You know what I hate about my job?

We feed people lies. We tell them about happy endings and meeting your ideal person and being with them for the rest of your life.

Being a romance novel writer I’m obligated to write a story that has an emotionally satisfying and optimistic ending. Look it up on Wikipedia.

These novels are what people would spend their money on but oddly enough, that thought makes me sad. Are they that desperate for happiness that they have to resort to this make-believe love stories written by people like me?

Would they feel betrayed if I tell them that I, myself, am not happy? I was romantically involved with someone but that all ended and I’m left with this huge and gaping hole in my heart that no amount of comedy films, ice cream, chocolate and sleep could fill.

All the cheesy lines that I’ve written. The “I love you’s” spoken by the made-up characters and the creative ways they show their love to their significant others.

Love. I could only shake my head at the word. It’s funny how easy you cold toss it to someone nowadays.

I love you. You say to someone you’ve only seen twice.

I love you. You say to someone you see on TV and who you probably won’t ever meet in person.

I love you. You say to someone you hang out with four times.

I love you. You say to someone whose name you don’t know but whose face has enchanted you every time you see them on your way to the office.

And the list goes on.

I laugh at how people want the term “I love you” to still feel special. You say it to inanimate objects. To an air conditioner when it’s too hot. To a radiator when it’s too cold. To your mobile phone. To your computer. To everything and anything basically. How you still expect it to be special when it’s uttered to you by someone that you claim to “love” is bordering on imbecilic.

But it’s a bit hypocritical of me to be saying those things when I’m one of those people who make you believe in happily ever after’s.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a robot. I’ve experienced this stupid thing called love before. I’ve felt those so-called butterflies dancing around or flying around or whatever inside my tummy.

That feeling of having nothing but at the same time you feel like you have everything because you’re with the person of your dreams.

Boy, does that hurt when you realize it was nothing but a wishful thinking.

Feelings go away. The thing is sometimes it only happens to the other person. It changes for the both of you. You could be the unlucky one whose feelings just grow stronger each day while the other just feels the other way around. You find yourself being too invested and you have this nagging feeling of turning back and undoing things just so you could get away from these feelings but that’s not how things work. There is no Ctrl+Z in real life. Life makes you realize that the hard way.

---

The first time I realized my feelings for you were starting to change, I would admit that it felt weird and scary. People would think that I’m an expert at this but I’m not. I’ve only ever gone out with two people and I didn’t like them as much as I like you.

It was our fifth time going out on a date. It started with a blind date that a common friend set up and it surprisingly went well despite you doing all the talking.

“Jessie,” you called when I started walking in the opposite direction. “Let’s meet again. I’ll give you a call.”

“Sure.”

Two dates turned into three and on the fifth date, I’ve come to the conclusion that I wasn’t giving up sleep to go out with you just because I’ve grown tired of sleeping for twelve hours at most. I did it because I actually enjoyed spending my time with you.

When I’ve finally mustered up the courage to ask you to be my girlfriend, thankfully you answered in a heartbeat and said ‘yes’ and I thought I was going to pass out from the lack of oxygen intake when I saw that breath-taking smile of yours.

That was the first time you told me you loved me and I blindly believed it. You probably meant it then but I with all the things that have happened, I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that what you said was true anymore.

---

Months went by and everything was going well. I was finally experiencing it myself, the things I’ve written about love and how wonderful it is. The fluffiness of it all. The staying up late at night just to talk to each other even though there was still work the next day. The gift-giving even though there’s really nothing to celebrate about. The sweet and schmaltzy things that we say to each other every time you had to go away because of your job.

Looking back at all of that, I guess it was really stupid of me to fall for a free-spirit like you. They said opposites attract and man, we were like the north and south pole of a magnet. I’m a writer who has sleeping listed as her past time and you’re a flight steward who never misses an opportunity to fly to other countries and learn their culture.

We’ve been going out for almost a year when I decided that I was going to introduce you to my family but I should’ve known then that you’re feelings for me were starting to change as well. I was too dense to notice.

“Jessie, I can’t. I have a flight tomorrow and I won’t be back ‘til next week.”

I didn’t think much about the lack of interest in your voice or the fact that you didn’t seem to think that it was too bad that you couldn’t meet them. I should’ve believed you when you told me that I didn’t know everything about you that one time we argued.

---

It became more apparent that you were clearly not as into going out with me as you were before when you started hanging out with other people more. I became clingy and I guess that’s what pissed you off even more.

“I can’t do this anymore, Jessie.”

