Chapter 11: (Reality.)

Onew had a variety recording today and needed to be one best condition. It used to be fun, he enjoyed putting him out there, but now it just the life out of him. I seemed as if all the fun that came with it had disappeared. He didn’t have enough energy to go through with it but at the same time he always told himself to endure. He coaxed himself to do better than the last time, better than that time, to not get edited out. So that hopefully, maybe she would see him and think about him and how he was doing. He did his best so that the PD’s of the show wouldn’t edit him out of the shot. His acting skills by now have improves by a lot that he could film a drama without breaking character.

Taemin was with Onew for this recording and he had looked at his Hyung unconsciously for the past few minutes they were in rehearsal before the recording began. He seemed to be in a trance, an act that couldn’t be broken, that seemed bulletproof. But even though it was, it still could be broken with enough power and force. Though Onew’s barrier was up so high that Taemin couldn’t reach it alone, he had tried several times. During those tries Taemin had realized how much Onew had tortured himself to become like his. He had done this to protect himself and no matter how many times Taemin looked at it, it hurt Onew even though it seemed like it didn’t. 

Even though Onew seemed to forget about her when he was working there was a nagging part in Taemin, saying that the reason why Onew was working so hard was because Onew wanted her to see him. At the same time for Onew had wanted to forget about her even though for a little while. In Onew’s determination to not get cut out of the show though he overworked himself, that he forgets about his intentions but once he regains himself it comes back to him. A vicious cycle that seemed to be never ending and Taemin was more than scared for his Hyung and what could happen to him. Taemin wanted to call a meeting later for SHINee, except for Onew, to see if they can find a way to stop this scary Hyung.

Taemin wanted to be able to fix this because at this rate Onew and her would get sick in no time (he wondered how they survived this long). Nothing ever seemed to go in the way for those two in their lives and yet in every other time they did well together. Though now that they are apart it seemed like it would take forever to fix anything that happened. There needed to be a plan to get them back together, to see if they could reverse any of the happenings and help regain the happiness of his friends. Taemin was determined to set out and carry out his plan. Hopefully (he was pretty sure), that s would be there to help him.

Taemin looked hesitantly over at his Hyung who seemed was earnestly talking to the PD’s, VJ’s, editors as well as other stars. Onew looked so normal, but Taemin knew that Onew was about to loose his composure. With all the energy drinks Onew was using, Taemin knew how much energy it out of this body to act like that. He needed his plan to work and fast, for everyone’s sanity.

She said goodbye to all her co-workers a small smile creeping up her lips. It was a habit now, it always was. To smile when you feel down, so that maybe the world would grant you happiness, so that maybe people would understand the pain. She wasn’t very good at acting like she was happy when she was sad but what she was good at was turning her self off from the world. Anything that the world threw at her she tuned out as much as possible. It made her seem to be gloomy and unwary of everything around her. Which was partially true but most of the time the emotion that welled up inside of her during that time was remorse. Remorse of what could have happened and what should have happened. It had made her head run in circles and whenever she found a right answer another question and another contradicting answer will come out that it all just became confusing.

There was no simple answer, as she could not read minds, nor could she feel what others feel unless shown to her. It was frustrating but at the same time rewarding. Finding out about human life was interesting to her, but sometimes she wished she could just forget about all of those things for they fuel the already burning flames in her heart. The ones that seemed to never to go out, her thoughts only played with her. She felt like she was going crazy, but than again knowing that she was crazy meant that she wasn’t crazy. But fro some reason she knew she would go mad if everything continued the way it did. Her thoughts would become darker and darker until it reached a point of no return.

Her thoughts would swarm around ifs and could have been. It was never good to look back and regret. It was never good not to look forward, for if you don’t look forward nothing good will come out of your thoughts. Looking forward gives you hope that helps you move on, that helps you become a better person. Sure hope can be dangerous and hostile if things go wrong but the important thing is that no matter what happens you can change the future that’s why there’s hope.

To help you achieve those things and that’s why she needed to look forward and not drown herself in her own thoughts but at the same time she could not feel it. She could not feel the hope of moving forward if she didn’t have the closure she needed. She saw hope but couldn't feel it and feeling something was essential to moving onwards. She would have to face all of them sooner or later, hopefully with some answers of her own and their answers prepared. And hopefully hope would appear.