the song to end. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down his breathing, wanting to be able to sing this song. He knew now, why he was crying so considerably, he realized fully that this was her favorite song and seeing her there, at the concert reminded him of what he felt about their relationship now. He remembered how she used to sing it in her bedroom when she thought he was busy doing something else at her house. How she asks him to sing it for her, how she said that she loved ballads and this was one of her favorite ballads, he never understood why as it was really awful listening to it. It made him depressed as he sung but he had done it for her, he wondered if she knew that this would happen to them.

She was the name that he can’t call out for anymore, the name he could not reach, the name that was in his cold heart, and the name that he loved.

He suddenly remembered all those special moments that he had with her and his throat closed up. He bit his lip and again put his head down as a sort of protection from the world so they wouldn’t see him sob, but they still did. He couldn’t get himself to stop, but he still continued on with the song, he had heard the fans singing along and as crazy as it sounds he thought he heard her voice too, feeling the same way he was feeling at that moment. Did she know this was going to happen? Is that why it was her favorite song? But that would be a horrid thing to think about. It made him feel crazy but at the same time closer to her, maybe he could still love her like the song. He knew though that it would be like that for as long as they loved one another, or at least he did.

Than he heard the other member’s sobs too, they were singing with him. They were his only rocks right now; they were the only people who knew fully of what he went through. What he did and didn’t do, what had happened when he broke up with her. They sang for him and for her, he knew. He couldn’t look up to see their faces but their voices were enough, their sobs were enough to make him feel hurt. It was his fault that they have to help him like this he had to be stronger. He has to be able to take one for the team, how he was acting was not something a leader should be doing. This had to stop he told himself but it seemed like it wouldn’t for a while, he wanted to say sorry for not being a proper leader for the past few months. He wanted to say sorry but they weren’t going to accept it, they would say that it was okay he felt this way. It wasn’t his fault and that they were there for him.

The part came when all of SHINee went to center stage together; he took his microphone and with a flat and shaking voice came out to center stage and sang with them. He had searched desperately for her, wanting to confirm his crazy dream of her singing with him. When he did find her his heart stopped and his breathing labored. She was singing with him, but she was crying too. It made his heart hurt more than before, she was fine a while ago. Did he judge wrong? Did she still love him? He wanted to believe that she did but also wanted to believe it wasn’t true because if she still loved him, than how much has she suffered? He didn’t want to think about that; she didn’t deserve distress.

Besides the pain will pass for her, she doesn’t need to hold onto him any longer, but he still held on. He held on because it was the only thing he had left, the memories will always is there and he would never forget her but he knew why. He knew why this happened and it hurt him, it brought him despair. He couldn’t help but wish, wish that it would disappear but at the same time he asked that it would forever remain. That the bittersweet feeling of defeat and salvation would remain in his heart, as if to remind him that she was there. It was taking him out of the stage and into his fantasies and with that he was able to sing the last parts of the song albeit breathlessly and out of tune. But he still sang it. The pain in his heart never vanishing but emanating throughout this song that made it even harder to listen to with the already melancholy lyrics.