I stared at you for the longest time that day, willing myself to think that you didn’t mean what you said or that you meant it differently but that was all crystal clear. You’ve grown tired of it all.

“We fight a lot. You don’t let me be with my friends.”

I should’ve gotten the hint that this was a euphemism for “It’s not me. It’s you.” Usually it’s the other way around but I didn’t get that.

“You’re breaking up with me. Is there someone else?”

I racked my brains and thought of that person she talked on the phone with most of the time. “Is it one of your co-workers?”

“You know what, yes. I think I’m really having these romantic feelings for Yuri and I just don’t feel the same way I did for you when we first started going out.”

I think she just said it to make me feel a little bit better because she wasn’t actually that interested in Yuri. A tiny crush, maybe but could I blame her? Yuri’s quite the looker. I’ve only met her twice but she’s one of those people that command attention.

Problem is though, I didn’t feel better and just like that Tiffany Hwang has gone from being the love of my life and the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with to that person whom I will always regret ever meeting.

---

A few months after our break-up, I found out she was getting married to the guy that she met in France. Shotgun wedding as it turned out. Baby on the way. She really was unpredictable.

I slashed out at everyone and when I got tired of that, I went home at my apartment and cried myself to sleep. For the rest of the month up until her wedding day, I refused to speak to anyone and refused to go out.

My sister and my parents would knock on the door, asking me to let them in but I brushed them away. Same thing with most of my friends. I just wasn’t ready to be consoled. If there was anyone who could comfort me at that time, that would be Tiffany and Tiffany only.

When I’ve finally had the courage to face my friends and family, they made sure not to mention Tiffany and I was fine with that.

I went back to work but everything I do got rejected by my boss.

“Jessica, this is not what the readers want to read. They don’t want the love stories to end in a tragic accident where one or both of the characters die. You are no Shakespeare.”

I asked for a leave to clear my head and he willingly let me. The only thing that that extended leave did for me was to turn me into this apathetic person that I am today.

Love? Romance? It happens on books. It happens for those lucky ones.

Soulmates? I thought I’ve found mine but that was clearly wrong.

The last I heard about Tiffany is that she’s moved into France with her husband and they now have a baby girl that she named Hannah.

The same name I told her we would name our future child.

“If we ever have a daughter in the future, we should name her Hannah. Palindrome amuses me,” I told her while I lay my head on her lap as we watched the waves crashing into the rocks. That was during our trip in Jeju.

---

I closed my laptop after I finished sending my draft for a new story to my boss. I promised to do that as soon as I’ve landed.

I told the old man I needed to find inspiration and when he asked me what I wanted to do and where I was planning to get that inspiration from, I immediately told him I was thinking of going to Paris. Probably the most romantic city on this planet. He booked me a flight and arranged everything I needed during my stay. The old man spoils his best writer a little too much.

Of course, I didn’t tell him that I was just really hoping I could randomly bump into Tiffany.

You know when people say when you think about it hard enough, whatever it is that you’re thinking could come true. I guess for the past year I’ve just really been thinking about meeting Tiffany again and now she’s actually right in front of me.

She was sitting on one of the café’s chairs, holding a milk bottle and smiling at the baby inside the little pink stroller.

I was right across her and without noticing it my eyes were filled with unshed tears. Just when I thought I’ve cried all my tears out and here is the sight of Tiffany Hwang making the waterworks start.

She seemed so happy and I tried to remember if she was ever that happy when she was with me. I eventually stopped trying.

I saw her wedding ring and a part of me wanted to pay a thief to snatch it away from her.

The tears eventually made its way down to my cheeks but I quickly wiped it away. At that moment I regretted ever going to Paris and hoping to see her again. I was going to walk away before she even noticed that I was there but that was too late. She’s already seen me.

“Jessie? Jessica Jung?”

I turned around and tried to smile. It was a small smile. It was the only smile I could conjure up.

“Oh my god! It’s really you. What are you doing here?”

“Just trying to in the romantic vibe coming off of this city and hoping I could bring it with me back to Korea so I could do my job better.”

“Still writing romance novels, I see.”

“Yeah.” I looked down only to see the baby with those big blue eyes and blonde hair that she most definitely got form her dad and a pair of lips that she got from Tiffany.

“This is Hannah. We’re on our way to the park. Do you want to come with us? It’s a nice place to find inspiration for your next novel.”

“Uh, sure.”

When we got there, she asked me if I wanted to hold her baby but I declined and instead I just watched her carry her and play with her. I never knew she could be this…motherly. Well, maybe having a baby does that to people.

Stared at her discreetly and observed the changes in her physically. She definitely put on weight but it was odd how her face was still the same as when we were going out. Why am I even speaking like it has been a long time. It’s only been two years.

My thoughts about getting to have moved on from Tiffany were thrown off of a cliff when I heard the next words she uttered.

“She reminds me of you sometimes. She’s not like other babies who don’t get that much sleep. She actually sleeps a lot.”

“Your…husband probably sleeps a lot too and she must’ve got it from him,” I choked out.

“Not really. Both of us like being up and about than staying in bed all day.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to our wed—“

“It’s alright. I have no business being there anyways, Tiffany.”

There was another part of me that she’d get a bit hurt as I refer to her as Tiffany instead of Tiff which I usually do when we were still together but there was no trace of sadness there.

Is she really that happy with him now?

“Non-sense. You’re a friend of mine.”

‘That’s not what you said that one time we fought and you were pissed off at everything and anything I do,’ was what I wanted to tell her but I chose to keep mum.

“He’s the jealous type though much like me so I didn’t think it would be a good idea to invite any of my exes even though I’m still friends with all of them.”

Friends? Still friends? Is she just trying to add salt to the wound?

She stopped talking to me and pretended like we never happened when we broke up or maybe she forgot about that because she’s just too happy with him.

I stood up and took one last look at her. I knew I should’ve walked away but my lips decided to betray me.

“I hope I could be as happy as you someday.”

I left Paris with a heavy heart and not much inspiration.

---

It’s been two years since that incident and I’m confident enough to say that I’ve moved on and I have fully accepted the fact that Tiffany is already happily married.

That does not change the fact that I really don’t believe in love anymore. It’s absurd how one woman can change the way I see things.

Here I am, at my desk, writing my next sci-fi book. I ditched my old job of being a romance novel writer and switched to writing books that has little to do with romance and it’s actually going really well. The first sci-fi book I’ve ever written was now being adapted into a film.

The most recently published one was going to be launched at some book store today and I was asked to sign a couple of books for my loyal readers.

I saved my new draft and rummaged my drawer for a flash drive. I plugged in the first one I found and was surprised to see that it was full of pictures of me and Tiffany together. There was one folder that the stupid old me named “love” and when I opened it, it was a photo of a scanned hand-written letter that Tiffany wrote. I remember her giving it to me on our 4^th month together. Everything was going so quickly. We were moving too fast but we didn’t really care.

We were like teenagers being in love for the first time. It was a good feeling. Too bad it’s the worst feeling one could have once everything changes and the love of your life goes away and be happy with someone else.

I formatted the flash drive and put the draft in there before unplugging it and driving towards the book store.

There were already a long line of people who wanted to get their copies signed. They were going to limit it to a hundred people but there was this one person who came in late.

The staff were already removing the chairs and packing up when she approached the table and while panting, she said, “Can I please, please get my copy signed. I really love your books. I’m a big fan.”

I uncapped the marker and opened the book.

“Your name.”

“Taeyeon. Kim Taeyeon. I really love you…your books.”

I looked up to see her face blushing and when our gazes met, she looked down and I couldn’t help but laugh at her which I probably shouldn’t have done. She must think I’m making fun of her now.

“Here you go, Kim Taeyeon.”

“Thank you,” she muttered and walked away.

I sat there, smiling and thinking about the little woman.

“I really love you, huh? It’s been a long time since I’ve had anyone say that to me.”

Hyoyeon, a friend of mine who owns the book store, chuckled. “Other readers have told you that before. What makes her different?”

“She seemed like she really loves my books.”

I stood up and went out of the book store only to see Kim Taeyeon waiting in front of my car.

“I forgot to give this to you.” She handed me a bag of jelly worms and gummy bears.

“Thanks.”

“I really am a big fan. Sorry if I seem creepy. I’ll be going now. Thank you for signing my copy, Jessica-ssi.” She looked up at me and smiled. That’s when I noticed the dimple on her right chin.

I got inside my car and drove off. When I was at an intersection and the light turned red, I took time to look at the candies on the passenger’s seat of my car. I couldn’t stifle my laugh.

“Love.”

___

when i'm too sad that i almost feel numb, this is what happens. happily ever after is a big fat lie, if anyone ever told you otherwise, they're lying lol. idek what i'm trying to do with this one. i got inspired by the movie 500 days of summer where summer is nothing but a hypocritical . yeah, i said it 

idk i'm just extremely sad and i had to let it out in the form of a one-shot mocking the concept of love and romance